running....again (archive 1.26.05)

The question has been posed more than once that my moving to California is me running away from something. I admit it is true. I am running. I am desperate to get away from this thing that plagues and torments me on a daily and even hourly basis. I feel like that if I move away that it won't be as loud, it wont bother me as much. I am running, and the staying here for the time I am here is killing me. I can hardly take it anymore. I need to be away from it, I need to be refreshed and get a new perspective. I need a new daily routine so I am not constantly reminded of it. I need to get away from my friends and co-workers or anyone that knows me because being arounnd them reminds me of it. I want to be something different. I want to experience something original. I could stay here. I could manage here, but I think I would drive myself deeper and deeper into this issue that envelops around me. It is easy to say that I am not dealing with it, hell I dont think anyone even knows what I am dealing with. Can anyone really see the thoughts that fly through my brain. Does anyone really have the answer to be able to live with it and not let it chase me around the world. It is easier to say to "Let go and let God" but so much harder when you are the one holding on. I dont care if I go to California, Italy or Florida....New York or Bo-Dunk Kentucky. I need a change. Something so drastic that it will shake this off of me. So incredible that I will forget all about what I was running from in the first place. I am anxious at the starting line, waiting impatiently for the gun to go off so that I have the ultimate freedom to run without being disqualified. I am running, you all are all right. I underestimated your perseption of me. I mistook your observatory nature. I am running so far, so fast and so hard to get away from myself.
c.ALIce
i am sure that most of you dont rememeber even reading this blog because it was before most of you were avid readers. but this was written before i left for california. yesterday i was talking to someone that pointed out that i am running from myself. i am running from who i am because i am scared. with everyone that i have talked to , either friend, family or acquaintance, it was always "do what you need to do" whether they agreed or not, but no one ever put it like that. and frankly, up to this point, i didnt realize it either. maybe i am running from myself. running from the fear of failure, running from being who i am was meant to be. running back into that place i know is comfortable and more simple. back to where i didnt have to try. i dont know what i am supposed to do ever in life. she told me to get naked and stand in front of a mirror and ask myself what i wanted. as much of a good idea that really is...that scares the crap outta me. because in realizing what i want, is realizing who i am, and the things that i want to change, and making those big commitments to change the things i dont like and to pursue (rather blindly and timidly) to the things i want. staying the same and always being in your comfort zone is definately the easiest thing to do, but not really the most rewarding.
in the conversation, she asked me what i didnt like about myself, and i was saying how i let people determine how i am or what i do. i totally do that. instead of dictating what i want to do, i take up suggestions, weigh out the options and get lots of feedback then make a decision based on how others think i should act. it happens in all areas of my life. though it may appear that i am so strong willed and determined to some, i am actually not, i am fickle. i really think that is why i dont know what i want to do or where i want to be, because i have people on all sides giving me their suggestions and the stress i have is figuring out which person is right in regards to what I should do. to stand there and not have anyone telling me who i am or what i should do...i wonder what my answers would be. in the process you are not allowed to limit yourself by your abilities, like saying "i want to have a photography book published" and then contradicting that with "but that is so hard, i dont know how, i am not talented enough, i dont have time, or some other random excuse." you are only allowed to admit your strengths and weaknesses and what you want to accomplish without trying to figure it all out at that moment, but just realizing it. i would be there all day, i want, i cant, i am, what will they think, i will, when its feesible. i could battle with my own desires to dismiss everything. what do i want? physically, spiritually, emotionally, financially, in every aspect...then after realizing it, accomplishing it. i think one of the hardest parts about figuring out what you want to do, is realizing its what YOU want to do, not what others think you should do. Its your unique desires, your unique attributes, your unique spirit....and really no one can know better than i do.
who am i? at times i think it is pointless to try to figure out who you are because you are ever changing, but at the same time "its not what you do that defines you, but who you are inside" how can one really learn about what they want, if they cant confront who they are. one is far scarier than the other. and above that, how can you truly allow someone to love you, when you dont love yourself, and in order to love yourself, you have to know who you are. it doesnt take a lifetime to figure out. in some cases it could only take one day standing in front of a mirror naked. (naked is essentail!! cause its raw humanity)
sometimes in an effort to please people, i forget what really makes me alive. a struggle between what my heart truly desires and what "others" convince me is important. what do i want to live for? not to work to pay bills. who do i want to live for? definatley not for someone else, cause its my life. how do i want to live? at this point, i really dont know...but simply. when will i start living for me? not in the sense that i disregard my GOD, and live selfishly, but in the regards that i dont procrastinate...and i go full ahead towards something.
i am tired of running...if i dont stop now, i will run my entire life and look back on it when i am 50 and have accomplished nothing because i kept running.
i think its time to sit and take a breather.
c.ALIce