Pathetic

I think most of you have probably given up on my blogs. three months...how pathetic. I cant really think of anything exciting to talk about. So i guess Ill just tell you whats been going on.
As you probably know, I quit virtuallnk in August. My life was so much less stressful and semi-peaceful. Then shortly after I got a job with a photographer in Peoria. I love working with her most of the time (everyone has their days). Trouble is that I only work there part time 15-20 hours a week. Which is good, but not good enough. I talked to her about going full time in January, but it wont be working out like i thought. In order to help Nat with the bills, I had to get another part time job (which actually ends up being 30+ hours a week (you do the math). Some weeks arent as bad as others, but sometimes it is down right exhausting. My second job is a cashier at Walmart. Now I thought that this job would help me meet new people and find friends, but to no avail. It is still a loner job. Cant really cut it up with the other cashiers and most of the time the customers arent so friendly. Plus it is boring!!! The time pokes by like you are standing in line for a ride at kings island. 10 minutes feels like 2 hours. I dont think I have any choice but to suck it up. I consider going to get a 9-5 job, but what the hell would I do? I kind of like the flexibility of working with Ona, but walmart sucks because after 2 years of not having anyone tell you when and where to be at work and being able to make my own schedule, now I have people dictating my life with weekly schedules (that mind you are made 3 weeks in advance!). I feel like I have no control anymore. I cant quit though...I have nothing else substantial to fall back on. I have considered going back to school to get my teachers cert to be able to teach HS, but I am not sure how good Id be at that either. Maybe I should consider substituting first...then i fear they will put me in a room full of 5 year olds and I will suffer an anxiety attack. fear...what a messed up emotion...wont let you do anything!
I am also considering having a freelance design business, but that takes time and money to start up and I dont have much of either!
I miss Ohio. the lack of community aches in my heart and I think I take it out alot on Nat, indirectly. I really dont have any excuse why I dont have friends, other than I dont know anyone. I feel like I am trapped in Nats world, surrounded by his friends, his family and his everything. Could I be losing my identity as Chrissi. I guess I feel I am not categorized but as Nat's wife. No one really "talks" to me. You know, those out on the porch till 2am conversations...those talks about where you are, where you want to be and who you really think you are. those talks of encouragement and even those that kick you in the butt. I feel like i am missing the best times of my friends lives. They are having children, buying houses, making life changes and I am so far away that I dont even know how to talk to them anymore because maybe I feel we dont have anything to connect us anymore but our past (which can only be reminiscenced so much). I dont feel like I am of much worth. What defines my worth? the people that surround me, the pride I have in what i do for a living and how i help others. my worth is defined by how responsible i am and how much i have going for me. Maybe i have my blinders on. maybe i dont see beyond the hopelessness I feel right now. I am 28 years old with a bachelors degree working at walmart. I dont have any motivation and nothing really to hold in esteem right now. I dont feel like I have anything of my own. nothing that is purely mine. I want the determination to change my life. To step outta my comfort zone. to conquer those demons that have haunted me for years; fear, laziness, hopelessness, anger, discontentment, unsettling, lack of drive, irresponsibily...i guess the list can go on and on.
I am tired. its like feeling your feet are cemented to the floor and you can only look at what you could accomplish and the person you would truly be if only you could break yourself out of the mold you've plastered around yourself.
I dont take pictures anymore. havent for quite some time...why is that? i am jealous of those that have the zeal for what i once loved. easy to say "then go take pictures" --- bout as easy to do as carrying the ton pound brick on my shoulder as well.
I realize I have never accomplished anything I was at one time determined to accomplish. What ever happened to the girl that dreamed of owning a coffee shop. Where is the girl that dreamed of bringing people together in community and helping them grow. Where is the girl that was so free from others pre-concieved ideas, that went with the beat of her own drum? Where is the girl that loved to be around people, loved to sit and get to know others hearts and dreams? What happened to that girl? Did she grow up along with society’s pressures of “normalacy”? It makes me wonder whether that girl ever existed or if she too was a figment of my imagination, maybe just a dream of a girl I always wanted to be.
There are some days I want to get up and fight, fight for a life I know I am capable of. Fight for the vision of the woman I see in my head that I could be. I want people to line up at my funeral with utmost respect for the person I was. I want people to want to be like me, to emulate my desires, to be jealous of my zeal for life and love and adventure. I don’t want to wrestle with these demons anymore, I want them to be cast down and go away forever!
Pipe dreams…or is it? Would you recognize me if I truly became who I thought I was destined to be? Would you still love me? Of course you would, you couldn’t resist!!! =)
I am waiting…that’s my problem. I wait for her to just show up. Like one miraculous day she is going to just be me. I know that in order to show her to others, I have to walk down that long valley of change. No one wants to change…its hard, tough, scary. Its so much more comfortable to continue to dream and not achieve than to achieve and experience other dreams!
I am not sure how I feel. I want to be successful at something. I want to make enough money to pay my bills. I want to feel respected and admired. I want to be the person that people go to because they know they will be encouraged and motivated just by being in my presence. I want to love my husband without fear or reservation. I want to be happy in my soul. I don’t want to be tired, weary and discouraged all the time. I want that change to occur in my mind, soul and mind that would push me to grow. People in cinci may see that person, but I feel like right now…in this moment of my life… I am so insignificant here. I feel like I have nothing worthy to offer, and the thought of trying to find a career scares me, and at the same time perplexes me because I cant come up with anything that I am exceptional at doing.
Crossroads in life suck. I feel like I need to get the ball rolling in my life to be able to look back and be proud. I need to take those steps I have always feared to take. Take those risks that may return void. I feel like I have to decide between life in a career of working for others, or working for myself. I need to find balance in my life between work, social and spiritual life. I guess now I feel like I am lacking the later two, and have too much of the unsatisfying remainder. I think I need to emulate that SNL skit “I am good enough, smart enough and doggonit people like me”
I hate feeling discontent. I hate not taking control of my life and making it my own rather than working for people that have made it their reality. I hate being a follower and not a leader. I hate not standing up for what my heart longs for. I hate not knowing what my next step is. I hate living life without vision or drive. I hate not having anything thats mine.
Is this something I inherited…to let life pass me by. To not allow myself to live out of my comfort.
I doubt this is making sense to anyone. It’s a lot of rambling about heart with no clear definition of what it is that I truly want. How do I see myself in 1 year? 3 years? 5 years? Will I still be ranting about what I shouldve done and how life is passing me by and I am accomplishing nothing significant.
I don’t want to be a martyr. I don’t want to heal world hunger, or encourage everyone to be a vegetarian. I don’t want to be a politician. I just want to figure out what my purpose is, I want to establish my life in Illinois and surround myself with people that love and care for me deeply and really ASK how I am wanting to know the real answer. I want to be successful at something other than being a failure. I want to look in the mirror and be proud of the person I see. I don’t want to struggle with the same habits for the next 20 years. I am dying for change, and don’t know where to begin, and that is where the frustration comes from. I see this girl in my head that people take a second glance at for her beauty and spirit and drive. I see this woman in my mirror that I cant barely stand to look at because I don’t see anything worthy.
Call this the pity party of 2006! I have come a long way. There have been substancial changes in my life that I would never have expected 2 years ago. I understand this is a journey that requires patience and endurance. I understand I may never be satisfied. I know that one day, if need be the total breaking down of my will, I will accomplish something. Today I want it all…I am sick of waiting.
Its something no one can help me with. The encouragement drives me to rebellion. I don’t want people to see me in the journey, I don’t want them to help…I want to do it on my own (because I know in my heart I am strong enough). I don’t want them to keep me accountable because that makes me feel like a failure and leads me to just give up again and again. I don’t want it. I want to be awed. Ya know…like going to your ten year reunion for high school…to walk in and be envied. I don’t want to be seen in the dirt and grim of it (which is why I think marriage is so hard…there is no where to hide or escape). I feel the need for a reboot…for my screen to go dark so no one can see whats really going on in the background. And then…..well I think I am determined enough, if only I could get past myself.
The journey is lonely for a time, hard for a while and rewarding for a lifetime. I need to tap into that strength and will I know exists. You know what you need to do to make that strength obvious…something you do behind closed doors that shows your true heart, passions and devotions. Cry out on my behalf. Groan for peace, satisfaction and purpose. Weep for my heart and soul. Stand up for me when I am weak. Grant me the priveledge of prayer. Fast for my stubbornness and pride. That’s all I ask, because I know that its more powerful than all other devices. It withstands the self doubt and weaknesses…it alone can transform the body, soul and mind in an instant. It alone can bring to me the salvation I long for.
I think that’s it…I miss and love you all desperately and I want you to know that my heart aches for your companionship. I am always a phone call away!

c.ALIce

VC Lovers need your help!!

Please pass this one and save Vanilla Coke from permanant demise and its lovers from a lifetime of devastation!!!!
Many of you may know, or you may not, but I am an AVID lover of Vanilla Coke. Its the only thing I drank until it was pulled off the market, off the shelves and out of my life. Pleas help!!!
Go to http://www.savevanillacoke.org and sign the petition to get vanilla coke back!!

They say that their consumers asked for black cherry vanilla...i wonder WHO they are talking to...that crap is disgusting!!

Whether you like VC or not, please support our mission so that we can all live in harmony.

Thanks!!
Chrissi

life, etc.....

this is an email i wrote earlier...but pretty much sums everything up

LIFE:
I quit my job with virtuallnk as a graphic designer becasue I was miserable working from home and having NO contact beyond Nat. So I am taking a job with photographer in Peoria. i think it will be awesome because I actually get to work with pictures and albums which i have always wanted to learn to do and also take some pictures. i am not sure the hours or the pay, but at this point I am just overly excited about the oppurtunity to get my foot in the door. Ryan (our friend) also said I am basically hired at Starbucks Pekin...when it finally opens. I think its supposed to open end of September, early October. So there's two jobs in the bag!! YEAH I AM SO EXCITED!!
LOVE:
I love my husband. He may be getting a raise, which is very exciting. We will know in the next couple months. He is so awesome to me that I dont think i ever do enough to make him happy (although he tells me that i am). I am glad he went to church with me on Sunday. It would be nice to get re-aquainted with those people, but I also wonder if he would grow more and be more open to getting involved if it wasnt at Northfield (his home church)...I dunno, we will have to see. I wonder how we get involved with at home bible studies (do they even offer that?)
FAMILY:
Life is good for them. Mom seems to be really happy, though i am sure she has her moments. Cheryl is currently on vacation, she was at moms till wednesday then she is went to North Carolina. Carol may be moving from Cincinnati to Campbellsville, KY. There is a potential opening for a dorm director and a VERY good possibility she can also teach some classes there as well. Its the college she went to for her bachelors and its her dream to teach there, so that is really exciting for her. one problem is that she cant take her dog Judah with her...and Cheryl, me and mom dont really want her either. Its really sad actually, but I am sure we will find her a good home.
BUSINESS:
I started a home-based business with Arbonne. Have you ever heard of it? The products are PHENOMENAL and the compensation and rewards are the best for direct sales businesses. I am hoping to be able to get some networking done in Illinois and expose the Holiday catalog. There are so many good things in there for Christmas gifts. I have some ideas on what I am planning on getting people that I dont know what to get them. I am having some trouble because i dont know anyone here because the entire time I have been here I have been working from home. I had a couple parties in Cincinnati that were awesome last month. I am hoping to make district manager by next month..which means i really need to get my butt in action. It has really forced me to get out and meet new people, which has been really good for me.
You can look online at the holiday stuff. If you need to get anything for cousins, aunts, mothers, mother-in-laws, sisters, sister in laws, friends, guys, co-workers, birthdays, weddings, etc etc...remember when you look at the price online that it is 35% off that price (if you sign up to be a consultant)....so if your christmas budget is around $20-30 per person...these might be some great ideas...trying to make it easy for ya. Better than Bath and Body!!! =) I am going to buy the set of three of the smaller ones and mix and match little baskets...i think that will be clever! I LOVE THE MANDARIN CASHMERE!!!!

Here is a link to look over them....
https://www.arbonne.com/shop_online/shoponline.asp

Also, if you want to host a party or have a catalog show...let me know!!!

http://chrissi.myarbonne.com

So that basically sums up my life...little bit of work, little bit of love, family and Arbonne. Overall I am very content with where my life is and where it is going to take me. I have my days though!!!

CP

Coke Addicts

This is hilarious....well to me, but i thought i would share
So Nat is sitting on the couch, watching tv...he drinks coke, in the bottles. He opened it then put it on the floor next to him. Then I saw Sadie, walk right over to the coke bottle (which was full mind you) and dragged it into the middle of the floor and started chewing on it. Its not unusual for the girls to chew on empty water bottles and coke bottles, but she blantantly stole a full coke bottle from Nat. HAHHAHAHAAHHAAH
Then, he took it from her and put it next to him again, she climbed up on him, gave him a couple kisses, then STOLE IT AGAIN. Now we are a little to blame, cause we have taught them to chew on coke bottles, but usually empty ones!!!
Nat noticed earlier today that they (being Sadie and Etta, because most days they work as a tag team) dragged a full bottle outside (last one from a 6-pack with plastic thing still attached)...and one fourth of it was left.
So I have concluded that Etta and Sadie are both coke addicts.

CP

quitter

Failure is not the only punishment for laziness; there is also the success of others.

Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.

Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough.

People are fond of spouting out the old cliché about how Van Gogh never sold a painting in his lifetime. Somehow his example serves to justify to us, decades later, that there is somehow merit in utter failure.
Perhaps, but the man did commit suicide.

Ninety-nine percent of all failures come from people who have the habit of making excuses.

che che cheggit out....

I finally finished...I finished the website. They provided the address and everything, but i had to figure out what to put on the pages and insert LOTS of HTML code to make it look decent. it was a nice learning experience!!

http://chrissi.myarbonne.com

CP

8.21.2006

Greetings all.
Its been a while since I have blogged. Not that I dont have anything to say, just not much that i want to share with the world. I am doing well with Arbonne. Get discouraged sometimes, but i suppose that is normal. I have a lot on my plate right now, though today i officially finished my last project with Virtuallnk. Somewhat of a relief, but scary at the same time. I have an interview tomorrow and another one on Wednesday. I am not really sure what i want to do. Sorta want to go back into my comfort zone, but also feel the need to expand my zoning.
Been dealing with alot lately...just rushes of emotions with the new crossroad in life. Maybe one day ill figure out what i really want outta life. I can almost guarentee it wont be the norm.

Mrs.P

Hmmmm

So this week Ruth Ann has been calling me at 5:30 in the morning to go walking. I have actually gone. This morning I got no call...I was somewhat disappointed and somewhat relieved because i went to bed sorta later than i would have liked. So now i should be working, I have made a lot of progress this week but still hate to send my stuff for review because of the critiques. I think i truly despise my job more every day. Nat keeps telling me to take classes and grow more and i will like it better. maybe if i knew what i was doing i would feel more comfortable and productive. I dont know. I think overall i am just frustrated in general. I hate taking my frustrations of life out on Nat. Its not his fault. I am not sure what i want. I want a friend to hang out with. I want to have people i can have deep thoughtful conversations that dont live 6 hours away. I want to grow spiritually. I want to be loved...i know i am loved. Nat is very good about loving me, and so are my friends in Ohio and elsewhere...but i am talking about being loved, for people to seek out to hang out with you because they think you are so cool. I have met people and they have my phone number but no one has really reached out. Brinlee reached out alot, and she is moving away. I thrive by people, and i feel so alone all the time. I sit in the house all day staring at a computer screen. I sit all night, mostly staring at a computer screen. I really miss the interaction with people. I almost feel like sometimes i forgot how to be around people. I am sure that is like riding a bike...
So we thought that maybe i could go work at CSE, not for CSE but just sit at a desk or something so that i am out of the house and around people. Its an option, but I am not too sure about it yet. It just doesnt feel comfortable to me. I think about getting another job, but then I also think of how much i have on my plate right now and that getting another job would just take away from the jobs i have now.
Arbonne is such a relief. I see the potential to make friends and hang out with people and make money. Its like the light at the end of the tunnel. I dont think Nat really knows what to think. I made my first order last night and I am officially an independant consultant. I have a number and a pin and everything. I am very excited. I think it may be what i am looking for to escape my current situation. Its hard to be proactive about your life and not have people babysit you through it. I really have to decide what I want and go for it despite others opinions or preconcieved notions.
Another cool note, I started the Breaking Free Beth Moore study again. I am not putting it on a daily schedule, thats too much pressure and guilt. I have done a couple days, talking about disobedient kings of judah. I have done it once before but i have a feeling that it will be EXTREMELY different this time around. My struggles are definately different. WE'll see how well that goes. I am not a very good Bible reader...nothing every really hits me. I guess part of me feels like i know it all already. Of course i dont.
anyway, i need to go get breakfast and get some work done so i feel productive and valid today. sad eh?
love you all..i am excited to see you next week.
Mrs.P

so its Jamaica and all

Jamaica was fun. we were trapped on a complex with two different villas on the very small (but present) beach. we went to margaritaville and some falls. overall it was a good trip, hangin out with the fam and friends. other than that notmuch has been going on. I have a meeting today with a lady in Morton that sells arbonne as well so hopefully we can encourage each other and get some meetings going on around here. She is the only person i have come across that sells it around here, which is a good thing. Gives us somewhat of a monopoly but also it sucks because then its a little harder to learn about how we are to go about things.
Cheryl and Becky are having parties for me in August. I will be in town the 10th-14th. I think we have decided to focus more on the make-up aspect but will still focus on the skin care. Look up some details if you want, but come to the party because they will be fun. www.arbonne.com
Life is pretty boring but soon to be way busy and overwhelming. I will be good though. I will be making friends and money at the same time. I know you all are probably pretty sick of me talking about arbonne, but i seriously think it may be a good thing for me. It is a chance to make enough where i can quit the job i hate and make more money that i ever have before. we will see how it goes. mainly i want to lead others to financial freedom. This is one avenue that has worked for many people and i think that i can make it work for me.
anyway. bible study is over. I am sorta sad. Brinlee is leaving for Brazil soon, but i still have Ruth Ann. I would be a mess without her. She is like my only friend in Illinois (besides Nat, of course).
Steve, Hope's husband, went to the hospital on Tuesday night/Wed am with internal bleeding. They had him in ICU. Apparently he had too many aspirins or something. It was caused by pain medicine. Nat and I went to hang out with Hope at the hospital on Wednesday afternoon. I think now is ok, they were doing another test on him today and he probably got to go home, i am not totally for sure. She is not very good at about keeping people updated. Probably doesnt want to bother anyone, i can understand that.
No one is writing in their blogs. i feel so ALONE in the blog world. come on people, i KNOW something is going on!!!
Anyway, see you all in a couple weeks. If anything interesting happens or if i happen to have any epiphanies i will make sure i let you know.
Love you
Mrs P

OH Our LUCK!!

Here is an amusing story. VW called Nat today to have him come in and sign some more papers. Apparently something went awry. We bought a 2003 VW Jetta for 17,891, with nats trade in we got a very sweet deal. The car is loaded and 2006 retail is like 36000. We sorta wondered all day why the price was so low. I mean VW keep their value for quite a while and it was fairly cheap for being a loaded 2003. Here is the funny part....Nat had to go in and sign papers for the car we REALLY bought. They had the serial numbers mixed up and we were really supposed to get another Passat that wasnt nearly the one we got. Ours was supposed to be like 25,000. So we definately got a GREAT deal!!!! not everyday that the dealership will take more than 7,000 off a car...this time they did it by accident. How sweet is that?? usually you buy a car in negative equity, we drive off the lot with 6-8000 IN EQUITY. it still makes me giggle inside. Now i really think we should've got teh two for one deal (ya know, cause i am carless!).

Anyway..thought i would share
Mrs P

life

well i have had a bad day. i guess what gets me most in my job is that i dont feel like i can ever do anything worthy of approval. Its like being in art school all over again. i guess the one thing that gets me to a point of quitting is having the thought in my head that i will never measure up. despite the progress i still feel like i dont know enough and will ever be good enough. is that something that is taught?
all well. I guess i just let my inadequacies get the best of me. shows what i really think about myself. if i told myself everyday that i loved my job and made myself be passionate about what i do and learning more, i wonder if i would have so many bad days.
i am trying to figure out how to survive in life, do what i love, and still be financially secure. i love being around people and helping them, and in this job i am all alone all day long and feel helpless. where i am today is one day closer to where i want to be, what am i doing today to get where i want to be? where do i want to be? what do i want to accomplish in life?
i am truly happy being married to Nat, i wish that was enough to feel secure in myself as a person. It only makes me content in life, but doesnt change the rough parts. I think that one day it will just click, ya know, like i will know what to do. That day has yet to come. i dont want to wait around anymore, but there jsut doesnt seem to be enough time in the day to learn, work and play. i have all the ideas in my head of who i want to be and what i want to change...just not enough time to accomplish everything.
i guess i am talking in circles.
so some fun news. Nat and i went on a date yesterday. its always fun to be with him outside the confines of these four walls. we were supposed to go to see superman returns but ended up going to the VW Dealer. we traded in Nat's car for a 2003 VW Passat. i think we got a great deal. We had been discussing getting a four door for more room and accessability. i think its beautfiful!! black with silver drive...wood paneling, leather. oh its perty. Nat loves it (which is good since he will be the one driving all the time =)). One day i will have one of my own. it saddens me sometimes going shopping. I told Nat it puts me in my place...ya know...what i want and what i can afford. what i want...2006 VW Jetta loaded...or a Mercedes Benz...Audi A6 Quatrro..what i can afford, a 1991 beat up ford explorer (cause its free). Sucks sometimes.
so i have decided to start arbonne. hesitant because i dont think people will be very receptive. something about selling things that you believe in but feeling rejected. I guess thats something you have to deal with though. i really feel like i can be successful. I have been contemplating starting for about a year, collecting info and making sure its what i would really strive to be successful at. compared to other network marketing, its top of the line. i would like to schedule some parties (they will be fun!!) gives me an excuse to come to cinci. =) parties are fun because hosts get cool benefits and you dont have to do anything but be there. nice eh? anyone interested? i am sure i will call on you eventually.
jamaica is less than two weeks away. I am excited but nervous all at the same time. lots of pressure from all sides in my life i guess. miserable eh?
i have lots of projects to do, i would like to get them all done asap so i can make more money, but thats not going to happen...a girl can dream though!
anyway. i think thats it. later loves
Mrs. P

married life

i always thought i would love being married, and of course i was right. I am usually right about what i thought i would want...i said USUALLY!
Nat is wonderful. Half the time i dont know how he puts up with me. I am a girl, through and through, with the random girlish spats. I am independant through and through too, so its hard sometimes, but we manage well. Yet to get into a fight, though we do have little tantrums sometimes (more like him putting up with my tantrums).
I have been working alot lately and trying to get all my projects till septemeber done this month. I think i can actually do it, we will see.two week from today that we go to Jamaica. I am excited. It will be so much fun and a much needed vacation i think. a laid back event in the sun. I am most excited to show off my man!!
we have had some drama lately. went down to visit my mom in KY last weekend and Etta and Sadie BOTH got bit by a snake. They were all swollen and miserable. One of those times when i wish i could've been there to protect them, but they love to run the woods and i cant keep up.
Speaking of running though (btw the girls are MUCH better)...Nat and I have started a running regime. we are using an eight-week plan to get to the point where we can run 30 minutes straight...i do believe he is in better shape than i am. Gotta start somewhere though right?
well mom and steve bought a new house. we get to go see it this weekend. we are also going car shopping hoping to find a 4 door car at the same monthly payment that we are paying now. need more space with all the girls. we really like camrys, accords, passats and well we can drool over the acura that we cant afford. trying to get our finances in order so we will be financially secure later in life...anyone have any suggestions? email us! or post a comment.
going to hang out with erin and alex on friday night..some friends from accenture. they are fun to hang out with, its exciting to have options.
i would still like to get involved into a volleyball league, but we havent been too proactive about that lately...anyone want to play with us?
well....i think thats it.
love you all
Mrs. P

Destiny

I wanted to share this because i think its beautiful, awesome and proof of the fulfillment of my dreams:
I found this in my Bible, I knew it existed and actually read it to Nat months ago, but i thought i would share it with you. Maybe to boast of my joy or to encourage you in your struggle and disbelief that GOD IS GOOD. I made this list sitting in Longhorn with Christy Payne and her then current boyfriend Ty (this was about 5-6 years ago, i am actually in awe that it was that long ago myself)
CRITERIA TO BE WITH CHRISSI
1. Hippie Mentality (Philosopher)
a. Freebird/Laid Back
b. "unstable" (meaning that he would be open to new experiences and not stuck in a mundaness of a certain kind of life)
2. sarcasm (good)
3. Christian Leader (full of grace and servant hearted)
4. attractive (or i be attracted to)
5. Good sense of humor
6. Faithful and Trustworthy
7.Honest and Open communication
8. Integrity-does what he says he is gonna do
9.Comfortable to open up to
10.makes people feel good, friendly and outgoing
11. undecisive about children (although we are currently decisive)
12. sense of style, but not gay
13. creative and appreciates my art
14. encourages me through my doubts
15. open-minded and accepting of individuality
16. able to re-create self image
17. affectionate, but not a foundation of intimacy
18. respects my inner convictions
19. "wants to know the book that is 'chrissi'"
20. no baggage
21. considerate...call, call, call
22. confidence
23. romantic and has element of surprize
24. simplicity of life and goes with the flow
25.able to walk through conflicts.

Nat meets ALL these requirements and exceeds my expectations in many and more areas. I really do love this man. I really do believe he was created just for me. I dont think i have ever been happier in life and in a place in life where i felt free to be me totally exposed and vulnerable.

Just thought i would share...
Love you all
Mrs. P

Official

today i went to get my Illinois license. Its official, I am Mrs. Pflederer and a legal resident of Illinois...even registered to VOTE!! yeah like thats going to happen. I must say though, that its the best license picture i have ever had (passport pics do me NO justice). So needless to say I had a beautiful day =)

love you all
Mrs. P

few pics

Life has been crazy busy, here are a couple pics for your viewing pleasure.






Mrs. P

New Phone Number!!

Hey, I am diving into my new life and in the process i figure i needed to change my phone number as well. I sent a text message to most of you, and i will send an email. I would put it here but who knows what kind of calls i would get!
If you didnt get the number and would like it, please leave me a comment or an email and i will send it to you!!

love you all

btw the fence building is going along great! We have dug all the post holes and set all teh posts (except 2). I really think we may get it done this week. OH FUN!!!

later
Chrissi Pflederer

Hello Mrs. Pflederer

well, i must say, it doesnt feel like i am married somedays, but it does other days. Life is somewhat back to normal. I am finally home and things are settling down. We are trying to figure out how we are going to build our fence. I say 4 foot, he says 6 foot. Who knows what we will end up with. I am trying to get the house in order, that is an adventure---let me tell you!! i figured i would do some spring cleaning and get it out of the way as we are putting new things away and going through all things. I am not supposed to be working right now but i figure i can get some stuff done. I am trying to organize my life again. Married life is great. feels a little different but overall about the same. anyway, i need to get some stuff done.
love you all
c.ALIce Pflederer

how to deal

i am not even sure what to write about because so many things are not running through my head. Its like i am forgetting to think, which is nice for the time. It has been the longest week of my life. It definately puts life in perspective a little bit. If you didnt know (although i am sure that everyone reading this knows) my dad passed away on wednesday night, surrounded by people that truly loved him. the funeral was yesterday and it was so nice. I think once again we did our daddy proud. he was always laid back and fun-loving and we couldnt possibly have a stoic funeral. i got a call from the lady that was making my wedding cakes that she was unable to do them, so yall will have to deal with whatever i come up with. I think my wedding day will be the hardest and the most joyest day of my life. I cant imagine looking into Nat's eyes and saying "till death do us part" after going through that reality right now. I worry for my mom, i pray she will be ok. She is strong but also has had dad there to take care of her and be her confidant since she was 19. can you imagine? 40 years of marriage?!?! I hope Nat and I live that long to see that.
I think I am still numb. Although i dont think i am avoiding dealing with it. i have such a peace of heart that i almost feel guilty. its like i have dealt with it and now its just a reality. i do have my mini crying spells, when i think about what he will miss out on (our weddings, grandkids, etc etc), but I also know that he was ready to go. There is an amazing comfort when you know that it is not forever. I love hearing the stories about how he influenced so many peoples lives. Its encouraging because i want to strive even more to be everything i can be in the lives of the people around me.
we have recieved support from so many people. moms family, dads family, nats family, employers and friends. I really am in awe of the respect and admiration people have for him, but also that people would see those traits in me, my sisters, my mom and even Nat in such a way that they support us although they never met him.
i am most sad that he didnt have the oppurtunity to meet the new family i have. i wish they could have at least experienced him for one day and could have seen what a strong and wonderful ( or rather good, good) man he was. But most of all for them to see our love for each other and have first hand accounts of his wit and humor. that saddens me. i really wanted to share him with them, they would have loved him too!
thanks to all of you that hurt with us and send your love towards us and him through prayers and thoughts and mutual sympathies. you truly are part of the family, and i would have it no other way. i love you all dearly!!
so we will see how i handle that day, the day a little girl wants her daddy there, but still wants to celebrate that she has someone that loves her (almost) as much as he did. I am thrilled that dad had the oppurtunity to meet Nat and approve him. It will be a bittersweet day.
love you all
see you soon!
Chrissi (soon to be) Pflederer

looky looky what i did

http://natandchrissi.blogspot.com

If you have any suggestions, let me know!

and i say..slacker

Nat reminded me that i havent written in over a month. Not that he really needs to know whats going on in my life. He is my life....
had a fantastic valentines day. first time i have ever had a boyfriend (more or less a fiancee). i got flowers and a card.
we decided to sell the house, making a more of an effort. we have an open house and are painting and getting it ready. we had one promising showing the other day,but who knows with those.
i love nat
wedding plans are going well. i am relocating to cincinnati to expedite the process. i am anxious to get there. i would like to leave this weekend, but Nat doesnt want me to yet. I have so much to do...its crazy. Planning a wedding (or rather a reception) is a PAIN!! i just want to get it done, and the sooner the better. i just need to relax i guess.
counseling is going well. i like it, it does bring up things to talk about. i am anxious for the next meeting on thursday.
thats it. i dont have much else i can think about to talk about. i am tired.

later loves
chrissi

Not Much

Nothing too exciting going on these days. I have been working alot because they keep giving me projects, which isnt necessarily bad, but i dont know when to stop working i think. The puppies have been really good. I have them on a feeding schedule because Etta has to take medicine with food and thats the only way I can force her to eat. It helps tremendously in the potty training efforts. Its actually quite amazing. I can tell when they need to go out and what they are going to do. Dogs are amazing creatures of habit, which is nice.
Nat, of course, is wonderful. I am getting hounded by my sisters to register, i have a had time with that. Nat will have to help me.
anyway, i gotta go back to work, just wanted to let you know that there is nothing interesing going on here. If i remember though, i wll tell you about my computer dramas!!

love you
c.ALIce

Counseling

So we went to counseling tonight. I was expecting something totally different. We talked about how we met and our current situation. After the session, we set up a meeting for next week. He asked us if we have any more question for him and Nat asked him what his impression of us was and he said that we have a cool vibe about us and a real warmth. oh, that made my day!! its great for an outsider to see that. i was so proud. Nat was telling him how we met and how he "fell madly in love with me" and know he would spend the rest of his life with me. I was just sitting there in awe, wow, he really does love me deeply. I know he loves me, and i love him... yet it is so sweet and touching to hear him proclaim it without reservation to a complete stranger. Just thought i would share out counseling experience.

c.ALIce

yeah yeah i know i know

Ok i think i have finally come up with a time slot to write a little bit. Actually i am sorta fed up with work so i am taking a break (although i am on hour 9 of my 8 hour day). Its lonely this week without Nat. Granted i dont really hang out with him 24/7 when he is in town, but i think because he is not here, i want him more. I love him so much.
Etta. She is quite the little trooper. Last friday i was letting the girls in from being outside on the chain. They usually run right into the house, but this time they decided to run around the house. About the 3rd time trying to get them to stop and go inside i heard the screech and painful cry. Of course it was etta because she is always the one getting hurt. Its about 3pm, and i dont have a car so i call Nat like 10 times. then i make my way upstairs (etta in arms with a blood-soaked towel) and type to him on instant messenger. I am sure he was thinking..yeah right, she's kidding, but i assure you, etta and me were in no mood to joke. He called his dad (ohmigod why didnt i think of that?). Ken (aka dad) got there and drove me to the vet. Everyone there was so cool, and of course etta is adorable so its not like you can blame her. she opened up her leg, from the inner hip to the paw, bone exposed. Luckily there was no damage to her lungs or bladder or any broken bones. She went home a couple hours later and then went back Saturday am to sew her up. They only sewed up 50% of the gash...apparently dogs heal really well with growing new tissue and all. She has been back once since and i have to go in tomorrow to change her bandages. shes got one of those cone things to put on her head, but its impossible because sadie likes to attack it...go figure. SHe has been really good though, becoming quite the cuddling mommas girl. she sleeps at my feet while i work, oh so cute. she lays on my toes and grunts alot (but etta has always grunted alot)
Wedding. So i hear that my plans are confusing. yeah well, i have never planned a wedding before. Hopefully theses are the final plans...basically a little change of terminology to limit the confusion. May 20th, 2006. There will be a FAMILY ONLY LUNCHEON. Basically Nat and I feel that our immediate families are very important to us, and if we are to be married, it is ultimately a uniting of our lives and the lives of our families. So its a sacred time for our parents and siblings to bond (cause we know they will love each other). That is what it is. ITs not a ceremony/exchange of vows, its allowing our families to unite. We will get married most likely at the justice of peace or something, nothing fancy or elaborate...we havent figured that out yet. The reception is at cheryls house in monroe, hor'duerves and casual dress. Dont freak out about getting all dressed up (cause as carol reminded me, we are not a group like that). it will be like a birthday party, but better. I think Nat and I have decided to set time aside to allow people to toast us...or have a video-guest book, so i can watch it when i am down and need love. the reception in Illinois is the next weekend and all of you are more than welcome to coem to that as well. Receptions are open, carefree and laid back...what made me think to make it anything less than that??
so that being said. i would still need photographers on sat afternoon for couple/family pictures around cincy, so you are still invited to do that. anyone that is interested in that...cindy, kate, sa, beck....anyone, it could be a fun day of modeling and having fun and goofing off before teh reception (hopefully spending the day around town will take teh awkwardness off of the reception...little bonding (you with them).
i think thats it
i gotta go meet Hope (aka mom) for dinner.
love you all
sorry for all the confusion.

another will be post

nat and i talked about our wedding plans and i think we finally figured out what we are going to do...and basically it all boiled down to terminology."

ill write about that later

and etta, surgery went great...she will have to go back in 2 weeks to get stitches out.

later loves

My baby got hit by a car

ill tell you the story later...but she is ok. SHe has surgery tomorrow to stitch up her leg...going to missouri tomorrow...will write on sunday and monday what happened.

love you
chrissi

poker night and everything else

ever since i got to tremont, we have poker nights at one of nat's friends house. Its $20 for poker, pizza, fun and beer (i am glad no one is irresponsible in that regard, its a mature crowd). I go, have some fun and hope that nat wins the big pot. last night i was fantastic. out of 24 people i made 4th place, and won $35! Hey better than nothing. i think i could've gone all the way, but one of my last hands wiped me out. it was tons of fun! i have a feeling its goin to be a slow weekend. I have lots of work to do that i dont really want to do. I have to decide if i can go to arkansas next week...I have been getting alot more work and i fear that if i go i will lose out on some cash, yet in a sense it is a business venture (sarah is going to help me with my websites) and it would be better than sitting around here without nat around. we are going to branson missouri regardless and arkansas is only 3 hour drive to sarah. I also would have to take my laptop, which tends to slow my work down because it takes a bit for it to recongnize what i am doing (but it is better). I dunno what to do. I hate to board the dogs in a kennel...but i can only hope that it would help potty train them! OH that is so frustrating! I would like to have people over and play cards and have dinner but i cant bring myself to invite people into a house that smells like urine and poop. We did clean the carpet on monday while they were at the clinic, and it definately helped, but its like outside is to play, inside is to potty. anyone have any suggestions? i am going to start beating them!
Work is going well. I have been busy this week with a couple different projects, i hope to get them all done this weekend so i can start new ones on monday. So its getting better, and i am getting better. i still have a long way to go, but i am at least making progress daily. Levi is talking about flying me down again for training. I learn alot more when i am down there, but dread spending the week at his house. its ALL work, and no play, very boring i must say. I guess i have to if he wants me to though. I feel better about making him put out the cash because 1. i know he is making it 2. i know i am helping him make it. 3. it will be better to see hands on than from afar. all in good time.
i think i decided for the bachlorette party to paint pottery. I think there is a place in old mason but am not sure. also, does anyone have any friends that just got married and still have their decorations? id rather not go buy them, id rather just borrow them.
The wedding plans are coming along nicely. I have been horrible about the losing weight aspect. I try not to get mad at myself and make it worse, but to actually get into gear. Apparently i dont want it that bad! I see myself falling into trends that if i dont stop them now, i will have to deal with for the rest of my life. i found my dress and it is beautiful. i think its exactly what i was looking for.
I NEED ADDRESSES!!! One person has sent me their address. Please dont assume i have it becasue i sent you something in the mail...i lost my address book so i have none, except for becky because she actually sent me hers! (alycepaige@yahoo.com) I really cant do anything without them.
for the ceremony and reception i need the following volunteers
1. Set up at ceremony
2. Break down at ceremony
3. Decorate for Reception
4. Organize bachlorette party
5. Break down decorations at reception
6. photographers
7. video cameras (and someone/persons to man them)
8. advice on how to do the ceremony
9. Organize Personal Shower
10. Alter my dress (once i get it)
11. I am sure there is something i am missing
I want you (katie, becky, sarah r, cindy, kadie, sarah c, amber, carol, cheryl, moms, emma, jen(ny), danielle, nessa, abbi and steph, etc etc) to help and be apart, but I dont want to assign duties because i want you to do it out of your own generous heart, not because you feel obligated.
I could have more than one party, honestly i dont know how to plan a wedding or pre-wedding stuff. someone was saying that personal showers are for "personal stuff" from friends...so pampered chef party? I dont know what i am doing...some have you all have been married...any ideas? i want to be able to have as many parties in cinci as possible (gives me an excuse to coem down and see you guys).
i am letting ruth ann take care of most everything here, and probably nats mom will help too, and ken aka "dad".
i love you all, please dont ever doubt that. regardless of how much we talk or dont talk, everyone of you is dear dear dear to my spirit (to spirit because the heart is fickle, you all are sewn into my very being!!)
anyway, i need to get some work done. call me...
later
c.ALIce

today

yesterday we finally got the girls home. 2 days without them were very lonely. I am glad to have them back, even if its just to lay around and sleep. They are not supposed to play much, and honestly i dont think they have the energy. I am scared to pick them up and play with them, that i might hurt them. I guess being dogs though, they are resilent.
last night i went to paint pottery with nat's mom. I thought that might be a cute idea for my bacholorette party. Get teh girls together, go out to dinner (or take sandwiches to pottery place) and have each of my friends make me a small plate for my kitchen. Cindy gave me an idea to go to a spa, but i am not sure that many people can afford the $150. Id like to make it where we can spend some quality time together and have some fun. maybe go dancing or something afterwards...harmless fun!
i have decided, in a effort to help cheryls pampered chef business, that i am going to do a pampered chef personal shower. I dunno how that is supposed to work, and i am not sure thats what i am supposed to do. But hey, stuff for the kitchen, and being that i am really starting to love to cook..why not. plus its two birds with one stone.
If you have any other ideas, let me know. Please keep the days open because i would love for all my friends to come (near and far).
tonight we have dinner with ruth ann and mike. it should be fun. I like them. They are nats cousins (mike, his wife).
anyway, i gotta get back to work
love ya

my little girls

Etta and Sadie went today to get spayed. I miss the little babes. They have been fighting alot lately, within the last week it has really escalated. Sadie sleeps behind the bed and cant stand to be near Etta. Yet sometimes they are perfectly fine. I am not really sure who to blame, honestly i think they are both at fault. If it continues, we might be forced to give one away. Etta was my birthday present and my dog, Sadie, well Nat is in love with her and claims her undoubtably. I hope it doesnt have to come down to having to give one up. It breaks my heart to see them fight, and i miss them terribly today while they are away. I dont want to give them up. I was thinking, if we had children, and they fought all the time, would you put one up for adoption...doubtful. And they are out little girls...i dont want to be put in a position to make that decision. Hopefully the spaying will help and not make it worse.
Other side of life. Work is going well. Last week I finally got to a point where I was making acceptable progress and money. Hard work none the less, but rewarding with a nice paycheck.
Nat is wonderful
Wedding plans are somewhat stressful. I felt trapped that i had to do it a certain way in order to make everyone happy, once i put that aside and decided what i wanted, its a lot less of a headache. I do need addresses though..everyones!!! so email them to me. (alycepaige@yahoo.com)...I gotta get on the ball with invitation design and getting everything ready. The date is May 20th, reception at cheryls house in monroe, and somewhat of a black tie affair (not prom dresses and tuxedos, but nice dresses and suits)..thats the plan anyway. So please send me your addresses.
SAVE THE DATES!!
Personal Bridal shower (Cincinnati)...March 18th
Bachlorette Party (Cincinnati)....April 29th

Does anyone want to help me plan? I cant do this on my own and i would like for my girls to be involved. Email me and let me know if you have any ideas or want to help organize. I am totally at a loss when it comes to really planning anything. Thanks.
Planning on going to Arkansas the last week of January to visit Sarah Craynon. It should be fun if it works out the way i want it to.
I havent been too much in the conversating mood lately. Sorry to those that have to suffer my apathy. Just had a lot on my mind, lotsa work and been really tired.
Anyway, Love you all!!
c.ALIce

Oh to be in love

Oh to be in love. How romantic movies have such a different meaning. How life changes, grey always has a shade of blue in it. How did i get so incredibly blessed? What did i ever do in life to have the ultimate priviledge to be loved like i am loved. Its like God made me like a puzzle piece and he made Nat to fit snuggly with me so perfectly. The way he pushes me so gently for me to go towards my goals and dreams. How he is keeps me accountable yet not in a dominating or controlling way. I am sure we have/will have our issues and problems. But who can treat me in such a way where exposing every aspect of myself, good and bad, could feel so safe. I love the way he deals with me, the way he talks to me, the way he gets me to talk, when his sixth sense tells him i really need someone to pull it out. Its like he read the book that is Chrissi, highlighted the most important parts and understood the context. There is no other way to describe it but miraculous.
I wish that I was near you all, that you could witness the truth of the matter. I know that it must be difficult to look in from the outside and not be here to see up close the dynamics of the life we lead. To look from afar and be separate in a sense. I feel as if my entire life has led me to this moment. Every step, struggle and new thought and adventure has bought me to this point in life. Who would I be if i didnt pursue something that i believed in. Would i not still be continuing to run away from my true identity?
What do i want to accomplish in life? What are my true desires? How can one possibly find a partner if they dont have a real idea of who they are? Maybe its not "finding" who you are, maybe its the gift of having the "freedom" to be who you are. For example, I didnt want to bear children or have a family till i met Nat. i was too much of a "free spirit" to stay in one place (especially one as dull as tremont). As a defense i convinced myself of my parental inadequacy. Now, I am somewhat anxious. Its like all teh lies have i been living all the false pretenses i portrayed were erased. Somehow I was free to be me. i didnt have to pretend to be a hardass. I dont know how he did it, but he saved me. He allowed me to be who i was without judgement or assumptions, but with acceptance and support. I guess over time and through my experiences I grew hard that "love" or hope of a future mate could happen. I doubted my worth to be taken care of and loved by any man. I resisted trusting anyone (even those closest to me) becasue it didnt hurt as bad when they rejected my alter ego-that meant my heart was safe-but slowly dying inside. Its strange, sometimes you can get so accustomed to living a lie, it becomes truth. I know what it is like to live a lie. There is a hidden weight there, a burden to carry, most people dont ever realize it. The beauty of it is that when it is gone, there is no denying that its gone. I am living in peace, beauty and security. That is a gift from God. And funny that it is the meaning of his name.