lost and found

my love, my life...and the two combined. i think i have really discovered how i cant plan things in life. just when i thought i had it figured it out. just when i thought that i knew what i was going to do, i got thrown one hell of a curve ball. and once i get the chance to tell you, your jaws will drop and you will not know how to react, hell i am not sure at this point if i know how to react. there are so many big decisions in life. you have one that will take you right back into your comfort zone, it is planned out and feesible. the other one, quite a different story, not so comfortable, but amazingly although scary and dangerous, just seems worth the effort. i am done trying to plan anything...and i think i have grown up an awful lot in my journeys. i am at a point right now where if i followed through with my plans, i would be running, but i dont want to run. its an adventure i have never been on, and life is too short. i know there is always an open door for me whereever my family is, thats a comfort that helps me to live life out. its not scary when there is always a safe place to fall back on. i want to try it out. and for me that is a big deal. i really dont take these decisions lightly. the way i think, i can come up with 1000 scenarios of failure and totally convince myself not to even give it a chance. i think maybe its situational, but even with my over-analyzing i cant shake it. the decision i am about to make is scarier than all the rest.
i know that i am talking in riddles. totally keeping myself from exposing it, but it wont be like that for long. i want to make this decision on my terms. not based on what others think i should do, not based on how i think others will view me, not based on the element of risk. i am going to make this decision for me, and not relying on anyone to formulate my ideas is scary...i have only talked with one person about it. there are so many factors to consider, the biggest of all the element of failure, or not being happy. but in another way, i really dont think that i can make a wrong decision (though i can make a bad one).
so i am quickly at another crossroad in my life. yet ironically in my running, i came to this point in the midst of running away, i found something. it isnt stratigically planned already, i am literally jumping blind and it is so exciting. i dont see what lies ahead, i have no expectations. its scarier than anything, its not comfortable, but safe.
i just hope that you all are supportive, with all the anxiousness of being homebound, i hate to disappoint. but its things like these that are impossible to plan...and rightfully so.
granted i must say, i have not made any concrete decisions yet, but i will need to soon. we'll see what happens.
love you all
chrissi