sucks

it really sucks when you like someone and they dont like you back.....
i guess that is life.
i watched the Patriots today....by far my favorite football team, sorry for all you bengals fans...i just got no respect! of course the pats won...21 games in a row!! i would marry tom brady, but i am sure that we would not be compatible in person and that he has got like swarms of beautiful girls..and i am not keyed up on his spiritual journey...like reading what he tells magazines would be believable anyway!
i had a long weekend....did a tailgate party for ed rodgerson...i dont think i would ever want to be that rich, seems like the more money you have the more things you have to have and the more you compromise on the basics. nothing against him..he's cool, just thinking about it.
i am really tired today, which i would think would make me want to write a whole bunch, defenses down and all, no real inhibitions, but i think i would rather sleep.
ya ever start a new diet like every day!?!?! for some reason i feel like my body is just not good enough....like my personality can be exceptional but some people dont "notice" me because of my body...dont get me wrong i am cute and adorable, and no way like 300 pounds, but still i feel like i dont measure up....DAMN IT!! when will i ever stop comparing myself to others and being disappointed by people all the time! there is a lot of pressure to look like all beautiful and stuff, and seems like the personality comes second....dont people just look down the road and see that in 20 years, no one is going to be near to perfect...the added menopause weight, wrinkles, glasses....and whatever else life throws at ya...people are dumb, i take that back..guys are dumb! oh well, not all...but if it wasnt a mass majority..i am beginning to think they just dont get it! i mean i am clueless...but they are far beyond me in just plain ignorance! i love boys!! one day i will have one to put up with me.
pity party for me....i just wish "he" would call....but he doesnt read this crap i write on here, so it is not like he even has a clue! ya know...i am usually not a boy-fanatic...i have my occasions crushes, but as a friend would say "girl, you are crushing hard" i dont need words of encouragment that one day "he" will come..i know he will....just tired its not like anyone HASNT been there...everyone has had that longing...its natural, and the fact i write about it (more than anything else it seems) is 1. because it is fresh on my brain 2. there is really no closure yet 3. you actually read it! i just think "he" is great. being his friend would actually suffice i think...IF HE WOULD EVER CALL!! EMAIL!! IM!!! just something! tomorrow i will be done with it. It is all in his hands now.
ever have those days where you just want to crawl up and die! it is rare for me....mainly on days where i feel really worthless and unimportant, or those days where i am humbled. i cant imagine what people think about me..just by reading a blog online...those people really have no idea who i am...hell, i dont even know who i am!! i have been discouraged lately by people telling me that my dream of a city-wide young adult ministry is near impossible...who the hell do they think they are to 1.doubt my desire 2. limit God.!?!??! they just want to make me want to give up and not even try...and i know i dont feel like i am in the best position in life to even go through with it...but if i relied on that excuse i would never get anything done!
i have really enjoyed spending time with my newest found friend becky..she is supercool and fun to hang out with. i dont feel like i have to impress her or walk on eggshells around her...its nice.
it is so quiet today. something i love about sundays...they are quiet and peaceful, especially when i dont have to work...it is the one day that is mine! my soul is weary. i just want a fresh start in my life. to take back all the stupid things away i do (that makes people think i am weird or psycho). i want to be pure again. i want to have an unbaised view on life. i want to be secure in who i am. the funny thing about wanting all those things is that Jesus provides all that, and yet i am scared to death to grab hold....what would happen to me if He actually broke my spirit. What if my prayers did come into life. what if i knew my purpose on earth beyond just the basics...what if i could hear him more clearly? What if i was more obedient? Would people still recognize me? its like i am afraid that if i truly give Him all of me, then He will take it from me...take things i love, people i love. things i do....and i am afraid that i will be so connected to Him that i will be disconnected from this person i am now (not that she is the best ever, but she is familiar). I shouldn't be afraid. I am unique either way, but it is just scary to have that kind of intimacy with someone...the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, the failures, the insecuries. i cant even imagine that anytime soon in my personal life, more or less than my spiritual life (the funny thing is that i consider them seperate lives..._) He is really not apart of my personal life, yeah i take HIM into consideration a lot, but i cant say that i feel that my personal and spiritual lives are flawlessly intertwined. walls are hard to tear down. mine is like the great wall of China...and inside my walls are imprisonment, bondage, and suffering...gosh i am getting way metaphorical...like all poetic like...i am sure most have lost me already.
i think i am done...i am sure that i could go on all night..but i wont.
c.ALIce