My Beaux...

I am not sure where to begin. You seriously have to talk to me on a daily basis to find out what I am doing, and I am still not sure. I had this planto leave LA and move to Cincinnati to get outta the debt I accrued whilein LA, then move to Naples Florida with my old job from Cincinnati, to opena new location. I was very excited about it. It seemed like a great oppurtunityto grow with the company, and also doing something that I know I am good at and go in with that respect and seniority. Everyone I talked to said it was a good idea and that I should do what I think I need to do (but basically they knew I didn't like LA and I should get out). Now its not the case. Naples is a thing of the past. I don't even consider it at all. Living in Cincinnati would be nice, because I would be close to my friends and family,but even that is not a pull so much anymore. My entire life got flipped upside down in a moment.
you know when people talk about when they met the person of their dreams, they always say that it comes out of nowhere,and when you least except it. I spent many many hours trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Struggling with the fact I would never get married becasue I would never find anyone good enough, or someone that I could deal with, or someone that could deal with me. I was scared to even date because i wasn't good at it. I am not good at pressure situations, so being on a date makes me queasy, and very uneasy. Can you really be yourself in that situation, and regardless of how cool or cute that person is, there is that hidden stress of trying to impress or find a way to break up with them before you are officially going out...So I avoided that for as long as I could. Then along came Nat.
At first he was just vanessas brother, visiting LA from Illinois. There were no hidden agendas, no attempt to try to win him over or impress him with my humor or intellect. Actually, in this yet another huge transition in my life, I really wasn't looking to fall for anyone. Despite, it was actually good to have a "stranger" to talk to, especially in the situation I was in, trying to sort things out and get another perspective,but the conversation just flowed. We ended up talking openly and honestly about all sorts of things, and little by little realized how much we had in common and how alike we were. He would do these little things, like ask it I wanted something to drink whenever he got something for himself, getting a pillow before I even asked and just being a generous, kind-hearted and compassionate person. But still, up to this point, it was just a little crush, what would really come of it? I was moving to Cincinnati and to naples and he lived in no-man's land Illinois.
so I wasn't so sure when I was goin to leave LA. If ya'll know too much about me, you know I am somewhat of a spontaneous person, and that is somewhat of an understatement. So we were sitting outside, talking about me leaving and when, and how I dreaded the drive alone. He was catching a plane back to Illinois on Tuesday to be back to work on Wednesday, (though I am not really sure who asked who)but it ended up that he called work to get one more day off work and he said he would drive back with me. OH the relief, and he is good company so I was excited to have a comfortable person to go with me. So that's why I left on Monday, I really didn't know till Monday that he was able to come with me, and I wanted to make sure that he was back in time. Kind of last minute,but I was definitely thankful...And the best part, he likes to drive!!!
can you imagine 30 hours straight in a car with one person and not getting aggravated or annoyed and wanting to spend more time with them? And this is after a week of hanging out with him all the time, and at the same time being able to share all sorts of things about life with openness and honesty. He makes me happy. He talks to me, he listens to me, we have SO much in common. He is comfortable to talk to and he doesn't make it a mystery, he is not holding back and continues to reaffirm me. I trust him completely and respect his heart and desires. I really want to make sure that he is free to make whatever decision he deems necessary, but also that that freedom is mutual. I don't feel like I am settling, because seriously, can you imagine me living a boring life? A life of not doing things, but at this point, I am not scared of sacrificing all the things I want to do or have (he says I can have a PUPPY=)) to be with him, I just see myself accomplishing all those things with him. I can just imagine that no matter what conflict came up, that we could work through it and talk honestly about it.
yes, its been very quick. Believe me when I say that I did not expect it. We both were totally blindsided, but we are most willing to make it happen and work. I really dont mess around. I have no doubts really. Most of you know that I would totally run from all this, full speed in the opposite direction for my fear of commitment, fear of failure, fear of intimacy, fear of so much but I feel so "safe" its the only word that really fits. I feel safe that even if it doesn't work out (which of course at this point I doubt) that it is totally worth the effort.
I get lots of little butterflies when I think about him. So girlie!!! What is wrong with me? Absolutely nothing. He's addicted too. There is really nothing to lose, but so much to gain!
so that's that. I think that is a pretty good rundown of how I feel so that you all can understand. He makes me happy. I make him happy.
so what are the plans now? I want to be where he is. And I have more flexibility in life right now to make that change. I really don't know what will happen today . I do have an interview on Monday at a company in Illinois. You all probably think I am crazy, but really if you know anything about me, this is normal. But unlike everything else, I am not running away but running to something that is risky and dangerous but safe and comfortable.
so I guess that is it for now. Ill write more later about other things in life when I figure out what is going on.
c.ALIce