im done

Living in someone else’s space is exhausting. Always trying to be considerate, and trying to always tred lightly on another person’s space. I think it was a little too long living in close quarters. I understand someone wanting their space back, I think I would too. It wasn’t how it was supposed to be. I was under the impression that I would be here for a couple months paying only 275-300 month, which fit into my budget. I was also expecting to have a job that I would be making good money at. Not the case. All of a sudden Joe came along…crowded. Mike is leaving (although tiffany wants him to leave). So now Joe is going home in august, mike is moving in august. Finally a room of my own.
I am done. I told tiffany today that I was leaving. Of course she was upset.
So I learned in my adventure to LA that I am unreliable, I am undetermined, I am lazy and really have no idea what I want to do….oh wait, I knew that already. But it feels so fresh when others make sure they point it out to you over and over again. Yeah, we had this fight already, me being unreliable and she couldn’t trust me. Do you know what not being trusted does in a relationship? I am the most blessed person in the world to be friends with people that truly trust and support me. I would say that those two qualities are in all of my friends. I think it is essential for me to feel needed, appreciated and that no matter what I do or how I am that my friends will not leave me on a whim (because one of my ultimate fears is being left). It was damaging. I am not sure that the friendship will survive this scar.
I really don’t want to leave nessa. She is by far my favorite person. I wish I could take her with me, but she understands and she supports me. I think we will be friends for a long time. She is one of the gifts I received by stepping out.
I really don’t regret the move. I really think it was something I needed to do, and it put lots of things into perspective. I learned not to rely on anyone. I learned LA sucks. I leaerned I am not a city girl, and ya know what, that is ok. “There is always something to do” but really, I would much rather stay at home because it is cheaper and I don’t have to fight in traffic. I really don’t like traffic.
I really appreciate trina and Patrick. I don’t know what I would have done without them giving me a job. I don’t know how to thank them enough. I don’t think a simple thank you will do. I feel bad leaving without anyone to replace me, but I have to. I am working on a manual so that the next person will have all the answers right in front of them and they really wont have to train one more person. I haven’t told them yet, I hope that they understand.
Anyway, I am definitely doing the naples thing. I have a job and a place to stay (if I risk trusting one more person). I know that I will like it there, at least the job and being in a new place. It is much easier to make friends when you have a place to work and are respected there, and of course I am cool! How could you not love me? Of yeah, cause I am not perfect…yeah well, she wont have to worry about it anymore. Please pray that she finds a roommate. I tried to help, I tried to “take care of her” by posting on craigslist. She of course doesn’t want to live with a stranger, understandable, but at least I tried, but she is one of those people that will always take care of herself. She knows the deadline and she has time. I had 6 people that would move in next week if she wanted to live with them. Of course Joe isn’t leaving till the first weeks of August, and mike (the one still in the room for rent) will be there until his place is ready, which I hope is very soon.
I sent out a lot of emails to photographers and only got one postive response. One actually wrote and said my photos were shit. Yeah well, why the hell do you think I want to work photographers? For fun? NO, to learn idiot! I don’t have to do that ya know. I can do whatever I want. Isn’t that the fun of living? I will settle down one day.
I had a Big Realization about leaving. Coming here I was running from Cincinnati, hungry for something different. But I think the reason I am so excited about leaving is because I am going towards something. I am not running from LA because I was unsuccessful. I really didn’t try all that hard because I knew within the first month that I didn’t want to stay here. I know you all are excited that I am leaving, but I am not coming back to Cincinnati, I am going to naples. I just thought I would remind you. Abby, remember when we went to naples? Wasn’t that fun? Anyway, at least it is closer than California..you can drive there in a day! Random road trips, you can fly there in 3 hours….better than an entire day at the airport.
I think that is it for now…ill keep you updated.
C.aliCE