bad blogger....those that leave no comment!

i am bored again! what is it about friday afternoons and utter boredom?? I am introspective lately...guess its time again to change. I decided to come play next weekend. I am not sure what time I will be there, it most likely wont be till 10 or 11 (hope you are not all wiped out by then). I am hoping that SOMEHOW I will get some blue ice cream while I am there...anyone have any ideas? Who all is coming to this Slumber Party? Do I need to bring anything?
I am trying to pay down debt. I have one credit card that I plan to pay off this year (and there are many more to follow)...it gets really frustrating, I just want them to not exist. My plan was to get out of debt totally (at least credit cards) before the thought of having a baby, but honestly I want to have kids now. I am turning 30 this year, and honestly I dont want to have kids when I am in my 40s---i want all my babies before I am 35. I have no control over it, which is really frustrating. I dont even know if it is possible for me (or Nat) to even concieve. Lots of talks about babies lately...but obviously its on the brain.
I am bored -- i want something to challenge, entertain, consume me and give my life some glimpse of purpose. Being raised Baptist really does a number on your value sometimes...those that were will understand.
I think I am on the verge of extreme behavior. Right now I am so fed-up and disgusted that I am about to take matters into my own hands to get things done. It wont be pretty, but actually in my opinion it will!! =)

the weekend

Thanks to all those that paid for tickets so far....much appreciated!
this weekend we went to mom's house for fourth of july. the entire family ends up coming and mom with her 11 brothers and sisters, and their kids, and their kids kids and their kids kids kids....yes...four generations of family...i would say there was at least 200 people there if not more. I will post some pictures when I get them off my camera. It is a long ass drive to get there. Nearly 9 hours. I drive down there and Nat drove back. If it wasnt for the long drive, it would be a much better weekend, but I suppose once a year isnt so bad. The weekend is exhausting because of the sleeping arrangements. Its hard to sleep in another bed other than my own, and unsettled dogs dont mix either...although this weekend they were all pretty well behaved. The girls were not allowed to run the hills this time...which minimized the stress of worrying about them all the time. I was hoping that I wouldn't start, but now at least I know for sure I am not pregnant. all well....as Nat says "it will be when its meant to"... Life right now seems all jumbled up. I want to be pregnant and have babies and move on with the next step of life, then I dont, not for sure where life will take me and scared of being tied down with babies. Apparently its not time yet....otherwise I would be. Being in constant preparation of it is somewhat irritating as well. Life has to change when you are pregnant, and never really knowing when you are or arent (except for now i know i am not)---but that only lasts a short while, then its hoping and stressing till i get disappointed/relieved again.
It is scary...no one can tell you its not....and you need a certain amount of planning....but not too much cause then it will never happen. I just am at this crossroads, and feeling more like I am on a tetter-tooter than solid ground. I think too much. I figure I am going to make the most of my life while I still have it!

Work is a little better. Changed my perspective a little bit and became a little more thankful that I have a nice career job that allows me to do something I like to do. Its not perfect, but it is where I am right now. I dont literally jump out of bed with glee and songs, but it pays the bills so we can have a better life in the long run.

Nat is always wonderful...he is nearly perfect in everyway, and I am still working on my thoughts. I think I am just in a rut right now feeling like I never get to spend any quality time with him that is not work. not that i necessarily mind work, but i feel like we need to sorta reconnect, and I am not sure how to do that right now. So I am thinking that I stop thinking for a bit and take some of the stress off it. He just gets the brunt of everything cause when i am stressed or disappointment or depression, and then i feel guilty for giving him the brunt then the guilt and that stress wears me out so that I dont want to even deal with it....its a vicious cycle.

Ulitmately I decide how to live my life. No one is making me miserable, I am just not allowing myself to be happy.

Hump Day

I am so freaking excited!! I am leaving tomorrow to go to Kentucky for the weekend. I need a vacation from all this drama in life. I think the stress is making me so tired. Last night I got home directly after work, grabbed a bite to eat and was in bed by 6pm. Granted I was restless so I didnt get to sleep till 8pm, but even though my mind was going a million miles a minute, my body would not move. Today I decided to take a full day tomorrow rather than a half day tomorrow. I have been so bored this week that I figure it would be a waste of time to come in for 4 hours --- I have a list of things I could be doing instead. Maybe we could even leave tonight, but I doubt it. We have an MUCH NEEDED oil change scheduled for tomorrow at 12:30pm. I am sure we can go to some jiffy lube place though if we really wanted to leave.
Today we have our monthly ad contest. I won last month (May), and then won again for the month of June. So basically I dont have to take any vacation time to have tomorrow off....its FREE! That makes me feel even better. Little boost of self confidence just for winning.
I wrote another email to what's her name...I just dont understand why its so difficult. I am trying not to think about it. It really is frustrating.
So I am working on the menu for Sid's new restaurant. I think it will be fun! Little extra money on the side. I am also doing fairly well with my other project. I made a little money with it, nothing too extravagant, but more than I had! I figured I would let it sit in the bank till I decide what I was going to use it for.
I am pretty peaceful today. I think I really need to sleep all day yesterday. I also have something to look forward to for the weekend. I want to get back into church. I really think that may be my missing link. I have always known that. I even know which one I want to go to. I just have to remember that no one will be like Dave Workman, and that no church is perfect. I have to change my mindset a bit. It is about getting back into communion with God, thats what I really want...and creating a community that I can grow up with.

I am to blame

I take these issues and frustrations in one area of my life and put them on the other areas. I am putting all the blame on me. I feel like I create all the issues. I carry the burden of being in a frustrating marriage because I make things bigger than they are. I find all the issues. I was trying to write a letter today, in hopes that I could clarify how I really feel about it. And each time I tried to blame him for something he doesnt do, I realize that he does it, just in a different way. I am overly and abundantly blessed. I have a man that I love that truly adores me. No, he doesnt prove it to me every second of everyday, but I know he ultimately wants me/us to be happy. He is not intentionally sabotaging anything--that is all me. We have a very good marriage, not perfect by any means, but it is very good. I can focus in on all those issues and potentially find how each and every one of them stems from my issues and insecurities. Do I just not want to be happy? I have a steady job that is a means to an end. It is not perfect by any means either, but its rewarding in its own way. It is not a taxing job, it is not hard. I feel valued, even though I am low on the totum pole, i know that they would rather have me design something over someone else. I can't put my finger on why I am so discontent here. I dont plan on being here forever. Its just one step closer to where I potentially want to be, which I have yet really to figure out. I should be more thankful that I have a job that is there, that I make decent money at and is easy. I could challenge myself here if I so chose to. I could use all my down time to better myself and my skills. I think the core of my discontentment is that I am not happy with the person I am. I look in the mirror and dont see anything special. I dont see that incredible woman I know I could be. I see failure, disappointment, lazy and unmotivated. I feel unfulfilled because I am not living an overall fulfilling life....yes I have love, money (well enough--but there is never enough), a good job....but I dont have personal triumphs or a sense of personal accomplishment. I hold myself back from my own grandeur. I get so tired and overwhelmed with daily mundaneness that I forget I have dreams. I forget that I am better than I am. I forget that I have been through alot. I live in the past. I need to decide, commit and conquer those things in my life that pick away at my joy. Where did my joy go? Where did it come from in the first place? When was I truly my happiest? Why was I so happy? I blame myself for not being happy, cause I turn away from those things I dont want to face to develop new and more interesting problems. I try to sabatage myself by knit-picking the good parts of my life until that are not good anymore.
I could invest my life more and step out more. I dont want to do it alone. If i wanted to do it alone, I would have stayed single. I want my husband and I to share our lives...sometimes I feel like we just share space. He is not perfect (damn close, but not). I could go into my psycho-analysis of why I think he is the way he is, but its really none of your business. He is a good man and he loves me.
I want to feel substantial in life. I want to feel that my absense is unbearable. I want to feel like I offer something to my life, to my husband, to my friends, to my family, and to my passions. I keep longing for the past, knowing that it was good...unprepared and scared to look at the present in fear that it is not all that I expected or wanted, or thought I dreamed of. There is such a different picture for my future now...different than what it looked like from my past. I am not where I expected to be. Not doing what I thought I would...but I am happy...but its still not what I expected or thought I dreamed of. its reality, its good, but I know it can be better.
I take all the blame, cause I am the one to blame....apparently.

I SCREAM

I really want some blue ice cream.....i really really really really want some....=(
with sprinkles.....

I am going to buy my own soft serve ice cream machine and blue ice cream so I have a constant supply--but it wont be the same...cause it is more than the ice cream...i miss the adventure of blue ice cream...

wake up

So at my job, I design advertising. I have a team that consists of me (Artist Extraordinaire, Sue (Customer Service Rep, she types everything in and creates the tickets) and 3 sales reps (Angie, Diana and Susanne)..they drive around all day soliciting people to buy ads in the newspaper. So Angie, etc sells something, gathers all the information, gives it to sue that creates the ticket and then gives it to me and I design (based on what they have done before or what the client/salesrep draws up for me). The flow of advertising goes up and down, somedays I dont ever run out of ads, always something to do and the day goes fairly quickly. Then there are days like today, where i have recieved NOTHING. I have sat in front of this computer pretending to be busy for nearly 7 hours. I only have 30 minutes or so to go....so I sit and mull and bitch in my head because in lieu and sitting and doing NOTHING, I could be getting 52Cents on the mile (which today would be approximately $50 extra) to drive around Peoria and take pictures for my special project (which I am in sole control and in charge of)---but because SOMEONE doesnt get their mail, I sit here BORED UTTERLY BRAINLESS doing NOTHING and feeling mor eangry, frustrated and irritated by the minute, and others are doing the favorite and most exciting part of my job less that satisfactory--and she brings me the memory card like she is the ulitmate shit and I should worship her (if only she knew what people say behind her back).
i wish this was all over...i imagine that not thinking about it would help, but when I sit doing NOTHING all day, bored senseless, what else is there to think about?
Also sitting here bored, and already frustrated, then Angie, which sits behind me makes all these AGGREVATING noises...its like her throat doesnt naturally swallow and she has to "slurp" her saliva---then she talks to herself no matter what she is doing " i need to find the number to call Tom, he would buy this, well i hope he would, he is a good advertiser, oh darn, what was i doing, oh yeah calling Tom, now where is that number......................................(and she keeps talking and talking and talking.....) Ugh
I should be locked in a room by myself while i am working, or be allowed to work whenever there was work to do. I am pretty efficient and I can get done in one hour what most take half a days work. So i could potentially work part time and STILL have time left over to do nothing...sad isnt it...so i feel like i am wasting my life away with nothing, thinking of all the things I could be doing....but at least I get paid to do nothing (isnt that SO rewarding!)

c.ALIce

feeling ok

I am not depressed or suicidal, overall i am just frustrated with the inconsideration of a certain individual, which drives me mad to think about!

I am in MUCH NEED of this trip to Kentucky for the Fourth of July. I NEED to be around family to reenergize and just have a break from all this madness around me.

I am overall happy in my life. I have too many blessings to count, but sometimes i just see the worst in everything instead of the best. I have read over my previous blogs...i have been like that for a long time.

I dont like stress. I dont like alot things about my life...but it has everything to do with me and nothing to do with those around me. I am the only one keeping me from accomplishing my goals...i have all the love and support I need, I just need to focus, commit and conquer. I just get so tired and unmotivated sometimes.

nothing has changed in my life, but maybe my attitude towards it....which is definately why I want to confirm I was PMSING!!!

c.ALIce

.......

i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored. i am bored.
what can I possibly do for the next 2 hours to occupy my brain so I don't go crazy?!?!

Batter My Heart, Three-Person'd God

HOLY SONNETS.

XIV.

Batter my heart, three-person'd God ; for you
As yet but knock ; breathe, shine, and seek to mend ;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force, to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurp'd town, to another due,
Labour to admit you, but O, to no end.
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betroth'd unto your enemy ;
Divorce me, untie, or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

John Donne

All Mixed Up

I am angry, frustrated, tired, stressed and grumpy...
No really people. please pay me for the tickets or I will start charging you INTEREST!! =) I have to pay it! Its been two weeks and I have not personally recieved any money except from my mother-in-law that will likely NOT come.
I have a dilemna in my life that frustrates the SHIT outta me. Out of respect for her business, i will not name names now, but BY GOD, if she does not cooperate much longer, I will plaster her name and business all over my blogs in bad light!! All I want is a copy! It is my legal right as a previous "employee" to have one, but my efforts to get one from her have failed up to this point. I am on the verge of sending over an officier to hand-deliver (and dont put it past me) I am stalled at PJS because until they see a copy of this information, they will not allow me to go and do my big project. That irritates me because they are resorting to people that have no idea what they are doing and produce less than satisfactory results. It also effects other areas of my life, where promising oppurtunities are blooming that will get me out of PJS and moving forward in getting out of debt and doing what I love. ALL I WANT IS A @!#@*@! COPY to review and seek out my options. I am trying to be patient, give space and not become overbearing, but IT IS EFFECTING MY LIFE IN TOO MANY WAYS!! I just want it over with...done, finished, complete.
So life was well, until this one dilemna dampers each and everyday and my control in the situation is futile and non-existant. The funny part, I dont believe she even has a copy....otherwise, what is the big deal? She is so paranoid that I am going to go out on my own and start up a studio---I am not crazy! I am pursuing other options for sure, but I am no threat by any means. It has no bearing....it is just really FRUSTRATING!!!

Otherwise? Well sometimes i really dont like being married. i would rather just run away from all my issues and problems and not have to deal with any of the above crap. Some things I wouldn't have to deal with in Cincinnati. Someone said that I was always miserable. Always looking for something to complain about--or always searching for something wrong. Have I always been like that? Someone said I wasn't trying---like grounding and rooting yourself somewhere is EASY to do --- forgive me if I still have my moments of adjustment! Its not like this particular person had to ever uproot and move, change, grow and start over. I decided to be here, I am here for really one reason...and when that reason is questioned then I want to leave, or leave and bring that reason with me. Yeah, I am a little resentful...its the devil in me. I guess one does not understand the emotional, physical and mental adjustments one needs to make in such a short amount of time. I am trying, I am picky when it comes to who I let in my life....I always have been, thats why I have great friends--no bullshit! I have a couple girls that I love and adore...but when is enough enough? How many friends do I have to have? How many jobs must I go through? How many nights do I have to sit bored and lonely before it hits me? I don't feel grounded. I feel like most of the time there is no plan....what to expect in the next 5 years, and no one to confirm my dreams, but the simple "what will be will be" -- you get nowhere in life waiting for it. Will we stay in Peoria for 5 years? 10 years? No way to answer, but do I seriously ever think we will move? no. is there talk of it? yes. does that put out mixed emotions? yes. Moving wouldnt help anyway.

I need people that truly care, respect, and admire me. I need to be a leader that others look up to. My love language is words of affirmation, hands down....i thrive in them, i roll around and laugh and smile when i know that i am loved--and that impacts every area of my life. I have great starter friends here, but they haven't necessarily gotten to that point yet. I feel like I am not myself anymore. I go to social functions and shy away into a corner--what fun is that? When did that start? I need a close knit community of people that I know will never let me down when I need them. I need to be stimulated emotionally in any other way than dealing with being here and wanting something else. I need to talk about dreams, aspirations, the future, the past...and laugh and cry with people that know where i have been and the potentially for where I am going.

I want to be pursued. I want to feel like life without me is desperate and meaningless. I dont want to be a roommate, or a social aquaintance, I want depth and rooted people. I want thoughts about me and how to make me happy, and actions that follow through. I dont want to do everything. I dont want to always be the one bringing it up. Makes me feel pyscho when I am the only one that seems to notice, or care. I want passion. Not that soap opera shit, but passion that confirms that I belong solely to one person and THE PASSING THOUGHT of me being with ANYONE else, is heartbreaking and utterly DEVESTATING...there shouldn't be an option there to even entertain the idea. It should be snuffed from the beginning...otherwise I see options. Pursued. Desired. Ravished.

I feel protected. I feel loved. I feel successful. I feel content. so what is my problem?

I detest living by other peoples rules. I want to work when I want to work and I want you to trust me that it will get done by the time you need it. I dont want to be called into the office when I did not call walking in the door 5 minutes late. I dont want to hear about it. I want people to not always assume that I can read their minds....you give me shit to work with, Ill give you shit in return. Dont get snobby with me....design your own ads if you think my ideas are shitty (btw, dont you know I am the best you got?) I want a job where my work is appreciated. I doubt I will get that anywhere.

Life is hard. People are selfish. Jobs suck. God seems absent and far far away. I feel this anger and frustration boiling up and I really feel like one day I am going to crack...maybe I am just PMSing.

I am SO tired. This entire week I have wanted to sleep all day. I just want to escape from my life--the stress of the dilemna, the thinking, that over-analyzing, the twists and turns that spin my head. I would like to not have to think about what is going to happen when, but I am a planner. If we have this now, I cant have that till later....and being stalemate in my life waiting for SOMETHING or SOMEONE to make a decision just grates my nerves. I can't make decisions on my own anymore. and I am tired....exhausted thinking about how life will be next month....next year...what if I cant get out of it...that means what? I have to be here another 4 years sulking in my miserable existence? moving would solve it....but as mentioned before, I dont see that ever happening. I want to be free from money, its hold on my future, its power over life. It is not even my money...or my lack thereof. I am trying...but it just seems I get one step forward and two steps back. I hate living above my means, cause in my means, I would be living with Cheryl or Mom. I dont know how other people do it....without there being two of us, I dont think we would survive. I guess you can add that to my resentful list.

So there is a crossroad in my life and three different directions I can take and I cannot take any because I AM WAITING ON OTHERS TO DETERMINE which way I am allowed to go. Do you know how @$#%!* FRUSTRATING that is??

C.Alice

Cardinals vs. Reds

Hello Everyone!
I just got the tickets in the mail for the game in August. And since it is collecting interest on my credit card, I was hoping to get some money! Here is the deal--I have 23 people confirmed, and 2 extra tickets. I also want to be assured that those on the confirmed list pay and get their tickets. With 23 people going, I am not sure how we will meet beforehand or how I will get you your tickets, and honestly I dont want to be responsible for them all!

We are in sun/moon deck $22 per ticket (includes tax and surcharges)

so... send your money to:
Chrissi Pflederer
117 Cotton Lane
East Peoria, IL 61611
also make sure to include your address so I can mail your tickets to you...(i will do delivery confirmation)...

you can also give your money to cheryl or carol (with address where to send tickets to).

If you are on the confirmed list, you have committed to paying for the tickets, so even if you dont go...you owe me for the tickets. =)

All the tickets are in the same area so I am just going to randomly choose tickets to send to you, but i am sure when we actually get to the game we can sit whereever you want in that area.

Thanks so much!

Below is again the CONFIRMED LIST:
1. Chrissi Pflederer
2. Nat Pflederer
3. Amber Tillison
4. Phil Tillison
5. Cheryl Bond
6. Cindy Tucker
7. Sarah Nunery
8. Ben Nunery
9. Becky Palmieri
10. James Palmieri
11. Sarah Craynon
12. Rachel (Sarah Nunery)
13. Stephanie (Cindy Tucker)
14. Emma Gibbons
15. John "Gibbons"
16. Carol Bond
17. Kaitlyn Palmieri
18. Jimi Bird
19. Katie Bird
20.Sarah Ralston
21. Trevor--hahahah I mean, TRAVIS (Sarah Ralston)
22. Hope Yoder
23. Steve Yoder
24. Kaitlyn Palmieri Friend

PAID

If anyone wants the last two tickets...it is first come--first serve.

help me

no one is helping me with my studio name.....

i dont even care if it is alycepaige anymore...just give me some ideas please!!!

Business Minded: Part Deux

So I started this blog and left nothing but a title. So now I am back at it again to try to shed some light on the situation. So I work at the journal star, a newspaper, designing advertising for clients. It is a decent job, i get paid to sit and create all day...it is not stressful and they love me. But I dont plan on being here forever...I plan to do what I have always wanted to do and have a degree to do...photography. So recently I talked with a wedding photographer here in peoria that would pay me to go shoot weddings and then they would do all the ordering and backend part (like albums, etc). It would be a perfect job for me because as katie and becky well know....i am not so good at getting the images i take back to the client...i am quite a procrastinator (although i think money is a good motivator =))---chill out girls...you will get your pictures, eventually. Well after talking to this particular photographer, i asked to shadow him on several weddings to get a feel for how he works...and it was scheduled for this saturday. It also got cancelled, family issues, totally understandable (yet the insecure part of me thinks he is trying to avoid me and coming up with excuses to not hire me cause i am not good enough). Sandy has a friend that is also a photographer that would like some help at weddings and doing portrait work....then vanessa wants pictures, and she referred a friend of hers to have me do her wedding, and i have senior sessions for at least one person in the works and also a couple family portraits to follow up on. I am also working on a special project at work where I will be taking creative group photos at businesses for up to 80 different businesses. so I could potentially have alot of work to do. So I am doing some research on getting a website....a nice professional one, and honestly i dont know much about web design, and i think i have come to terms that it is better if someone else does it. I have a domain name, two actually(alycepaige.com, alycepaigedesign.com), and still deciding on the way i want things to look that reflect me. So I need some help....for ideas...about everything!
Names
1. AlycePaige Design
2. Alycepaige PhotoDesign
3. Alycepaige Photography
4. Alyce Paige
5. Do i even want to be alycepaige anymore?

symbols....i want to stay away from flowers (gender) but maybe stars? camera? anything unique and catchy. Can anyone help? Just to get something started....and find cool unique ideas....the photography i can do, and do it well....its the getting started stuff that just keeps me procrastinating!

HELP!
Mrs. P

Confirmed and Unconfirmed

Here is my list of CONFIRMED people...then there are the unconfirmed...if you are on the unconfirmed, please let me know one way of the other asap, cause i have 25 tickets, and 27 people on my list...
CONFIRMED
1. Chrissi Pflederer
2. Nat Pflederer
3. Amber Tillison
4. Phil Tillison
5. Cheryl Bond
6. Cindy Tucker
7. Sarah Nunery
8. Ben Nunery
9. Becky Palmieri
10. James Palmieri
11. Sarah Craynon
12. Rachel (Sarah Nunery)
13. Stephanie (Cindy Tucker)
14. Emma Gibbons
15. John "Gibbons"
16. Carol Bond
17. Kaitlyn Palmieri
18. Jimi Bird
19. Katie Bird
20. Sarah Ralston
21. Trevor--hahahah I mean, TRAVIS (Sarah Ralston)
22. Hope Yoder
23. Steve Yoder

UNCONFIRMED
24. Scotty Huston
25. Lindsay (Scotty Huston)
26. Amber's Cousin
27. Amber's Cousin
28. Chad
29. Elizabeth
so, if you are on the unconfirmed list and are definately coming, please let me know asap so I can guarantee you a ticket. If you are on the confirmed list, and things have changed, please let me know so I can fill your spot. I have not physically talked to Chad, Elizabeth, Scotty or Lindsay so please someone let me know, or have them contact me. LOVE YOU!

Thanks
Mrs. P

THE GAME IS ON!!!

So I just confirmed our order for the August 16 7:10 game of the St.Louis Cardinals vs the Cincinnati Reds...GO CARDINALS!
I chose the Sun/Moon Deck and we will hopefully get the first couple rows nearest to field (the seats are behind right field).

The tickets will be $22 each (with shipping, tax and surcharges included)...
I ordered 25 tickets and have a confirmed/tentative 24 on my list now, so we might need a couple more to come, but ill let you as I know.

YEAH!! I AM SO EXCITED!!

Mrs. P

Da Game

Ok People
I have a choice between two sets of tickets. One is for the Field Level and they are $33.00 and the other is for the Mezzannine/Sun-Moon Deck and they are $21.00. I havent been to Great American BallPark and not sure which ones are the better seats. I am getting 25 tickets all together and want to make sure I am staying roughly in everyones budget. Here is a pic of the stadium...let me know what you prefer....asap please.



I hope this helps, I think if you click on it it will enlarge for you.

Mrs. P

Reds/Cardinals

Stephanie
Katie
Jimi

Cardinals/Reds Game

Hey Everyone.
i know i sent out an email to many of you and got responses...but just wanted to put it out there once more if you would like to go to the game.
Saturday August 16
6:10 Game
St.Louis Cardinals vs. Cincinnati Reds
cost: $25-40 (still waiting for final number)

If you are interested, please let me know asap.
So far I have 15 people committed to going
1. Chrissi
2. Nat
3. Amber
4. Phil
5. Cheryl
6. Cindy
7. Sarah Nunery
8. Ben Nunery
9. Becky Palmieri
10. James Palmieri
11. Sarah Craynon
12. (possibly) Amber cousin
13. (possibly) Amber cousin
14. Emma Gibbons
15. John "Gibbons"
16. (possibly) Carol
17. (possibly) Todd -- wont bring the dogs if that helps! =)
18. (possibly) Kaitlyn Palmieri

Katie? Sarah R? Abbi B? well??!?!?

I am planning on buying tickets this week...
love you all!
Mrs. P

business minded

Carol has the other one..

There are two pics of this sunset at My. Sinai....this is mine, the other is at carols blog (http://ceb2song.blogspot.com)

i love comments!!

i am a bad blog reader, cause i read but never comment, but I love it when people comment on mine, so maybe, just maybe i might change my ways...

saturday night...still in the works...carol is trying to figure out her schedule and if she is going to work in am or pm so that will determine alot and the main reason for goin to LaRosas is because she would be working....but ill keep you all updated as i know so keep checking up on it.

Mrs. P

In a distant land....

Hmm, what has happened since the last i posted? the only thing really exciting was our sister trip to egypt. We travelled the country for 17 days and saw ALOT of OLD shit! A trip like that is always welcome in my mundane world. It is a reminder of how easy we have it and how much America has to offer, not only in oppurtunities to succeed but also in its beauty and diverse attractions. We went to Sharm el Sheikh, a beautiful beach in the Red Sea...gorgeous in so many ways, and while there I realize that I travelled on 6 planes (from peoria, counting abu simbel) to get there and i was MILES from home...i thought of Florida and California...in my OWN country, I have something to offer so spectacular and yet I never take advantage of it. The trip is refreshing though, especially for my crippled self-image. Its nice to feel beautiful, even if it comes from horny egyptians!
Egypt was great, i love to experience other cultures and learn new languages. The middle east is so welcoming and friendly, especially in Egypt but 99% of the time its because they want to 1. make you their fourth wife, 2. get your into their store to buy something 3. because they are just plain friendly. I didnt meet a mean one yet! It was weird not to see very many women, but they were all at home being wives I suppose. It took me a while to get back in the groove of life, being sick didnt help and going pretty much non-stop for 2 weeks doesnt either. I think I am finally getting some energy back.
I think I got more appreciation of the trip after getting back. I sorted out my Egypt pictures and then my boss wanted me to show them to my co-workers at a pizza party. I relunctantly agreed. I worked out all my images in folders based on location and spent some time figuring out why the temple or location or person was so significant. So now i feel like I have a better understanding of where I went, what I saw and why people stand in awe of it. I have some pretty cool pictures too!

There are some for your viewing pleasure. Carol and Cheryl have been giving me a hard time because it has taken too long to get them their pictures...they should have them this week. I am planning on retouching some of them and either just printing them and framing them or making a hard bound coffeetable book. I think that would be cool to do for Israel too! I went last weekend and got some nice frames for my papyrus paintings, but now i have no idea where to put them. I have so much wall space and no idea what to do with any of it. Unfortunately I dont have a interior design bone in my body.

I have been thinking about going back to school to get my masters or my secondary teachers certificate. I am not sure what I want to do...i just figure that teaching is a perfect career for me because i love to teach others what i know, and i figure teaching graphic design or computer graphics is an up and coming teacher need. I also really like the schedule. It would give me more oppurtunity to market photography to seniors as well as getting holidays and summers off. I jsut think it would be a great mix for me. The idea keeps coming and going, the only downfall is the money aspect. I am sure that after school and getting degree that i would get a job making the same as i do now....but maybe i would enjoy it more!?!?!

I started going to a chiropractor for my back. It has been hurting me for a while but i am jsut the worlds biggest procrastinator and i keep putting it off. We now I am finally going and I feel better, although it has only been twice. I think that it will make me feel better in the long run and hopefully get rid of my headaches. I am also going to weight watchers. I was really diligent before egypt but then went i got back my buddy that goes to meetings with me was busy and then got sick and then had to have surgery so I have been on my own, and it sucks BIG TIME. She is a lot of fun and reminds me Cheryl, and we talk about the same things I would talk to Cheryl about. Hopefully she will be back on the wagon in a couple weeks, then i can show her up! I have lost a total of 11.5, which is good, but I could be doing so much better if I would jsut stay committed. We will see how it goes. I would just really like to get down to pre-marriage weight...I have gained nearly 25 pounds since i married him and 30 since i met him....that is WORSE than the FRESHMAN FIFTEEN!!

So I have started to walk the dogs. Sandy comes over sometimes to help, and granted I have only done it 3 times, its more than i would have! The girls are pretty good on leashes, except for sadie, she hates it and is constantly pulling on it. Its sorta cute and annoying all at once. Otherwise they are all really good...its good for them, cause they (ETTA ESPECIALLY) are OVERWEIGHT. Soon we will all be able to go around the block 4 times without loosing our breath!

I am trying to think of anything more interesting that has gone on in my life, and i honestly am at a loss. Life is day to day now and everything seems so mundane day after day. Jsut trying to get through without having a breakdown. Trying to figure out my life before it passes me by. Ill be 30 this year, and although i still am young and have the rest of my life in front of me, i was thinking that i would have accomplished something significant by now...and i guess I have to most, but there are goals that just never seem to get met and things i want to do that i feel like I am running out of time to get accomplished. I guess i just expected more.

So Nat is in school and working on the unfinished duplex across the street from our house that his sister bought. He will hopefully graduate from school this time next year, if everything goes as planned. The duplex is coming along well, but they still have ALOT of work to do...right now they are working on plumbing and electric, then insulation, walls, mudding, floors, painting, cabinets, doors,....i am tired jsut thinking about it. It has WAY more work to do than our house did...at least we had walls! They got a good deal on it, i jsut hope that get it done soon so that Nat will come back and finish our house! I think there will a lot of yard work in the near future. We are buying some trees with our income tax check and then we are going to work on the yard and landscaping (which i PRAY will help with the muddy floors from no grass, rain and dogs....).

Our house just need final touches...which i think is supposed to take a lifetime to finish. I would really like to get the basement done by this time next year, but I think it depends on the duplex and landscaping. I wouldnt imagine that they would start it before fall, that way boating season is over and its colder and there is really no excuse. =)
I have been trying to get outta debt, and that seems like the hardest thing to do. I am supposed to be using my check to pay off debt and I have it all figured out and how much i was paying with each paycheck and how long it would take. Unfortunately I had to revise my plan and instead of getting out of debt this year, it is going to be Jan 2010 and that is if nothing deters us. I hate/loathe/despise/abore debt...it puts such a strain on life and dreams and things you really want to do...and i know that once i get outta debt ill just use the money to buy more shit...but still....i will be out from under it. I have dreams of studio in basement with lighting equipment and tripods, backdrops and props, then dreams of furniture without teeth marks and hand-me-downs that will make our humble abode look like a house instead of a kennel. One day, my dreams will come!

Owning a house take alot of money....stay with the 'rents as LONG AS POSSIBLE!!

I havent had anything to do at work that last couple days, which makes the says DRAG on, and i would happily read blogs but there are many of you that dont write on a daily basis...you all should aspire to cindy's blogging skills! barely ever misses a day!! I am to blame as well, but life is just plain boring!

so you all should help me figure out my photography niche. Search out some really cool photoshop effects and posing and just unique ideas that no one else has really tried. I think i have a name, but give me some suggestions. I need to get my website built and get some clients under my belt and see if this photography thing will actually give me a decent salary/career...so any and all ideas are appreciated. I know Katies big idea goes something like "after taking pics of kid, show to parents within a year" sorry, babe, it doesnt help that you live in OHIO!! or rather i live in ILLINOIS....all well. when your child is 15, you may get back some baby pics!!! hahahah =)

One day I will be an award-winning photographer...ONE DAY DAMNIT!!

Id like to make the most of my trip while I am there for Becky's wedding so Cheryl and I are proposing to get a group together to go to LaRosas on Saturday night. Let me or her know if you are interested. I think it will be around 6-7pm. then possibly hanging out at cheryls after?!?!? Who knows!! LET THE NIGHT DECIDE!!

i love you all and think of you often
Mrs. P

Snow Day

Semi-Blog

hurling....as in puking in disgust

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/07/27/national/main1843396.shtml

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/10/31/national/main3438079.shtml?source=mostpop_story

wonderful

have i mentioned lately how INCREDIBLE and WONDERFUL my husband is? cause he is!

sdrawkcaB gnioG....(Going Backwards)

I know its been a long time since I have really written, but I have been sorta busy! The house is coming along very well now and things are starting to come together and get finished. It is not as overwhelming as it was a month ago, but we still have a lot of work to do.
I have been really tired lately. I get home at 5 and swear i could sleep till i had to go to work the next morning. I wish i could just shake it. I am blaming it on the house --- finally all the stress is catching up with me and my body needs to rest. I think i might be coming out of it.
I am VERY VERY VERY (times infinity) that Cheryl is coming to visit this weekend. I really need some affirmation of doing such a good job on the house that isnt coming from Nat's family, granted I LOVE Nats family....i love mine more! I also need some sister time and someone there to be with other than just Nat.
I have started making new friends. A group of girls have been going out every wednesday night and it really is awesome for me. I thrive by being around people. I am thrilled to have some girls that are my friends, by my own submission. They are a good fun group of girls and i love hanging out with them. It is very nice to have a place to go where I can learn again how to be social---i have been cooped up so long i felt like I was not only losing myself but also the confidence to be anything good for anyone else...
I have been researching a new camera. I think i have basically decided on Nikon (over Canon) but still havent narrowed down which model i want. I am thinking the new Nikon D300 or D3 (coming out brand new in November!), there is another one too but I cant remember what model it is. I am trying to stay in a reasonable price range, but I also want a significant upgrade from what I have. I am sorta jealous of Cindy's showings and stuff. She is motivating me to get back into it again. Its been a while and I am really rusty.
I have also been looking into lighting and backdrops and plan to go around Peoria looking for some cool and new places to take pictures. Maybe that will help even more to get out of this rut.
I have been wanting to go to church lately, but just havent gone. I kind of dont want to be a fraud, but then i guess we all are so it doesnt really matter. I miss HIM, my heart aches and i know he is the CURE. It is also a great place to get connected to even more people, I just dont want that to be my sole reason for going...i am sick of not being there though...i just feel so empty and need to be filled up...know what i mean?
So i have been re-evaluting myself..like a personal psycho-analysm. reflecting back on my past and where i want to go and trying to figure out why i live so much in my failures rather than turn them into something beautiful and rewarding. I struggle with 2 main things in my life that I just cant shake. They have been demons in my life for at least a decade if not more. I blame my mom for one, I blame society for the other...but really i need to blame myself for both of them. I have control over me and my actions, but addictions are tough to kick. I am determined for about 3 days then my flame fizzles out. I come up with tons of excuses why I fail...i make "valid" excuses of why I cant follow through. Then i noticed a sort of trend, not only in those 2 areas of my life, but also spilling over to everything else. A lack of confidence in my abilities to do anything successfully...continually coming up with excuses why I cant. I remember in high school, when i was playing volleyball that I would fake a pulled muscle to keep from having to run or jump or even play. I look at photography and starting a studio and i think, i need a better camera, more lighting, studio (all that before I can even go out and take random pictures)...it is really pathetic. If it wasnt for Nat, I wouldnt even have the confidence to put together a portfolio and get the job I currently have...i probably wouldnt even have looked past the IDEA of it...coming up with tons of excuses why they would never hire me....when in fact they were WAITING for me and my specific talents. funny eh? I dont want to keep myself from living anymore because of mundane excuses why something cant be done...even before I try!
I think thay may be the stem of some of my depression lately, feeling like I am letting myself go, not losing her, but not taking ownership of myself, my flaws (and rectifying them) and my talents (and expressing/using them). I guess my excuse is that i am just lazy, but doing nothing irritates me more than running around with my head cut off. I would much rather have 2 jobs and an avid social life then time to sleep or sit and do nothing or just watch tv. I am much happier that way i think. That is definately where Nat and I differ. He doesnt feel the need to make friends, have a social life or even do much of anything beyond what he is doing. I think he is just as scared as I am to change the course life has been on for so long. its scary to change....it bring about the unexpected..the unpredictable...and also the greatest rewards. Maybe I am wrong...maybe he just really is content with himself and life...i guess i am the one with all the issues...
Everyone has those days when they hate life...hate their jobs, their selves, their everything...I dont really have them very often, but i think i would like to stop...go to a beach, relax, not think about anything pressing other than the sound of the waves. It will be a long time before I get that vacation. The Egypt trip will wipe me out of all of my vacation and person days in one hit....i think i even have to take days without pay. I think it will be worth it. Nat doesnt like the idea of taking a brand new camera across the world..but isnt that the point of buying it? to use it! I think I have decided that whatever gift someone gives me should be photography related...camera, lenses, backdrops, lights, props....etc etc. It used to be like that...every christmas i just got one more big photography related item...then i graduated college and havent really got anything since. I think alot has to do with that we are all poor and photography stuff is expensive.
anyway, i should probably get back to work....as much as i truly love it...

love you alls
c.ALIce

Before/After

Office Before


Office After


Utility Room Before


Utilty Room After


Living Room Before


Living Room After


Master Bath Before


Master Bath After


Master Bedroom Before


Master Bedroom After


Dining Room Before


Dining Room After


Entry Before


Front Before


Front After


Brick Close Up



Kitchen Before


Kitchen After



Wall After


Sexy Husband

home sweet home

so its been a LONG time since i have been on my blog, more or less written anything. Here is the update: we finally got our house and we have been working on it non-stop really since we signed! Today our kitchen cabinets started being installed and hopefully by the end of the week we will have all the hardwood installed and most everything outside (siding and brick and gutters, etc) -- this has really been the first day i have not had to do anything on the house and i am so tired...except i need to get an album done and i am REALLY procrastinating. But i think i deserve a break...i am going to take some more pictures and download them later (before and after) so you can see what we have done!

i guess ill write more later cause i am tired and dont really have much more to say...

c.ALIce

update

I am so tired of making decisions, or even the thinking about making decisions. I tihnk that this house is going to be a money pit and we are going to spend more on it than we can afford, but Nat is confident we will be ok...i am just a worry-wart. I keep trying to convince myself to not worry, but its inevitable.
Egypt is a go, which is awesome...the tickets are purchased and i am looking forward to harnessing some photography skills before I go so I can take some spectacular photos...I am not sure I will have time with all the house stuff though. Alhtough in this house i can envision my "studio" and even a darkroom (that is if Nat can sacrifice some of the basement for me! Photography is an expensive business, and I need to go to more seminars to catch up with all the technology.
Tomorrow we are going to have a spa day, something we cant really afford (topic of choice today) but something we deserve for all our hard work on the old house, and i suppose preparation for all the hard work on the new house. We are supposed to sign for both of them on the 30th of July. Nat wants to move everything into the new house i suppose in the back bedrooms, and then live with his dad for a week (but i estimate longer). No big problem with that expect for the dogs...its one thing to tear my house up with dog claws and hairiness, but it is something totally different is destroying someone elses house...i just dont think its a smart idea, and if something happens, it will never be lived down. Not to mention he has fairly brand new hardwood floors....i just think we spend that one week in our house (since we really have till the end of August) and not rush everything so much, cause we really have no control over other people.
I have been feeling like shit lately. I have been overly tired and stressed out. I just want to crawl under a rock and die. I am dealing with many issues, other than just the house. that is just a small peice of that thoughts go through my head. I am just in a hard place right now.
I have finally finished retouching the Burchett reunion and next hopefully will be Katie and Olivia. All i need to do now is order them--that should only take a couple hours, to check and recheck to make sure i ordered them all. I also need to burn the DVDs...I also have projects from Ona and trying to get the business together...and passport and oh God, i am just stressing myself out!!
I just thought i would give an update and hopefully get some friendly encouragment!

Love ya
c.ALIce

oh yeah, to get an idea of the house we are buying, pics are here: http://chrissialice.blogspot.com

missing him

nat left yesterday for turkey..yes the country...he wont be back till next sunday. i am very excited for him. he is going to train CAT dealers on how to use the software he supports. but i miss him....a lot!

now..

i am feeling a LITTLE better, but still dont enjoy looking for houses!

faith. frustration. failure. fickle.

That pretty much sums up my life...i am lacking in faith that this is where I am supposed to be. I am frustrated that i havent been to one house that i like and the one i like is pretty much outta reach. I am a failure in more than one area...and I am fickle...i have no idea what i want!

i feel hopeless, stressed, frustrated, angry, and confused!!

WE SOLD THE HOUSE!!!

thats it..just thought id share...homeless again!

c.ALIce

comfort (er) destroyed

There was a time when our bed was adorned with a ratty old comforter, with holes and so thin you could see through it. then while on a magical trip to Kohls (and 30% off coupon) i found it, the perfect comforter, mainly because of the reasonable price, yet besides that, it was beautiful, funky beautiful (pic at http://chrissialice.blogspot.com). I loved it, a pride came over me when i put it on the bed and it looked nice, and not like a homeless person's cardboard box.
Thanks to a couple mischevious girls, the comforter has met its demise, in less than a week, the comforter now shares the same fate as the former and now has a huge hole in it and until i am bold, brave or stupid enough, i will spend my hard earned money on another comforter, but until then, i guess my "nice things" phase will have to fade quickly.

Now some "un-dog-lovers" will bitch that maybe we should 1. get rid of the dogs (like my husband would allow that!) 2. lock the girls out the bedroom (did that, but door did not cooperate) 3. dont buy new things (yes, yes, cause i want to surround myself with objects that look like they have been rat-infested). But something WILL be done, whether that means that Nat's precious lil girls will very soon become outside dogs or well in my angered state, that seems like a only and damn good solution!

thats all, figured i would share!

c.ALIce

Did I Mention Part 2...

well i am home and its almost surreal that I dont have a list of things to do to the house once i got here. I am almost bored, but believe me I have plenty to keep my busy and entertained. i have a list of photos that need retouching and projects to do and just relaxing will be the main part for just a bit and that will be nice. Nat is in school again and although he only has two classes, they seem to be very difficult and time consuming. I am so proud of him and I know he will finish and with flying colors!
I have seen the adorable Olivia and also the adorable McKinley --another big thing in my life is that my friends are having babies. They seem to be everywhere. I feel a little left out, but I know its not time yet, at least not till we move and get settled. I am hoping that selling this house will put us in a very good financial position, or at least 10X better than we are in now...and that is one step closer to feeling ready for kids...although I am not sure I will ever be ready...Nat on the other hand is a natural...
a new phase of new me is starting today...
12 week countdown. Carol and I and maybe Cheryl are going to Niagara Falls! I am excited. I think we are going to Cedar Point as well. carol planned the whole trip and she is a good planner -- i am just thrilled to be looking forward to a vacation. I am going to KY on June 30th for Moms side of the family reunion. I will be the official photographer with cheryl as my side-kick...its quite the sight to see...us bicker and grip but get some great shots in the process.

well i better try to find something to do...love ya all

C.ALIce

Did I Mention...?

I have a few minutes before I leave from work and really dont feel like working anymore, so figured I'd write a bit. I think i have mentioned before that I really thought the 2007 was going to be the year of change, with my personal motto being "New year, New you!" Its definately been a year of change so far, slow but surely.
As you already know I have a job, a real one, some days I hate it and some days i dont. I have actually considered in the last week or so about going back to school to get my teacher's certificate insecondary education so I can have my summers off and most major holidays. I was looking for schools that had 12-14 month accelerated masters programs with teacher cert...i found a couple, but didnt devote too much time to them.
Also, for those that dont know, and I assume most of you dont..today is day 35 of me not smoking. Its been hard and easy and lately my cravings have been really bad, but I have not succumb to the temptations! GO ME!
This weekend Nat and I put our house on the market OFFICIALLY and had Open House on Saturday and Sunday. We had 6 couples walk through and today we had someone call and say they were coming back and talking to the bank for pre-approval. So it may happen alot sooner than we anticipated. I guess we should start looking for a place to live eh? Moving to Peoria will be a good change I think as far as being able to get connected into a community. I think Nat needs to get out of Tremont although i have come to love and adore the house and it is perfect for us and the girls...its actually the girls I am most worried about...they will go through culture shock and we will have to either build another (perfect) fence or tie them out again or buy a house with a fence...house remodeling take 2...
I found a new friend! Her name is Sandy and I think she will be my saving grace here! We have much in common and she is so sweet and nice and welcoming. I really think that we will get along great. Our schedules have collided over the last couple weeks but we made a date to hang out next saturday and i am really excited. I also had a breakfast date with grandma pflederer planned that day, and poker on friday so it will be a fun-packed weekend!
Nat is leaving for Turkey (yes the COUNTRY) on June 22nd and he will be coming back on July 1st. He is going there to train some Cat dealers, or something. I am excited for him and wish I could go, but I have a real job and no money!
Vanessa is moving back to Illinois that weekend as well. I am not sure how long she is planning on staying, but she is leaving LA and moving here....that i am TOTALLY excited about!! YEAH!!!
Just seems like life is falling together for us and its excited and scary and I know there is more change to come before the year is out!!

ill write more later....maybe...if you are lucky!

c.ALIce

Tremont House

here is a link to the pics of house if anyone is interested in the improvements...if you've been here, you would see they difference....

http://chrissialice.blogspot.com

YEAH

IM AN AUNT!!!

one question

why doesnt anyone ever come visit me?

decisions..changing

I am not sure whats wrong with me....why am i so discontent here in
Illinois. I havent really attempted going out and making friends
cause Nat and I go back and forth every 2-3 months whether we are
moving or staying. I guess I dont see myself raising kids in
Illinois. It is just too far from my sisters and family. I want my
kids to be raise with their aunts and cousins and friends' kids. Now
all my friends are starting to have kids in Ohio. Of course I am a
couple years off (ideally) but still, i like the idea of all my
friends getting together to take our kids to kings island or the
zoo. I like the idea of raising my children in the tight-knit
community I grew up in. Thats my only real issue. I dont want to
be here. What is so horrible about Ilinois? nothing really--just
lonesome. All Nats friends are already married and their kids are
like 12, just feels like a different place in life. The other
friends are ok, but still in the awkward stage and I just dont see
what we have in common...maybe i am just not trying hard enough.
You know when you meet someone and you know they will be your friend
for a long time? There is that instantious friendship and weird
cosmis bond that makes a deep friendship. I guess I just keep
comparing everyone to my friends back home...I want an instant friend
with comfort and history. So what do you do? Do you stay and force
yourself to go find a community of people that will doubtfully
compare to the ones you have, or do you move to be with those people,
or at least ALOT closer?
Its like my heart is torn, knowing that I finally found a job (for
now) and seems to be perfectly tailored for me-- and also starting
over again somewhere else. I am scared to go back to Cincinnati
because I dont want to fall right back into how I was when I was
there. Cause when i lived there before I left for Cincinnati, I was
miserable because even though I had friends, I never saw them. For
some reason I just think it will be different. There just seems to
be more open doors in Cincinnati; photography company with Cheryl,
hanging out with Amber more (cause since college I think i have seen
her 4-5 times but talk to her on the phone AT least once a week),
being closer to family and friends, being able to rely on someone
other than my husband and his friends and family for a social life, a
church i love, experiencing another era of life with those closest to
me...and sharing my new life with them...growing older with each
other, having kids together, maybe go back to school to get MRI
degree or something else. Then there is the other option...stay in
Illinois, love my husband, hope for big raises and start having
kids...hang out with g-ma yoder and g-pa pflederer and all Nats
family. Try to make friends with people around here, find a church
that we both enjoy...basically we would stay in tremont, go to a
church similiar to new bethel and lots of people that grew up
together and trying to somehow fit into that crowd...hell we've been
here for nearly 2 years and still havent made any progress-=its like
trying to fit into our nbbc crowd, you could, but you would still
always be an outsider. Maybe I am a pessemist. Maybe I am just not
trying hard enough...i know I am not. But where do I begin? Like I
was telling Nat, if we could just finally decide to stay or
go....maybe I could settle down...but in the same sentence, I hope
its not stay here. Maybe its just hormones, but I just want to cry
all day. Its not like my life sucks that bad. I am pretty damn
blessed actually. I am surrounded by people that love me--i have a
good job---what else really do I want?
So how do you decide what to do? You have one aspect that staying
here will be good for Nats career (ideally), that own kids will be
surrounded by people that love them and lavish on them (namely
grandparents) and there are good churches and communities to get
involved in if we, or rather i, would actually do it. and Nat likes
it here. Then there is the aspect that he would do anything for me
if I asked, and I guess I fear to take advantage of that and making
him give anything up. cause basically am i not taking him from all
he knows and planting into MY city. So is it better to find a happy
medium somewhere? Not moving to Cincinnati, but close enough that I
can go whenever I want..but then whats the point...i would still be
in a place where i didnt know anyone and pretty much in the same
situation, just not peoria. Now, would I be happier in Peoria rather
than Tremont. To be closer to the city rather than 30-40 minutes
away. Maybe if we were closer that would make it better? i dont
think so....but who knows. What do we do? We are going back and
forth about it all the time...not arguing, but discussing all the
pros and cons...he has pros for being here and I have pros for
leaving! I just think his career is important and its important that
he loves what he does, but that he also makes enough to support a
family. I definately dont want to be struggling financially for much
longer, and ESPECIALLY when we start having kids. We would be pretty
comfortable right now if it wasnt for all the debt...so thats
promising...but moving away would be me quitting my job and us
selling the house, then I would have to find another job and
hopefully enjoy it like this one (it is fine now, but i wonder how
long i will be able to stand it--guess it depends on how much changes
with the new company). Granted selling the house would get us outta
more debt...its still taking a pay cut and ultimately spending more
to live (cause the house payment now is pretty low and i am not sure
we could get that anywhere else.) see how it can go back and forth
endlessly!
stay, go, stay, go, stay, go, stay. go......i wish we could just
decide!! Do we just think too much? I guess I just want some
unbiased input. Maybe list our priorities and figure out how what we
have fits or doesnt, or if we have to be here to accomplish all those
goals----we just need to decide what we want and what is most
important, i guess....
anyway, I am sure that was overly scatterbrained and made no
sense....all well.
c.ALIce

Partnership

So its been almost a year that I have been married.� I think it feels about right.� I dont feel like ive been married for 20 years or so comfortable or in a groove that we have it all figured out.� Above all and everything I LOVE MY HUSBAND.� �I couldnt imagine life with anyone else.� He seriously is the other half of me.� He builds me up in the areas of my life where the building up helps me grow in things i lack confidence in.� He encourages me the best he knows how--- and even I am not sure how to let him encourage me (especially in the areas of my life where I want to remain control or feel the most hopeless in) which brings me to my "thought".� Marriage requires partnership...and as of yet, that is the HARDEST thing to learn.� SO lets investigate...what is a partnership?
According to dictionary.com the definition is "A relationship between individuals or groups that is characterized by mutual cooperation and responsibility, as for the achievement of a specified goal"� or otherwise the "the state or condition of being a partner; participation; association; joint interest."� Partner is defined as "One that is united or associated with another or others in an activity or a sphere of common interest, especially:"� I personally think the first defination is the best to make my point.� A 'mutual cooroperation' and 'responsibility' to achieve a specified goal.� Now I mentioned that my husband is fantastic..he loves me SO much and I never have a doubt of his sincerity and depth of love and admiration for me (ok, other than a couple days a month due to ragin hormones...but still DEEP down I KNOW).� There are certain things in my life that I am very defensive with...and things I have struggled with for a long time.� They are goals that I have made for myself yet have never accomplished.� I shared my heart with him and try to open up and let him know that I am trying to psuh through, accomplish these things, and yet I still fail.� Now understand that our mentalities are different in this respect.� He says "well baby, if you want to lose weight, then just do it"� sounds so simple and non-complicated and really takes it to its core..Just DO It...sounds like a Nike commercial.� I on the other hand can have determination and will to accomplish these goals for a short while and then its like my fire just burns out.� The problem arises when he attempts to keep me accountable.� I resist it and determine myself not to let his encouragement influence me...its like something inside flips and I get defensive and hard-headed. Where did my fight against 'authority' come from?� So this is where the dying to me comes and where marriage begins.� So the hardest thing to step down from is my pride..."dont tell me how to do something, dont tell me I cant do something - mentality"� This is the most trying of all places in marriage...this is where you decide whether you want a partner in life and if so, you move closer together to accomplish a goal, or you decide to resist the help (my disposition) and move a little farther away from your marriage and the trust and encouragement and friendship--because after a while he is going to give up and not push that button anymore and I fear that I will lose a bit from our foundation because of that.
So partnership...taking responsibility that its OUR life, not MY life...cooperate mutually with him to accomplish a goal...even though its ultimately up to me to actually do it, but to open my heart and mind and soul (letting down my pride) to allow him to encourage, motivate, and even discipline me.� To not take offensive to his sweet pleading..dont clam up and feel like a failure when he wants to stand beside me and help me not BE a failure...dont do it out of spite just to prove to someone that I am ultimately in control of what do, when and how I do it.��
If you know me at all, you know I have been a rebel, or rather have dealt with my pride, for most of my life.� If someone says I cant do something, I am damn well going to do it--within reason of course.� My heart has always been torn because of this.� For instance, I want to a woman of God that people respect and admire and that feeling still comes up when people say "you can be so much more"---for some reason I feel like keeping people from "being right" about my life, gives me some boasting rights about proving them wrong.
There was an instance last weekend where Nat scoft at something I did because he didnt want me to do it---knew i wanted to change and was trying to keep me accountable.� At the time I was defensive...i had no answers when he asked me what he had to do to keep me accountable.� It took me a couple days and it finally dawned on me--it was about my pride and this feeling I had towards him was not anger but resistance, and I didnt know why...now it has a name, and it makes sense to me what I need to do is not necessarily MY plan for life...but the plan that makes OUR life better.