lazy sunday

sundays for me are always the lazy days. i hate working on sundays. fortunately today i dont have to...i get to sit around and do nothing, but of course i have plans and a million things that need to be done on the only day this week that i can really get anything accomplished. i stayed out really late last night, i think i got home just before 5am. hung out with some people from work, they are cool people, but i feel so awkward hanging out with them because we dont have much in common other than talking about work. i rarely ever drink so i dont have any drunken episode stories to share. makes me feel really outta place. sometimes i get into those situations or with groups of people and i just feel like i dont belong. it is almost worst at church though. i havent been to church in month or so...have no real desire. i love GOD, He is amazing and i know that He is all i need, He alone can fulfill me, but still its lonely sometimes. i sucks to have an opposite schedule than most of your friends. i am going out when they are going to bed...i am definately a night owl...i can sleep in as late as i want so i can stay out late...seems like the only people that can are those that are getting wasted. i dont mind...i just miss having those close christian friends that you could call at 1am and just get together and talk or just hang out.
i have really missed brian lately, He has been in many conversations. i am not totally sure i have dealt with his death yet. i understand that he is gone, he will never come back, and i think most of the time i feel worse for not missing him.
i am in one of those moods where i just want to crawl up and die. my soul is weary of trying not so hard and getting nowhere. but too weak to try any harder to get where i want to be. days like today make me feel like it would be easier just to forsake God and live for me...but i have been there so many times and i know how hopeless and pointless it is...and there is more pressure to be molded into some sort of cookie-cutter image of society. i think that is why most people are out of church, they get drawn into the cookie-cutters, being a certain way (ie drinking bars clubs) gives back some certain reward, but christianity is open and such a risk...its hard to go against the flow of the majority.
i had fun this weekend hanging out with friends, meeting new ones and reconnecting with old ones. this week has been extremely lONG!! feels like it has been a month not a week.
at the same time, today is a lazy and lonely day. i just want to have that "one" person ya know? someone to always count on to hang out with you...someone to make out with every once in a while...its cool to hang out with people, i love to be around them....but i just want that one person to be with. seems sorta hopeless today. i know i know, he will come when i least expect it...i am beginning to think that i will never stop expecting it.
enough of my drama...i need to go get something accomplished cause i cant stand to just be here and do nothing, as much as probably need to.
laterz
c.ALIce