Is it over yet?

I have not sat down and wrote a blog in a while and I felt like I was due. i am not really sure where to begin though. I have all these lists going through my head of things to do...mail taxes, fill out QUT application, go to bed...then the list for tomorrow...oh dear! When will it be over?
I chuckle because I have been without a job for nearly 3 months and still I fill up my day with so much stuff. Granted I am not sure how we would have handled this move if I would have had to work 40 hours a week. I have been quite the suzy homemaker...its not too shabby, but people SERIOUSLY need to learn to pick up after themselves.
A couple weeks ago, in an effort to help Cheryl, I decided to repaint the kitchen. We were trying to think of ways to make it look larger without a total remodel. There were these boxes above the cabinets that stuck out, served no purpose and I thought without them would make the kitchen appear taller ang bigger...plus give more space to store stuff. After tearing them all down, we realized why they were there in the first place. Apparently the previous owners...pre mom and dad (12 years ago) had a leak in the kitchen. Instead of fixing the leak, they put a metal pot in the attic to catch the water and built a casing above the cabinets. So by the time we took off the casing, the damage was done...and thus a GAPPING hole in the kitchen ceiling.

So I had been frantically trying to find someone to come fix the hole. I finally found someone and he is coming on Tuesday Morning to fix the hole, and some other stuff...this week. Then I have to paint the kitchen BEFORE the countertop guy comes to install the new countertop. SO the simple, painless repaint turned into an almost entire kitchen remodel. Little stressful.
Thursday morning we had the movers come and take away our stuff. Granted all we could really fit was the king sized bed and a couple boxes...minimalists now whether we like it or not!! All last week we also had a plumber come in and redo almost all cheryls plumbing plus some new fixtures and vanity (in exchange for 46" TV). I thought that was a good deal. Friday morning (which felt like Saturday ALL DAY) we finally sold our car to an adorable little couple from Morrow. Friday night we prepared the garage and work room for Moving Sale. Saturday we had moving sale from 8AM-3PM, but really 2PM (when people FINALLY STOPPED coming..it was a good day!). Then i went to accountant to pick up taxes...Is today Monday??? My back is killing me. I am so tired but my super comfy bed is gone and there is nothing that quite compares to it.
Becky let us borrow her car...THANK YOU JESUS, because otherwise I would have driven Nat to Peoria today, and driven back tomorrow so that Cheryl could have her car to get to work. Did I mention that also on top of all these things, I had a HardDrive (only backup to all my pictures, and i mean ALL) totally crash and die, and there is no way I am spending $1500-$4000 to get data recovered, cause I am not sure I have any emotions left to really care =). Dont worry, I have some DVD backups, but I have slacked alot lately...ooops.
So the outlook for the next three weeks
Kitchen will be finished...new walls, new countertops, new beautifulness
Nat will have his last day at Accenture and on plane to Australia
I will know for sure and maybe all this will finally sink in.
Next six weeks
Nat will be gone
I will shoot wedding
I will be on a plane to Australia...
I am sure there is way more than that happening...need to somehow fit in trip to Peoria and Kentucky and see some friends and finish packing stuff to store and get taxes back...OK, so maybe when I get to Australia it will settle down...HAHAAH ya know after I find a place to live, a car to drive, the bus system, a job, possibly school...hahahahahah...2009 is KICKING MY ASS!!

So I am leaving on May 4. April 10 we are having a going away shindig at Hofbrauhaus in Newport...good Friday i know, but there really werent any other dates feasible. We need to schedule a slumber party...so the countdown to my departure has begun....35 days and counting...




I am shocked how seamless everything is falling together.

itchy feet

Or so you would think. I never really did imagine that my life would end up like this, although in my head I always dreamed about it. I have a wonderful husband, that does more than just sit and look pretty and love me...he truly does stretch me to places and to do things that I dreamed about, but could never do on my own. I guess I did find my soulmate. I think that is the definition right?
I think I am going to stop trying to figure myself out. I think that I have a solid idea, then I get thrown all these curve balls. I thought I didnt want to do photography full time, but I have potential for up to 5 weddings this year alone. But most of those probably will fall through (and to no fault of my brides, my fault for not being here). I really have to weigh my options at this point to be here or go and when and how. More on that later.
I thought 2008 was going to be the whirlwind year. In January I thought to myself, this year is going to be crazy, and in ways it was. I went to Egypt, fulfilled a year at PJS, dabbled more into photography and moved to Ohio...one of which definately wasnt planned. 2009 is proving already to beat the shit outta 2008 and its not even March. I have already been to Phoenix, dabbled and had more opps for photography gigs, still "jobless", starting STNA school, applied for Nursing school is US (and abroad), had pretty amazing (in my book) surgery, and now on the verge of possibly moving again...did i mention its NOT EVEN MARCH!!! It really is mind-boggling how my life just unravels. I get this ideal in my head of what life is going to look like, get settled in it a little bit, then BAM! it unravels...not even in a bad way though...good thing that although I am not always thrilled with change, I am not afraid of it to the point that I sit idle. (although I am sure without Nat holding my hand, I would be sitting pretty right here forever!!).
SO the news will come. At some point it will be open knowledge and I will be able to share so much more about what is going on (although some of you I am sure have pieced it together)---but it is still not definate, set in stone, contracted so we need to play it safe and protect what is ours now before we spill the beans and it doesnt work out. i cant imagine how it would NOT work. The waiting is torture. I guess I consider myself a patient person, though some would disagree, I think overall I can hold my own. I am holding out...and it sucks.
When we moved to Cincinnati, we talked about the possiblities on August 18, by Sept 15 we were packing up our house and driving out of town. Everything just fell into place in no time...not alot of waiting or stalls...job ok'd it, found awesome renters, it was amazing. I wonder if all that brought us to this, even without us knowing it. We are in a fabulous position to take this oppurtunity. 6 months ago, this would have been impossible. that is crazy to me.
I guess some people are like that, they can just get up and go, while others are more stable. Stable is not bad...those people are awesome...gives us wild seeds a place to settle for a while. I wish I could give them wings to fly, but maybe they just arent meant to. It takes practice to be risky, and as many times as you do it, it is still the most UNNERVING thing ever. I want to settle down one day. I want to live in the same area for more than a year. I am getting weary of moving and change, but I have had my fill over the last couple years. I just want to catch my breath. I sorta know something about myself though...as much as i think i want to stand and catch my breath, once i took a deep breath and had a chance to look around a bit, i would want to go again. Maybe I am a little harsh on people...but I think its because I want everyone to be like me; with no cares or responsibilities...but even as i get older, I see more and more of that slipping away. Life is meaningless without something to work towards or having purpose. Some peoples purposes are simple to be where they are needed, and others have "itchy feet" and just need to get out and go.
So take this encouragement. Dont try to be anything you are not, but at the same time, dont let anyone keep you (including yourself!) from being who you want to be. You alone are in control of your own happiness and destiny. In the most basic of terms.."fend for yourself"
Thats it
c.ALIce

Life and its Twists

So i havent blogged in a while. I am sure there is much i should share on her, but being i am such a private person, i decide not to. There has been much change in 2009 and possibility of much more. I am not thrilled with the waiting game, but i am trying to stay supportive. I start my STNA course in March. It is a 3 week course that will get me a certification to hopefully get me a job. Nursing pre-reqs start in april at cinci state...so i will most likely definately be here till June (if the decision is yes to go).
I am still trying to take it easy. I am sore when i overdo it, but I am anxious to get back to normal life.
I have been a non-smoker for more than 40 days and the desire to go buy a pack of smokes has been almost unbearable the last couple days. I thought those were supposed to go away!! I have not failed though, so i guess we can see if I have actually accomplished one of my lifelong goals. Only like 1000 more on the list.
I need to study for GRE, but at this point I am procrastinating because I dont know what tomorrow holds..but I should really take advantage of this oppurtunity to be able to study without other distractions.
Body...Soul...Mind...thats what I am working on...
I am thinking about getting back into church. I really should...i have spurts and i need a refresher course in Godliness. I am thinking the vineyard, but have become to lazy to drive that far...maybe monroe vineyard..maybe ill try that tomorrow. Its more about community right?
all well...just thought i would give a mini update.
bye

Its only been a week?!??!?!

I feel like I have wasted away months of my life sitting and doing nothing...and its only been a week. I havent left the house in a week! AN ENTIRE WEEK!! Pathetic! Tomorrow I have a Dr. Appt so that will get me up and at 'em. But nothing else too interesting. I need to dedicate some time to study for GRE and getting my classes set up and ready to go. I have a long list of things to do and I feel like the time is speeding by and I am getting nothing accomplished, but its only been A WEEK!!! it is the weirdest thing really. I just want life to go back to normal a bit.
So I need to figure out when to take a little visit up to Peoria to visit with the in laws. I am a bad relative I think. I am thinking sometime in February or late March. My STNA classes will be 2.5 weeks in March, so maybe before that or shortly after...depending on when the rest of my classes start...I have to figure out who to give my references to...who would like to be my professional reference? anyone?

Test of Will...

The more I am here at the PPA conference, the more I realize that this is not what I want to do as a career. It is like dreaming to be a rockstar. I would be an excellent rockstar, I have all the great qualities, the talent and the equipment, but I would find more delight in singing what I want to.

The Photographers here are very talented. They are smart and personable...they take great pics and more importantly, they have great retouching abilities. I suppose I am one of those people that runs from things. I fear the failure, but I think more than most, I see the reality of it. When I met Nat, I worked through my fears and once I decided on it, I gave it my all. It was something that I wanted, something I knew would make me happy and I wasn't going to settle for anyone else, despite the issues that we have...its worth it. I don't necessary run from challenges, they just have to be the "right" challenges" I don't want to compromise myself for anything.

When I first decided to go to art school I envied all the people that were trained from elementary school to be artists. People that spent all their spare time and effort perfecting their art. They were fantastic at it too. Their images were miraculous and breath-taking. I font want to take pictures because I am forced to, I want to create images that I want to. I loved art school, but it had less to do with photography and more to do with opening my eyes to see the world in a new light. My most favorite project was the self-portrait one...that is what the angel wings on chairs came from...and then the sculpture classes...I enjoyed it so much because it was art...no matter how much you loved it or hated it..it was a true expression of me. I do not have images floating through my head of toddlers in Tu-Tu's...I desire something WAY deeper than that. I want my soul to be exposed...in my own way, and in a way that is complicated and unexplainable. The thing I loved most about art school was that sense of self-expression...of letting out all that I have bottled in. I have art projects in my head...

I admit that I am talented. I can see things most people cant. I can translate images...but to me it has gotten to many rules in it. I have become my own worse critic. I think one day I will wake up and think that i will love it all over again, but then I am at a point in my life where I cant decide if I ever loved it to begin with or if I adopted that idea to be "that person" others thought I should be, rather than who I truly wanted to be.

I go through phases in life. I am definitely in a self-exploration phase. rethinking why i do what i do, why i shied away from things i shied away from. I want my life, my profession to mean something. I don't want to go through the motions.

Even the CONSIDERATION of nursing school scares the shit out of me. taking the GRE and all that studying and hard work. Up to this point in life, I have never really stretched myself. I majored in Photography...seriously, how hard could a fine art degree be? It was cake. It was a safe bet... there was no putting myself out there, no challenge...i chose it because I knew I could do it.

I am discovering all these aspects of myself that i think I may have inherently knew but suppressed because it wasn't what others wanted. As much as i like the freedom to do what I want...freedom does not work well for me. I need structure. I get NOTHING accomplished if it was up to me to do it. I learn better in a class. I have tried to teach myself several different languages and I barely know English. I do just enough to get by, just enough to say i know something special. I know just enough of a lot of things to "get by". I have never accomplished anything that was hard or challenging. I have been "trying" to lose weight since I was in high school. I have failed miserably for 15 years...why? because it is hard...its a challenge and no matter how bad I want it...I keep myself from accomplishing it because I like the safety of not having to deal with it.

There is a change...I am oddly motivated to take the GRE. I am determined to do everything I can to score high and get into nursing school. I have always been fascinated with the human body, but for some reason i didn't take many biology courses. I remember doing a project in college based on the human structure and its intricate and amazing design. It offers stability, it offers structure, it offers significance. Working with souls, being in an every changing community and being in a position to serve. I have always reminisced the best times of my life were times and jobs that "served" people. Although being a servant is a menial job, putting yourself under someone, in a very real way it is the opposite. Being able to provide for someones needs and wants is like being a CEO of P&G. It is a profession of a self-sense of respect...knowing that you became something to someone that most people would never do. Maybe I have a twisted sense...but it makes sense to me. It is a position of power...like allowing someone to go before you in line, it is not because you think they are better and more deserving, but because YOU regard them as significant and by grace you allow them to shine above you. Not because they are all worthy, not because they did anything to deserve, but because you DECIDED it to be. It is the power of God working in someone to serve in that role. It is not natural or self-glorifying to anyone but to the heart of the servant.

I have spent the better part of this week trying to figure out a schedule to get into nursing school, do all the pre-reqs (and pre-reqs to pre-reqs) and contemplating the profound thought of taking a large test that determines my worth. I read a book...Nat almost fainted. it was a good book (the shack) but just the completion of something. I have not read a book cover to cover in almost 10 years (2000)--and NEVER NEVER NEVER in one sitting!

So here is a list of truths I think I have discovered in my life. They may not be etched in stone, but its a start of asking really hard questions and answering them based on ME and my beliefs, my convictions and what I know about me.

1. I am not inclined to artistic ventures, I have a nature for it, but I do not love going to art museums or sitting around drawing or painting. Art for me is for me, and the thought of it suits me just as well as actually doing it.
2. I have no desire to sell myself for profit. If I was actually good at selling Arbonne or MaryKay or Pampered Chef or etc..i think I would do wonders in my life. But right now I don't feel my worth is marketable or have too much of a heart to serve to be able to charge someone for a service!
3. I require stability, consistency and do NOT like change or the unknown.
4. I love to serve. I am the happiest when I am.
5. People enrich my life and give me purpose, not what they offer me, but what I OFFER THEM.
6. My hearts passion is to light up others lives...i delight in making people feel better.
7. My heart yearns for joy and peace...not because life is easy, but because it is meaningful. That joy and peace can only come from above.
8. I do not seek adventure. I play it safe. I do not like the thought of skydiving, riding on a motorcycle, jet-skiing or anything remotely dangerous that gives me the sense of not being in control.
9. I have a very strong will, but I am more strong willed to fail than succeed (that i dont like about myself). I have what it takes to succeed and the ability to change.
10. I strive to be around people, they ignite my senses. I feel numb and worthless when I am alone or by myself for too long. I am a waste of time...people are the drive, motivation and purpose.
11. I am strong.
12. I am more intelligent than I give myself credit.
13. I lose vision when i focus on others (envying them or comparing myself to their success)
14. Love motivates me and gives me strength.
15. I no longer refuse to fail at my goals.
16. I love to learn about things i am passionate about...i desire to dissect and learn every knick and kranny I can.
17. I am compulsive about order and details.
18. I am young enough to change the course of my life. Where I have been has brought me to where i am that leads me to where I need to be.
19. I regret nothing, everything, whether accomplished fully or not has a specific purpose.
20. I am pure, sincere, loyal and compassionate.
21. I am beautiful inside and out, as i am today.
22. I am a secretive person, I do not share alot of things I struggle with because of my fear of failure, or because I innately desire the "shock factor".

That is my list so far. Feel free to add your own intuition, even if it is something you know but cant see.
I think that is all for today. Quite and extensive nugget of my heart...carry it with pride! =)

love you all and am thrilled that you have kept up with the blogging.

CamelBack (breaking) Mountain

So today we went to CamelBack Mountain. Nat was reminishing of how when he came here as a young man, he and a friend would take a run up the mountain, so being that none of us had been there except for Nat, we all agreed to go on a hike up CamelBack Mountain. It took a little while to get there because there were no real signs, and nothing on GPS for "Camelback" (ends up it was called Echo or something like that). We finally got there, parked and excited to go on this little adventure...that didnt last long!
I am sure you have heard stories of Cheryl and I trekking it up Mt. Sinai in the middle of the night (over 4 hour climb). All of us trekking up and down mountains in Isreal, and even the beautiful Petra landscapes of rock and long trails (an ALL DAY exploration...cake compared to CamelBack...
It started off not so bad...long winding trails of dirt and man-made steps. Then we go to the other part! It took us OVER TWO HOURS to get up the mountain...climbing over boulders...man-made steps disappeared and all that was left was STEEP inclines of uneven boulders with the need for tricky maneuvering to overcome. There were actually parts of the "trail" that required use of man-inserted metal bars...because without then you would have absolutely no traction or leverage up the steep and often slick incline. We prevailed! We made it all the way up the mountain...being passed TWICE by a guy that runs up and down the mountain 3-4 times a day 6 days a week for the last 13 years! I conclude that some people are slightly crazy, but THAT is PSYCHOTIC!!
It was beautiful I admit,but I spent 95% of the time looking at the ground. At the top we hung out and took in the beauty then back down the mountain we went. Easier than going up, but taxing nonetheless. I cant imagine how much of a wimp i would've been if I had not been going to the gym 3X a week for the last month! I was pretty much the reason for everyone else to take nice long breathing breaks...for me to catch up! Next time I come here I WILL RUN UP THAT DAMN MOUNTAIN!!!
Words can really do no justice, so I am uploading some pictures taken on the "HIKE" -- or MOUNTAIN CLIMBING adventure...










After our 3+ hour hiking excursion, we went to "heartattack grill" for lunch...after climbing up a mountain half the day, I really didnt want a greasy burger...but nevertheless I was HUNGRY. None of us realized that Heart Attack Grill also covers as a strip joint (not really, but alls well had). You can visit their website (heartattackgrill.com) but this picture pretty much sums it up...

My Man in Black!! Oh SO FINE!!

He does have friends!!! Promise!
In the pic from left to right: Tim Montgomery (lives in Alaska with wife Hannah); unknown; Tom Fulks; Lindsay Fulks (we are visiting them right now in Phoenix, Nat officiated their wedding); my handsome hubby

a couple more from Vogel Wedding

here are some images I retouched from Adam and Andreas wedding. (if they are reading this...you should get your disk by early next week).

Beautiful People...

The ifs and whens of life....

So I have finally decided on this to be my logo (its supposed to be aquablue, but for some reason it is coming up green, but i like it)...and if you dont like it...all well. I have already designed business cards as well. I think its fun to dabble in it and have a brand and some side work, but I have been considering a different career path. I have been really soul-searching and coming to terms with who I am opposed to who I try to be. Its a progress, but I think I am coming to terms with it...and taking it one step at a time.

This year will definately prove to be a year of major changes..starting as early as the month of January. I fear that the year will fly by, it will be challenging and rewarding but I think I am up for the adventure of it all.

I just ask that you keep me in your prayers. I will not elaborate on the details, but pray for sanity, self-control, safety, courage, thirst, ability to retain, and whatever else the Lord leads on your heart.

Thats all for now...I am off to Phoenix, where I am SURE I will have time to sit and blog a bit...I have been doing a lot of soul searching, and there is much to share...if i choose to be transparent.

c.ALIce

I thought....

I was going to write a blog, but frankly i dont feel like being transparent.

My Love

Here is my love in a boulder field in Pennsylvania.

i love thanksgiving

turkey stuffing gravy...more than once a week!!! Life is good.

without embellishment

control....

So since i have been back to Ohio, I cant decide if i am mad because my life got turned upside down or because my plans had to accommodate. There is really no reason to be mad, I am surrounded by friends and family that support me and want the best for me. Carol is definately the most hard-pressing on the issue, she basically wants to carry the photography business so I will stop stalling on it.
I went a couple weeks ago to a wedding with a photographer in Cincinnati. I thought it was fun, sorta. 10 hour wedding days are long and ridiculous...and boring. It was fun to look through my camera and see the image...i even considered for a split second to change up all my equipment from nikon to canon to accommodate a need to fit in(or have axcess to others equipment that may or may not share). I could not bring myself to do it.
1. I know Nikon, I can get inside the and change settings like no tomorrow and i have a fairly good idea what it will do.
2. Carol said something that stuck, and as snobbish as it may sound...Canons are for amatuers...that is totally wrong and uncalled for because there are SO many excellent photographers that use canon...but I like to have an elitest prespective. Maybe one day I will switch, but now, I think ill stick to what i have.

So i figured something out about me this week. Well a few things.
I can't except people to knock down my door with oppurtunities unless i put myself out there.
I found that I am talented, but living a lie.
I found that life will never work how you want it to.
i found that I am way more concerned with success than what may be right.

I get hurt when my friends dont consider me as asset. I have a four-year degree in photography...why would ANYONE else take your pictures? Probably because I bitch and moan and dont make myself available. I am scared to death I will screw it all up or not measure up...then in retrospect i see how much better i am. I think as a photographer you have to be somewhat cocky...I have not been so cocky lately and it has cost me experience. I need to take more pictures, I need to get past this stupid "unqualified" feeling.

I am talented damnit! After seeing some in action, I realized that "its not that hard". I am making a mountain out of a molehill. People appreciate good pictures, I know I can take them....I just need more so they can be properly convinced. the more is hard...i feel like i dont have a lot of time.

Plans change. 3 months ago we were in Peoria, planning how to finish decorating our house, what new project to conquer and conscienciously trying to get pregnant. Why not? We are married, we have a house, steady jobs and its the natural progression of life. We are not 21 anymore, if we want to have the ability to run and play, we should probably have them soon...and that plural so we need time to have, adjust, have adjust...then we move. Bad decision? nah. Hard decision? nah. tough on pre-planned events. yeah. I like being here, I think its best for me and him and our future, but its hard starting over. I was comfortable, life was predictable, i was growing...My plans got ruffled. I live with my sister...which is fine, but not the ideal situation for babies...its already crowded, we cant buy house till we sell the other one, which may be 10 months or 10 years...we havent really even decided if we will stay in Cincinnati once renters move out and we find it difficult to maintain mortgage with living here. its complicated...too much thinking.

Finally, I am a success junkie I think. so i have this job where i have a business that i run for someone else. it pays the bills, and its sorta like working for a corporate society without actually working there. It has its perks. I dont feel super qualified for what I am doing, it is a huge learning curve and requires organization and etiquette...neither of which i have a gold-star in. It will potentially be something incredible...one day...In the meantime I am dealing with the fact its not my dream. I am living out someone else's mighty plans. Its ok though, I get my share, but its still hard...I would rather be doing something for me...something i put off maybe for the rest of my life. I really love photography, but do i want it as a career to get burnt out and hate it? maybe its more to do with the passion of doing it, then doing it full time..
So Nat and I have been attempted to get pregnant for nearly 8 months. Hell, I got it down to the day and calculated the cycle for optimum potential. sad i know...i dont want to have a baby right now. i dont feel like we are in a place in life prepared for it, i think there are other issues we need to figure out...i am not ready to live my life into the hands of mini-me...i need more vacations first! i know how it changes life...i am dumb enough to think it wont -- but it will. I dont want the responsibiblity and i dont see how it fits right now because I havent figured me out yet. despite all that, i want to get pregnant...because i am a success junkie. I want to know that it is possible. i want to know that I can be good at it or something. I like the idea more for the special treatment aspect than the baby aspect. Nat doesnt seem to concerned about not having kids right this second. i know the grandparents are anxious...I just want to know what its like, know that it can happen, and then go on with my life. Now dont go getting all hot and bothered if you find out tomorrow or next month that we have been sucessful in concieving, its meant to be...i just dont have any control over it.

I think that will do for today...happy reading!
Mrs. P

ITS MY PARTY!!!

SAVE THE DATE!!!

When: November 8, 2008

Where: Cheryl's House in Monroe

Why: Chrissi's 30th Birthday Party!

What: Fun, Games, Food, Wii...did I mention FUN!

Who: YOU!

aarrrr

i am just plain angry...i am angry in my soul...like an unsettling frustration that wont go away. I should be happy to be home. I should cherish each moment of life that I get to spend with my family and friends. for some reason i am just bitter. it feels like some sort of vengeance that feels justified, but has no purpose. it comes out of nowhere...i can be perfectly content and within seconds i am just overwhelmed, tired and bitchy. I think there are pills for this sort of imbalance. It is not fair to take it out on people i love...but maybe in some twisted thought I feel like they are the ones that caused it.
i think i am jealous of others lives...people that have their dreams come true, or my dreams come true in their lives. It seems like it takes no effort at all--that life just throws out the red carpet for certain people. I am lost in life. it feels like coming in from a bright sunny day into the house and it is so bright that you stumble around to find steady ground and all you see is nothingness. its that standing still, knowing that soon your eyes will adjust, but the wait is frustrating....
there is my life...in reality....then there is my life is theory. i had it all figured out. i knew where i was, who i was with and where i was going...now i am just lost. and being lost make me angry.

vacation

it feels like some sort of weird vacation. Like I am in some kind of dream. I enjoy being home. I like having my family close--and my friends. The funny thing is that I barely see either set. Nat and I both work from home...him with Accenture and me with my new business. Its exhausting. I really dont mind working from home though. I actually have trained myself enough to get a little bit done during work hours, and not feel like i have to work 24/7. It is sorta a break period right now... i am learning alot of my duties that I havent quite done yet. I am glad to not be designing. I really did not like it. PJS wasnt that bad because it was so easy and I was basically just a clip-art queen. I am much more comfortable with photography.
I went back to Peoria a couple weeks ago to do some photo shoots with a couple of my girlfriends. i realize that i am somewhat unprepared when it comes to doing "natural lighting" with certain backdrops. I would much rather have full control...and there is a way to have a pretty good setup that doesnt require hauling an entire studio lighting set...it is just getting to the point where I can afford to buy it all. One day!
I think that Nat enjoys being here. He doesnt complain about anything...which is unlike him anyway. Its weird, for as much time as we spend in the same house together...i still feel like i never see him.
We are driving to Pennsylvania this weekend to hopefully say his last goodbyes to his grandpa (moms dad) before he passes on. Nat hasnt seen him in 15 years. Its a big step for him to actually go, but I think it is definately more for his mom than himself. I went to a funeral last weekend for my uncle Clyde...he died of almheizers. That disease sucks. So if grandpa meckes dies, that makes 2....and they come in threes -- so I wonder who is next...i TRULY hope not Grandpa Harlan...i would be very sad...=( although i dont know him well or have spent extreme amounts of time with him...i know i am one of his favorites (cause everyone is his favorite..but i like tha personalization aspect). He is really the closest I have had to what i would've had as a grandparent if they werent too old and preoccupied to care about me.
i would really like a monthly girls night. We will have to figure out a consistent day that works well for most people most of the time...like first saturday of the month...i think that will really help to not feel so lost sometimes with everyone...and disconnected. And honestly I need a break from being in this house all the time and who better than with my girlfriends!
well i have a list a mile long and the pillow is calling my name!

love you all
chrissi

My Girls (well some of them)

Looky Looky what I found....

Final day

So it is my final day here at Peoria Journal Star and I will be SO GLAD when this last hour has finally past. On Monday I had a mammagram done (necessary for a surgery I am considering), and tomorrow I go back for them to check a couple spots, basically the squeezing didnt squeeze enough and they are just double checking to make sure everything is ok. It isnt even phasing me, its pointless to cause I cant do anything to change it if it was something more serious. I need to check on my health insurance and make sure that I can switch to doctors in Ohio. its weird because Nat is technically working in Illinois. Accenture, his company, is very supportive of his move and even trying to get him a job based in Cincinnati. There was one posted at P&G but I am not sure what it is for.
Tomorrow I am taking off work, so today is technically my last day. I am so tired and wore out that I may need to sleep in for a LONG time once we get to Cincinnati. This move has been such an emotional rollercoaster and I am wore out from all the stress and work and worry. I will be so glad when at least the moving part is over...then there is finding a job..and settling in--then eventually having to move again...but at least its a year out (at least).
My wrist have been killing me today. They are burning and hot...I think I have the beginning onsets of carpal tunnel...or some kind of wrist problem. it sucks...cause i will have to work on a computer the rest of my life...and its only going to get worse. I need one of those keyboards like Nat has...origami or something =)
I dropped my car off this morning to the dealer to get some maintanence done so I had to get a shuttle to drop me off at work...i really hope that they get here by 4:30 so I can leave asap. I am supposed to go to Pumpkin Festival tonight to see Sandy for the last time (till I return) and also need to wash the dogs, finish up some last minute packing up and figure out where we are going to sleep on Friday night (because the mattress will be in the uhaul)...
I have been so bored at work for the last couple weeks that it has made this process DRAG on even more...if feels like its been MONTHS and its only been DAYS...
I went back to OB dr on tuesday to check my ovaries again (remember I had busted cyst a month of so ago--it is still bothering me, but the pain has migrated a little north). They did the transvaginal sonogram and she said everything looked fine and the doctor is supposed to call me with more details results....i heard nothing yet....ugh
28 minutes!!! its TORTURE!!!!
all well...everything is cleaned out and I am ready to get outta here.
I need to make a Margaritas Date with kati bird...that is definately something I am looking forward to.

oh funny thing...
Nat and I move on Saturday, Sunday we unpack, Monday he sets up his office and tues, wed and thurs nights the CARDINALS are playing CINCINNATI....i have a HAPPY HUSBAND....cause now instead of driving 3 hours to see them play, he only has to drive 30 minutes....although I am sure we can manage one STL trip in there (jsut as long as they ARE NOT playing the reds!)

15 minutes!!! COME ON ALREADY!!!

well i will see you all in a couple days!!! come help on sunday..1pm (after church) we will order pizza and have some lifting fun!! Please....

=) love you all!
Mrs.P

waiting....SUCKS!

So we made a decision to move, in less than a week we had all the kinks ironed out...now is the waiting..it sucks. I do not want to work anymore, because my head is somewhere TOTALLY and definately NOT HERE! I am tired..I am stressed out...and yesterday I thought we had SO much to do, but in fact, we are really ahead of schedule. That makes the waiting even more difficult. We could seriously move this weekend if we had the truck to move it. We have everything packed, and if its not packed, its because we are still using it. It wont take long to load and leave....get a couple boys over there and we are good to go....and yet we still have to wait....and being tired doesnt help!
less than two weeks...10 days actually...its unbelievable.
and i am tired!

Its Official!!!

So we are officially moving to Cincinnati. We need to be out of our house by the 15th...of september!! So we will be packing and getting a u-haul and be moved into cheryl's house by then. My last day here at the Journal Star is September 12th. We will be renting out the house to a couple for a year that is building a new house in the spring, but sold their old house. So that is awesome for us because we have someone pay our mortgage so we can move, and when we sell next year we wont have to worry about the capital gain and will have way more equity in it to invest into new house. I am seriously dumbfounded about how seamless and quick this has been. We decided LESS than 2 weeks ago. It is a slight burden off my shoulders, but it will be alot better once I get to there and can settle in a bit.
As far as my job, I am thinking I will probably go in and talk to Mesh and give them my application and start there October 1. I dont anticipate having an issue, plus I know there is money to be made, especially during the holidays. I also talked to the photographer here in Peoria and he is going to give me some mentoring to help me get started there--and maybe we can come up with some other arrangements for me to do some weddings on the side...most likely the more long-distance ones...who knows! I am pretty flexible right now and I life like that. It will be interesting to see if I like serving again, or if i would prefer the more 9-5 gig (although now I dont care so much for it). It will also test my marriage because Nat will be working days, and me nights and weekends (most likely) and I will have to sacrifice some quality time with him till i figure some things out. But as long as I am bringing in some money, I dont think he will mind.
I am very excited to see everyone this weekend. Especially Abbi, since I havent seen her in over 2 years...girl! that is way too long! I think Abbi really needs some friend love!
Of course Nats family is very shocked and scared and disappointed. But I seriously agree with Nat that this is a good move for us in a lot of ways. We will have to live with Cheryl for more than a year, but we will see how that pans out. It will take some adjusting, but I think it will be awesome! nat has plans for remodeling, etc..
Thats all i know for now....and I am still trying to adjust and get things done...it is going to be a BUSY, STRESSFUl couple weeks!!

love you all
Mrs. P

my hubby loves me

nat sent this to me a while back and i printed it out, hung it on my wall and it is also my desktop image...apparently it really meant a lot!! he may not do things like this very often, but when he does...he does it PERFECT!


nat sent this to me a while back and i printed it out, hung it on my wall and it is also my desktop image...apparently it really meant a lot!! he may not do things like this very often, but when he does...he does it PERFECT!

aww memories....

what you have all been waiting for.....

It all started on sunday on the ride home. I did not say anything to prompt the conversation, somehow it just happened. We talked about it thoroughly and Nat had pretty much already made up his mind. On Monday, Nat searched around and made initiative to talk to several people, on Tuesday he talked to his boss at work about figuring out how it would work, and basically because they love him, everything was approved DEFINATELY by thursday.

Basically Nat and I have decided to move to Cincinnati.

Nat will keep his current job for now and just work from home (whereever that may be, whether in Peoria or Cincinnati). He can start doing that as early as September 1. He is so excited about it, and so am i. He is eager for the change and expecting the best. Apparently he saw while we were there over the weekend that I seemed like a different person, his word was "lively" and he likes me like that. He finally met someone that was in his field that could help him navigate the job market (although he will be staying at his current job, it will help in the long run). I think he finally could see himself there, not just for me, but for him.

We both agree that now is the time to move and this is the best scenerio. There is no rush to find a new job and move (for him), he can stay here until everything is a green light here. He doesn't have to start a new job and rush into moving and being stressed about starting fresh, but will continue doing what he loves and since he will be working from home, we dont have to try to figure out how to get him a more reliable vehicle. We will move in with Cheryl for the time being and he has plans to help her renovate her house (we will see...).

I, of course, will have to find a new job, and i am debating on what i really want to do. Get back into a 9-5 career or branch out and start the business. I had a meeting with a photographer here in Peoria yesterday as we discussed my future in his company, I am hoping to still have a chance to work with him, just to build up my confidence and skill level before/if I decide to go out on my own. That is really the part that is bittersweet. I have this amazing oppurtunity in front of me to get into my field and to grow in my experience and abililties. It sorta sucks to have to not take it as fully as i thought, but still hoping that I can get enough life lessons under my belt and a friend co-photographer to help me get started when I get to Cincinnati (so I can drag Cheryl and Cindy around as my second cameras!). We will have to see how that goes. I am excited however to get out of my current job, as much as a cake job it is...its not fulfilling or challenging anymore. I am OF COURSE THRILLED to be coming home to my family and friends and rejoining in our life journey. I am so excited for you all to really get to know Nat and love him (if only because he loves me!! cant you see how much now!???!?!) I think I will be more comfortable and less terrified of starting to build our family and have kids, knowing I have such an incredible support system in driving distance! There are so many pros to this scenario, the timing, the way it all came about. And as excited as I am, I think Nat is MORE excited!

It has been an overwhelming week...thinking about, waiting for definate answers, trying to keep my head level and stay in reality, but everything has fallen into place seamlessly and without a hitch. But it is only the first step. The biggest dilemna we have is selling the house. We still need to do some final retouching and finish work. I need to clean it really good and take pictures to post. We need to find out about the capital gain crap and decide if we want to sell or rent it out. Although the move seems to be inevitable, the when aspect is all contingent on selling the house. So in that area is where we need the prayers...that someone will come along as they did in Tremont and sell it quickly and for what we need to get out of it.

As soon as we sell the house, the sooner we will be there. If it takes a year to sell, it will be a year...and I am not sure I can really wait that long. I am surprizingly very grounded even though it could take that long, I am of course in much anticipation, but seeing how it has been up to this point, I have no doubt that it is what we are supposed to do and everything else will fall into place as well.

We have already told Ken and Vanessa but will be telling Hope and Steve tonight. I am not sure how she will take it. Ken and Vanessa are quasi-supportive, of course they dont want to see us go. I know it will break Hopes heart because she so wants to be around her kids. I really do believe that this is the best thing for both of us, Nat and me. I will be excited to see how we grow as a couple and become more in love through this. We have already been through so much, I seriously doubt anything will weaken us at this point, but only make us stronger and better!

So there is the news. it is exciting , scary, fantastic and adventerous and although it is pretty much definate, it is still contingent on selling the house....so dust off your prayers and get to it!

LOVE YOU ALL!!! SEE YOU (more often) VERY SOON!!
Mrs. P

Don't get TOO excited ....YET

So it has been killing me to try to keep from writing this post until everything was settled and a firm decision was made. My husband is wonderful!
There are still alot of loopholes, and delays to look forward to, but up to this point things have been running very smoothly. Just keep the prayer lines open because it has worked wonders up to this point.

I thought i was going to write this blog with the sharing of our news, but I am tired and I think I will wait for tomorrow! hahahah
So you will just have to wait...but trust me...you will LOVE IT!!

just the best of the best....

it can only get better!!!

I AM SO EXCITED! I JUST CANT HIDE IT! I AM GOING TO LOSE CONTROL AND I THINK I LIKE IT!!!

one thing down, several more roadbumps to go....

did i mention how FABULOUS my husband is?

bittersweet

So i have a tough situation that I am going through. I need all the prayers you can muster up. I am someone that is pretty good with change, but that doesnt necessarily make it easy. I think the next couple months will be scary and sad and exciting and adventerous! I am finally going to start venturing into a new (yet old) profession. I will take on the experience with excitement and a little bittersweetness. It is something that i have longed to do for quite a while and now I finally get to try my hand at it, but I know it will be short-lived. But regardless what the future holds, I have to take this moment and learn and grow in it....because ultimately it will make me stronger person, and give me experience that will make me better in my chosen profession. TImes are tough...my company (the cake job) is basically going bankrupt -- and currently it doesnt scare me, cause frankly I dont think i will be there long enough to see it. Change is always scary..you come to a place that you have to start over and rebuild from almost scratch, then it always seems like when you finally have your feet knee-deep in the gunk..something happens and you get ripped out and have to start over all over again. Starting over isnt always bad, sometimes it is exactly what you want, takes you exactly where you want to be...but still isnt easy to do. Sometimes i feel like it would be easier to go back to high school and have no worries and not have to make big lofty life-changing decisions...but as i said..change isnt always bad, and honestly it rarely ever is. i am lucky to have such a wonderful, loving, supportive husband. My heart truly desires that you there could see him as i see him...see how much he loves and adores me and basically do anything in his power to make me happy. my heart is thrilled to have someone in my life that can see me--know me--and still love me despite myself.
Life is heart-breaking sometimes. People come in and out of your life for reasons you can only see in hinds sight. I have been lucky to keep most of those amazing people fairly close by. I am thankful for those friends that tell me how it is or how they think they see it because they love me and want the best for me. it is much harder to be on the other end of that spectrum...not knowing how to react, not knowing what to say --and having no control over making the pain go away. It breaks my heart to see people hurting...and it sucks even more when there is nothing I can do to make it better. I guess that is a ting of peace-maker in me.
I am asking that you pray..because if I believe in anything, it is the power of prayer. I want you to pray that everything will fall into place. That this new transition will be seamless and leave no doubt of it being the correct path. I want you to pray that I have wisdom in my decisions and that i could have the words to help and heal. Pray that the doors will open wide, that no one gets hurt in the process and that I could regain some sort of vision for my life, my purpose, my career, my love, and that I will truly find something that makes me happy.
I know I am talking in circles...but you can trust me.....

i am here....

So i really wanted to write on thursday last week, but in order to get friday off i had to make sure all my work was done...and the work just never stopped coming in...so sorry to that one person that stayed up all night with her insomnia and blamed me for it!

I really have a LOT on my mind today. There has been alot of things that have happened, with family and friends and even decisions that need to be made. I am not sure what is going to happen...and frankly i am scared, uneasy and excited! This weekend has been a whirlwind of emotional uneasiness, hopeful thoughts and just not having words to say, knowing what to do or having sound and wise advice to give.

Its funny that life gets to a point that you climb above the pile of chaos and for a glimpse can see the horizon and stand on top with the wind in your hair...then all of a sudden, out of no where, with no warning, you loose your footing and end up on your back looking back up the towering pile of chaos..wondering to yourself if you will ever regain the strength to climb up it again...but i remember the view on top...surreal!

We really have a habit on our group of friends to share thoughts and feeling with metaphors that people may or may not understand. I find it humorous.

I must say that the game was AWESOME!!! It was so nice to hang out with a group of people that you can truly be yourself around and talk to and just be with. I really do miss it. I know it wouldnt be like it is when i come for the weekend if I would ever move back...but there is just something about being close enough to people that you care about. I truly do have the most amazing people in my life. There is just not enough time in a weekend to feel like I have had quality time with everyone...most of the time on my ride home I think about who i may have not talked to enough..or wishing I had more time.

I am feeling more grounded here in Peoria. I have one good friend and some open door oppurtunities that have get to flourish. My job is cake and I enjoy it---i am basically a clip art queen....but i am good at what I do, which gives me some satisfaction. I am pretty content. I think I have learned to not hold on so tightly to my comfort zone and let it go. For the first couple years I was so focused on what I was missing out on in Cincinnati and waiting to get out of here that I didnt try as hard as i could have. I really feel like I have stepped out and made an effort here....and I am really proud of myself. Now I feel like I can conquer the world no matter where I am.

(this is for sarah craynon) I have liked chocolate most of my life. Chocolate has been really good, but there was a point where chocolate just wasnt enough anymore. I really want to try something different, so I sampled some dark chocolate, and that is nasty, and white chocolate is ok, but nothing quite compares to milk chocolate. Then someone introduced me to caramel...and I fell in love with it. it was so creamy and delicious. I wanted to eat caramel all the time and I really thought I had passed over the chocolate addiction until once in a while i wanted chocolate. Then I thought, what if I can mix chocolate with caramel, that would be the ultimate satisfaction! It would work in theory, but I didnt have the resources to make that happen. So I continued to really grow to love and adore caramel alone, and made it a point to eat chocolate as much as i could. Now, although I really love chocolate, I tend to eat more and more caramel, and honestly I dont mind it...it is tasting almost as good as chocolate. Chocolate will always have a place in my heart, and if I could put caramel and chocolate together, I would be a happy happy girl...even though I like them just the same seperately. But I see a glimpse in the future, and a promising hope that my desire will come -- and if everything works out then chocolate and caramel can always be together....I can have the best of both worlds!! so maybe, just maybe, one day it will happen! (hahahhahahaha -- love your metaphors, had to play along!)

thats it for now...i need to get some work done...
Mrs. P

i will i promise

I am SO in the mood to blog today, and i need to and i will....just give me a minute! I am actually kind of busy at work...shocking i know!

UPDATE REDS/CARDINALS GAME

Two weeks until the game!!! and I am still waiting on some money and PEOPLE...(see below).

Below is again the CONFIRMED LIST:

1. Chrissi Pflederer
2. Nat Pflederer
3. Amber Tillison
4. Phil Tillison
5. Cheryl Bond
6. Cindy Tucker
7. Sarah Nunery
8. Ben Nunery
9. Becky Palmieri
10. James Palmieri
11. Sarah Craynon
12. Rachel (Sarah Nunery)
13. Stephanie (Cindy Tucker)
14. Emma Gibbons
15. John "Gibbons"
16. Carol Bond
17. Kaitlyn Palmieri
18. Jimi Bird
19. Katie Bird
20.Sarah Ralston
21. Trevor--hahahah I mean, TRAVIS (Sarah Ralston)
22. Kaitlyn Palmieri Friend
23.
24.
25.

PAID

I have three tickets available if you know of ANYONE that wants to come...

Thanks

say something

ugh! i know you have something to say about it....so SAY SOMETHING...am I hard to talk to?

i must be the most difficult person to be friends with...

I am sitting here and cant even think of what to write about. I have plenty on my mind, but it all seems so redundant...like i have gone over it a thousand times. As I said earlier, I am quite introspective. It is sometimes pretty irritating. I am thinking about myself and where I want to be and what I want to do. I dont like to wait for other people to take action or stop my life so that they can live theirs. I want to get on with my life. I am SICK of waiting...makes me comotose.
Nothing interesting happens in my life.
I like to have a plan. A weekly plan, a 5 year plan, a 10 year plan....I like each and every minute of my day packed full with SOMETHING--otherwise i am bored. I think i need counseling! I am a dabbler. I never fully commit to one thing or another, I dabble in everything. I like the variety of having different interests, maybe I am ADD. It is good and bad...one bad is that I am not an expert at anything, the good is that I have a little taste of everything.
Does everything just click one day? Will it all make sense? Will we wake up with a sense of adventure, purpose, destiny and be utterly fulfilled? God I hope one day it just happens.
What to do? What can I do to remedy my issues? I can go to a shrink that will reinerate the things I know I need to do. I have a problem with ultimate extremes. I am an all or nothing person in most regards. It is hard for me to find the balance...i need more balance.
I think I need a mini-trip. last weekend was nice, but not nearly enough...i want to be around my girls....although introspective, i want to be in the company of people that love me. To delve into deep and spiritual conversations...to feel connected to something.
I will ground myself one way or another...somewhere. Sandy is trying to convince me to join Junior League. Its like a service sorority. It may be a good way to find new friends and get involved in the community. I am going to church on Sunday by God, its been too long coming, and I ache for it so I figure now is a good time...rather go when I want, then when I dont.
Sandy and I are good friends. I love her. We have a lot in common. We get together and talk about our lives, encourage a healthy direction in life and laugh at each other. She is my God-send...my sanity...if it wasnt for her, I would be CRAZY.
I dont consider myself much of a talker. I dont talk to hear myself or talk about stupid crap and gossip just to have something to say. But I enjoy conversation. I wish I knew how to do it better. Maybe I should go to a socializing class. I was thinking about how I am with clients on a shoot. I have nothing interesting to say to spark conversation or put them at ease...it is nerve-wracking to be in silence sometimes. I think I need practice. I have been silent and in the shadows for so long, that I just need some major practice. If you think about my life and what I do, I dont have much oppurtunity to talk to people, not chat, but really talk. Sandy filled that void to a certain extent, but I cant rely on her for everything.
I was chatting with mom a couple weeks ago and she was reflecting on how I have certain people for certain aspects of my life. People that know me deeply in one way or another, but dont know each other, or other aspects. So no one person knows everything about me, but put them all in the same room, they might not know they are all talking about the same person. I like it...so I have Sandy, my married friend that can relate to me on a husband level, and a slight spiritual level (havent went into that much)...and Moni I guess is my crazy party friend...yeah i have more spots open...i think I will need to invest into more friends.
People should stop having low self-worth, it is irritating sometimes.
Am i saying anything worthy? interesting or anything? hell, I am not even funny right now....i am semi-comotose. Only a couple more hours to go before I get to leave. I really hope that I always get paid weekly...cause it really is the only thing that gets me through the week.

c.ALIce

bad blogger....those that leave no comment!

i am bored again! what is it about friday afternoons and utter boredom?? I am introspective lately...guess its time again to change. I decided to come play next weekend. I am not sure what time I will be there, it most likely wont be till 10 or 11 (hope you are not all wiped out by then). I am hoping that SOMEHOW I will get some blue ice cream while I am there...anyone have any ideas? Who all is coming to this Slumber Party? Do I need to bring anything?
I am trying to pay down debt. I have one credit card that I plan to pay off this year (and there are many more to follow)...it gets really frustrating, I just want them to not exist. My plan was to get out of debt totally (at least credit cards) before the thought of having a baby, but honestly I want to have kids now. I am turning 30 this year, and honestly I dont want to have kids when I am in my 40s---i want all my babies before I am 35. I have no control over it, which is really frustrating. I dont even know if it is possible for me (or Nat) to even concieve. Lots of talks about babies lately...but obviously its on the brain.
I am bored -- i want something to challenge, entertain, consume me and give my life some glimpse of purpose. Being raised Baptist really does a number on your value sometimes...those that were will understand.
I think I am on the verge of extreme behavior. Right now I am so fed-up and disgusted that I am about to take matters into my own hands to get things done. It wont be pretty, but actually in my opinion it will!! =)

the weekend

Thanks to all those that paid for tickets so far....much appreciated!
this weekend we went to mom's house for fourth of july. the entire family ends up coming and mom with her 11 brothers and sisters, and their kids, and their kids kids and their kids kids kids....yes...four generations of family...i would say there was at least 200 people there if not more. I will post some pictures when I get them off my camera. It is a long ass drive to get there. Nearly 9 hours. I drive down there and Nat drove back. If it wasnt for the long drive, it would be a much better weekend, but I suppose once a year isnt so bad. The weekend is exhausting because of the sleeping arrangements. Its hard to sleep in another bed other than my own, and unsettled dogs dont mix either...although this weekend they were all pretty well behaved. The girls were not allowed to run the hills this time...which minimized the stress of worrying about them all the time. I was hoping that I wouldn't start, but now at least I know for sure I am not pregnant. all well....as Nat says "it will be when its meant to"... Life right now seems all jumbled up. I want to be pregnant and have babies and move on with the next step of life, then I dont, not for sure where life will take me and scared of being tied down with babies. Apparently its not time yet....otherwise I would be. Being in constant preparation of it is somewhat irritating as well. Life has to change when you are pregnant, and never really knowing when you are or arent (except for now i know i am not)---but that only lasts a short while, then its hoping and stressing till i get disappointed/relieved again.
It is scary...no one can tell you its not....and you need a certain amount of planning....but not too much cause then it will never happen. I just am at this crossroads, and feeling more like I am on a tetter-tooter than solid ground. I think too much. I figure I am going to make the most of my life while I still have it!

Work is a little better. Changed my perspective a little bit and became a little more thankful that I have a nice career job that allows me to do something I like to do. Its not perfect, but it is where I am right now. I dont literally jump out of bed with glee and songs, but it pays the bills so we can have a better life in the long run.

Nat is always wonderful...he is nearly perfect in everyway, and I am still working on my thoughts. I think I am just in a rut right now feeling like I never get to spend any quality time with him that is not work. not that i necessarily mind work, but i feel like we need to sorta reconnect, and I am not sure how to do that right now. So I am thinking that I stop thinking for a bit and take some of the stress off it. He just gets the brunt of everything cause when i am stressed or disappointment or depression, and then i feel guilty for giving him the brunt then the guilt and that stress wears me out so that I dont want to even deal with it....its a vicious cycle.

Ulitmately I decide how to live my life. No one is making me miserable, I am just not allowing myself to be happy.

Hump Day

I am so freaking excited!! I am leaving tomorrow to go to Kentucky for the weekend. I need a vacation from all this drama in life. I think the stress is making me so tired. Last night I got home directly after work, grabbed a bite to eat and was in bed by 6pm. Granted I was restless so I didnt get to sleep till 8pm, but even though my mind was going a million miles a minute, my body would not move. Today I decided to take a full day tomorrow rather than a half day tomorrow. I have been so bored this week that I figure it would be a waste of time to come in for 4 hours --- I have a list of things I could be doing instead. Maybe we could even leave tonight, but I doubt it. We have an MUCH NEEDED oil change scheduled for tomorrow at 12:30pm. I am sure we can go to some jiffy lube place though if we really wanted to leave.
Today we have our monthly ad contest. I won last month (May), and then won again for the month of June. So basically I dont have to take any vacation time to have tomorrow off....its FREE! That makes me feel even better. Little boost of self confidence just for winning.
I wrote another email to what's her name...I just dont understand why its so difficult. I am trying not to think about it. It really is frustrating.
So I am working on the menu for Sid's new restaurant. I think it will be fun! Little extra money on the side. I am also doing fairly well with my other project. I made a little money with it, nothing too extravagant, but more than I had! I figured I would let it sit in the bank till I decide what I was going to use it for.
I am pretty peaceful today. I think I really need to sleep all day yesterday. I also have something to look forward to for the weekend. I want to get back into church. I really think that may be my missing link. I have always known that. I even know which one I want to go to. I just have to remember that no one will be like Dave Workman, and that no church is perfect. I have to change my mindset a bit. It is about getting back into communion with God, thats what I really want...and creating a community that I can grow up with.

I am to blame

I take these issues and frustrations in one area of my life and put them on the other areas. I am putting all the blame on me. I feel like I create all the issues. I carry the burden of being in a frustrating marriage because I make things bigger than they are. I find all the issues. I was trying to write a letter today, in hopes that I could clarify how I really feel about it. And each time I tried to blame him for something he doesnt do, I realize that he does it, just in a different way. I am overly and abundantly blessed. I have a man that I love that truly adores me. No, he doesnt prove it to me every second of everyday, but I know he ultimately wants me/us to be happy. He is not intentionally sabotaging anything--that is all me. We have a very good marriage, not perfect by any means, but it is very good. I can focus in on all those issues and potentially find how each and every one of them stems from my issues and insecurities. Do I just not want to be happy? I have a steady job that is a means to an end. It is not perfect by any means either, but its rewarding in its own way. It is not a taxing job, it is not hard. I feel valued, even though I am low on the totum pole, i know that they would rather have me design something over someone else. I can't put my finger on why I am so discontent here. I dont plan on being here forever. Its just one step closer to where I potentially want to be, which I have yet really to figure out. I should be more thankful that I have a job that is there, that I make decent money at and is easy. I could challenge myself here if I so chose to. I could use all my down time to better myself and my skills. I think the core of my discontentment is that I am not happy with the person I am. I look in the mirror and dont see anything special. I dont see that incredible woman I know I could be. I see failure, disappointment, lazy and unmotivated. I feel unfulfilled because I am not living an overall fulfilling life....yes I have love, money (well enough--but there is never enough), a good job....but I dont have personal triumphs or a sense of personal accomplishment. I hold myself back from my own grandeur. I get so tired and overwhelmed with daily mundaneness that I forget I have dreams. I forget that I am better than I am. I forget that I have been through alot. I live in the past. I need to decide, commit and conquer those things in my life that pick away at my joy. Where did my joy go? Where did it come from in the first place? When was I truly my happiest? Why was I so happy? I blame myself for not being happy, cause I turn away from those things I dont want to face to develop new and more interesting problems. I try to sabatage myself by knit-picking the good parts of my life until that are not good anymore.
I could invest my life more and step out more. I dont want to do it alone. If i wanted to do it alone, I would have stayed single. I want my husband and I to share our lives...sometimes I feel like we just share space. He is not perfect (damn close, but not). I could go into my psycho-analysis of why I think he is the way he is, but its really none of your business. He is a good man and he loves me.
I want to feel substantial in life. I want to feel that my absense is unbearable. I want to feel like I offer something to my life, to my husband, to my friends, to my family, and to my passions. I keep longing for the past, knowing that it was good...unprepared and scared to look at the present in fear that it is not all that I expected or wanted, or thought I dreamed of. There is such a different picture for my future now...different than what it looked like from my past. I am not where I expected to be. Not doing what I thought I would...but I am happy...but its still not what I expected or thought I dreamed of. its reality, its good, but I know it can be better.
I take all the blame, cause I am the one to blame....apparently.