yesterday i went to venice beach. it was a beautiful day, no cloud in the skie, perfect breeze, not very crowded. today i feel the pain!!! the backs of my legs are burnt and its the only burnt spot that actually hurts. also the spot that hasnt had that much exposure to the sun in the first place. its cool though, ya deal for a day or so, then you have a good tan! tifffany of course warned me about the dangers of sun cancer, maybe i should consider wearing sunscreen...
i hung out with vanessa all weekend, saturday we went hiking, yesterday to the beach. we went hiking at switzer falls (pics coming soon)...we got lost and took us twice as long as it shouldve, ate, watched most of KINSEY and then went out with trina, snow, patty, amy and nessa...the meal went late and we were supposed to go dancing so we asked the waitress a good place and she told us. so we went...only had like a an hour...walked in and there were a bunch of hot guys, walked farther in, more guys...looked over and there was a guy dancing in a thong...needless to say, i expereinced my first "raunchy" gay club in the valley...i went to celebrities in dayton, been to drag bar in new york, but this was crazy. lots of first experiences in my travels. =) lol
nessa and i were talking today about church...she wants to get back into church and hadnt found anyone with similar beliefs until i came along. yeah, i think we are going to try oasis (trinas church) and mosaic (church becky recommended).
today i am going to work, then to work out. plan on cchecking out some job postings on craigslist...i need a job at night to help pay bills. i will survive one way or another.
i cheated all this weekend, so today is the day to begin again (mercies renew every morning right?) pray for me, pray that my mind and my needs would be replaced by Gods' that He would place a deep desire in my heart for health and give me the power to fulfill. That HE would change my mind about things, and bring me back to Him. i feel so lost without Him, granted i am getting along, but part of me feels like there is more. i dont want to just live...thats normal...i want to live with passion. i want to fulfill greatness in my life. anyone can live an unGodly life, it takes courage to live a Godly one. its hard though. there are so many people that try to convince people of so many things, no wonder people get confused. i guess i could say that you never really experienced the fullness of God if you are able to walk away from Him. Church gives such a twisted persception of Him. I despise that about churches. they make Him out to be a strict belt-whipper that love conditionally in regards to what you are doing in life and whether or not the church says its wrong. yes there are limits...healthy ones. but HIS love cannot be measured, and is unconditional. people get so down on themselves as christians for not being perfect, having a bad attitude can make a christian feel unworthy of Gods love..how ridiculous!!! His love is constant and always the same. whether you pray everyday or not at all. there is a HUGE difference between the Will of GOD and the LOVE of GOD. He doesnt love less if you are not in the will, though in loving Him in return comes the obedience and the desire and passion for HIM (but oddly enough..HE gives it to you )...so having it or not isnt necessarily under your control...sometimes instead of striving to produce in yourself a love and desire for GOD, to beat yourself up because you dont always have the feel-good feeling (which i suppose is supposed to hand in hand with being "close" to God)...or feeling guilty because you dont have it, and others do........take that time to let GOD love on you. Realize who He is....allow HIM to show you about Himself. ask for the desire, but allow HIM to love on you and give it to you in HIS timing...how can anyone get frustrated when being loved on all the time??
there is my sermon for the day...been a while since i went on a vent like that. i think i could go on...but that might be too long.
c.ALIce
2 comments:
you make some good/interesting points. i've found that i've always viewed god as the belt-whipper and i've tried so hard to please him. but, i did it on my own. he never intended for us to do it on our own. he'll help us. it discourages me that the churches you've been to portray that image. when you become a parent, the image of god completely changes. yes, he disciplines us, but in that discipline is his devote love. one thing marraige has taught is that even when michael and i are fighting, he still loves me. for some reason, i always thought that if people were mad, their love stopped. it's taken 3 years for me to understand that. i think that feel good feeling you talked about isn't anything at all. how can we base our walk with god on feelings? they lie to us. some are real, truth from god. some are what we want. and some satan uses to lie to us. the only way to know is to test it against god's word. he won't contradict himself, ever. our feelings change from moment to moment. heck, moses, david, elijah, great biblical heroes went through phases in their walk. every so often i have my own wilderness - where i can't hear god. he doesn't leave, i might have disobeyed and have to face my consequences, but he still loves me, like you said. also, with the story of job, god pulls back. job's walk with god hadn't changed, god hadn't changed, he was simply testing job. job felt like god wasn't there and had abandoned him, for no reason. in the end, though, he says, you know, god says he won't leave me, i believe him, blessed be his name. you are god and you are good.
i guess my point is, walking with god doesn't promise a good feeling. reminding yourself of his truth will b/c whatever you are going through, he'll show you he's there and only a cry away. it's great knowing he wants to hold when everything is all wrong.
i don't know that all of that came out right. one thing i left out is that no matter what we are, do, neglect to do, god is still worthy. he's worthy of my faithfulness, my daily time, my love, my obedience. not b/c he's done anything for me. simply b/c he is "I am" he'll stay that way no matter what i do or don't do. he's always worthy.sorry for the long "comment". ha!
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