transition

I have one of those days where I really want to be someone else. I feel like it is a waste of time to sit here at this computer, but each time I am here I am learning something new….but it is so unproductive most days. I stare at the screen and try to think of something creative to do….and end up just staring at it all day. Sometimes I just feel really unmotivated. My heart says yes, my mind says yes and my body says “hell no!” I think about where I wanted to be a year ago…I have come a long way, but it just seems like the road will never end. Sorta like dealing with my struggles, I figure once I deal with them, there will just be more lined up right behind in a never-ending winding line of things to deal with…so I figure if I don’t deal with the ones on the surface, I wont have to go any deeper,
Today I am very frustrated with God. I feel like He just keeps on disappointing me. Its because he doesn’t do what I pray for. Its like he is ignoring me….payback time or something? I don’t expect to get everything I pray for, but I think that there is some sort of give and receive policy (which is TOTALLY not the case). He gives regardless of me, yet I give back in condition to what I receive. I am such a hypocrite! Someone said once that you need to “expect” god to do something, well in my brain, I expect him to give me all the answers regardless of whether or not I ask or seek.
I really don’t like having days off. I think that I feel like my life and security lies in my job (granted I love my job too). I feel bad when I don’t work, thinking I am lazy or something. The expectations that I force onto myself are far above and beyond what anyone else may expect of me. I am very harsh on myself and tend to take a lot out on me. I figure if I take the blame for everything, I wont have to continually go through those “conflict resolution” talks. I have this extreme vision in my head of this incredible person I am supposed to be and I fall short and fail at any attempt to begin to be anything like her.
Ya know, I have awesome friends. New and old, they are amazing to me. I find It very hard to create new relationships with people, and if you have read my blog before, especially guys, but I am so over it. I have made some quality relationships lately, I am not talking about the run of the mill someone to hang out with acquaintances. I am talking about lifetime relationships. I see the people to be in my life for a very long time. Which I think is more of a treasure and a gift than to be the most popular with the most toys and tons of friends, but to have those genuine friendships with people that truly care and love you, and respect you and your heart regardless of where you are in life. Some people have one or two of those people, I am blessed with many!!! I try very hard not to take them for granted and let them know how much I do truly recognize and appreciate their friendships.
I don’t have much to complain about if I think about it. Funny how I can start this with one attitude and end with another…sometimes I just need to vent to come back to where I need to be and know the joys I do possess.
I am still struggling. I am still frustrated with God. I am anxious and nervous. I still portray that “hard ass” persona…I still have no idea where people get that idea!!
I am having my birthday party on Saturday and I am very excited of those that have decided to come. My friend steph is driving up from Georgetown, and I cant wait to see her. I hope that kadie will come, I miss her. Of course all my new found friends….better not stand me up!! I think it will be a good time…meet new friends and be with old ones. I am very excited. I am also going to this prayer training thing at my church on Saturday and I am anxious to hear from God….everyone please pray that my heart will be softened to hear and accept him. I just really want someone incredible to happen, I am expecting God to do something extra-ordinary, please don’t disappoint me lord!
It will be a good weekend. I hope that colin jen Kevin and will come…I would love to get to know them better. I am getting better. sometimes I seriously think I am manic-depressive….i just get into these funks…in certain situations. But in my element….in my niche….i am something else. I just wish I always felt like I was in my niche…yaknow?
I think I am done actually
c.ALIce