what should i do....

so a bit has changed. i took the jetta back yesterday, a long story, but i think it was the best decision. i have slept at brinlee and joshs for the last two nights...and that is ok. just trying to work through it i guess. met Nat's mom yesterday, we went to dinner and then back to her house for talking. told the story of how Nat and I met and also how her and her husband met. it was nice.
i have been pondering over past relationships with guys. Not that I have really had that many, but nevertheless. I just think about all the different people i have had crushes on, and the one i loved, and tried to figure out why i forced myself to try to be so intimate when deep down I knew it was wrong. It was like i was willing to settle because I didnt really think that anyone else would come around, and that how i really wanted was a pipe dream and didnt really exist at all. I dont want any of my friends to make lifetime commitments with someone that just doesnt seem right. But I understand that everyone relates to people in a different way, and sometimes I dont understand, but they are happy. Relationships between two people can be somewhat illusive. When my sister Carol started dating Todd, at first I was happy for her, she had finally found someone, then i was worried because I didnt understand why they bickered all the time over stupid stuff. Now if you saw Todd and Carol together, you just understand. They work well together. I also had concerns about Luci and "whats his name"...but apparently they are doing well too. It really is none of my business why certain people are together, but on the other hand, I do want them to experience love, without settling, but love that is unexplainable. I know I come off wrong sometimes, but I guess I have a little mothering in me.
So my thought for today....what am i supposed to do with my life? I battle back and forth between getting a career job, something that I can be successful at and also move up in the business. Then I think about how much i love my freedom, and how i dont want to be tied down with a monday through friday day job, but then i also dont want to work nights because i dont get to see Nat. Carol said today I should start my own business, what would i do though? I feel like the only thing i have any sort of experience in is serving tables, and although i like my job at Jonahs, i really dont think i want to be a career server. so what do i do? i know i have a degree in photography, but really what can i do. I really dont have the equipment that i really need. granted i can get it after a while...there is so much cost in just getting started.
I painted today. somewhat of an angry paint. I guess i am thinking too much today and that frustrates me. i just have to take advantage of the time i have to accomplish something, but i feel lost sometimes at what direction i want to go in. any ideas?
c.ALIce