Sunday, November 30, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Friday, November 21, 2008
Friday, November 07, 2008
control....
So since i have been back to Ohio, I cant decide if i am mad because my life got turned upside down or because my plans had to accommodate. There is really no reason to be mad, I am surrounded by friends and family that support me and want the best for me. Carol is definately the most hard-pressing on the issue, she basically wants to carry the photography business so I will stop stalling on it.
I went a couple weeks ago to a wedding with a photographer in Cincinnati. I thought it was fun, sorta. 10 hour wedding days are long and ridiculous...and boring. It was fun to look through my camera and see the image...i even considered for a split second to change up all my equipment from nikon to canon to accommodate a need to fit in(or have axcess to others equipment that may or may not share). I could not bring myself to do it.
1. I know Nikon, I can get inside the and change settings like no tomorrow and i have a fairly good idea what it will do.
2. Carol said something that stuck, and as snobbish as it may sound...Canons are for amatuers...that is totally wrong and uncalled for because there are SO many excellent photographers that use canon...but I like to have an elitest prespective. Maybe one day I will switch, but now, I think ill stick to what i have.
So i figured something out about me this week. Well a few things.
I can't except people to knock down my door with oppurtunities unless i put myself out there.
I found that I am talented, but living a lie.
I found that life will never work how you want it to.
i found that I am way more concerned with success than what may be right.
I get hurt when my friends dont consider me as asset. I have a four-year degree in photography...why would ANYONE else take your pictures? Probably because I bitch and moan and dont make myself available. I am scared to death I will screw it all up or not measure up...then in retrospect i see how much better i am. I think as a photographer you have to be somewhat cocky...I have not been so cocky lately and it has cost me experience. I need to take more pictures, I need to get past this stupid "unqualified" feeling.
I am talented damnit! After seeing some in action, I realized that "its not that hard". I am making a mountain out of a molehill. People appreciate good pictures, I know I can take them....I just need more so they can be properly convinced. the more is hard...i feel like i dont have a lot of time.
Plans change. 3 months ago we were in Peoria, planning how to finish decorating our house, what new project to conquer and conscienciously trying to get pregnant. Why not? We are married, we have a house, steady jobs and its the natural progression of life. We are not 21 anymore, if we want to have the ability to run and play, we should probably have them soon...and that plural so we need time to have, adjust, have adjust...then we move. Bad decision? nah. Hard decision? nah. tough on pre-planned events. yeah. I like being here, I think its best for me and him and our future, but its hard starting over. I was comfortable, life was predictable, i was growing...My plans got ruffled. I live with my sister...which is fine, but not the ideal situation for babies...its already crowded, we cant buy house till we sell the other one, which may be 10 months or 10 years...we havent really even decided if we will stay in Cincinnati once renters move out and we find it difficult to maintain mortgage with living here. its complicated...too much thinking.
Finally, I am a success junkie I think. so i have this job where i have a business that i run for someone else. it pays the bills, and its sorta like working for a corporate society without actually working there. It has its perks. I dont feel super qualified for what I am doing, it is a huge learning curve and requires organization and etiquette...neither of which i have a gold-star in. It will potentially be something incredible...one day...In the meantime I am dealing with the fact its not my dream. I am living out someone else's mighty plans. Its ok though, I get my share, but its still hard...I would rather be doing something for me...something i put off maybe for the rest of my life. I really love photography, but do i want it as a career to get burnt out and hate it? maybe its more to do with the passion of doing it, then doing it full time..
So Nat and I have been attempted to get pregnant for nearly 8 months. Hell, I got it down to the day and calculated the cycle for optimum potential. sad i know...i dont want to have a baby right now. i dont feel like we are in a place in life prepared for it, i think there are other issues we need to figure out...i am not ready to live my life into the hands of mini-me...i need more vacations first! i know how it changes life...i am dumb enough to think it wont -- but it will. I dont want the responsibiblity and i dont see how it fits right now because I havent figured me out yet. despite all that, i want to get pregnant...because i am a success junkie. I want to know that it is possible. i want to know that I can be good at it or something. I like the idea more for the special treatment aspect than the baby aspect. Nat doesnt seem to concerned about not having kids right this second. i know the grandparents are anxious...I just want to know what its like, know that it can happen, and then go on with my life. Now dont go getting all hot and bothered if you find out tomorrow or next month that we have been sucessful in concieving, its meant to be...i just dont have any control over it.
I think that will do for today...happy reading!
Mrs. P
I went a couple weeks ago to a wedding with a photographer in Cincinnati. I thought it was fun, sorta. 10 hour wedding days are long and ridiculous...and boring. It was fun to look through my camera and see the image...i even considered for a split second to change up all my equipment from nikon to canon to accommodate a need to fit in(or have axcess to others equipment that may or may not share). I could not bring myself to do it.
1. I know Nikon, I can get inside the and change settings like no tomorrow and i have a fairly good idea what it will do.
2. Carol said something that stuck, and as snobbish as it may sound...Canons are for amatuers...that is totally wrong and uncalled for because there are SO many excellent photographers that use canon...but I like to have an elitest prespective. Maybe one day I will switch, but now, I think ill stick to what i have.
So i figured something out about me this week. Well a few things.
I can't except people to knock down my door with oppurtunities unless i put myself out there.
I found that I am talented, but living a lie.
I found that life will never work how you want it to.
i found that I am way more concerned with success than what may be right.
I get hurt when my friends dont consider me as asset. I have a four-year degree in photography...why would ANYONE else take your pictures? Probably because I bitch and moan and dont make myself available. I am scared to death I will screw it all up or not measure up...then in retrospect i see how much better i am. I think as a photographer you have to be somewhat cocky...I have not been so cocky lately and it has cost me experience. I need to take more pictures, I need to get past this stupid "unqualified" feeling.
I am talented damnit! After seeing some in action, I realized that "its not that hard". I am making a mountain out of a molehill. People appreciate good pictures, I know I can take them....I just need more so they can be properly convinced. the more is hard...i feel like i dont have a lot of time.
Plans change. 3 months ago we were in Peoria, planning how to finish decorating our house, what new project to conquer and conscienciously trying to get pregnant. Why not? We are married, we have a house, steady jobs and its the natural progression of life. We are not 21 anymore, if we want to have the ability to run and play, we should probably have them soon...and that plural so we need time to have, adjust, have adjust...then we move. Bad decision? nah. Hard decision? nah. tough on pre-planned events. yeah. I like being here, I think its best for me and him and our future, but its hard starting over. I was comfortable, life was predictable, i was growing...My plans got ruffled. I live with my sister...which is fine, but not the ideal situation for babies...its already crowded, we cant buy house till we sell the other one, which may be 10 months or 10 years...we havent really even decided if we will stay in Cincinnati once renters move out and we find it difficult to maintain mortgage with living here. its complicated...too much thinking.
Finally, I am a success junkie I think. so i have this job where i have a business that i run for someone else. it pays the bills, and its sorta like working for a corporate society without actually working there. It has its perks. I dont feel super qualified for what I am doing, it is a huge learning curve and requires organization and etiquette...neither of which i have a gold-star in. It will potentially be something incredible...one day...In the meantime I am dealing with the fact its not my dream. I am living out someone else's mighty plans. Its ok though, I get my share, but its still hard...I would rather be doing something for me...something i put off maybe for the rest of my life. I really love photography, but do i want it as a career to get burnt out and hate it? maybe its more to do with the passion of doing it, then doing it full time..
So Nat and I have been attempted to get pregnant for nearly 8 months. Hell, I got it down to the day and calculated the cycle for optimum potential. sad i know...i dont want to have a baby right now. i dont feel like we are in a place in life prepared for it, i think there are other issues we need to figure out...i am not ready to live my life into the hands of mini-me...i need more vacations first! i know how it changes life...i am dumb enough to think it wont -- but it will. I dont want the responsibiblity and i dont see how it fits right now because I havent figured me out yet. despite all that, i want to get pregnant...because i am a success junkie. I want to know that it is possible. i want to know that I can be good at it or something. I like the idea more for the special treatment aspect than the baby aspect. Nat doesnt seem to concerned about not having kids right this second. i know the grandparents are anxious...I just want to know what its like, know that it can happen, and then go on with my life. Now dont go getting all hot and bothered if you find out tomorrow or next month that we have been sucessful in concieving, its meant to be...i just dont have any control over it.
I think that will do for today...happy reading!
Mrs. P
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
ITS MY PARTY!!!
SAVE THE DATE!!!
When: November 8, 2008
Where: Cheryl's House in Monroe
Why: Chrissi's 30th Birthday Party!
What: Fun, Games, Food, Wii...did I mention FUN!
Who: YOU!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
aarrrr
i am just plain angry...i am angry in my soul...like an unsettling frustration that wont go away. I should be happy to be home. I should cherish each moment of life that I get to spend with my family and friends. for some reason i am just bitter. it feels like some sort of vengeance that feels justified, but has no purpose. it comes out of nowhere...i can be perfectly content and within seconds i am just overwhelmed, tired and bitchy. I think there are pills for this sort of imbalance. It is not fair to take it out on people i love...but maybe in some twisted thought I feel like they are the ones that caused it.
i think i am jealous of others lives...people that have their dreams come true, or my dreams come true in their lives. It seems like it takes no effort at all--that life just throws out the red carpet for certain people. I am lost in life. it feels like coming in from a bright sunny day into the house and it is so bright that you stumble around to find steady ground and all you see is nothingness. its that standing still, knowing that soon your eyes will adjust, but the wait is frustrating....
there is my life...in reality....then there is my life is theory. i had it all figured out. i knew where i was, who i was with and where i was going...now i am just lost. and being lost make me angry.
i think i am jealous of others lives...people that have their dreams come true, or my dreams come true in their lives. It seems like it takes no effort at all--that life just throws out the red carpet for certain people. I am lost in life. it feels like coming in from a bright sunny day into the house and it is so bright that you stumble around to find steady ground and all you see is nothingness. its that standing still, knowing that soon your eyes will adjust, but the wait is frustrating....
there is my life...in reality....then there is my life is theory. i had it all figured out. i knew where i was, who i was with and where i was going...now i am just lost. and being lost make me angry.
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
vacation
it feels like some sort of weird vacation. Like I am in some kind of dream. I enjoy being home. I like having my family close--and my friends. The funny thing is that I barely see either set. Nat and I both work from home...him with Accenture and me with my new business. Its exhausting. I really dont mind working from home though. I actually have trained myself enough to get a little bit done during work hours, and not feel like i have to work 24/7. It is sorta a break period right now... i am learning alot of my duties that I havent quite done yet. I am glad to not be designing. I really did not like it. PJS wasnt that bad because it was so easy and I was basically just a clip-art queen. I am much more comfortable with photography.
I went back to Peoria a couple weeks ago to do some photo shoots with a couple of my girlfriends. i realize that i am somewhat unprepared when it comes to doing "natural lighting" with certain backdrops. I would much rather have full control...and there is a way to have a pretty good setup that doesnt require hauling an entire studio lighting set...it is just getting to the point where I can afford to buy it all. One day!
I think that Nat enjoys being here. He doesnt complain about anything...which is unlike him anyway. Its weird, for as much time as we spend in the same house together...i still feel like i never see him.
We are driving to Pennsylvania this weekend to hopefully say his last goodbyes to his grandpa (moms dad) before he passes on. Nat hasnt seen him in 15 years. Its a big step for him to actually go, but I think it is definately more for his mom than himself. I went to a funeral last weekend for my uncle Clyde...he died of almheizers. That disease sucks. So if grandpa meckes dies, that makes 2....and they come in threes -- so I wonder who is next...i TRULY hope not Grandpa Harlan...i would be very sad...=( although i dont know him well or have spent extreme amounts of time with him...i know i am one of his favorites (cause everyone is his favorite..but i like tha personalization aspect). He is really the closest I have had to what i would've had as a grandparent if they werent too old and preoccupied to care about me.
i would really like a monthly girls night. We will have to figure out a consistent day that works well for most people most of the time...like first saturday of the month...i think that will really help to not feel so lost sometimes with everyone...and disconnected. And honestly I need a break from being in this house all the time and who better than with my girlfriends!
well i have a list a mile long and the pillow is calling my name!
love you all
chrissi
I went back to Peoria a couple weeks ago to do some photo shoots with a couple of my girlfriends. i realize that i am somewhat unprepared when it comes to doing "natural lighting" with certain backdrops. I would much rather have full control...and there is a way to have a pretty good setup that doesnt require hauling an entire studio lighting set...it is just getting to the point where I can afford to buy it all. One day!
I think that Nat enjoys being here. He doesnt complain about anything...which is unlike him anyway. Its weird, for as much time as we spend in the same house together...i still feel like i never see him.
We are driving to Pennsylvania this weekend to hopefully say his last goodbyes to his grandpa (moms dad) before he passes on. Nat hasnt seen him in 15 years. Its a big step for him to actually go, but I think it is definately more for his mom than himself. I went to a funeral last weekend for my uncle Clyde...he died of almheizers. That disease sucks. So if grandpa meckes dies, that makes 2....and they come in threes -- so I wonder who is next...i TRULY hope not Grandpa Harlan...i would be very sad...=( although i dont know him well or have spent extreme amounts of time with him...i know i am one of his favorites (cause everyone is his favorite..but i like tha personalization aspect). He is really the closest I have had to what i would've had as a grandparent if they werent too old and preoccupied to care about me.
i would really like a monthly girls night. We will have to figure out a consistent day that works well for most people most of the time...like first saturday of the month...i think that will really help to not feel so lost sometimes with everyone...and disconnected. And honestly I need a break from being in this house all the time and who better than with my girlfriends!
well i have a list a mile long and the pillow is calling my name!
love you all
chrissi
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Final day
So it is my final day here at Peoria Journal Star and I will be SO GLAD when this last hour has finally past. On Monday I had a mammagram done (necessary for a surgery I am considering), and tomorrow I go back for them to check a couple spots, basically the squeezing didnt squeeze enough and they are just double checking to make sure everything is ok. It isnt even phasing me, its pointless to cause I cant do anything to change it if it was something more serious. I need to check on my health insurance and make sure that I can switch to doctors in Ohio. its weird because Nat is technically working in Illinois. Accenture, his company, is very supportive of his move and even trying to get him a job based in Cincinnati. There was one posted at P&G but I am not sure what it is for.
Tomorrow I am taking off work, so today is technically my last day. I am so tired and wore out that I may need to sleep in for a LONG time once we get to Cincinnati. This move has been such an emotional rollercoaster and I am wore out from all the stress and work and worry. I will be so glad when at least the moving part is over...then there is finding a job..and settling in--then eventually having to move again...but at least its a year out (at least).
My wrist have been killing me today. They are burning and hot...I think I have the beginning onsets of carpal tunnel...or some kind of wrist problem. it sucks...cause i will have to work on a computer the rest of my life...and its only going to get worse. I need one of those keyboards like Nat has...origami or something =)
I dropped my car off this morning to the dealer to get some maintanence done so I had to get a shuttle to drop me off at work...i really hope that they get here by 4:30 so I can leave asap. I am supposed to go to Pumpkin Festival tonight to see Sandy for the last time (till I return) and also need to wash the dogs, finish up some last minute packing up and figure out where we are going to sleep on Friday night (because the mattress will be in the uhaul)...
I have been so bored at work for the last couple weeks that it has made this process DRAG on even more...if feels like its been MONTHS and its only been DAYS...
I went back to OB dr on tuesday to check my ovaries again (remember I had busted cyst a month of so ago--it is still bothering me, but the pain has migrated a little north). They did the transvaginal sonogram and she said everything looked fine and the doctor is supposed to call me with more details results....i heard nothing yet....ugh
28 minutes!!! its TORTURE!!!!
all well...everything is cleaned out and I am ready to get outta here.
I need to make a Margaritas Date with kati bird...that is definately something I am looking forward to.
oh funny thing...
Nat and I move on Saturday, Sunday we unpack, Monday he sets up his office and tues, wed and thurs nights the CARDINALS are playing CINCINNATI....i have a HAPPY HUSBAND....cause now instead of driving 3 hours to see them play, he only has to drive 30 minutes....although I am sure we can manage one STL trip in there (jsut as long as they ARE NOT playing the reds!)
15 minutes!!! COME ON ALREADY!!!
well i will see you all in a couple days!!! come help on sunday..1pm (after church) we will order pizza and have some lifting fun!! Please....
=) love you all!
Mrs.P
Tomorrow I am taking off work, so today is technically my last day. I am so tired and wore out that I may need to sleep in for a LONG time once we get to Cincinnati. This move has been such an emotional rollercoaster and I am wore out from all the stress and work and worry. I will be so glad when at least the moving part is over...then there is finding a job..and settling in--then eventually having to move again...but at least its a year out (at least).
My wrist have been killing me today. They are burning and hot...I think I have the beginning onsets of carpal tunnel...or some kind of wrist problem. it sucks...cause i will have to work on a computer the rest of my life...and its only going to get worse. I need one of those keyboards like Nat has...origami or something =)
I dropped my car off this morning to the dealer to get some maintanence done so I had to get a shuttle to drop me off at work...i really hope that they get here by 4:30 so I can leave asap. I am supposed to go to Pumpkin Festival tonight to see Sandy for the last time (till I return) and also need to wash the dogs, finish up some last minute packing up and figure out where we are going to sleep on Friday night (because the mattress will be in the uhaul)...
I have been so bored at work for the last couple weeks that it has made this process DRAG on even more...if feels like its been MONTHS and its only been DAYS...
I went back to OB dr on tuesday to check my ovaries again (remember I had busted cyst a month of so ago--it is still bothering me, but the pain has migrated a little north). They did the transvaginal sonogram and she said everything looked fine and the doctor is supposed to call me with more details results....i heard nothing yet....ugh
28 minutes!!! its TORTURE!!!!
all well...everything is cleaned out and I am ready to get outta here.
I need to make a Margaritas Date with kati bird...that is definately something I am looking forward to.
oh funny thing...
Nat and I move on Saturday, Sunday we unpack, Monday he sets up his office and tues, wed and thurs nights the CARDINALS are playing CINCINNATI....i have a HAPPY HUSBAND....cause now instead of driving 3 hours to see them play, he only has to drive 30 minutes....although I am sure we can manage one STL trip in there (jsut as long as they ARE NOT playing the reds!)
15 minutes!!! COME ON ALREADY!!!
well i will see you all in a couple days!!! come help on sunday..1pm (after church) we will order pizza and have some lifting fun!! Please....
=) love you all!
Mrs.P
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
waiting....SUCKS!
So we made a decision to move, in less than a week we had all the kinks ironed out...now is the waiting..it sucks. I do not want to work anymore, because my head is somewhere TOTALLY and definately NOT HERE! I am tired..I am stressed out...and yesterday I thought we had SO much to do, but in fact, we are really ahead of schedule. That makes the waiting even more difficult. We could seriously move this weekend if we had the truck to move it. We have everything packed, and if its not packed, its because we are still using it. It wont take long to load and leave....get a couple boys over there and we are good to go....and yet we still have to wait....and being tired doesnt help!
less than two weeks...10 days actually...its unbelievable.
and i am tired!
less than two weeks...10 days actually...its unbelievable.
and i am tired!
Friday, August 29, 2008
Its Official!!!
So we are officially moving to Cincinnati. We need to be out of our house by the 15th...of september!! So we will be packing and getting a u-haul and be moved into cheryl's house by then. My last day here at the Journal Star is September 12th. We will be renting out the house to a couple for a year that is building a new house in the spring, but sold their old house. So that is awesome for us because we have someone pay our mortgage so we can move, and when we sell next year we wont have to worry about the capital gain and will have way more equity in it to invest into new house. I am seriously dumbfounded about how seamless and quick this has been. We decided LESS than 2 weeks ago. It is a slight burden off my shoulders, but it will be alot better once I get to there and can settle in a bit.
As far as my job, I am thinking I will probably go in and talk to Mesh and give them my application and start there October 1. I dont anticipate having an issue, plus I know there is money to be made, especially during the holidays. I also talked to the photographer here in Peoria and he is going to give me some mentoring to help me get started there--and maybe we can come up with some other arrangements for me to do some weddings on the side...most likely the more long-distance ones...who knows! I am pretty flexible right now and I life like that. It will be interesting to see if I like serving again, or if i would prefer the more 9-5 gig (although now I dont care so much for it). It will also test my marriage because Nat will be working days, and me nights and weekends (most likely) and I will have to sacrifice some quality time with him till i figure some things out. But as long as I am bringing in some money, I dont think he will mind.
I am very excited to see everyone this weekend. Especially Abbi, since I havent seen her in over 2 years...girl! that is way too long! I think Abbi really needs some friend love!
Of course Nats family is very shocked and scared and disappointed. But I seriously agree with Nat that this is a good move for us in a lot of ways. We will have to live with Cheryl for more than a year, but we will see how that pans out. It will take some adjusting, but I think it will be awesome! nat has plans for remodeling, etc..
Thats all i know for now....and I am still trying to adjust and get things done...it is going to be a BUSY, STRESSFUl couple weeks!!
love you all
Mrs. P
As far as my job, I am thinking I will probably go in and talk to Mesh and give them my application and start there October 1. I dont anticipate having an issue, plus I know there is money to be made, especially during the holidays. I also talked to the photographer here in Peoria and he is going to give me some mentoring to help me get started there--and maybe we can come up with some other arrangements for me to do some weddings on the side...most likely the more long-distance ones...who knows! I am pretty flexible right now and I life like that. It will be interesting to see if I like serving again, or if i would prefer the more 9-5 gig (although now I dont care so much for it). It will also test my marriage because Nat will be working days, and me nights and weekends (most likely) and I will have to sacrifice some quality time with him till i figure some things out. But as long as I am bringing in some money, I dont think he will mind.
I am very excited to see everyone this weekend. Especially Abbi, since I havent seen her in over 2 years...girl! that is way too long! I think Abbi really needs some friend love!
Of course Nats family is very shocked and scared and disappointed. But I seriously agree with Nat that this is a good move for us in a lot of ways. We will have to live with Cheryl for more than a year, but we will see how that pans out. It will take some adjusting, but I think it will be awesome! nat has plans for remodeling, etc..
Thats all i know for now....and I am still trying to adjust and get things done...it is going to be a BUSY, STRESSFUl couple weeks!!
love you all
Mrs. P
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
my hubby loves me
nat sent this to me a while back and i printed it out, hung it on my wall and it is also my desktop image...apparently it really meant a lot!! he may not do things like this very often, but when he does...he does it PERFECT!
nat sent this to me a while back and i printed it out, hung it on my wall and it is also my desktop image...apparently it really meant a lot!! he may not do things like this very often, but when he does...he does it PERFECT!
nat sent this to me a while back and i printed it out, hung it on my wall and it is also my desktop image...apparently it really meant a lot!! he may not do things like this very often, but when he does...he does it PERFECT!
Friday, August 22, 2008
what you have all been waiting for.....
It all started on sunday on the ride home. I did not say anything to prompt the conversation, somehow it just happened. We talked about it thoroughly and Nat had pretty much already made up his mind. On Monday, Nat searched around and made initiative to talk to several people, on Tuesday he talked to his boss at work about figuring out how it would work, and basically because they love him, everything was approved DEFINATELY by thursday.
Basically Nat and I have decided to move to Cincinnati.
Nat will keep his current job for now and just work from home (whereever that may be, whether in Peoria or Cincinnati). He can start doing that as early as September 1. He is so excited about it, and so am i. He is eager for the change and expecting the best. Apparently he saw while we were there over the weekend that I seemed like a different person, his word was "lively" and he likes me like that. He finally met someone that was in his field that could help him navigate the job market (although he will be staying at his current job, it will help in the long run). I think he finally could see himself there, not just for me, but for him.
We both agree that now is the time to move and this is the best scenerio. There is no rush to find a new job and move (for him), he can stay here until everything is a green light here. He doesn't have to start a new job and rush into moving and being stressed about starting fresh, but will continue doing what he loves and since he will be working from home, we dont have to try to figure out how to get him a more reliable vehicle. We will move in with Cheryl for the time being and he has plans to help her renovate her house (we will see...).
I, of course, will have to find a new job, and i am debating on what i really want to do. Get back into a 9-5 career or branch out and start the business. I had a meeting with a photographer here in Peoria yesterday as we discussed my future in his company, I am hoping to still have a chance to work with him, just to build up my confidence and skill level before/if I decide to go out on my own. That is really the part that is bittersweet. I have this amazing oppurtunity in front of me to get into my field and to grow in my experience and abililties. It sorta sucks to have to not take it as fully as i thought, but still hoping that I can get enough life lessons under my belt and a friend co-photographer to help me get started when I get to Cincinnati (so I can drag Cheryl and Cindy around as my second cameras!). We will have to see how that goes. I am excited however to get out of my current job, as much as a cake job it is...its not fulfilling or challenging anymore. I am OF COURSE THRILLED to be coming home to my family and friends and rejoining in our life journey. I am so excited for you all to really get to know Nat and love him (if only because he loves me!! cant you see how much now!???!?!) I think I will be more comfortable and less terrified of starting to build our family and have kids, knowing I have such an incredible support system in driving distance! There are so many pros to this scenario, the timing, the way it all came about. And as excited as I am, I think Nat is MORE excited!
It has been an overwhelming week...thinking about, waiting for definate answers, trying to keep my head level and stay in reality, but everything has fallen into place seamlessly and without a hitch. But it is only the first step. The biggest dilemna we have is selling the house. We still need to do some final retouching and finish work. I need to clean it really good and take pictures to post. We need to find out about the capital gain crap and decide if we want to sell or rent it out. Although the move seems to be inevitable, the when aspect is all contingent on selling the house. So in that area is where we need the prayers...that someone will come along as they did in Tremont and sell it quickly and for what we need to get out of it.
As soon as we sell the house, the sooner we will be there. If it takes a year to sell, it will be a year...and I am not sure I can really wait that long. I am surprizingly very grounded even though it could take that long, I am of course in much anticipation, but seeing how it has been up to this point, I have no doubt that it is what we are supposed to do and everything else will fall into place as well.
We have already told Ken and Vanessa but will be telling Hope and Steve tonight. I am not sure how she will take it. Ken and Vanessa are quasi-supportive, of course they dont want to see us go. I know it will break Hopes heart because she so wants to be around her kids. I really do believe that this is the best thing for both of us, Nat and me. I will be excited to see how we grow as a couple and become more in love through this. We have already been through so much, I seriously doubt anything will weaken us at this point, but only make us stronger and better!
So there is the news. it is exciting , scary, fantastic and adventerous and although it is pretty much definate, it is still contingent on selling the house....so dust off your prayers and get to it!
LOVE YOU ALL!!! SEE YOU (more often) VERY SOON!!
Mrs. P
Basically Nat and I have decided to move to Cincinnati.
Nat will keep his current job for now and just work from home (whereever that may be, whether in Peoria or Cincinnati). He can start doing that as early as September 1. He is so excited about it, and so am i. He is eager for the change and expecting the best. Apparently he saw while we were there over the weekend that I seemed like a different person, his word was "lively" and he likes me like that. He finally met someone that was in his field that could help him navigate the job market (although he will be staying at his current job, it will help in the long run). I think he finally could see himself there, not just for me, but for him.
We both agree that now is the time to move and this is the best scenerio. There is no rush to find a new job and move (for him), he can stay here until everything is a green light here. He doesn't have to start a new job and rush into moving and being stressed about starting fresh, but will continue doing what he loves and since he will be working from home, we dont have to try to figure out how to get him a more reliable vehicle. We will move in with Cheryl for the time being and he has plans to help her renovate her house (we will see...).
I, of course, will have to find a new job, and i am debating on what i really want to do. Get back into a 9-5 career or branch out and start the business. I had a meeting with a photographer here in Peoria yesterday as we discussed my future in his company, I am hoping to still have a chance to work with him, just to build up my confidence and skill level before/if I decide to go out on my own. That is really the part that is bittersweet. I have this amazing oppurtunity in front of me to get into my field and to grow in my experience and abililties. It sorta sucks to have to not take it as fully as i thought, but still hoping that I can get enough life lessons under my belt and a friend co-photographer to help me get started when I get to Cincinnati (so I can drag Cheryl and Cindy around as my second cameras!). We will have to see how that goes. I am excited however to get out of my current job, as much as a cake job it is...its not fulfilling or challenging anymore. I am OF COURSE THRILLED to be coming home to my family and friends and rejoining in our life journey. I am so excited for you all to really get to know Nat and love him (if only because he loves me!! cant you see how much now!???!?!) I think I will be more comfortable and less terrified of starting to build our family and have kids, knowing I have such an incredible support system in driving distance! There are so many pros to this scenario, the timing, the way it all came about. And as excited as I am, I think Nat is MORE excited!
It has been an overwhelming week...thinking about, waiting for definate answers, trying to keep my head level and stay in reality, but everything has fallen into place seamlessly and without a hitch. But it is only the first step. The biggest dilemna we have is selling the house. We still need to do some final retouching and finish work. I need to clean it really good and take pictures to post. We need to find out about the capital gain crap and decide if we want to sell or rent it out. Although the move seems to be inevitable, the when aspect is all contingent on selling the house. So in that area is where we need the prayers...that someone will come along as they did in Tremont and sell it quickly and for what we need to get out of it.
As soon as we sell the house, the sooner we will be there. If it takes a year to sell, it will be a year...and I am not sure I can really wait that long. I am surprizingly very grounded even though it could take that long, I am of course in much anticipation, but seeing how it has been up to this point, I have no doubt that it is what we are supposed to do and everything else will fall into place as well.
We have already told Ken and Vanessa but will be telling Hope and Steve tonight. I am not sure how she will take it. Ken and Vanessa are quasi-supportive, of course they dont want to see us go. I know it will break Hopes heart because she so wants to be around her kids. I really do believe that this is the best thing for both of us, Nat and me. I will be excited to see how we grow as a couple and become more in love through this. We have already been through so much, I seriously doubt anything will weaken us at this point, but only make us stronger and better!
So there is the news. it is exciting , scary, fantastic and adventerous and although it is pretty much definate, it is still contingent on selling the house....so dust off your prayers and get to it!
LOVE YOU ALL!!! SEE YOU (more often) VERY SOON!!
Mrs. P
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Don't get TOO excited ....YET
So it has been killing me to try to keep from writing this post until everything was settled and a firm decision was made. My husband is wonderful!
There are still alot of loopholes, and delays to look forward to, but up to this point things have been running very smoothly. Just keep the prayer lines open because it has worked wonders up to this point.
I thought i was going to write this blog with the sharing of our news, but I am tired and I think I will wait for tomorrow! hahahah
So you will just have to wait...but trust me...you will LOVE IT!!
There are still alot of loopholes, and delays to look forward to, but up to this point things have been running very smoothly. Just keep the prayer lines open because it has worked wonders up to this point.
I thought i was going to write this blog with the sharing of our news, but I am tired and I think I will wait for tomorrow! hahahah
So you will just have to wait...but trust me...you will LOVE IT!!
just the best of the best....
it can only get better!!!
I AM SO EXCITED! I JUST CANT HIDE IT! I AM GOING TO LOSE CONTROL AND I THINK I LIKE IT!!!
one thing down, several more roadbumps to go....
did i mention how FABULOUS my husband is?
I AM SO EXCITED! I JUST CANT HIDE IT! I AM GOING TO LOSE CONTROL AND I THINK I LIKE IT!!!
one thing down, several more roadbumps to go....
did i mention how FABULOUS my husband is?
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
bittersweet
So i have a tough situation that I am going through. I need all the prayers you can muster up. I am someone that is pretty good with change, but that doesnt necessarily make it easy. I think the next couple months will be scary and sad and exciting and adventerous! I am finally going to start venturing into a new (yet old) profession. I will take on the experience with excitement and a little bittersweetness. It is something that i have longed to do for quite a while and now I finally get to try my hand at it, but I know it will be short-lived. But regardless what the future holds, I have to take this moment and learn and grow in it....because ultimately it will make me stronger person, and give me experience that will make me better in my chosen profession. TImes are tough...my company (the cake job) is basically going bankrupt -- and currently it doesnt scare me, cause frankly I dont think i will be there long enough to see it. Change is always scary..you come to a place that you have to start over and rebuild from almost scratch, then it always seems like when you finally have your feet knee-deep in the gunk..something happens and you get ripped out and have to start over all over again. Starting over isnt always bad, sometimes it is exactly what you want, takes you exactly where you want to be...but still isnt easy to do. Sometimes i feel like it would be easier to go back to high school and have no worries and not have to make big lofty life-changing decisions...but as i said..change isnt always bad, and honestly it rarely ever is. i am lucky to have such a wonderful, loving, supportive husband. My heart truly desires that you there could see him as i see him...see how much he loves and adores me and basically do anything in his power to make me happy. my heart is thrilled to have someone in my life that can see me--know me--and still love me despite myself.
Life is heart-breaking sometimes. People come in and out of your life for reasons you can only see in hinds sight. I have been lucky to keep most of those amazing people fairly close by. I am thankful for those friends that tell me how it is or how they think they see it because they love me and want the best for me. it is much harder to be on the other end of that spectrum...not knowing how to react, not knowing what to say --and having no control over making the pain go away. It breaks my heart to see people hurting...and it sucks even more when there is nothing I can do to make it better. I guess that is a ting of peace-maker in me.
I am asking that you pray..because if I believe in anything, it is the power of prayer. I want you to pray that everything will fall into place. That this new transition will be seamless and leave no doubt of it being the correct path. I want you to pray that I have wisdom in my decisions and that i could have the words to help and heal. Pray that the doors will open wide, that no one gets hurt in the process and that I could regain some sort of vision for my life, my purpose, my career, my love, and that I will truly find something that makes me happy.
I know I am talking in circles...but you can trust me.....
Life is heart-breaking sometimes. People come in and out of your life for reasons you can only see in hinds sight. I have been lucky to keep most of those amazing people fairly close by. I am thankful for those friends that tell me how it is or how they think they see it because they love me and want the best for me. it is much harder to be on the other end of that spectrum...not knowing how to react, not knowing what to say --and having no control over making the pain go away. It breaks my heart to see people hurting...and it sucks even more when there is nothing I can do to make it better. I guess that is a ting of peace-maker in me.
I am asking that you pray..because if I believe in anything, it is the power of prayer. I want you to pray that everything will fall into place. That this new transition will be seamless and leave no doubt of it being the correct path. I want you to pray that I have wisdom in my decisions and that i could have the words to help and heal. Pray that the doors will open wide, that no one gets hurt in the process and that I could regain some sort of vision for my life, my purpose, my career, my love, and that I will truly find something that makes me happy.
I know I am talking in circles...but you can trust me.....
Monday, August 18, 2008
i am here....
So i really wanted to write on thursday last week, but in order to get friday off i had to make sure all my work was done...and the work just never stopped coming in...so sorry to that one person that stayed up all night with her insomnia and blamed me for it!
I really have a LOT on my mind today. There has been alot of things that have happened, with family and friends and even decisions that need to be made. I am not sure what is going to happen...and frankly i am scared, uneasy and excited! This weekend has been a whirlwind of emotional uneasiness, hopeful thoughts and just not having words to say, knowing what to do or having sound and wise advice to give.
Its funny that life gets to a point that you climb above the pile of chaos and for a glimpse can see the horizon and stand on top with the wind in your hair...then all of a sudden, out of no where, with no warning, you loose your footing and end up on your back looking back up the towering pile of chaos..wondering to yourself if you will ever regain the strength to climb up it again...but i remember the view on top...surreal!
We really have a habit on our group of friends to share thoughts and feeling with metaphors that people may or may not understand. I find it humorous.
I must say that the game was AWESOME!!! It was so nice to hang out with a group of people that you can truly be yourself around and talk to and just be with. I really do miss it. I know it wouldnt be like it is when i come for the weekend if I would ever move back...but there is just something about being close enough to people that you care about. I truly do have the most amazing people in my life. There is just not enough time in a weekend to feel like I have had quality time with everyone...most of the time on my ride home I think about who i may have not talked to enough..or wishing I had more time.
I am feeling more grounded here in Peoria. I have one good friend and some open door oppurtunities that have get to flourish. My job is cake and I enjoy it---i am basically a clip art queen....but i am good at what I do, which gives me some satisfaction. I am pretty content. I think I have learned to not hold on so tightly to my comfort zone and let it go. For the first couple years I was so focused on what I was missing out on in Cincinnati and waiting to get out of here that I didnt try as hard as i could have. I really feel like I have stepped out and made an effort here....and I am really proud of myself. Now I feel like I can conquer the world no matter where I am.
(this is for sarah craynon) I have liked chocolate most of my life. Chocolate has been really good, but there was a point where chocolate just wasnt enough anymore. I really want to try something different, so I sampled some dark chocolate, and that is nasty, and white chocolate is ok, but nothing quite compares to milk chocolate. Then someone introduced me to caramel...and I fell in love with it. it was so creamy and delicious. I wanted to eat caramel all the time and I really thought I had passed over the chocolate addiction until once in a while i wanted chocolate. Then I thought, what if I can mix chocolate with caramel, that would be the ultimate satisfaction! It would work in theory, but I didnt have the resources to make that happen. So I continued to really grow to love and adore caramel alone, and made it a point to eat chocolate as much as i could. Now, although I really love chocolate, I tend to eat more and more caramel, and honestly I dont mind it...it is tasting almost as good as chocolate. Chocolate will always have a place in my heart, and if I could put caramel and chocolate together, I would be a happy happy girl...even though I like them just the same seperately. But I see a glimpse in the future, and a promising hope that my desire will come -- and if everything works out then chocolate and caramel can always be together....I can have the best of both worlds!! so maybe, just maybe, one day it will happen! (hahahhahahaha -- love your metaphors, had to play along!)
thats it for now...i need to get some work done...
Mrs. P
I really have a LOT on my mind today. There has been alot of things that have happened, with family and friends and even decisions that need to be made. I am not sure what is going to happen...and frankly i am scared, uneasy and excited! This weekend has been a whirlwind of emotional uneasiness, hopeful thoughts and just not having words to say, knowing what to do or having sound and wise advice to give.
Its funny that life gets to a point that you climb above the pile of chaos and for a glimpse can see the horizon and stand on top with the wind in your hair...then all of a sudden, out of no where, with no warning, you loose your footing and end up on your back looking back up the towering pile of chaos..wondering to yourself if you will ever regain the strength to climb up it again...but i remember the view on top...surreal!
We really have a habit on our group of friends to share thoughts and feeling with metaphors that people may or may not understand. I find it humorous.
I must say that the game was AWESOME!!! It was so nice to hang out with a group of people that you can truly be yourself around and talk to and just be with. I really do miss it. I know it wouldnt be like it is when i come for the weekend if I would ever move back...but there is just something about being close enough to people that you care about. I truly do have the most amazing people in my life. There is just not enough time in a weekend to feel like I have had quality time with everyone...most of the time on my ride home I think about who i may have not talked to enough..or wishing I had more time.
I am feeling more grounded here in Peoria. I have one good friend and some open door oppurtunities that have get to flourish. My job is cake and I enjoy it---i am basically a clip art queen....but i am good at what I do, which gives me some satisfaction. I am pretty content. I think I have learned to not hold on so tightly to my comfort zone and let it go. For the first couple years I was so focused on what I was missing out on in Cincinnati and waiting to get out of here that I didnt try as hard as i could have. I really feel like I have stepped out and made an effort here....and I am really proud of myself. Now I feel like I can conquer the world no matter where I am.
(this is for sarah craynon) I have liked chocolate most of my life. Chocolate has been really good, but there was a point where chocolate just wasnt enough anymore. I really want to try something different, so I sampled some dark chocolate, and that is nasty, and white chocolate is ok, but nothing quite compares to milk chocolate. Then someone introduced me to caramel...and I fell in love with it. it was so creamy and delicious. I wanted to eat caramel all the time and I really thought I had passed over the chocolate addiction until once in a while i wanted chocolate. Then I thought, what if I can mix chocolate with caramel, that would be the ultimate satisfaction! It would work in theory, but I didnt have the resources to make that happen. So I continued to really grow to love and adore caramel alone, and made it a point to eat chocolate as much as i could. Now, although I really love chocolate, I tend to eat more and more caramel, and honestly I dont mind it...it is tasting almost as good as chocolate. Chocolate will always have a place in my heart, and if I could put caramel and chocolate together, I would be a happy happy girl...even though I like them just the same seperately. But I see a glimpse in the future, and a promising hope that my desire will come -- and if everything works out then chocolate and caramel can always be together....I can have the best of both worlds!! so maybe, just maybe, one day it will happen! (hahahhahahaha -- love your metaphors, had to play along!)
thats it for now...i need to get some work done...
Mrs. P
Thursday, August 14, 2008
i will i promise
I am SO in the mood to blog today, and i need to and i will....just give me a minute! I am actually kind of busy at work...shocking i know!
Monday, August 04, 2008
UPDATE REDS/CARDINALS GAME
Two weeks until the game!!! and I am still waiting on some money and PEOPLE...(see below).
Below is again the CONFIRMED LIST:
1. Chrissi Pflederer
2. Nat Pflederer
3. Amber Tillison
4. Phil Tillison
5. Cheryl Bond
6. Cindy Tucker
7. Sarah Nunery
8. Ben Nunery
9. Becky Palmieri
10. James Palmieri
11. Sarah Craynon
12. Rachel (Sarah Nunery)
13. Stephanie (Cindy Tucker)
14. Emma Gibbons
15. John "Gibbons"
16. Carol Bond
17. Kaitlyn Palmieri
18. Jimi Bird
19. Katie Bird
20.Sarah Ralston
21. Trevor--hahahah I mean, TRAVIS (Sarah Ralston)
22. Kaitlyn Palmieri Friend
23.
24.
25.
PAID
I have three tickets available if you know of ANYONE that wants to come...
Thanks
Below is again the CONFIRMED LIST:
1. Chrissi Pflederer
2. Nat Pflederer
3. Amber Tillison
4. Phil Tillison
5. Cheryl Bond
6. Cindy Tucker
7. Sarah Nunery
8. Ben Nunery
9. Becky Palmieri
10. James Palmieri
11. Sarah Craynon
12. Rachel (Sarah Nunery)
13. Stephanie (Cindy Tucker)
14. Emma Gibbons
15. John "Gibbons"
16. Carol Bond
17. Kaitlyn Palmieri
18. Jimi Bird
19. Katie Bird
20.Sarah Ralston
21. Trevor--hahahah I mean, TRAVIS (Sarah Ralston)
22. Kaitlyn Palmieri Friend
23.
24.
25.
PAID
I have three tickets available if you know of ANYONE that wants to come...
Thanks
Friday, July 11, 2008
say something
ugh! i know you have something to say about it....so SAY SOMETHING...am I hard to talk to?
i must be the most difficult person to be friends with...
i must be the most difficult person to be friends with...
I am sitting here and cant even think of what to write about. I have plenty on my mind, but it all seems so redundant...like i have gone over it a thousand times. As I said earlier, I am quite introspective. It is sometimes pretty irritating. I am thinking about myself and where I want to be and what I want to do. I dont like to wait for other people to take action or stop my life so that they can live theirs. I want to get on with my life. I am SICK of waiting...makes me comotose.
Nothing interesting happens in my life.
I like to have a plan. A weekly plan, a 5 year plan, a 10 year plan....I like each and every minute of my day packed full with SOMETHING--otherwise i am bored. I think i need counseling! I am a dabbler. I never fully commit to one thing or another, I dabble in everything. I like the variety of having different interests, maybe I am ADD. It is good and bad...one bad is that I am not an expert at anything, the good is that I have a little taste of everything.
Does everything just click one day? Will it all make sense? Will we wake up with a sense of adventure, purpose, destiny and be utterly fulfilled? God I hope one day it just happens.
What to do? What can I do to remedy my issues? I can go to a shrink that will reinerate the things I know I need to do. I have a problem with ultimate extremes. I am an all or nothing person in most regards. It is hard for me to find the balance...i need more balance.
I think I need a mini-trip. last weekend was nice, but not nearly enough...i want to be around my girls....although introspective, i want to be in the company of people that love me. To delve into deep and spiritual conversations...to feel connected to something.
I will ground myself one way or another...somewhere. Sandy is trying to convince me to join Junior League. Its like a service sorority. It may be a good way to find new friends and get involved in the community. I am going to church on Sunday by God, its been too long coming, and I ache for it so I figure now is a good time...rather go when I want, then when I dont.
Sandy and I are good friends. I love her. We have a lot in common. We get together and talk about our lives, encourage a healthy direction in life and laugh at each other. She is my God-send...my sanity...if it wasnt for her, I would be CRAZY.
I dont consider myself much of a talker. I dont talk to hear myself or talk about stupid crap and gossip just to have something to say. But I enjoy conversation. I wish I knew how to do it better. Maybe I should go to a socializing class. I was thinking about how I am with clients on a shoot. I have nothing interesting to say to spark conversation or put them at ease...it is nerve-wracking to be in silence sometimes. I think I need practice. I have been silent and in the shadows for so long, that I just need some major practice. If you think about my life and what I do, I dont have much oppurtunity to talk to people, not chat, but really talk. Sandy filled that void to a certain extent, but I cant rely on her for everything.
I was chatting with mom a couple weeks ago and she was reflecting on how I have certain people for certain aspects of my life. People that know me deeply in one way or another, but dont know each other, or other aspects. So no one person knows everything about me, but put them all in the same room, they might not know they are all talking about the same person. I like it...so I have Sandy, my married friend that can relate to me on a husband level, and a slight spiritual level (havent went into that much)...and Moni I guess is my crazy party friend...yeah i have more spots open...i think I will need to invest into more friends.
People should stop having low self-worth, it is irritating sometimes.
Am i saying anything worthy? interesting or anything? hell, I am not even funny right now....i am semi-comotose. Only a couple more hours to go before I get to leave. I really hope that I always get paid weekly...cause it really is the only thing that gets me through the week.
c.ALIce
Nothing interesting happens in my life.
I like to have a plan. A weekly plan, a 5 year plan, a 10 year plan....I like each and every minute of my day packed full with SOMETHING--otherwise i am bored. I think i need counseling! I am a dabbler. I never fully commit to one thing or another, I dabble in everything. I like the variety of having different interests, maybe I am ADD. It is good and bad...one bad is that I am not an expert at anything, the good is that I have a little taste of everything.
Does everything just click one day? Will it all make sense? Will we wake up with a sense of adventure, purpose, destiny and be utterly fulfilled? God I hope one day it just happens.
What to do? What can I do to remedy my issues? I can go to a shrink that will reinerate the things I know I need to do. I have a problem with ultimate extremes. I am an all or nothing person in most regards. It is hard for me to find the balance...i need more balance.
I think I need a mini-trip. last weekend was nice, but not nearly enough...i want to be around my girls....although introspective, i want to be in the company of people that love me. To delve into deep and spiritual conversations...to feel connected to something.
I will ground myself one way or another...somewhere. Sandy is trying to convince me to join Junior League. Its like a service sorority. It may be a good way to find new friends and get involved in the community. I am going to church on Sunday by God, its been too long coming, and I ache for it so I figure now is a good time...rather go when I want, then when I dont.
Sandy and I are good friends. I love her. We have a lot in common. We get together and talk about our lives, encourage a healthy direction in life and laugh at each other. She is my God-send...my sanity...if it wasnt for her, I would be CRAZY.
I dont consider myself much of a talker. I dont talk to hear myself or talk about stupid crap and gossip just to have something to say. But I enjoy conversation. I wish I knew how to do it better. Maybe I should go to a socializing class. I was thinking about how I am with clients on a shoot. I have nothing interesting to say to spark conversation or put them at ease...it is nerve-wracking to be in silence sometimes. I think I need practice. I have been silent and in the shadows for so long, that I just need some major practice. If you think about my life and what I do, I dont have much oppurtunity to talk to people, not chat, but really talk. Sandy filled that void to a certain extent, but I cant rely on her for everything.
I was chatting with mom a couple weeks ago and she was reflecting on how I have certain people for certain aspects of my life. People that know me deeply in one way or another, but dont know each other, or other aspects. So no one person knows everything about me, but put them all in the same room, they might not know they are all talking about the same person. I like it...so I have Sandy, my married friend that can relate to me on a husband level, and a slight spiritual level (havent went into that much)...and Moni I guess is my crazy party friend...yeah i have more spots open...i think I will need to invest into more friends.
People should stop having low self-worth, it is irritating sometimes.
Am i saying anything worthy? interesting or anything? hell, I am not even funny right now....i am semi-comotose. Only a couple more hours to go before I get to leave. I really hope that I always get paid weekly...cause it really is the only thing that gets me through the week.
c.ALIce
bad blogger....those that leave no comment!
i am bored again! what is it about friday afternoons and utter boredom?? I am introspective lately...guess its time again to change. I decided to come play next weekend. I am not sure what time I will be there, it most likely wont be till 10 or 11 (hope you are not all wiped out by then). I am hoping that SOMEHOW I will get some blue ice cream while I am there...anyone have any ideas? Who all is coming to this Slumber Party? Do I need to bring anything?
I am trying to pay down debt. I have one credit card that I plan to pay off this year (and there are many more to follow)...it gets really frustrating, I just want them to not exist. My plan was to get out of debt totally (at least credit cards) before the thought of having a baby, but honestly I want to have kids now. I am turning 30 this year, and honestly I dont want to have kids when I am in my 40s---i want all my babies before I am 35. I have no control over it, which is really frustrating. I dont even know if it is possible for me (or Nat) to even concieve. Lots of talks about babies lately...but obviously its on the brain.
I am bored -- i want something to challenge, entertain, consume me and give my life some glimpse of purpose. Being raised Baptist really does a number on your value sometimes...those that were will understand.
I think I am on the verge of extreme behavior. Right now I am so fed-up and disgusted that I am about to take matters into my own hands to get things done. It wont be pretty, but actually in my opinion it will!! =)
I am trying to pay down debt. I have one credit card that I plan to pay off this year (and there are many more to follow)...it gets really frustrating, I just want them to not exist. My plan was to get out of debt totally (at least credit cards) before the thought of having a baby, but honestly I want to have kids now. I am turning 30 this year, and honestly I dont want to have kids when I am in my 40s---i want all my babies before I am 35. I have no control over it, which is really frustrating. I dont even know if it is possible for me (or Nat) to even concieve. Lots of talks about babies lately...but obviously its on the brain.
I am bored -- i want something to challenge, entertain, consume me and give my life some glimpse of purpose. Being raised Baptist really does a number on your value sometimes...those that were will understand.
I think I am on the verge of extreme behavior. Right now I am so fed-up and disgusted that I am about to take matters into my own hands to get things done. It wont be pretty, but actually in my opinion it will!! =)
Monday, July 07, 2008
the weekend
Thanks to all those that paid for tickets so far....much appreciated!
this weekend we went to mom's house for fourth of july. the entire family ends up coming and mom with her 11 brothers and sisters, and their kids, and their kids kids and their kids kids kids....yes...four generations of family...i would say there was at least 200 people there if not more. I will post some pictures when I get them off my camera. It is a long ass drive to get there. Nearly 9 hours. I drive down there and Nat drove back. If it wasnt for the long drive, it would be a much better weekend, but I suppose once a year isnt so bad. The weekend is exhausting because of the sleeping arrangements. Its hard to sleep in another bed other than my own, and unsettled dogs dont mix either...although this weekend they were all pretty well behaved. The girls were not allowed to run the hills this time...which minimized the stress of worrying about them all the time. I was hoping that I wouldn't start, but now at least I know for sure I am not pregnant. all well....as Nat says "it will be when its meant to"... Life right now seems all jumbled up. I want to be pregnant and have babies and move on with the next step of life, then I dont, not for sure where life will take me and scared of being tied down with babies. Apparently its not time yet....otherwise I would be. Being in constant preparation of it is somewhat irritating as well. Life has to change when you are pregnant, and never really knowing when you are or arent (except for now i know i am not)---but that only lasts a short while, then its hoping and stressing till i get disappointed/relieved again.
It is scary...no one can tell you its not....and you need a certain amount of planning....but not too much cause then it will never happen. I just am at this crossroads, and feeling more like I am on a tetter-tooter than solid ground. I think too much. I figure I am going to make the most of my life while I still have it!
Work is a little better. Changed my perspective a little bit and became a little more thankful that I have a nice career job that allows me to do something I like to do. Its not perfect, but it is where I am right now. I dont literally jump out of bed with glee and songs, but it pays the bills so we can have a better life in the long run.
Nat is always wonderful...he is nearly perfect in everyway, and I am still working on my thoughts. I think I am just in a rut right now feeling like I never get to spend any quality time with him that is not work. not that i necessarily mind work, but i feel like we need to sorta reconnect, and I am not sure how to do that right now. So I am thinking that I stop thinking for a bit and take some of the stress off it. He just gets the brunt of everything cause when i am stressed or disappointment or depression, and then i feel guilty for giving him the brunt then the guilt and that stress wears me out so that I dont want to even deal with it....its a vicious cycle.
Ulitmately I decide how to live my life. No one is making me miserable, I am just not allowing myself to be happy.
this weekend we went to mom's house for fourth of july. the entire family ends up coming and mom with her 11 brothers and sisters, and their kids, and their kids kids and their kids kids kids....yes...four generations of family...i would say there was at least 200 people there if not more. I will post some pictures when I get them off my camera. It is a long ass drive to get there. Nearly 9 hours. I drive down there and Nat drove back. If it wasnt for the long drive, it would be a much better weekend, but I suppose once a year isnt so bad. The weekend is exhausting because of the sleeping arrangements. Its hard to sleep in another bed other than my own, and unsettled dogs dont mix either...although this weekend they were all pretty well behaved. The girls were not allowed to run the hills this time...which minimized the stress of worrying about them all the time. I was hoping that I wouldn't start, but now at least I know for sure I am not pregnant. all well....as Nat says "it will be when its meant to"... Life right now seems all jumbled up. I want to be pregnant and have babies and move on with the next step of life, then I dont, not for sure where life will take me and scared of being tied down with babies. Apparently its not time yet....otherwise I would be. Being in constant preparation of it is somewhat irritating as well. Life has to change when you are pregnant, and never really knowing when you are or arent (except for now i know i am not)---but that only lasts a short while, then its hoping and stressing till i get disappointed/relieved again.
It is scary...no one can tell you its not....and you need a certain amount of planning....but not too much cause then it will never happen. I just am at this crossroads, and feeling more like I am on a tetter-tooter than solid ground. I think too much. I figure I am going to make the most of my life while I still have it!
Work is a little better. Changed my perspective a little bit and became a little more thankful that I have a nice career job that allows me to do something I like to do. Its not perfect, but it is where I am right now. I dont literally jump out of bed with glee and songs, but it pays the bills so we can have a better life in the long run.
Nat is always wonderful...he is nearly perfect in everyway, and I am still working on my thoughts. I think I am just in a rut right now feeling like I never get to spend any quality time with him that is not work. not that i necessarily mind work, but i feel like we need to sorta reconnect, and I am not sure how to do that right now. So I am thinking that I stop thinking for a bit and take some of the stress off it. He just gets the brunt of everything cause when i am stressed or disappointment or depression, and then i feel guilty for giving him the brunt then the guilt and that stress wears me out so that I dont want to even deal with it....its a vicious cycle.
Ulitmately I decide how to live my life. No one is making me miserable, I am just not allowing myself to be happy.
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Hump Day
I am so freaking excited!! I am leaving tomorrow to go to Kentucky for the weekend. I need a vacation from all this drama in life. I think the stress is making me so tired. Last night I got home directly after work, grabbed a bite to eat and was in bed by 6pm. Granted I was restless so I didnt get to sleep till 8pm, but even though my mind was going a million miles a minute, my body would not move. Today I decided to take a full day tomorrow rather than a half day tomorrow. I have been so bored this week that I figure it would be a waste of time to come in for 4 hours --- I have a list of things I could be doing instead. Maybe we could even leave tonight, but I doubt it. We have an MUCH NEEDED oil change scheduled for tomorrow at 12:30pm. I am sure we can go to some jiffy lube place though if we really wanted to leave.
Today we have our monthly ad contest. I won last month (May), and then won again for the month of June. So basically I dont have to take any vacation time to have tomorrow off....its FREE! That makes me feel even better. Little boost of self confidence just for winning.
I wrote another email to what's her name...I just dont understand why its so difficult. I am trying not to think about it. It really is frustrating.
So I am working on the menu for Sid's new restaurant. I think it will be fun! Little extra money on the side. I am also doing fairly well with my other project. I made a little money with it, nothing too extravagant, but more than I had! I figured I would let it sit in the bank till I decide what I was going to use it for.
I am pretty peaceful today. I think I really need to sleep all day yesterday. I also have something to look forward to for the weekend. I want to get back into church. I really think that may be my missing link. I have always known that. I even know which one I want to go to. I just have to remember that no one will be like Dave Workman, and that no church is perfect. I have to change my mindset a bit. It is about getting back into communion with God, thats what I really want...and creating a community that I can grow up with.
Today we have our monthly ad contest. I won last month (May), and then won again for the month of June. So basically I dont have to take any vacation time to have tomorrow off....its FREE! That makes me feel even better. Little boost of self confidence just for winning.
I wrote another email to what's her name...I just dont understand why its so difficult. I am trying not to think about it. It really is frustrating.
So I am working on the menu for Sid's new restaurant. I think it will be fun! Little extra money on the side. I am also doing fairly well with my other project. I made a little money with it, nothing too extravagant, but more than I had! I figured I would let it sit in the bank till I decide what I was going to use it for.
I am pretty peaceful today. I think I really need to sleep all day yesterday. I also have something to look forward to for the weekend. I want to get back into church. I really think that may be my missing link. I have always known that. I even know which one I want to go to. I just have to remember that no one will be like Dave Workman, and that no church is perfect. I have to change my mindset a bit. It is about getting back into communion with God, thats what I really want...and creating a community that I can grow up with.
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
I am to blame
I take these issues and frustrations in one area of my life and put them on the other areas. I am putting all the blame on me. I feel like I create all the issues. I carry the burden of being in a frustrating marriage because I make things bigger than they are. I find all the issues. I was trying to write a letter today, in hopes that I could clarify how I really feel about it. And each time I tried to blame him for something he doesnt do, I realize that he does it, just in a different way. I am overly and abundantly blessed. I have a man that I love that truly adores me. No, he doesnt prove it to me every second of everyday, but I know he ultimately wants me/us to be happy. He is not intentionally sabotaging anything--that is all me. We have a very good marriage, not perfect by any means, but it is very good. I can focus in on all those issues and potentially find how each and every one of them stems from my issues and insecurities. Do I just not want to be happy? I have a steady job that is a means to an end. It is not perfect by any means either, but its rewarding in its own way. It is not a taxing job, it is not hard. I feel valued, even though I am low on the totum pole, i know that they would rather have me design something over someone else. I can't put my finger on why I am so discontent here. I dont plan on being here forever. Its just one step closer to where I potentially want to be, which I have yet really to figure out. I should be more thankful that I have a job that is there, that I make decent money at and is easy. I could challenge myself here if I so chose to. I could use all my down time to better myself and my skills. I think the core of my discontentment is that I am not happy with the person I am. I look in the mirror and dont see anything special. I dont see that incredible woman I know I could be. I see failure, disappointment, lazy and unmotivated. I feel unfulfilled because I am not living an overall fulfilling life....yes I have love, money (well enough--but there is never enough), a good job....but I dont have personal triumphs or a sense of personal accomplishment. I hold myself back from my own grandeur. I get so tired and overwhelmed with daily mundaneness that I forget I have dreams. I forget that I am better than I am. I forget that I have been through alot. I live in the past. I need to decide, commit and conquer those things in my life that pick away at my joy. Where did my joy go? Where did it come from in the first place? When was I truly my happiest? Why was I so happy? I blame myself for not being happy, cause I turn away from those things I dont want to face to develop new and more interesting problems. I try to sabatage myself by knit-picking the good parts of my life until that are not good anymore.
I could invest my life more and step out more. I dont want to do it alone. If i wanted to do it alone, I would have stayed single. I want my husband and I to share our lives...sometimes I feel like we just share space. He is not perfect (damn close, but not). I could go into my psycho-analysis of why I think he is the way he is, but its really none of your business. He is a good man and he loves me.
I want to feel substantial in life. I want to feel that my absense is unbearable. I want to feel like I offer something to my life, to my husband, to my friends, to my family, and to my passions. I keep longing for the past, knowing that it was good...unprepared and scared to look at the present in fear that it is not all that I expected or wanted, or thought I dreamed of. There is such a different picture for my future now...different than what it looked like from my past. I am not where I expected to be. Not doing what I thought I would...but I am happy...but its still not what I expected or thought I dreamed of. its reality, its good, but I know it can be better.
I take all the blame, cause I am the one to blame....apparently.
I could invest my life more and step out more. I dont want to do it alone. If i wanted to do it alone, I would have stayed single. I want my husband and I to share our lives...sometimes I feel like we just share space. He is not perfect (damn close, but not). I could go into my psycho-analysis of why I think he is the way he is, but its really none of your business. He is a good man and he loves me.
I want to feel substantial in life. I want to feel that my absense is unbearable. I want to feel like I offer something to my life, to my husband, to my friends, to my family, and to my passions. I keep longing for the past, knowing that it was good...unprepared and scared to look at the present in fear that it is not all that I expected or wanted, or thought I dreamed of. There is such a different picture for my future now...different than what it looked like from my past. I am not where I expected to be. Not doing what I thought I would...but I am happy...but its still not what I expected or thought I dreamed of. its reality, its good, but I know it can be better.
I take all the blame, cause I am the one to blame....apparently.
Monday, June 30, 2008
I SCREAM
I really want some blue ice cream.....i really really really really want some....=(
with sprinkles.....
I am going to buy my own soft serve ice cream machine and blue ice cream so I have a constant supply--but it wont be the same...cause it is more than the ice cream...i miss the adventure of blue ice cream...
with sprinkles.....
I am going to buy my own soft serve ice cream machine and blue ice cream so I have a constant supply--but it wont be the same...cause it is more than the ice cream...i miss the adventure of blue ice cream...
wake up
So at my job, I design advertising. I have a team that consists of me (Artist Extraordinaire, Sue (Customer Service Rep, she types everything in and creates the tickets) and 3 sales reps (Angie, Diana and Susanne)..they drive around all day soliciting people to buy ads in the newspaper. So Angie, etc sells something, gathers all the information, gives it to sue that creates the ticket and then gives it to me and I design (based on what they have done before or what the client/salesrep draws up for me). The flow of advertising goes up and down, somedays I dont ever run out of ads, always something to do and the day goes fairly quickly. Then there are days like today, where i have recieved NOTHING. I have sat in front of this computer pretending to be busy for nearly 7 hours. I only have 30 minutes or so to go....so I sit and mull and bitch in my head because in lieu and sitting and doing NOTHING, I could be getting 52Cents on the mile (which today would be approximately $50 extra) to drive around Peoria and take pictures for my special project (which I am in sole control and in charge of)---but because SOMEONE doesnt get their mail, I sit here BORED UTTERLY BRAINLESS doing NOTHING and feeling mor eangry, frustrated and irritated by the minute, and others are doing the favorite and most exciting part of my job less that satisfactory--and she brings me the memory card like she is the ulitmate shit and I should worship her (if only she knew what people say behind her back).
i wish this was all over...i imagine that not thinking about it would help, but when I sit doing NOTHING all day, bored senseless, what else is there to think about?
Also sitting here bored, and already frustrated, then Angie, which sits behind me makes all these AGGREVATING noises...its like her throat doesnt naturally swallow and she has to "slurp" her saliva---then she talks to herself no matter what she is doing " i need to find the number to call Tom, he would buy this, well i hope he would, he is a good advertiser, oh darn, what was i doing, oh yeah calling Tom, now where is that number......................................(and she keeps talking and talking and talking.....) Ugh
I should be locked in a room by myself while i am working, or be allowed to work whenever there was work to do. I am pretty efficient and I can get done in one hour what most take half a days work. So i could potentially work part time and STILL have time left over to do nothing...sad isnt it...so i feel like i am wasting my life away with nothing, thinking of all the things I could be doing....but at least I get paid to do nothing (isnt that SO rewarding!)
c.ALIce
i wish this was all over...i imagine that not thinking about it would help, but when I sit doing NOTHING all day, bored senseless, what else is there to think about?
Also sitting here bored, and already frustrated, then Angie, which sits behind me makes all these AGGREVATING noises...its like her throat doesnt naturally swallow and she has to "slurp" her saliva---then she talks to herself no matter what she is doing " i need to find the number to call Tom, he would buy this, well i hope he would, he is a good advertiser, oh darn, what was i doing, oh yeah calling Tom, now where is that number......................................(and she keeps talking and talking and talking.....) Ugh
I should be locked in a room by myself while i am working, or be allowed to work whenever there was work to do. I am pretty efficient and I can get done in one hour what most take half a days work. So i could potentially work part time and STILL have time left over to do nothing...sad isnt it...so i feel like i am wasting my life away with nothing, thinking of all the things I could be doing....but at least I get paid to do nothing (isnt that SO rewarding!)
c.ALIce
feeling ok
I am not depressed or suicidal, overall i am just frustrated with the inconsideration of a certain individual, which drives me mad to think about!
I am in MUCH NEED of this trip to Kentucky for the Fourth of July. I NEED to be around family to reenergize and just have a break from all this madness around me.
I am overall happy in my life. I have too many blessings to count, but sometimes i just see the worst in everything instead of the best. I have read over my previous blogs...i have been like that for a long time.
I dont like stress. I dont like alot things about my life...but it has everything to do with me and nothing to do with those around me. I am the only one keeping me from accomplishing my goals...i have all the love and support I need, I just need to focus, commit and conquer. I just get so tired and unmotivated sometimes.
nothing has changed in my life, but maybe my attitude towards it....which is definately why I want to confirm I was PMSING!!!
c.ALIce
I am in MUCH NEED of this trip to Kentucky for the Fourth of July. I NEED to be around family to reenergize and just have a break from all this madness around me.
I am overall happy in my life. I have too many blessings to count, but sometimes i just see the worst in everything instead of the best. I have read over my previous blogs...i have been like that for a long time.
I dont like stress. I dont like alot things about my life...but it has everything to do with me and nothing to do with those around me. I am the only one keeping me from accomplishing my goals...i have all the love and support I need, I just need to focus, commit and conquer. I just get so tired and unmotivated sometimes.
nothing has changed in my life, but maybe my attitude towards it....which is definately why I want to confirm I was PMSING!!!
c.ALIce
Friday, June 27, 2008
.......
i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored.
what can I possibly do for the next 2 hours to occupy my brain so I don't go crazy?!?!
what can I possibly do for the next 2 hours to occupy my brain so I don't go crazy?!?!
Batter My Heart, Three-Person'd God
HOLY SONNETS.
XIV.
Batter my heart, three-person'd God ; for you
As yet but knock ; breathe, shine, and seek to mend ;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force, to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurp'd town, to another due,
Labour to admit you, but O, to no end.
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betroth'd unto your enemy ;
Divorce me, untie, or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.
John Donne
XIV.
Batter my heart, three-person'd God ; for you
As yet but knock ; breathe, shine, and seek to mend ;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force, to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurp'd town, to another due,
Labour to admit you, but O, to no end.
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betroth'd unto your enemy ;
Divorce me, untie, or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.
John Donne
All Mixed Up
I am angry, frustrated, tired, stressed and grumpy...
No really people. please pay me for the tickets or I will start charging you INTEREST!! =) I have to pay it! Its been two weeks and I have not personally recieved any money except from my mother-in-law that will likely NOT come.
I have a dilemna in my life that frustrates the SHIT outta me. Out of respect for her business, i will not name names now, but BY GOD, if she does not cooperate much longer, I will plaster her name and business all over my blogs in bad light!! All I want is a copy! It is my legal right as a previous "employee" to have one, but my efforts to get one from her have failed up to this point. I am on the verge of sending over an officier to hand-deliver (and dont put it past me) I am stalled at PJS because until they see a copy of this information, they will not allow me to go and do my big project. That irritates me because they are resorting to people that have no idea what they are doing and produce less than satisfactory results. It also effects other areas of my life, where promising oppurtunities are blooming that will get me out of PJS and moving forward in getting out of debt and doing what I love. ALL I WANT IS A @!#@*@! COPY to review and seek out my options. I am trying to be patient, give space and not become overbearing, but IT IS EFFECTING MY LIFE IN TOO MANY WAYS!! I just want it over with...done, finished, complete.
So life was well, until this one dilemna dampers each and everyday and my control in the situation is futile and non-existant. The funny part, I dont believe she even has a copy....otherwise, what is the big deal? She is so paranoid that I am going to go out on my own and start up a studio---I am not crazy! I am pursuing other options for sure, but I am no threat by any means. It has no bearing....it is just really FRUSTRATING!!!
Otherwise? Well sometimes i really dont like being married. i would rather just run away from all my issues and problems and not have to deal with any of the above crap. Some things I wouldn't have to deal with in Cincinnati. Someone said that I was always miserable. Always looking for something to complain about--or always searching for something wrong. Have I always been like that? Someone said I wasn't trying---like grounding and rooting yourself somewhere is EASY to do --- forgive me if I still have my moments of adjustment! Its not like this particular person had to ever uproot and move, change, grow and start over. I decided to be here, I am here for really one reason...and when that reason is questioned then I want to leave, or leave and bring that reason with me. Yeah, I am a little resentful...its the devil in me. I guess one does not understand the emotional, physical and mental adjustments one needs to make in such a short amount of time. I am trying, I am picky when it comes to who I let in my life....I always have been, thats why I have great friends--no bullshit! I have a couple girls that I love and adore...but when is enough enough? How many friends do I have to have? How many jobs must I go through? How many nights do I have to sit bored and lonely before it hits me? I don't feel grounded. I feel like most of the time there is no plan....what to expect in the next 5 years, and no one to confirm my dreams, but the simple "what will be will be" -- you get nowhere in life waiting for it. Will we stay in Peoria for 5 years? 10 years? No way to answer, but do I seriously ever think we will move? no. is there talk of it? yes. does that put out mixed emotions? yes. Moving wouldnt help anyway.
I need people that truly care, respect, and admire me. I need to be a leader that others look up to. My love language is words of affirmation, hands down....i thrive in them, i roll around and laugh and smile when i know that i am loved--and that impacts every area of my life. I have great starter friends here, but they haven't necessarily gotten to that point yet. I feel like I am not myself anymore. I go to social functions and shy away into a corner--what fun is that? When did that start? I need a close knit community of people that I know will never let me down when I need them. I need to be stimulated emotionally in any other way than dealing with being here and wanting something else. I need to talk about dreams, aspirations, the future, the past...and laugh and cry with people that know where i have been and the potentially for where I am going.
I want to be pursued. I want to feel like life without me is desperate and meaningless. I dont want to be a roommate, or a social aquaintance, I want depth and rooted people. I want thoughts about me and how to make me happy, and actions that follow through. I dont want to do everything. I dont want to always be the one bringing it up. Makes me feel pyscho when I am the only one that seems to notice, or care. I want passion. Not that soap opera shit, but passion that confirms that I belong solely to one person and THE PASSING THOUGHT of me being with ANYONE else, is heartbreaking and utterly DEVESTATING...there shouldn't be an option there to even entertain the idea. It should be snuffed from the beginning...otherwise I see options. Pursued. Desired. Ravished.
I feel protected. I feel loved. I feel successful. I feel content. so what is my problem?
I detest living by other peoples rules. I want to work when I want to work and I want you to trust me that it will get done by the time you need it. I dont want to be called into the office when I did not call walking in the door 5 minutes late. I dont want to hear about it. I want people to not always assume that I can read their minds....you give me shit to work with, Ill give you shit in return. Dont get snobby with me....design your own ads if you think my ideas are shitty (btw, dont you know I am the best you got?) I want a job where my work is appreciated. I doubt I will get that anywhere.
Life is hard. People are selfish. Jobs suck. God seems absent and far far away. I feel this anger and frustration boiling up and I really feel like one day I am going to crack...maybe I am just PMSing.
I am SO tired. This entire week I have wanted to sleep all day. I just want to escape from my life--the stress of the dilemna, the thinking, that over-analyzing, the twists and turns that spin my head. I would like to not have to think about what is going to happen when, but I am a planner. If we have this now, I cant have that till later....and being stalemate in my life waiting for SOMETHING or SOMEONE to make a decision just grates my nerves. I can't make decisions on my own anymore. and I am tired....exhausted thinking about how life will be next month....next year...what if I cant get out of it...that means what? I have to be here another 4 years sulking in my miserable existence? moving would solve it....but as mentioned before, I dont see that ever happening. I want to be free from money, its hold on my future, its power over life. It is not even my money...or my lack thereof. I am trying...but it just seems I get one step forward and two steps back. I hate living above my means, cause in my means, I would be living with Cheryl or Mom. I dont know how other people do it....without there being two of us, I dont think we would survive. I guess you can add that to my resentful list.
So there is a crossroad in my life and three different directions I can take and I cannot take any because I AM WAITING ON OTHERS TO DETERMINE which way I am allowed to go. Do you know how @$#%!* FRUSTRATING that is??
C.Alice
No really people. please pay me for the tickets or I will start charging you INTEREST!! =) I have to pay it! Its been two weeks and I have not personally recieved any money except from my mother-in-law that will likely NOT come.
I have a dilemna in my life that frustrates the SHIT outta me. Out of respect for her business, i will not name names now, but BY GOD, if she does not cooperate much longer, I will plaster her name and business all over my blogs in bad light!! All I want is a copy! It is my legal right as a previous "employee" to have one, but my efforts to get one from her have failed up to this point. I am on the verge of sending over an officier to hand-deliver (and dont put it past me) I am stalled at PJS because until they see a copy of this information, they will not allow me to go and do my big project. That irritates me because they are resorting to people that have no idea what they are doing and produce less than satisfactory results. It also effects other areas of my life, where promising oppurtunities are blooming that will get me out of PJS and moving forward in getting out of debt and doing what I love. ALL I WANT IS A @!#@*@! COPY to review and seek out my options. I am trying to be patient, give space and not become overbearing, but IT IS EFFECTING MY LIFE IN TOO MANY WAYS!! I just want it over with...done, finished, complete.
So life was well, until this one dilemna dampers each and everyday and my control in the situation is futile and non-existant. The funny part, I dont believe she even has a copy....otherwise, what is the big deal? She is so paranoid that I am going to go out on my own and start up a studio---I am not crazy! I am pursuing other options for sure, but I am no threat by any means. It has no bearing....it is just really FRUSTRATING!!!
Otherwise? Well sometimes i really dont like being married. i would rather just run away from all my issues and problems and not have to deal with any of the above crap. Some things I wouldn't have to deal with in Cincinnati. Someone said that I was always miserable. Always looking for something to complain about--or always searching for something wrong. Have I always been like that? Someone said I wasn't trying---like grounding and rooting yourself somewhere is EASY to do --- forgive me if I still have my moments of adjustment! Its not like this particular person had to ever uproot and move, change, grow and start over. I decided to be here, I am here for really one reason...and when that reason is questioned then I want to leave, or leave and bring that reason with me. Yeah, I am a little resentful...its the devil in me. I guess one does not understand the emotional, physical and mental adjustments one needs to make in such a short amount of time. I am trying, I am picky when it comes to who I let in my life....I always have been, thats why I have great friends--no bullshit! I have a couple girls that I love and adore...but when is enough enough? How many friends do I have to have? How many jobs must I go through? How many nights do I have to sit bored and lonely before it hits me? I don't feel grounded. I feel like most of the time there is no plan....what to expect in the next 5 years, and no one to confirm my dreams, but the simple "what will be will be" -- you get nowhere in life waiting for it. Will we stay in Peoria for 5 years? 10 years? No way to answer, but do I seriously ever think we will move? no. is there talk of it? yes. does that put out mixed emotions? yes. Moving wouldnt help anyway.
I need people that truly care, respect, and admire me. I need to be a leader that others look up to. My love language is words of affirmation, hands down....i thrive in them, i roll around and laugh and smile when i know that i am loved--and that impacts every area of my life. I have great starter friends here, but they haven't necessarily gotten to that point yet. I feel like I am not myself anymore. I go to social functions and shy away into a corner--what fun is that? When did that start? I need a close knit community of people that I know will never let me down when I need them. I need to be stimulated emotionally in any other way than dealing with being here and wanting something else. I need to talk about dreams, aspirations, the future, the past...and laugh and cry with people that know where i have been and the potentially for where I am going.
I want to be pursued. I want to feel like life without me is desperate and meaningless. I dont want to be a roommate, or a social aquaintance, I want depth and rooted people. I want thoughts about me and how to make me happy, and actions that follow through. I dont want to do everything. I dont want to always be the one bringing it up. Makes me feel pyscho when I am the only one that seems to notice, or care. I want passion. Not that soap opera shit, but passion that confirms that I belong solely to one person and THE PASSING THOUGHT of me being with ANYONE else, is heartbreaking and utterly DEVESTATING...there shouldn't be an option there to even entertain the idea. It should be snuffed from the beginning...otherwise I see options. Pursued. Desired. Ravished.
I feel protected. I feel loved. I feel successful. I feel content. so what is my problem?
I detest living by other peoples rules. I want to work when I want to work and I want you to trust me that it will get done by the time you need it. I dont want to be called into the office when I did not call walking in the door 5 minutes late. I dont want to hear about it. I want people to not always assume that I can read their minds....you give me shit to work with, Ill give you shit in return. Dont get snobby with me....design your own ads if you think my ideas are shitty (btw, dont you know I am the best you got?) I want a job where my work is appreciated. I doubt I will get that anywhere.
Life is hard. People are selfish. Jobs suck. God seems absent and far far away. I feel this anger and frustration boiling up and I really feel like one day I am going to crack...maybe I am just PMSing.
I am SO tired. This entire week I have wanted to sleep all day. I just want to escape from my life--the stress of the dilemna, the thinking, that over-analyzing, the twists and turns that spin my head. I would like to not have to think about what is going to happen when, but I am a planner. If we have this now, I cant have that till later....and being stalemate in my life waiting for SOMETHING or SOMEONE to make a decision just grates my nerves. I can't make decisions on my own anymore. and I am tired....exhausted thinking about how life will be next month....next year...what if I cant get out of it...that means what? I have to be here another 4 years sulking in my miserable existence? moving would solve it....but as mentioned before, I dont see that ever happening. I want to be free from money, its hold on my future, its power over life. It is not even my money...or my lack thereof. I am trying...but it just seems I get one step forward and two steps back. I hate living above my means, cause in my means, I would be living with Cheryl or Mom. I dont know how other people do it....without there being two of us, I dont think we would survive. I guess you can add that to my resentful list.
So there is a crossroad in my life and three different directions I can take and I cannot take any because I AM WAITING ON OTHERS TO DETERMINE which way I am allowed to go. Do you know how @$#%!* FRUSTRATING that is??
C.Alice
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Cardinals vs. Reds
Hello Everyone!
I just got the tickets in the mail for the game in August. And since it is collecting interest on my credit card, I was hoping to get some money! Here is the deal--I have 23 people confirmed, and 2 extra tickets. I also want to be assured that those on the confirmed list pay and get their tickets. With 23 people going, I am not sure how we will meet beforehand or how I will get you your tickets, and honestly I dont want to be responsible for them all!
We are in sun/moon deck $22 per ticket (includes tax and surcharges)
so... send your money to:
Chrissi Pflederer
117 Cotton Lane
East Peoria, IL 61611
also make sure to include your address so I can mail your tickets to you...(i will do delivery confirmation)...
you can also give your money to cheryl or carol (with address where to send tickets to).
If you are on the confirmed list, you have committed to paying for the tickets, so even if you dont go...you owe me for the tickets. =)
All the tickets are in the same area so I am just going to randomly choose tickets to send to you, but i am sure when we actually get to the game we can sit whereever you want in that area.
Thanks so much!
Below is again the CONFIRMED LIST:
1. Chrissi Pflederer
2. Nat Pflederer
3. Amber Tillison
4. Phil Tillison
5. Cheryl Bond
6. Cindy Tucker
7. Sarah Nunery
8. Ben Nunery
9. Becky Palmieri
10. James Palmieri
11. Sarah Craynon
12. Rachel (Sarah Nunery)
13. Stephanie (Cindy Tucker)
14. Emma Gibbons
15. John "Gibbons"
16. Carol Bond
17. Kaitlyn Palmieri
18. Jimi Bird
19. Katie Bird
20.Sarah Ralston
21. Trevor--hahahah I mean, TRAVIS (Sarah Ralston)
22. Hope Yoder
23. Steve Yoder
24. Kaitlyn Palmieri Friend
PAID
If anyone wants the last two tickets...it is first come--first serve.
I just got the tickets in the mail for the game in August. And since it is collecting interest on my credit card, I was hoping to get some money! Here is the deal--I have 23 people confirmed, and 2 extra tickets. I also want to be assured that those on the confirmed list pay and get their tickets. With 23 people going, I am not sure how we will meet beforehand or how I will get you your tickets, and honestly I dont want to be responsible for them all!
We are in sun/moon deck $22 per ticket (includes tax and surcharges)
so... send your money to:
Chrissi Pflederer
117 Cotton Lane
East Peoria, IL 61611
also make sure to include your address so I can mail your tickets to you...(i will do delivery confirmation)...
you can also give your money to cheryl or carol (with address where to send tickets to).
If you are on the confirmed list, you have committed to paying for the tickets, so even if you dont go...you owe me for the tickets. =)
All the tickets are in the same area so I am just going to randomly choose tickets to send to you, but i am sure when we actually get to the game we can sit whereever you want in that area.
Thanks so much!
Below is again the CONFIRMED LIST:
1. Chrissi Pflederer
2. Nat Pflederer
3. Amber Tillison
4. Phil Tillison
5. Cheryl Bond
6. Cindy Tucker
7. Sarah Nunery
8. Ben Nunery
9. Becky Palmieri
10. James Palmieri
11. Sarah Craynon
12. Rachel (Sarah Nunery)
13. Stephanie (Cindy Tucker)
14. Emma Gibbons
15. John "Gibbons"
16. Carol Bond
17. Kaitlyn Palmieri
18. Jimi Bird
19. Katie Bird
20.Sarah Ralston
21. Trevor--hahahah I mean, TRAVIS (Sarah Ralston)
22. Hope Yoder
23. Steve Yoder
24. Kaitlyn Palmieri Friend
PAID
If anyone wants the last two tickets...it is first come--first serve.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
help me
no one is helping me with my studio name.....
i dont even care if it is alycepaige anymore...just give me some ideas please!!!
i dont even care if it is alycepaige anymore...just give me some ideas please!!!
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Business Minded: Part Deux
So I started this blog and left nothing but a title. So now I am back at it again to try to shed some light on the situation. So I work at the journal star, a newspaper, designing advertising for clients. It is a decent job, i get paid to sit and create all day...it is not stressful and they love me. But I dont plan on being here forever...I plan to do what I have always wanted to do and have a degree to do...photography. So recently I talked with a wedding photographer here in peoria that would pay me to go shoot weddings and then they would do all the ordering and backend part (like albums, etc). It would be a perfect job for me because as katie and becky well know....i am not so good at getting the images i take back to the client...i am quite a procrastinator (although i think money is a good motivator =))---chill out girls...you will get your pictures, eventually. Well after talking to this particular photographer, i asked to shadow him on several weddings to get a feel for how he works...and it was scheduled for this saturday. It also got cancelled, family issues, totally understandable (yet the insecure part of me thinks he is trying to avoid me and coming up with excuses to not hire me cause i am not good enough). Sandy has a friend that is also a photographer that would like some help at weddings and doing portrait work....then vanessa wants pictures, and she referred a friend of hers to have me do her wedding, and i have senior sessions for at least one person in the works and also a couple family portraits to follow up on. I am also working on a special project at work where I will be taking creative group photos at businesses for up to 80 different businesses. so I could potentially have alot of work to do. So I am doing some research on getting a website....a nice professional one, and honestly i dont know much about web design, and i think i have come to terms that it is better if someone else does it. I have a domain name, two actually(alycepaige.com, alycepaigedesign.com), and still deciding on the way i want things to look that reflect me. So I need some help....for ideas...about everything!
Names
1. AlycePaige Design
2. Alycepaige PhotoDesign
3. Alycepaige Photography
4. Alyce Paige
5. Do i even want to be alycepaige anymore?
symbols....i want to stay away from flowers (gender) but maybe stars? camera? anything unique and catchy. Can anyone help? Just to get something started....and find cool unique ideas....the photography i can do, and do it well....its the getting started stuff that just keeps me procrastinating!
HELP!
Mrs. P
Names
1. AlycePaige Design
2. Alycepaige PhotoDesign
3. Alycepaige Photography
4. Alyce Paige
5. Do i even want to be alycepaige anymore?
symbols....i want to stay away from flowers (gender) but maybe stars? camera? anything unique and catchy. Can anyone help? Just to get something started....and find cool unique ideas....the photography i can do, and do it well....its the getting started stuff that just keeps me procrastinating!
HELP!
Mrs. P
Friday, May 09, 2008
Confirmed and Unconfirmed
Here is my list of CONFIRMED people...then there are the unconfirmed...if you are on the unconfirmed, please let me know one way of the other asap, cause i have 25 tickets, and 27 people on my list...
CONFIRMED
1. Chrissi Pflederer
2. Nat Pflederer
3. Amber Tillison
4. Phil Tillison
5. Cheryl Bond
6. Cindy Tucker
7. Sarah Nunery
8. Ben Nunery
9. Becky Palmieri
10. James Palmieri
11. Sarah Craynon
12. Rachel (Sarah Nunery)
13. Stephanie (Cindy Tucker)
14. Emma Gibbons
15. John "Gibbons"
16. Carol Bond
17. Kaitlyn Palmieri
18. Jimi Bird
19. Katie Bird
20. Sarah Ralston
21. Trevor--hahahah I mean, TRAVIS (Sarah Ralston)
22. Hope Yoder
23. Steve Yoder
UNCONFIRMED
24. Scotty Huston
25. Lindsay (Scotty Huston)
26. Amber's Cousin
27. Amber's Cousin
28. Chad
29. Elizabeth
so, if you are on the unconfirmed list and are definately coming, please let me know asap so I can guarantee you a ticket. If you are on the confirmed list, and things have changed, please let me know so I can fill your spot. I have not physically talked to Chad, Elizabeth, Scotty or Lindsay so please someone let me know, or have them contact me. LOVE YOU!
Thanks
Mrs. P
CONFIRMED
1. Chrissi Pflederer
2. Nat Pflederer
3. Amber Tillison
4. Phil Tillison
5. Cheryl Bond
6. Cindy Tucker
7. Sarah Nunery
8. Ben Nunery
9. Becky Palmieri
10. James Palmieri
11. Sarah Craynon
12. Rachel (Sarah Nunery)
13. Stephanie (Cindy Tucker)
14. Emma Gibbons
15. John "Gibbons"
16. Carol Bond
17. Kaitlyn Palmieri
18. Jimi Bird
19. Katie Bird
20. Sarah Ralston
21. Trevor--hahahah I mean, TRAVIS (Sarah Ralston)
22. Hope Yoder
23. Steve Yoder
UNCONFIRMED
24. Scotty Huston
25. Lindsay (Scotty Huston)
26. Amber's Cousin
27. Amber's Cousin
28. Chad
29. Elizabeth
so, if you are on the unconfirmed list and are definately coming, please let me know asap so I can guarantee you a ticket. If you are on the confirmed list, and things have changed, please let me know so I can fill your spot. I have not physically talked to Chad, Elizabeth, Scotty or Lindsay so please someone let me know, or have them contact me. LOVE YOU!
Thanks
Mrs. P
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
THE GAME IS ON!!!
So I just confirmed our order for the August 16 7:10 game of the St.Louis Cardinals vs the Cincinnati Reds...GO CARDINALS!
I chose the Sun/Moon Deck and we will hopefully get the first couple rows nearest to field (the seats are behind right field).
The tickets will be $22 each (with shipping, tax and surcharges included)...
I ordered 25 tickets and have a confirmed/tentative 24 on my list now, so we might need a couple more to come, but ill let you as I know.
YEAH!! I AM SO EXCITED!!
Mrs. P
I chose the Sun/Moon Deck and we will hopefully get the first couple rows nearest to field (the seats are behind right field).
The tickets will be $22 each (with shipping, tax and surcharges included)...
I ordered 25 tickets and have a confirmed/tentative 24 on my list now, so we might need a couple more to come, but ill let you as I know.
YEAH!! I AM SO EXCITED!!
Mrs. P
Da Game
Ok People
I have a choice between two sets of tickets. One is for the Field Level and they are $33.00 and the other is for the Mezzannine/Sun-Moon Deck and they are $21.00. I havent been to Great American BallPark and not sure which ones are the better seats. I am getting 25 tickets all together and want to make sure I am staying roughly in everyones budget. Here is a pic of the stadium...let me know what you prefer....asap please.
I hope this helps, I think if you click on it it will enlarge for you.
Mrs. P
I have a choice between two sets of tickets. One is for the Field Level and they are $33.00 and the other is for the Mezzannine/Sun-Moon Deck and they are $21.00. I havent been to Great American BallPark and not sure which ones are the better seats. I am getting 25 tickets all together and want to make sure I am staying roughly in everyones budget. Here is a pic of the stadium...let me know what you prefer....asap please.
I hope this helps, I think if you click on it it will enlarge for you.
Mrs. P
Monday, May 05, 2008
Sunday, May 04, 2008
Cardinals/Reds Game
Hey Everyone.
i know i sent out an email to many of you and got responses...but just wanted to put it out there once more if you would like to go to the game.
Saturday August 16
6:10 Game
St.Louis Cardinals vs. Cincinnati Reds
cost: $25-40 (still waiting for final number)
If you are interested, please let me know asap.
So far I have 15 people committed to going
1. Chrissi
2. Nat
3. Amber
4. Phil
5. Cheryl
6. Cindy
7. Sarah Nunery
8. Ben Nunery
9. Becky Palmieri
10. James Palmieri
11. Sarah Craynon
12. (possibly) Amber cousin
13. (possibly) Amber cousin
14. Emma Gibbons
15. John "Gibbons"
16. (possibly) Carol
17. (possibly) Todd -- wont bring the dogs if that helps! =)
18. (possibly) Kaitlyn Palmieri
Katie? Sarah R? Abbi B? well??!?!?
I am planning on buying tickets this week...
love you all!
Mrs. P
i know i sent out an email to many of you and got responses...but just wanted to put it out there once more if you would like to go to the game.
Saturday August 16
6:10 Game
St.Louis Cardinals vs. Cincinnati Reds
cost: $25-40 (still waiting for final number)
If you are interested, please let me know asap.
So far I have 15 people committed to going
1. Chrissi
2. Nat
3. Amber
4. Phil
5. Cheryl
6. Cindy
7. Sarah Nunery
8. Ben Nunery
9. Becky Palmieri
10. James Palmieri
11. Sarah Craynon
12. (possibly) Amber cousin
13. (possibly) Amber cousin
14. Emma Gibbons
15. John "Gibbons"
16. (possibly) Carol
17. (possibly) Todd -- wont bring the dogs if that helps! =)
18. (possibly) Kaitlyn Palmieri
Katie? Sarah R? Abbi B? well??!?!?
I am planning on buying tickets this week...
love you all!
Mrs. P
Friday, April 04, 2008
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Carol has the other one..
There are two pics of this sunset at My. Sinai....this is mine, the other is at carols blog (http://ceb2song.blogspot.com)
i love comments!!
i am a bad blog reader, cause i read but never comment, but I love it when people comment on mine, so maybe, just maybe i might change my ways...
saturday night...still in the works...carol is trying to figure out her schedule and if she is going to work in am or pm so that will determine alot and the main reason for goin to LaRosas is because she would be working....but ill keep you all updated as i know so keep checking up on it.
Mrs. P
saturday night...still in the works...carol is trying to figure out her schedule and if she is going to work in am or pm so that will determine alot and the main reason for goin to LaRosas is because she would be working....but ill keep you all updated as i know so keep checking up on it.
Mrs. P
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
In a distant land....
Hmm, what has happened since the last i posted? the only thing really exciting was our sister trip to egypt. We travelled the country for 17 days and saw ALOT of OLD shit! A trip like that is always welcome in my mundane world. It is a reminder of how easy we have it and how much America has to offer, not only in oppurtunities to succeed but also in its beauty and diverse attractions. We went to Sharm el Sheikh, a beautiful beach in the Red Sea...gorgeous in so many ways, and while there I realize that I travelled on 6 planes (from peoria, counting abu simbel) to get there and i was MILES from home...i thought of Florida and California...in my OWN country, I have something to offer so spectacular and yet I never take advantage of it. The trip is refreshing though, especially for my crippled self-image. Its nice to feel beautiful, even if it comes from horny egyptians!
Egypt was great, i love to experience other cultures and learn new languages. The middle east is so welcoming and friendly, especially in Egypt but 99% of the time its because they want to 1. make you their fourth wife, 2. get your into their store to buy something 3. because they are just plain friendly. I didnt meet a mean one yet! It was weird not to see very many women, but they were all at home being wives I suppose. It took me a while to get back in the groove of life, being sick didnt help and going pretty much non-stop for 2 weeks doesnt either. I think I am finally getting some energy back.
I think I got more appreciation of the trip after getting back. I sorted out my Egypt pictures and then my boss wanted me to show them to my co-workers at a pizza party. I relunctantly agreed. I worked out all my images in folders based on location and spent some time figuring out why the temple or location or person was so significant. So now i feel like I have a better understanding of where I went, what I saw and why people stand in awe of it. I have some pretty cool pictures too!
Egypt was great, i love to experience other cultures and learn new languages. The middle east is so welcoming and friendly, especially in Egypt but 99% of the time its because they want to 1. make you their fourth wife, 2. get your into their store to buy something 3. because they are just plain friendly. I didnt meet a mean one yet! It was weird not to see very many women, but they were all at home being wives I suppose. It took me a while to get back in the groove of life, being sick didnt help and going pretty much non-stop for 2 weeks doesnt either. I think I am finally getting some energy back.
I think I got more appreciation of the trip after getting back. I sorted out my Egypt pictures and then my boss wanted me to show them to my co-workers at a pizza party. I relunctantly agreed. I worked out all my images in folders based on location and spent some time figuring out why the temple or location or person was so significant. So now i feel like I have a better understanding of where I went, what I saw and why people stand in awe of it. I have some pretty cool pictures too!
There are some for your viewing pleasure. Carol and Cheryl have been giving me a hard time because it has taken too long to get them their pictures...they should have them this week. I am planning on retouching some of them and either just printing them and framing them or making a hard bound coffeetable book. I think that would be cool to do for Israel too! I went last weekend and got some nice frames for my papyrus paintings, but now i have no idea where to put them. I have so much wall space and no idea what to do with any of it. Unfortunately I dont have a interior design bone in my body.
I have been thinking about going back to school to get my masters or my secondary teachers certificate. I am not sure what I want to do...i just figure that teaching is a perfect career for me because i love to teach others what i know, and i figure teaching graphic design or computer graphics is an up and coming teacher need. I also really like the schedule. It would give me more oppurtunity to market photography to seniors as well as getting holidays and summers off. I jsut think it would be a great mix for me. The idea keeps coming and going, the only downfall is the money aspect. I am sure that after school and getting degree that i would get a job making the same as i do now....but maybe i would enjoy it more!?!?!
I started going to a chiropractor for my back. It has been hurting me for a while but i am jsut the worlds biggest procrastinator and i keep putting it off. We now I am finally going and I feel better, although it has only been twice. I think that it will make me feel better in the long run and hopefully get rid of my headaches. I am also going to weight watchers. I was really diligent before egypt but then went i got back my buddy that goes to meetings with me was busy and then got sick and then had to have surgery so I have been on my own, and it sucks BIG TIME. She is a lot of fun and reminds me Cheryl, and we talk about the same things I would talk to Cheryl about. Hopefully she will be back on the wagon in a couple weeks, then i can show her up! I have lost a total of 11.5, which is good, but I could be doing so much better if I would jsut stay committed. We will see how it goes. I would just really like to get down to pre-marriage weight...I have gained nearly 25 pounds since i married him and 30 since i met him....that is WORSE than the FRESHMAN FIFTEEN!!
So I have started to walk the dogs. Sandy comes over sometimes to help, and granted I have only done it 3 times, its more than i would have! The girls are pretty good on leashes, except for sadie, she hates it and is constantly pulling on it. Its sorta cute and annoying all at once. Otherwise they are all really good...its good for them, cause they (ETTA ESPECIALLY) are OVERWEIGHT. Soon we will all be able to go around the block 4 times without loosing our breath!
I am trying to think of anything more interesting that has gone on in my life, and i honestly am at a loss. Life is day to day now and everything seems so mundane day after day. Jsut trying to get through without having a breakdown. Trying to figure out my life before it passes me by. Ill be 30 this year, and although i still am young and have the rest of my life in front of me, i was thinking that i would have accomplished something significant by now...and i guess I have to most, but there are goals that just never seem to get met and things i want to do that i feel like I am running out of time to get accomplished. I guess i just expected more.
So Nat is in school and working on the unfinished duplex across the street from our house that his sister bought. He will hopefully graduate from school this time next year, if everything goes as planned. The duplex is coming along well, but they still have ALOT of work to do...right now they are working on plumbing and electric, then insulation, walls, mudding, floors, painting, cabinets, doors,....i am tired jsut thinking about it. It has WAY more work to do than our house did...at least we had walls! They got a good deal on it, i jsut hope that get it done soon so that Nat will come back and finish our house! I think there will a lot of yard work in the near future. We are buying some trees with our income tax check and then we are going to work on the yard and landscaping (which i PRAY will help with the muddy floors from no grass, rain and dogs....).
Our house just need final touches...which i think is supposed to take a lifetime to finish. I would really like to get the basement done by this time next year, but I think it depends on the duplex and landscaping. I wouldnt imagine that they would start it before fall, that way boating season is over and its colder and there is really no excuse. =)
I have been trying to get outta debt, and that seems like the hardest thing to do. I am supposed to be using my check to pay off debt and I have it all figured out and how much i was paying with each paycheck and how long it would take. Unfortunately I had to revise my plan and instead of getting out of debt this year, it is going to be Jan 2010 and that is if nothing deters us. I hate/loathe/despise/abore debt...it puts such a strain on life and dreams and things you really want to do...and i know that once i get outta debt ill just use the money to buy more shit...but still....i will be out from under it. I have dreams of studio in basement with lighting equipment and tripods, backdrops and props, then dreams of furniture without teeth marks and hand-me-downs that will make our humble abode look like a house instead of a kennel. One day, my dreams will come!
Owning a house take alot of money....stay with the 'rents as LONG AS POSSIBLE!!
I havent had anything to do at work that last couple days, which makes the says DRAG on, and i would happily read blogs but there are many of you that dont write on a daily basis...you all should aspire to cindy's blogging skills! barely ever misses a day!! I am to blame as well, but life is just plain boring!
so you all should help me figure out my photography niche. Search out some really cool photoshop effects and posing and just unique ideas that no one else has really tried. I think i have a name, but give me some suggestions. I need to get my website built and get some clients under my belt and see if this photography thing will actually give me a decent salary/career...so any and all ideas are appreciated. I know Katies big idea goes something like "after taking pics of kid, show to parents within a year" sorry, babe, it doesnt help that you live in OHIO!! or rather i live in ILLINOIS....all well. when your child is 15, you may get back some baby pics!!! hahahah =)
One day I will be an award-winning photographer...ONE DAY DAMNIT!!
Id like to make the most of my trip while I am there for Becky's wedding so Cheryl and I are proposing to get a group together to go to LaRosas on Saturday night. Let me or her know if you are interested. I think it will be around 6-7pm. then possibly hanging out at cheryls after?!?!? Who knows!! LET THE NIGHT DECIDE!!
i love you all and think of you often
Mrs. P
Friday, February 01, 2008
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