I dont want to play games. I am a good person. i am not used to having to force someone to let me know them. I had an experience the other day in which i asked a genuinely inquisitive question and i got refused an answer. It made me take a step back. I am not a very trusting person myself, but i rarely come across someone that doesnt trust me. it hurt, but i guess i have to realize that not all friendships are the same. and of course it was with a guy, so it makes me think that they are more difficult to get to know. i am being such a girl. i guess it just caught me off guard. this making NEW friends is harder than i thought. My process of friendships have been easier, i have friends that we just had a instant connection, i didnt feel like i had to work at it, i didnt have to give a 6 month grace period in order for them to feel more comfortable to share with me. People i have been meeting lately are so closed up and scared to death to experience anything new. Its like they dont want new friends, they are so content. i feel like i am doing major overhaul to them just to say hi. why is it so difficult?!?!? thank you to those that dont make it such a chore!! sometimes in the process of trying to get to know someone, i feel like i am more of a burden than a blessing...doesn't make me want to try hard ya know?
i cant force anyone to be my friend, yet i know by past experiences, i am one damn good friend.
dont worry babe, i didnt take it personally, i am over it, just caught me off guard.
I AM SO SICK OF SURFACE RELATIONSHIPS!!! can i please have ONE night where i have someone to sit with for hours and talk about everything...no expectations, no hiding! I am so beyond the hi, how are you....i want the "hi, let us pray together" it is not about finding a soulmate (in guy terms), it is about intense relationships. People that strive to go deeper with God, and live out their passions, and that arent afraid to be vulnerable. I have incredible friends, and i am not in any way taking that for granted...but i want more. it is my longing in life to dig deep into people's lives and encourage them, and i cant do that if i cant get past the polite pleasantries. maybe it is just me...sometimes i feel with certain people that they just dont want to associate with me because i am not a certain way, not pretty enough or wear the right outfits are drive the right cars, but that is just them being ignorant, because if they knew me beyond the surface, and if they saw the type of people that are my friends, they would SO want to know me. screw it...why should i try so hard if they arent going to give me the same respect.
i feel this way in more than just physical relationships, but also in my spiritual relationship. With God, i want to be intense, i want to fast and pray continually, i want to have my own prayer language with Him, i want to be used to heal people, i want to truly recognize and not be afraid of my spiritual gifts. i want to sit with HIM for hours and not feel uncomfortable or awkward and we could talk about everything, laugh and cry and really get to know each other. I want to be able to look at a stranger and hear God and walk up to them and speak God's love to them, and it be so personal and supernatural. I believe God still works like that. There arent many places where it is safe to act like that without people looking at you like you were kin to benny hinn. I want to be ravished by the Holy Spirit. It is not hokey....it is intense. My heart jumps in my chest at the thought of being that in-tune to HIM. The completeness, the wholeness, the mere knowledge of being near to HIM. I wish more than ever that my life would reflect my heart.
my favorite poem is in the sidebar! JOHNDONNEROCKS!!
c.ALIce
"Jesus, aficionado a mi alma, eres me amor. Tu eres hermoso. yo rogo por mis amigos nuevos y mis amigos viejos. abre los corazons de nuestros. ayudeme. eres fiel. damos fuerza. robe nuestro orgullo. en el nombre de Jesus, amen"
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5 comments:
Its a hard lesson in life to learn, but people never mature at the same speeds. Not everyone is open. Not everyone is ready to disclose themselves. I know I fight this all the time. Wanting more but not giving. I know life seems simple, but our earthly insecurities and defenses make it complicated. Be patient...if they are a friend worth having then they are a friend worth waiting for. God gives us all the same abundant love...He also makes us different people with different speeds and different temperments. God bless you Chrissi. You not only have a good heart, but a good soul. -L
BTW, here is my favorite Donne poem.
http://www.luminarium.org/sevenlit/donne/alchemy.htm
Yeah I like that one too...thanks for being such an avid reader, i didnt realize i was so interesting, but thanks none the less. i enjoy comments, especially those that booth my ego!! u r awesome!
Anyone who thinks and tries as hard as you is interesting. -L
I read your posts a lot, even though you haven't posted for a while. I completely identify with your struggle and I am only just getting out of it. I have spoken with you before, and very similar to you. creative/obsessive/looking to impact people with my gifts type. I don't mean to be curt, just direct and to the point. You have probably spent part of the holiday figuring some stuff but I feel posting something here. I was struggling with all these huge questions when god stopped me and said, you are worrying about the big picture, that is MY problem. your task is to take care of the little things, and I will do what I promised you my child." Well, what are the little things. They are not so little but a simple. Love god, love yourself. Love others. Sounds way too easy but we know better. Since then I relaxed a lot. Still hyper and super exuberant, but that will never change hopefully. But I have had all these creative doors being opened and have been able to use my gifts more. Of course there are still tons of questions about where to live, what exactly to do, who to date etc. but I am trying to follow the simple steps first. they are like the breadcrumbs of hansel and gretel. They will lead me to the big things. And remember this quote from someone. It was about, oh, 2000+ years ago. "he who is faithful in the little things will be given big thins to take care of."
Let your light shine even brighter Alice. You are interesting. You are awesome. He has made you that way.
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