hopeful

i have had a pretty good week. i am excited about the future. the plan to move to california is such a relief to me. lately, since i graduated, i have felt like i havent accomplished anything. i took a vacation from life i think. with moving, i feel like i have something to look forward to, i have a challenge to overcome and conquer. i dont feel strong, though i know i am. it will definately be a test of my convictions and also a chance to see who i really am when i dont have anyone on my side. i think to, i will make an impact on the lives i will encounter there as i have here. i am ready to move on. i dont think i will stay there long, but long enough i think to experience it. i have some friends that arent very supportive, and i am not sure if that is because they dont trust me to make wise decisions or that they just dont want me to leave. i am not quite sure. but i know they love me unconditionally and that their prayers will be fervent.
i have not been too content with my job lately. i love it most days, but seems like lately i am ready for a new environment. i have been there for nearly 3 and a half years, i have been in the serving profession since i was old enough to serve. gets old after a while i think. i really want to know if i am cut out for anything else!
hopefully this month i will make enough money to pay cheryl back and have money to move with, the amazing thing is that i am not worried about it at all. i just feel like it will all be taken care of.
i ask for you to pray for my family. we are going through some growing pains. moving away from parents and trying to make it as seamless as possible as we all go in different directions. i have a huge bond with my immediate family. pray that moving will be easy and that the selling and buying and wisdom for the direction of cheryl and carol will be clear. especially cheryl, she is still trying to take care of us all without thinking of herself. i pray that God will just open doors wide for her and let her know where she is supposed to go and what she is supposed to do with her talents. i love them all dearly.
i have 4 months or so before i leave, and there are things i want to accomplish before i get there, which is a motivation. deadlines are always good for me. i am lazy and unproductive without them. i want to finally lose that couple extra pounds that haunt me. i want to brush up on my computer skills to hopefully get a design job in california, if not just to have it on my resume. i want to draw very close to Jesus so that i am my strongest ever against my downfalls that will face me. i want to have some money stored up in reserves for emergencies and such. ideally i wouldnt be in debt when i left, but that is practically impossible, but there are some dints i can make.
today i am optimistic about what is in store for me. nothing is holding me back, and home is always here to come back to (sorta...cinci will always be home, there is lots of love here). work doesnt seem so bad when i know that it is only temporary.
i am excited about isreal too, what a great experience!! pray that sarah's money finds its way to cbc so she can come too!! wouldnt want her to miss it. =) love ya sabeth

well, i think thats it for today.
c.ALIce

mis-guided

i had a good weekend i think. it was alright but tonight was the icing! i helped out with a youth event at a friends church called 24God. it was real cool. preaching was dynamic, kids were kids. i was a little apprehensive at first, but got coaxed into it. tonight was the last service and i went up to a long time friend and prayed with her , then i asked her if she wanted to tag team with me by praying with each of the kids there. i really want to pray with everyone, but time lapsed and there is only so much you can do. it was awesome. speaking God's truth and love into the lives of people. i think that is the awesome part. it is amazing how humbling yourself into serving others can be so uplifting. it made a huge impact (at least i hope it did) in the lives of the ones we got to pray for.
see, i am the happiest when i am doing Gods work. simple acts of love and beauty, so rewarding and fulfilling. yet it is hard sometimes. hard to be consistent. hard to stay humbled.
please continue to pray for me as i know you do.
c.ALIce

i know.............. i know

i know it has been a long time since i posted...just like me, unreliable. its been a hard couple weeks. i am not sure why, just in a quiet mood. i just dont think that there is much going on in my life that is that noteworthy. i made one of my friends upset at me, but that is not to hard to do sometimes. i hate it when i feel like people are disappointed in me, who am i kidding? i am my worse critic. basic prayer training a couple weeks ago was amazing, but it seems like since then i have just been attacked. i am just overall dissatisfied with my life. i want to do something beyond work at a restaurant all my life. i love my job most days until they started feeling less like a family and more corporate. less about quality, more about quantity, but i guess that is the business world.
i feel like i have to remind myself often things to be happy about. and i have many blessings in my life. i felt so disconnected to God the last couple months that i just felt like i needed to do a 40 day fast...then again i change my mind. what profit is it to deny yourself food when in that denial you are not filling yourself up with Jesus. fasting is the most beneficial act i think i have ever done, but nonetheless the hardest. i guess i am an extremist, instead of just sitting and spending time with God, i feel like i have to deny myself of anything and everything just to try to prove something. i am over it.
boy sit: another thing i am SO OVER. i feel like i break my heart more often than any man could. hey, if he doesnt want to be with me, thats his loss right? doesnt make it feel any better though to feel rejected. i am sure everyone goes through it.
i hate being judged. sometimes i feel through this blogging that people invest in an idea of who they think i am. if i read over my own blogs i would feel like i was such a pessimist and so lame and uncool. i think for me writing is like art, it is a way to release and vent some emotions. i am one that likes to bottle things up inside, so if i write about it, i feel a lot better. You poor souls that read such "melodramatic bitching" must have one screwed up perception. if i was having a good day, i probably wouldn't vent about it. i havent written in a while, and havent done art in quite sometime, that may be the reason i have been irritable.
good things: parents finally got a new house. they plan on moving BY the spring, which means i will have some freedom to do what i want. it feels even guilty to say that i want to move on because i feel like i am leaving them high and dry, but they had their chance to live, now its my turn! what do i plan to do??? well sisters and i are going to isreal in february till march (like 10 days or so) and that will be incredible. i am very excited, but it will come and go so quickly. after that, who knows. i am thinking about moving to california for a couple months just to say later in life that i lived there. i want to be somewhere that has oppurtunities for what i really want to do, to gain some experience so i can go somewhere else. but that is 6 months away, and i am not making any promises because i have learned that i cant foretell the future, so there is no telling what will happen by then. Maybe be some random act of God i might find Mr.Right and ....well you can fill in the blanks on that one. i am not really holding out for it, because i have to learn to let go of control. i do however want to get on with my life. i am 26 years old. i think it is time to look forward to something other than the next bill in the mail. speaking of bills....do you have any idea how frustrating and deadlocking it is to be in debt!!! ugh i hate it. mine is basically school and car...but still...money is so temporary and life is so short, i dont want to live my life to pay bills/debt. i just want to be free of it. i find it hard to move on with life, get a job i may not enjoy or leave my comfort zone with it hanging over my head. ahh...i guess we will always live with it, just need to learn to deal with it.
i need to get my butt back on track and get back to learning. i have been quite the slacker. i think somewhere deep inside i have an ample amount of ambition and will power that i have yet to tap into. somedays i can feel it. other days, i think i supress it.
i noticed i have very many people in my life that question my decisions. one of my friends said i wasnt allowed to move to california...why the ultimate answer? cause she would miss me. it is very flattering, but it is as if she doesnt see my motive as being pure in its intent, and only sees that it probably wont benefit me. i love her to death, but times thinsg like that make me want to go even more, and step back and breathe to know that she isnt making my decisions for me. when i was discussing with a friend about my intents to fast, it was like 20 questions on why and a lack of trust that i was making the right decision. its ok. i am priviledged to have those people in my life, but sometimes, i need to make my own mistakes and learn from them. i dont want to be held back based on others opinions/ reactions.
thanksgiving was sorta bust. work was good, i made good money, but just the fact that i had to work (like for the last 8 years) on my favorite holiday kind of gets to me. i dont mind christmas, new years, easter.....but i love thanksgiving, a whole day of fun and laughter in my house that i miss because i am catering to some lazy-ass people that dont like to cook.
i think i am done venting. it is nice to get it off my chest though. please dont think i am....whatever....think what you want...i am just not wearing the happy mask because i hope you'll like me better. everyone goes through these times, why should i pretend i am any different. if i did, then maybe people would think they were wrong to feel such and such a way. its not wrong. its human.
i promise i will try to write more often. i am really fine. i just needed some time to be quiet and thoughtful.
i love all you all for even caring to read. it really does impress me. there is something real genuine and raw about knowing that people want to know me and whats going on in my life.
until again my friends
c.ALIce

sundays are for naps!!

another lazy sunday. i love watching the patriots play, they are by far my favorite team. it sucks sometimes though because i really dont have anyone to watch with me. its alright, i'll live!
i went today to kings island. it was the last day that it is open this year, and a beautiful day at that. sarah and i went to get blue ice cream (the only reason we go) and totally got jipped. i have been disappointed alot today actually and i am sorta sick of it. chipotle doesnt know what "extra cheese" means. pki employees are NEVER happy and totally scamming on the ice cream (like it comes out of their paychecks). i love to moan and groan...if the patriots end up losing i will be a very unhappy chica today.
went to winchester on friday...hoping to see "what's his name" and he was there, but also heard some disturbing information about him. i hate to judge or have a misconception of someone based on others points of view, but i also dont like games. i am about done with it. i am not asking for a lifetime commitment, and he seems to be running scared that i am, or being WAY too protective of himself on account of past failures. i have enough baggage of my own. doesnt over-merit the fact that i do like him. but i have liked alot of people, and i've been single for long enough to not have to or want to deal with bullshit. i was glad to see orrin, and others. i brought a good crowd of people and we all had a good time and got to know each other a little better...that was my ultimate goal in the first place. i think what the church is doing is awesome and i want to support them in that. lots of cool people there...i hope that i can go next month as well...maybe then they will set up the volleyball net (cause i am dying to play).
i havent been in the mood much lately to write in the blog. doesnt seem like anything all that interesting is going on lately. i just really have ups and downs in life and unfortunately whoever reads this gets the brunt of it.
my sisters and i are planning a trip to isreal in february. i am very excited to go. it is a chance of a lifetime. i am still not sure where i will be in a year. with the parents moving and me getting somewhat sick of my job, and this want to really go somewhere, i feel a huge change coming. i am kind of stuck, i like being where i am, i feel like i am growing here and i dont want to lose that, making some good connections, but still, i want to go somewhere....maybe i just need a vacation! go to a beach or something...cali or florida? i have a job fair thing on the 18th that might send me to indiana. who knows what i will do with my life. i just want to be happy, and frankly i dont think i have it in me to settle for less than that.
well i am going to get back to some patriot action!!

Its my BIRTHDAY!!!!

did i tell anyone that today is, or shall i say, was my birthday? November 3rd, 1978...i dont feel old by any means. i still feel like i am 16. wanna know what i got for my birthday? its funny! last year i had to get a new drivers license and within 2 months i had lost it, so i had to get another one. i lose my id all the time, so it is really nothing trajic. well yesterday i recieved my old license in the mail, from a guy that found it on vine street. how random ya know?
i had a good birthday, nothing spectacular, but simple, just feels like any other day actually. i know that i am growing, but i feel so much more about growing spiritually, i havent aged all that much since high school. just the other day someone thought i was still in high school...thats great!! when i am 40 ill look 30!
its hard to write sometimes. feel like nothing interesting is really going on...just kind of living life out yaknow?
i am feeling much better about the "guy" situation. i am not so psycho anymore, i have given it up to God and i trust Him that He will take care of it. The best part about it, the letting God have it is that 1. i am more intune to how to minister to him, and how to pray for him 2. God takes care of me, He fills up the void and gives me grace and wisdom in the situation. It still sucks sometimes, but i am past it...i just know that God crossed our paths for one reason or another, and if i never talk to him again and i never see him again, i just have to trust that God is in control and that he knows what he is doing.
I am not tired at all....i want to do something...but dont really feel like leaving...i think i will read a book or something....or journal...i havent done that in forever! i think alot. but never actually write it down anymore. i used to journal all the time. i think i want to get back into that....its a great way to look back and realize what you have accomplished. this blog helps...if you have read from the get-go, you'd see how much i have grown in just the last couple months!!
well i think that is it....
c.ALIce

*Steph, He loves you!! Remember the first conversation we ever had concerning Him (drive from cinci to c-ville)...it is still true today. He is the fixer and the Healer....allow Him to be that!!!*

back to real life

i grew up in a baptist church. i could say that i dont have any bitterness as a result, but i would be lying. whenever we would have communion, it was always prefaced by the need for the participant to be pure, clean and sin-free. i havent taken communion for many years because i have never felt "worthy" or in a place in my life where i felt i was "allowed." that idea carried on to other parts of my life. whether to be in ministry, whether to serve, whether to say anything....this weekend i had an incredible revelation. i always thought that in order for God to speak to me clearly, i had to be a certain way. i had to act a certain way. He again blows me away with his gracious love. I realized this weekend that i dont have to be anything spectacular, i dont have to be forgiven and sin-free before i come into God's presence. "Just as I am" took a whole new meaning this weekend. i have concentrated so much in the past on where i am, my insecurities, my failures, my short-comings, my unfaithfulness, my numbness, my life...i avoided coming to God because i didnt think that i could even begin to connect to Him without having to repent of every sin i had (whether or not i was fully prepared to). i worried so much in my head that i would never become what He wanted me to be because i was such a "black sheep" of christianity. i have never been one to like to follow rules, and i tend to break the rules just to test people and myself. i was so consumed with the fact that i had struggles. it is a blessing to be broken...but the funny part about it (and the relief) is that although i am being broken, i feel more whole than i have in a long time. It truly has been illustrated that He uses us in our weakness.
the weekend: i went to a "basic prayer training" basically they went over prayers, how to pray for others, practice listening and a safe place to grow. i admit, i am not much of a prayer warrior...at least i didnt think i was. i thought that in order to pray i had to stop my day and just be in some quiet place and concentrate really hard. i was so unaware that i pray continually, and that He speaks to me constantly. i am not fond of praying outloud in front of people, but this experience blew that out of the water. i want to pray so much, i want to speak God's love into peoples lives. i want to be used by God. i went in thinking that it was pointless, i felt like i really wanted to be vulnerable then at a point i just closed up. i felt the struggle around me. The angels of God fighting for me. i am pretty stubborn. i let go. that is not easy for me. i didnt repent of anything, i just simply listened...and He spoke, in a voice that was all too familiar, i just never realized who it was. Now sometimes, in my day, i hear it and just giggle because i know who it is.
i dont have all the answers. i am trying like everyone else. i still have my struggles in my life. but this huge burden of "performance anxiety" was lifted off of me. i am not one that likes to fake being anything but what i am...i almost prefer to be dysfunctional instead of pretending i have it all together...cause i dont. today i didnt think much about what i was doing wrong...how screwed up i am, i didnt fret and get frustrated over the fact that i wasnt measuring up to this image i felt like people forced upon me. i simply walked in the idea that He takes me "just as i am" and it became real to me.
granted, from my last blog, i am still struggling with really truly receiving God's love and acceptance. It is still head knowledge. i dont know how to accept it, but each day i get closer and closer. i always thought it would hit me so hard that i had no control over how i would accept it. it scared me that i had no control. but He knows me well enough to know my fears and cautious behavior. He is so gentle with me. He is "becoming" all i need. He has yet to strip me of myself, but nurtures me. He brings me in closer, little by little and i am not nearly as scared as i have been. i am not quite ready to give Him everything, but He is patient and gracious. He lifts up his skirt and dances on my head. He enjoys me. He wants to be near to me. He loves me unconditionally. He is faithful, patient and full of grace. He knows the plans He has for me...to prosper, not to destroy. He opens up the Heavens and i have access to everything He is and has. He makes me laugh. He talks to me with a bit of sarcasm sometimes. He is so near to me that my heart leaps in my chest. i get butterflies in my stomach and cant help but be in that place between giggling hysterically and crying uncontrollably. He makes me laugh, He makes me cry. and the amazing thing is that it is nothing that i did, no deed i accomplished, no proof of extra-ordinary faith, but just because...
it makes me not want to care about stupid boys, surface people, debt or the future, but i really want to stay in this moment. a quiet moment of just sitting on His lap and just being with Him.
no pressure, no expectations, no rules, no constraints...."just as i am" i come and am content in my entire being with just being accepted as i am.

"Jesus, Lover of my soul, You are awesome. Teach me to receive Your love and accept Your forgiveness. Help me to forgive myself for not measuring up to the false expectations. Continue to keep company with me, Your spirit makes my heart happy. Thank you for never giving up on me and pursuing me with such a passion. Guard my heart, send your angels to fight on my behalf and never let me stray from your truth. Become my one and only, complete me. Your lil princess"

slacker

yes i know...i am a slacker...for those that read this religiously i am sorry i am letting ya down (actually i am not, but life needs some simple pleasantries).
this one is going to be short....and requires a little participation.
1. God told me today that i am unique and funny...that is awesome! He is pretty cool Himself
2. i have found that i have a very hard time recieving love, from people in general (which is why i need constant affirmation of their approval) but more importantly and most disheartening is that i have a hard time recieving GOD's LOVE and ACCEPTANCE!! i know in my mind that truth; that He loves me unconditionally and accepts me as i am, but i still struggle to have my heart and mind think on the same terms. i love God, He is awesome. I have accepted Him and He has done amazing things in my life. But still in the midst of all that i hold back from Him my most prized possession...my heart. I know He will be kind and gentle. I just have a hard time accepting that He loves me as i am today and that i dont have to do some sort of major overhaul to recieve that affirmation from Him.
Here is where you come in....Do you have any advice on how to experience in my heart what i know is truth in my head!?!?!?!
leave some love!
c.ALIce

transition

I have one of those days where I really want to be someone else. I feel like it is a waste of time to sit here at this computer, but each time I am here I am learning something new….but it is so unproductive most days. I stare at the screen and try to think of something creative to do….and end up just staring at it all day. Sometimes I just feel really unmotivated. My heart says yes, my mind says yes and my body says “hell no!” I think about where I wanted to be a year ago…I have come a long way, but it just seems like the road will never end. Sorta like dealing with my struggles, I figure once I deal with them, there will just be more lined up right behind in a never-ending winding line of things to deal with…so I figure if I don’t deal with the ones on the surface, I wont have to go any deeper,
Today I am very frustrated with God. I feel like He just keeps on disappointing me. Its because he doesn’t do what I pray for. Its like he is ignoring me….payback time or something? I don’t expect to get everything I pray for, but I think that there is some sort of give and receive policy (which is TOTALLY not the case). He gives regardless of me, yet I give back in condition to what I receive. I am such a hypocrite! Someone said once that you need to “expect” god to do something, well in my brain, I expect him to give me all the answers regardless of whether or not I ask or seek.
I really don’t like having days off. I think that I feel like my life and security lies in my job (granted I love my job too). I feel bad when I don’t work, thinking I am lazy or something. The expectations that I force onto myself are far above and beyond what anyone else may expect of me. I am very harsh on myself and tend to take a lot out on me. I figure if I take the blame for everything, I wont have to continually go through those “conflict resolution” talks. I have this extreme vision in my head of this incredible person I am supposed to be and I fall short and fail at any attempt to begin to be anything like her.
Ya know, I have awesome friends. New and old, they are amazing to me. I find It very hard to create new relationships with people, and if you have read my blog before, especially guys, but I am so over it. I have made some quality relationships lately, I am not talking about the run of the mill someone to hang out with acquaintances. I am talking about lifetime relationships. I see the people to be in my life for a very long time. Which I think is more of a treasure and a gift than to be the most popular with the most toys and tons of friends, but to have those genuine friendships with people that truly care and love you, and respect you and your heart regardless of where you are in life. Some people have one or two of those people, I am blessed with many!!! I try very hard not to take them for granted and let them know how much I do truly recognize and appreciate their friendships.
I don’t have much to complain about if I think about it. Funny how I can start this with one attitude and end with another…sometimes I just need to vent to come back to where I need to be and know the joys I do possess.
I am still struggling. I am still frustrated with God. I am anxious and nervous. I still portray that “hard ass” persona…I still have no idea where people get that idea!!
I am having my birthday party on Saturday and I am very excited of those that have decided to come. My friend steph is driving up from Georgetown, and I cant wait to see her. I hope that kadie will come, I miss her. Of course all my new found friends….better not stand me up!! I think it will be a good time…meet new friends and be with old ones. I am very excited. I am also going to this prayer training thing at my church on Saturday and I am anxious to hear from God….everyone please pray that my heart will be softened to hear and accept him. I just really want someone incredible to happen, I am expecting God to do something extra-ordinary, please don’t disappoint me lord!
It will be a good weekend. I hope that colin jen Kevin and will come…I would love to get to know them better. I am getting better. sometimes I seriously think I am manic-depressive….i just get into these funks…in certain situations. But in my element….in my niche….i am something else. I just wish I always felt like I was in my niche…yaknow?
I think I am done actually
c.ALIce

sucks

it really sucks when you like someone and they dont like you back.....
i guess that is life.
i watched the Patriots today....by far my favorite football team, sorry for all you bengals fans...i just got no respect! of course the pats won...21 games in a row!! i would marry tom brady, but i am sure that we would not be compatible in person and that he has got like swarms of beautiful girls..and i am not keyed up on his spiritual journey...like reading what he tells magazines would be believable anyway!
i had a long weekend....did a tailgate party for ed rodgerson...i dont think i would ever want to be that rich, seems like the more money you have the more things you have to have and the more you compromise on the basics. nothing against him..he's cool, just thinking about it.
i am really tired today, which i would think would make me want to write a whole bunch, defenses down and all, no real inhibitions, but i think i would rather sleep.
ya ever start a new diet like every day!?!?! for some reason i feel like my body is just not good enough....like my personality can be exceptional but some people dont "notice" me because of my body...dont get me wrong i am cute and adorable, and no way like 300 pounds, but still i feel like i dont measure up....DAMN IT!! when will i ever stop comparing myself to others and being disappointed by people all the time! there is a lot of pressure to look like all beautiful and stuff, and seems like the personality comes second....dont people just look down the road and see that in 20 years, no one is going to be near to perfect...the added menopause weight, wrinkles, glasses....and whatever else life throws at ya...people are dumb, i take that back..guys are dumb! oh well, not all...but if it wasnt a mass majority..i am beginning to think they just dont get it! i mean i am clueless...but they are far beyond me in just plain ignorance! i love boys!! one day i will have one to put up with me.
pity party for me....i just wish "he" would call....but he doesnt read this crap i write on here, so it is not like he even has a clue! ya know...i am usually not a boy-fanatic...i have my occasions crushes, but as a friend would say "girl, you are crushing hard" i dont need words of encouragment that one day "he" will come..i know he will....just tired its not like anyone HASNT been there...everyone has had that longing...its natural, and the fact i write about it (more than anything else it seems) is 1. because it is fresh on my brain 2. there is really no closure yet 3. you actually read it! i just think "he" is great. being his friend would actually suffice i think...IF HE WOULD EVER CALL!! EMAIL!! IM!!! just something! tomorrow i will be done with it. It is all in his hands now.
ever have those days where you just want to crawl up and die! it is rare for me....mainly on days where i feel really worthless and unimportant, or those days where i am humbled. i cant imagine what people think about me..just by reading a blog online...those people really have no idea who i am...hell, i dont even know who i am!! i have been discouraged lately by people telling me that my dream of a city-wide young adult ministry is near impossible...who the hell do they think they are to 1.doubt my desire 2. limit God.!?!??! they just want to make me want to give up and not even try...and i know i dont feel like i am in the best position in life to even go through with it...but if i relied on that excuse i would never get anything done!
i have really enjoyed spending time with my newest found friend becky..she is supercool and fun to hang out with. i dont feel like i have to impress her or walk on eggshells around her...its nice.
it is so quiet today. something i love about sundays...they are quiet and peaceful, especially when i dont have to work...it is the one day that is mine! my soul is weary. i just want a fresh start in my life. to take back all the stupid things away i do (that makes people think i am weird or psycho). i want to be pure again. i want to have an unbaised view on life. i want to be secure in who i am. the funny thing about wanting all those things is that Jesus provides all that, and yet i am scared to death to grab hold....what would happen to me if He actually broke my spirit. What if my prayers did come into life. what if i knew my purpose on earth beyond just the basics...what if i could hear him more clearly? What if i was more obedient? Would people still recognize me? its like i am afraid that if i truly give Him all of me, then He will take it from me...take things i love, people i love. things i do....and i am afraid that i will be so connected to Him that i will be disconnected from this person i am now (not that she is the best ever, but she is familiar). I shouldn't be afraid. I am unique either way, but it is just scary to have that kind of intimacy with someone...the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, the failures, the insecuries. i cant even imagine that anytime soon in my personal life, more or less than my spiritual life (the funny thing is that i consider them seperate lives..._) He is really not apart of my personal life, yeah i take HIM into consideration a lot, but i cant say that i feel that my personal and spiritual lives are flawlessly intertwined. walls are hard to tear down. mine is like the great wall of China...and inside my walls are imprisonment, bondage, and suffering...gosh i am getting way metaphorical...like all poetic like...i am sure most have lost me already.
i think i am done...i am sure that i could go on all night..but i wont.
c.ALIce

one of those days.....

ever had one of those days where everything seems to be against you. today is definately one of those days. i started last night when my mattress was soaked with rain water from earlier in the week, so i had to sleep with my sister. didnt sleep well, then i get woke up to figure out something on ebay (which i feel is becoming my life...one day without EBAY PLEASE!!) it sucks. some guy bitched me out because i decided not to sale to him (which was through email not ebay...i am not evil). so he brings up whether or not i went to church?! what does that have anything to do with renigging? under my understanding it was NOT a confirmed order, just an offer! but still, makes me feel like crap because i gave him a false impression of my character (or maybe a true impression, which is even scarier). i hate letting people down. i think i need a vacation, wait, my entire life is a vacation! i am pathetic. why do you even care?
i always want people to see that i have it all together but i am clueless. i think i act like a hard ass all the time so people wont know all my insecurites. i am needy. i am unworthy. i am clueless. i am dis-trusting. i am weak and frail. please dont look! but i am also strong. i am secure. i am faithful. i am worthy. i am trustworthy. i am still needy! maybe everyone is. (my need: to have constant affirmation of my worth).
ok i am done!!
c.ALIce
check out this site....it will make you smile!!
http://c.myspace.com/00024/17/31/24871371_s.gif

obsessive

have i ever mentioned to anyone that i am OBSESSIVE!! i try very hard not to be, it comes naturally, i get it from my mom!! i blame everything on my mom...anything i dont like about myself i blame on her! i am a big girl though, i have the power to change. there are many things in my life that i dont want to be. i dont want to be "that girl"...and i have hung out with guys enough to have a good idea what "that girl" is like. if you arent following, its ok...
anyway, enough about me....no wait, this is ALL ABOUT ME!! that is why i love it so much!! do you know i love the doors? they are awesome! no one has quite been able to master their style...their sex appeal...their legacy. i think if jim morrison were still alive today, he would still be ultra-cool...some old guy, still possessing that weird old guy sex appeal...no one quite compares..maybe mick jagger...although i dont think he even compares to jim morrison! i like so many different things, it is actually quite funny...last week i was totally diggin the old world jazz, rosemary clooney, louis armstrong, nancy sinatra etc etc and a bit of the roaring twenties. this week i am definately mixin it up with classic rock and country! next week i think i will probably delve into some hard rock, like godsmack or disturbed. i think i may have issues! =) just kidding, i am way cool!

still single

Somewhere along the way I figured out that I would'nt have what i wanted as far as guys go because i am attracted to the wrong ones, they are incredible men of God, sweet spirited, and handsome to nearly every woman they encounter. How will I ever compete with the beauty that surrounds me, why out of the mix would they choose me. I have beautiful friends. They are the ones that get the second glance. I am pretty, i have a good amount of confidence in my cuteness (ask anyone of my friends...they will no doubtably agree i think i am cute). Still, i think as anyone struggles (unless of course they are perfect) with self image. I am not gripping, or being down on myself. I just wonder sometimes if there will ever be that person that truly loves YOU, not what you look like. Will anyone be able to look past the few extra pounds (and by GOD give some grace for change), and see the character within. i totally understand that people have different types, they are attracted to different things all together. i just wonder sometimes why God has chosen for me to be single for so long. I really dont mind, i have learned not to settle for less...it was a hard lesson. Sometimes it is nice to know that there is someone there even if they arent in a way.
I am nieve, more than most my age i think, when it comes to dating and relationships with guys in general. all my friends 'cept one, are girls. i dont have many guy friends. no real reason why that i know of...i get along with them fine. Most of the time we have more in common with them than with my girls.
I trust that God will totally prepare my husband for me (maybe that is what is taking so long!). Now, i am content. just waiting for the one to be brave enough to ask me out!! in the meantime i want to grow and I want to be everything he needs as well. i want to concentrate on Jesus, yet do you know how hard that is when you see all your friends getting married?!?!
speaking of marriage. i went to my first catholic wedding last weekend. those people know how to have LONG weddings and how to drink! of course i was the designated driver (otherwise known as drunk duty). i dont mind though. i met some really cool people. i would like to hang out with them again. it felt comfortable, they were very welcoming, i wish more christians were like bar flys! to let down some inhibitions and just make friends.
another fun aspect of my trip: one of the groomsmen was totally crushing on me! there was nothing there,but it was nice for someone to be at least interested. i am not one that really likes guessing games. i want someone to tell me straight upfront, "hey, i like you and i want to get to know you better in hopes to have a relationship and eventually get married if it so happens" guys can be so weird sometimes. i want to be won over. make your intentions clear. i guess the problem with that is when i am not interested in them. i try to make my interest clear, but there is a fine line in being too forward and scaring potentials away or being clear enough (though the previous has never really happened to me). i dont tend to want a relationship (romantic) with many people, but when i do, i try to let them know. i can understand guys reservations with girls, girls can be mean and hateful, and i am sure they can only take so much rejection in a lifetime. it would make it easier to start a relationship with someone if there wasnt so many rules or inhibition. i want to feel ok with calling a guy, without feeling like i am on his nerves. i am being a such a girl!!! i know that God will be faithful and bring someone to me that is designed for me...i think i just tend to break my heart in all the hangups. wanna know the way to my heart? just ask!

beautiful

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
Count on the makeup to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep
Because I cannot keep their attention
Thought I could be strong
But it’s killing me

Does someone hear my cry
I’m dying for new life

I want to be beautiful
And make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart
And be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won’t you help me back to glory

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart
And I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love
And beautiful

Bethany Dillon

.........

They are just words...

a heart issue

everyday i learn something new. everyday i learn how to love people more. everyday i learn how people are different. my passion is people. i have learned over the years to give grace to the differences. i glad that i am in a time in my life where there is so much ahead of me. i am anxious to see what God has in store. I am glad of the people that i encounter along the way that show me glimpses of the human spirit. people that are aware of their insecurities and letdowns, and grow from them, not hold on to them. circumstances and situations we encounter have a great impact on how we percieve life and other people. We have the choice in which to let our hurts be baggage or to live and learn. i tend to respect people more when they live and learn. God is gracious enough to heal our pain, we just have to be willing to give it to Him.
i am sure i have baggage, pretty much no doubt actually. as a friend would say i am "damaged goods" but i am better for it, if someone cant accept me because of it, then that is their loss.
ill still grow. i want to grow.
I am amazed how faithful God is to me. He is the only ever-constant thing in my life. He is everything i need,and the sooner i realize that, the less i will try to find myself in things i do and where i am. I have a prety good grasp on my insecurities and where they stemmed from. i am in a constant process of healing and redemption. it is part of the adventure.
the truth of the matter...
we pray to God as King David in Psalm 51:10 "Create in me a clean heart, O God" and He returns to us this response...
"I will give you a NEW heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heard of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And i will put my spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws." Ezekiel 36:26-27
what i noticed about that is that HE does it. He gives, He puts, He removes, He gives, He puts, He moves....He doesnt just clean up the battered and torn heart within us, He goes to the most expensive and most locked away parts of heaven and gets you a NEW heart. A shiny,bright, brand new, polished, and well kept heart. Is He just waiting for us to ask for it? that is something i am not sure about.
c.ALICE
"Jesus, Lover of my soul. REPLACE our hearts. Restore us completely unto You. Become everything we need and let us rely on You for our value and security. Allow us to recieve Your glory. Give to us Your victory. In Jesus name, amen"

face down in the surface of things

I dont want to play games. I am a good person. i am not used to having to force someone to let me know them. I had an experience the other day in which i asked a genuinely inquisitive question and i got refused an answer. It made me take a step back. I am not a very trusting person myself, but i rarely come across someone that doesnt trust me. it hurt, but i guess i have to realize that not all friendships are the same. and of course it was with a guy, so it makes me think that they are more difficult to get to know. i am being such a girl. i guess it just caught me off guard. this making NEW friends is harder than i thought. My process of friendships have been easier, i have friends that we just had a instant connection, i didnt feel like i had to work at it, i didnt have to give a 6 month grace period in order for them to feel more comfortable to share with me. People i have been meeting lately are so closed up and scared to death to experience anything new. Its like they dont want new friends, they are so content. i feel like i am doing major overhaul to them just to say hi. why is it so difficult?!?!? thank you to those that dont make it such a chore!! sometimes in the process of trying to get to know someone, i feel like i am more of a burden than a blessing...doesn't make me want to try hard ya know?
i cant force anyone to be my friend, yet i know by past experiences, i am one damn good friend.
dont worry babe, i didnt take it personally, i am over it, just caught me off guard.
I AM SO SICK OF SURFACE RELATIONSHIPS!!! can i please have ONE night where i have someone to sit with for hours and talk about everything...no expectations, no hiding! I am so beyond the hi, how are you....i want the "hi, let us pray together" it is not about finding a soulmate (in guy terms), it is about intense relationships. People that strive to go deeper with God, and live out their passions, and that arent afraid to be vulnerable. I have incredible friends, and i am not in any way taking that for granted...but i want more. it is my longing in life to dig deep into people's lives and encourage them, and i cant do that if i cant get past the polite pleasantries. maybe it is just me...sometimes i feel with certain people that they just dont want to associate with me because i am not a certain way, not pretty enough or wear the right outfits are drive the right cars, but that is just them being ignorant, because if they knew me beyond the surface, and if they saw the type of people that are my friends, they would SO want to know me. screw it...why should i try so hard if they arent going to give me the same respect.
i feel this way in more than just physical relationships, but also in my spiritual relationship. With God, i want to be intense, i want to fast and pray continually, i want to have my own prayer language with Him, i want to be used to heal people, i want to truly recognize and not be afraid of my spiritual gifts. i want to sit with HIM for hours and not feel uncomfortable or awkward and we could talk about everything, laugh and cry and really get to know each other. I want to be able to look at a stranger and hear God and walk up to them and speak God's love to them, and it be so personal and supernatural. I believe God still works like that. There arent many places where it is safe to act like that without people looking at you like you were kin to benny hinn. I want to be ravished by the Holy Spirit. It is not hokey....it is intense. My heart jumps in my chest at the thought of being that in-tune to HIM. The completeness, the wholeness, the mere knowledge of being near to HIM. I wish more than ever that my life would reflect my heart.
my favorite poem is in the sidebar! JOHNDONNEROCKS!!
c.ALIce
"Jesus, aficionado a mi alma, eres me amor. Tu eres hermoso. yo rogo por mis amigos nuevos y mis amigos viejos. abre los corazons de nuestros. ayudeme. eres fiel. damos fuerza. robe nuestro orgullo. en el nombre de Jesus, amen"

beauty holder

We are daughters of the Most High. You could probably say we are the Princesses of the Universe.

We are Daughters of the Most High. We are not judged or critiqued on earthly standards. God is big! He is perfect and gives the best gifts. Dont settle for less, wait and anticipate what Jesus will do for you because of His great love for you. He is not going to let you down. He will fulfill the desires of your heart (even though you may not know what they are yet). I am not sure i even know yet. Trust that He will keep His promises and continue to be faithful.

Dont let the world tell you what your value is...it is fickle and unfaithful. Your value is that of a treasured prize. You are a diamond in the rough. You are WORTH what HE is preparing for you. Jesus cherishes you. He considers you an essential aspect of Himself. He created you in beauty and grace, He doesnt screw up. Decide today to live in that.

coming into it

it has been an exciting weekend. i want to start a city-wide young adult ministry in cincinnati, and it seems to be coming together. people are coming forward and things are moving forward. it is way exciting for me because THIS is what gets my blood pumping. the first email i got said "they weren't interested", this was disheartening coming from a church, but that was it...now i have talked to 10 different people, and i know others that are interested. it is so exciting! i think i can say exciting one more time!!! He is INCREDIBLE...His ways are perfect and in perfect timing. I am ready for it, i am committed to it. I dont have anything holding me back. it will be awesome!! just wait and see...

simple thought

His mercy renews each morning...there is no yesterday to Him...He loves YOU, not your circumstance...KNOW that, if nothing else. Today is the day of salvation...

Inhale

I was talking to a friend last night that just reinterated my view about life's simplicity. It was a relief. For those that dont know, I dont think that life is all that complex, we just make it that way, partially because we wrestle with another world force, and because we way over-analyze every detail. I am the worst I think, hmmm, nah, i know worse! According to the Word, what is our mission here on earth? To Love God. To Love People. It is as if you can just ask yourself two questions when you are deciding to do something. Will this show i love God? Will this show i love people? The answers are most of the time so obvious, and your spirit doesnt let you down.
my decisions: whether to move to ky with the 'rents. i knew deep down i would be miserable there, but i have a tendency to feel obligated (especially with my family) to make sure everything is ok. funny, cause that is not typical for the baby of the family. my parents arent in the best health, and i have fear that i wont be able to spend enough time with them before they pass, or that they cant survive without me. these are excuses of me over-analyzing everything. i love my parents, i couldn't have had better ones, but they were SO happy when they came back from bulldozing the land. They were glowing. They will be ok there, they have family all around them. i am supposed to be here, and i am ok with that. God is here. He is whereever i go, He hasnt failed me yet, He will make the path clear, and in the process teach me to trust him a little more...
c.ALIce

sidenote: Fear is simply a lack of Trust...

coming back

So I decided that I was going to sit down and read my bible. It’s been a while; I wasn’t sure where to begin, so I prayed, like I knew how. I sat and journaled whatever came to mind hoping that something would pop out at me, I starting think about relationship with Jesus, how loosely the term is thrown around. I look up in my concordance and found nothing; I brought out the big guns and looked in Strongs concordance and still nothing with the word “relationship.” I thought about the context of relationship, and how the bible refers to types of relationships as us being the bride, the friend, the slave, the servant, the child. Well that is all I came up with…I am sure there are more, anyway, so I sat and pondered all the types and what each type entailed as far as a duty the is applied to it, A bride is submissive loved and obedient, the child loved and cared for, the slave and servant get their provisions from the Master and the friends ultimate duty is to be willing to die. I thought about my life and how I fall short so many times in regards to my role in my relationship. I am the stubborn child that kicks and streams when I don’t get my way, and do anything to avoid punishment, I am the bride that harlots around town like in the story of gomer and hosea. I am short of being obedient, but find more that I have a disastrous pride that rules me. I am not close to dying, I cant find the motivation to even go to church in any other capacity than Sunday worship, I looked up the definition of “relationship” and came up with that it is the condition or fact of being related connected or associated, a connection by blood or marriage related to or having “dealings” with each other, a connection existing between two people, or the far fetched idea of romantic or sexual involvement. What a load…I understood why the word was used, but still….merely to be connected? Then I talked to a friend, she mentioned that it wasn’t relationship that was mentioned in the bible but the countless references to “knowing’ God, oh what a relief!!! So I looked it up…and I re-iterate, COUNTLESS references, Old and New Testament. I look up the Hebrew, the Greek and the English dictionary, looked into the verses associated and came up with the definition. I don’t merely to be associated or “deal” with GOD; I want to take on the definition of know...to perceive, to achieve understanding of, to apprehend (from the Latin word meaning to seize). To be convinced by DIRECT INTUITION. To grasp in the mind with clarity and certainty, can you tell I am a word person (must have been the linguistic major!). Going on, to have a Practical understanding of THROUGH experience. I know, probably sounds so simple to you, but think about it, would you rather have a ‘relationship” with God, or an understanding through experience. It was huge to me. I am not dissing the idea of relationship; I am not condemning the use of the word to help Christians better understand the concept of life with GOD I am just blown away by the distinct reference He gave to us between relationship and TO KNOW. My favorite definition: to be able to distinguish and recognize as distinct and to discern the character or nature of. The Hebrew word for know, used most often in bible (no. 3045 in strongs) refers to know as to diligence, discover, and a familiar friend. God knows us; He knows every facade of our being. He loves us enough to know our aching for companionship and our want for a 48” HDTV. He wants to reveal himself to you. On a secular level, can you imagine if your favorite person of all time invited you to be his best friend? Lets say that bono (of U2, as if you didn’t know) walked up to your doorstep and said, “Ya know I think you are wonderful and I want us to become friends.” Now imagine for a long moment that the creator of the entire universe and beyond came to your front door and said that. Talk about being awe-struck, this is what bible study is all about, to come to an understanding of Jesus, and how He relates to me. How he relates to you. That is the vision that gives me hope, which is something I can share to the world. That is something everyone needs. Its sad when I get lost in all the religious jargon that I am not sure what my belief system is made up of. What does the term “saved” mean? Where did it come from? Sounds like a new word search!

relapse

my posts have been quite depressing lately, which bothers me because i am not one to be all that depressive. i feel much better now. i am not really worried about the whole moving thing anymore. i get all worked up over nothing sometimes, and i then i just have to take a deep breath and realize that God will take care of me. In my gut i will always know, He does not lead me into temptation, but He is the deliverer!! It is just a simple wrestling between my "true" heart and my worldly desires (and ultimately i always choose Him).
I have a vision, and i intend for it to become a reality. life is so much more complicated when your eyes are not fixed. I am a pretty simple person i think. i dont need much to be happy. just good friends and family and fun times. i am responsible enough to get my bills paid, but i dont stress over it, HE has always come through. i consider myself pretty laid back, i dont get worked over about much of anything...besides what i am truly passionate about.
i think i have come to this point in my life where i am sit of struggling with the same things over and over. i am sick of running away from everything. i want to get serious about my relationship with GOD, not for me, but for others. I want GOD to use me in incredible ways to speak into the lives of people, and lately i have felt so dry to speak at all. i love JESUS, with much of me. He still draws me closer and closer to Himself, which amazes me because it is not often, if ever, that you experience that kind of passion for your being. its hard when you live in a world with unreliable people and always seem to fail you to find a solice and a comfort in HIM. i find it very hard to trust HIM, and He is the creator of me...He desires to ill to me. It is just coming one step closer. When i realize that HE is all i need, then i can come to trust those around me. I come to be able to love them more deeply because i am not worried about the superfiscal things like "do they like me" "am i cool enough" "am i pretty enough" cause those things all fade away when the only person that really matters, is the one person that fills all those voids. I will never be perfect, i will never have it all figured out. I will have more days where i feel like i am lost and unguided. He is constantly guiding me, i just have to stop, be still and breathe.
c.ALIce
kudos for my friends that put up with my tantrums....GLORY TO GOD that HE puts up with all of me, all the time!!!

“Jesus, lover of my soul, stir up in us a spirit of rebeliion against evil. Give us a passion to fight for you, to fight for love and purity. Be a constant reminder in our hearts and minds that this life is about adventure. Let our passion be to YOU and YOUR will. Give us a surge in our souls to conquer over the things we struggle with, the things we hold on to. Be clear and concise. You are the mightiest of warriors, take each of us aside in a quiet place and motivate us, give us the pep talk we so desperately need. Your love is fantastic, adventurous and powerful. Grant us an experience with it, give us a taste. All glory to YOU because you are the author and finisher. All to you oh Lord…your lil princess.”

what to do what to do

so i have some decisions to make...my parents are moving to kentucky, which is an option. my sister and i are considering to buy a house, yet another option. i can move to various places all over the world and start afresh, where oh where do i want to go? i have come to believe that there are no wrong or right answers, i mean, yes there is right and wrong, but in my life all the paths seem good and right to a certain degree. in order to figure out where i want to go, i have to decide what i want to do. i am good at many things, i am multi-talented but mediocre in them. i feel like i need to be the best and the exceptional to make a difference.
i feel like i need a fresh slate to reinvent myself. i have been in the same rut for years. i have my ups and downs, but most of the time i feel clueless. there are things in my life that i have been meaning to do for years, and just procrasinated them to no avail. i just want to go somewhere where no one knows me, and no one has certain requirements on my behavior and where no one is looking. at times i feel the motives are ungodly, its easier to act out when there is no accountability, and other times i feel my motives are pure and just a chance to get reconnected without feeling like people i have known for years will see it as being out of character. i know they would be supportive, but still...i'd rather them not watch.
i have so many friends in cincinnati, but now is the time to go and experience something else. why do i always feel like i need to run somewhere else? am i scared of being stuck somewhere. i think i dont want to lose the freedom to do what i want when i want to...maybe i need to change, maybe it has been eating at me for a while because GOD keeps telling me to move on and i just ignore it because i am so comfortable here. i am not a very good listener. i have many good ideas that can be done anywhere...why cincinnati?? How do i know what i am supposed to do...if i dont know what my purpose is and what i want to do or who i am...how can i make rash decisions, but then why not make rash decisions..i am still young. i can make friends anywhere, i can seek God anywhere...why is one place better than another...?
i get this way like once every couple months where i really want change and something new and different, and it passes away and i go on with my life, as mundane as it is, then it never fails to resurface again...
i wish i had an answer. i wish that God would just hand it to me and let me be. i wish that i just knew. i wish i didnt over-analyze everything. i wish i had more discipline. i wish i had more self control. i wish i was great at something other than mediocre at lots of things. i wish i could fly away. i wish i could teach myself anything. i wish i had more time. i wish i didnt have so much time on my hands. i wish i could just sit still. i wish i had more to do. i wish my wishes would come true.
c.ALIce

lazy sunday

sundays for me are always the lazy days. i hate working on sundays. fortunately today i dont have to...i get to sit around and do nothing, but of course i have plans and a million things that need to be done on the only day this week that i can really get anything accomplished. i stayed out really late last night, i think i got home just before 5am. hung out with some people from work, they are cool people, but i feel so awkward hanging out with them because we dont have much in common other than talking about work. i rarely ever drink so i dont have any drunken episode stories to share. makes me feel really outta place. sometimes i get into those situations or with groups of people and i just feel like i dont belong. it is almost worst at church though. i havent been to church in month or so...have no real desire. i love GOD, He is amazing and i know that He is all i need, He alone can fulfill me, but still its lonely sometimes. i sucks to have an opposite schedule than most of your friends. i am going out when they are going to bed...i am definately a night owl...i can sleep in as late as i want so i can stay out late...seems like the only people that can are those that are getting wasted. i dont mind...i just miss having those close christian friends that you could call at 1am and just get together and talk or just hang out.
i have really missed brian lately, He has been in many conversations. i am not totally sure i have dealt with his death yet. i understand that he is gone, he will never come back, and i think most of the time i feel worse for not missing him.
i am in one of those moods where i just want to crawl up and die. my soul is weary of trying not so hard and getting nowhere. but too weak to try any harder to get where i want to be. days like today make me feel like it would be easier just to forsake God and live for me...but i have been there so many times and i know how hopeless and pointless it is...and there is more pressure to be molded into some sort of cookie-cutter image of society. i think that is why most people are out of church, they get drawn into the cookie-cutters, being a certain way (ie drinking bars clubs) gives back some certain reward, but christianity is open and such a risk...its hard to go against the flow of the majority.
i had fun this weekend hanging out with friends, meeting new ones and reconnecting with old ones. this week has been extremely lONG!! feels like it has been a month not a week.
at the same time, today is a lazy and lonely day. i just want to have that "one" person ya know? someone to always count on to hang out with you...someone to make out with every once in a while...its cool to hang out with people, i love to be around them....but i just want that one person to be with. seems sorta hopeless today. i know i know, he will come when i least expect it...i am beginning to think that i will never stop expecting it.
enough of my drama...i need to go get something accomplished cause i cant stand to just be here and do nothing, as much as probably need to.
laterz
c.ALIce

been a long day

i worked all day and didnt make near as much as i wanted to. orrin and cindy are my saviors from utter boredom by talking to me via instant messaging through my phone. its cool...thanks buddies! watched a little bit of the debates...not all that interesting. i am trying to make a smart decision in november. i'd rather make up my own mind than have people tell me who to vote for.
i am listening to a sermon from the vineyard, and i remember how much i really miss it there. i stopped going there in november of last year, started to go to another smaller church and was helping there and met some great people, but still there is something about springdale vineyard...i need to make more of an effort to go.
i am just scared to death to get serious about God...still dealing with that trust issue i guess...i feel like i will always be dealing with it.
i need some fun time with some friends!! i love my peeps!!

change today

so today has been somewhat productive. i mowed the grass, pretty much my only "chore" per se, even though i do much more. i then went to pick up my girl sarah and we went down to mt adams and i got my hair done. i figure since there is not much in life that is really changing that i need to always be able to do something with my hair. i went a long time and didnt do anything. i used to dye it all the time, had piercings and tattoos. I think i am over that trying to find myself time. it is a little drastic, it is red, brown and blonde. i think it will take me a bit to get used to. i am really tired today for some reason. its not like i dont get enough sleep!
since i graduated i have been in some sort of rut. i dont do anything much creative anymore, and i tend to avoid it. i am trying to teach myself everything i wanted to learn in college but didnt. I anticipated change once i graduated, and it doesnt seem like anything has changed. i decided a couple weeks ago that everyday i would do something for my body, soul and mind. That lasted like a week!! i am trying to get back into it, it was alot easier when i was only working 2-3 days, now i am working 5-6.
i feel very distant from God. I havent been to church in a couple months. i dunno why, i just dont feel like it. i see who i am and i so want a change in my spirit, so as a second resort i went to the hair stylist. i am so weary of the mundane. I want a fresh start. sometimes i feel trapped to be a certain way because of all the people around me. They have been my freinds for 10+ years and i find it very difficult for change in me to happen without them having some sort of comment.
There are so many things i want to do that i never get around to. i realized just recently my false security of having trust in God. in all actuality, my daily routine says otherwise. i keep saying i have trust, but then turn around and try to take everything in my own hands and make it all ok. My big dilemna now is what i really want to do with my life. most days i love my job, easy, good money, flexible, has insurance, but then others i feel like i need to get a career or as my parents call it "a real job." but i make more than most people do with a real job. why cant life just be simple. live to love, love to live. no bills, no debt, no need to live paycheck to paycheck. to truly be able to experience life without the worries of tomorrow.
i am thinking about buying a house, a more of a community place. i plan to live there, and i plan to have roommates. i have people lining up to move in there. i just dont know if i am going to be able to get the loan. it sucks! i love this house in norwood. it is beautiful and i had a dream last night of what it would be like. having my art studio in the garage, doing paintings and wood-workings and then having my photo studio in the basement with a darkroom...such big dreams.
i just dont know what i want to do...where i want to go...who will ever want to be with me...life is so complicated...i just think it should be more simple.
das est todos..
chrissi alice