flOOOOOHHHHrrridddaaaa....(zzzzZzZZZ)

i am exhausted. nothing like spending all day in an airport to make someone veering to get to work. i am tired. did i mention that? i have been tired alot lately actually, cant figure out what my problem is. i miss Nat. Two more weeks, thats all...then i can get a hug, and a kiss. Its amazing how much you can miss about someone. I am sure the vacation is doing him well, but I am anxious to get "home." so i started this little project, but I cant talk about it. i know, im evil, but i dont want to ruin the surprize!! I have been in Cincinnati all week pretty much, but unable to go anywhere because of my lack of transportation. It makes me feel helpless, but at the same time i really like it. i like not having the burden of a car payment or an insurance payment, there is a certain freedom in that. It doesnt make me want to work less, or unproductively, but it just allows my money to go elsewhere. The story is long and drawn out how i got here, why i made certain decisions and so on and so forth, but its my business.
i really feel like i am in a great place in my life. like i have been given a new start, with a companion to deal with me. i feel bad though. i feel in the process of pursuing this new avenue of life that i am slowly letting go of who i used to be. i have changed so much over the last 6 months, and learned much about myself and what i want (and that not being based on others opinions). i almost feel at a loss at trying to reconnect to people. i dont feel like i have anything to say, my life has changed. it has become what i didnt like about other friends, all the talk about one person, and in an effort not to be that person, i just dont say anything at all. honestly, i love talking about my new found passion, but dont want to wear the subject out so much that people get sick of it. its weird when life changes. people have a certain hostility to the change. though they are happy for the experiences and the new adventure, they are somewhat selfish...almost making one feel guilty for moving on. its not bad. i truly treasure all my friendships with people, but i am not sure where they will end up. i will have to make new friends in illinois, and that will change the dynamics of the friendships i currently have. i guess i dont write on here much anymore because i feel like i dont have much to say. I share most everything (if not everything) with Nat, which means i really dont have to talk to anyone else.
i really think this job was made for me. i still have much to learn, but i am confident that i will eventually catch on, and hopefully in not too far in the future that they cast me aside as a lost cause. i think i can be very successful in this business, but i have to put 150% into it, and that takes discipline and hard work, but it makes it alot easier when it is already something i am passionate about. it incorporates all these things i am good at...and yet it is still challenging and open ended. i really want to take this oppurtunity and go with it, and not slack and miss it.
see how it just seems like life is working out. I am seriously in awe of how much i can love one person, and how much i feel secure in a relationship with a guy. i am in awe of the timing, of both the man and the job. what could i possibily had done to make this happen, it was totally out of my control. I am just glad that I am working out the pressure to do what people think you should do. what do i really want? I dont want to miss out on things because i dont want to put anyone out (including my future husband). i have become so passive, its not bad, i like it, but i also dont want to miss out on anything because i want to make everyone happy...see how that "people pleasing" just creeps right in.
so what do i do? how do you figure out what you really want and how you really want to do something when you always have people giving their two cents. last time i checked, i was living my life. its so aggrevating, its a constant battle for me.
yaknow, i really feel like i am in a place where i want to get back on track with God, and its not for the usual reasons of "getting right because i was in the wrong" but I want to because I want to live a full life. I want to experience everything within the context of HIS love, because it is always better that way. Its for me. Not for anyone else. I went to church on sunday, and i had been dying to go for a while, and i was sitting there remembering why i barely went when i was in cincinnati, because it felt so lonely. I dunno, I want my relationship with GOD to be a different level, beyond just going to some random church because I feel like i need to, though i understand the importance of its community. I want to go so much deeper, and most churches dont offer that kind of experience, its something you truly have to seek out on your own. one thing i loved about the vineyard was the classes (like prayer training) which gave you a safe place to explore the depths of God beyond sunday morning. thats the kind of life i want, to dig deep into the heart of God, and in doing that, give others a safe haven to go deeper. I want to see others see God as a person rather than a deity. To allow HIM to penetrate their lives and hearts, which in turn transforms a life of a pharisee to a life of a disciple. To make it real and genuine and not just another thing to do on their "to-do" list.
one day at a time. thats all you can really do. cant have too many expectations. but to make the most with what is given and right in front of you.
love you all
c.ALIce

i am fine, promise

carol was sorta getting on me because i havent written in a while but no one really has, doesnt mean that life doesnt go on, just means that life either got too complicated or too busy. mine is the latter. about two weeks ago i started working with levi, which is briefly explained in my other entries. basically i am designing anything from logos to websites (for now). i have done several brochures and various other projects. i feel a little overwhelmed right now with the conclusion that college sucks and i spent too much money for nothing. but i have learned so much in the process. i am a bit frustrated because i feel like such an amateur, but i will survive, because it is something that i really want to pursue, and it is worth it to get where i want to be. its just alot of teaching yourself, refershing yours memory and getting creative again. i really like working from home, its much harder that way, one must be more determined, but i love it. levi is great, i like much better to be his friend, a lot less drama and heart ache, and since i met Nat, i really look back and think "what the hell was i thinking" levi is still a great friend, but i am glad i am over that. and i know all of you agree.
i have been working at jonahs, hating it. i am not sure i will go back after my trip. oh yeah, the trip. i am currently in ohio, staying at home (well, sisters) for a week then flying down to florida to stay with levi for training, then i will go back to illinois. its the longest i have been away from Nat, i think we will survive. That is still going great. I cant believe i have stayed with one person for this long and not fought or gotten on each others nerves (i can push some buttons, but i dont think i have gotten too out of control). i did have one of those nights where i cried because i felt so utterly overwhelmed all at once, and thinking about what i was really doing. i let it out, and i appreciate him more. i am in awe that i get to spend the rest of my life with him. its such a healthy relationship (not because we dont fight, but because we can talk about it). i hope that everyone gets to expereince this kind of relationship, and that it will last.
well i am broke. LA was not the most fiscal acheivement of my life, but you deal and move on. i will be ok, will take some time to get back on my feet still because i have like 100 to my name, and i owe it to someone. i wish there was money coming in, but i doubt i will get the apartment deposit back (although i didnt sign anything so i should be reimbursed when a new roomie moves in), and other than that, theres nothing. plus all the debt i accrued while there, i am looking into my options. it is very humbling and it makes me feel so helpless. i have always been in the money, not so much that i was wealthy, but comfortable in my means. i hate not being able to be generous because i dont have anything to give. i am blessed with amazing people in my life that are generous, though sometimes hard to accept their gifts, i am learning more and more about "recieving" (remember my issues).
lately i feel an insurge of a desire to seek after GOD creep in. its been a while since i have had the inkling. I just want to take time and spend with HIM and get reaquainted. i understand a little better how relationships are maintained, and in that i see how i have failed HIM, but not really failed, just lacked devotion. there are so many things i have to be thankful for, and i dont want to cheat myself from a fuller life.
well there is not much else right now. love nat, hate jonahs, in ohio, going to florida, working with levi, happy, content, lovestruck....
abby: glad you love your new house, cant wait to come visit. i bet "butch" is huge.
amber: want to come up, or you come down (but frankly cant afford the gas and not sure when it is feesible)
steph: anytime is good, and call me
kati: you need to 1. update your blog 2. call me
sa: good to see you
carol: train your dog
cheryl: get carol to train her dog =)
jen e: hello??!??! how are the wedding plans?
nessa: do you even read this?
sarah c: reading, will comment later. how is life? stormy?
Nat: you really are incredible, miss you, love you (kisses)

thats all for now...ill try to update it better.
c.ALIce

2:53

it is nearly 3am and i cant sleep. i am being bombarded with lots of emotions and can seem to settle myself down. why does life have to be so hard? its like my insides are always torn, like i cant get settled or figure anything out, or be safe for too long without something going wrong. life is too good right now, other than my girlie emotions creeping in, and i almost feel like at any moment its all just going to fall apart. Nat is wonderful. i dont know if God could've given me anyone more perfect. Its a process though. i dont really like jonahs, more because i feel like the work for the money is a waste of time, but i admit i was spoiled by encore (you mean you dont walk out with over 100 every night without sidework?!?!?). the people are getting better, just have to avoid certain ones, and its fine. i really like working for levi even though i am overwhelmed with everything i dont know. joshy (my boss) has been great. i know i can do well, just getting past the learning curve. I have an interview on friday with portrait innovations, i think i talked about it before. i am excited. i think it will be better than jonahs by still bettering myself as far as photography goes. i seriously think i am pmsing, there is really no other reason for all my self inflicted drama. i over-analyze too much. its hard to just let go though, hard to just say, ok,no matter what happens, or what anyone says, i am going to be happy, and making steps towards that. i have been so tired this week. i think with the learning curve i worked 40+ hours with levi, plus jonahs on top of that, changing sleeping schedule, dinners and hanging out. it sucks because now is the perfect time for me to sleep and not have to worry about getting up, and here i am 3am, typing quietly as not to disturb nat, though i seriously doubt he can even hear. there is nothing wrong with me, i am not depressed, angry or frustrated...i cant even put it into words, i just feel burdensome. i long so much for peace, i have a peace from GOd that everything will be ok, i have a peace about where i am and who i am with, i have a peace about job situations, but still, i long for everything to come without a struggle...pipe dreams. i dont remember life being so complicated. i just have to stop thinking......ugh!!!
night

read this....agree or disagree

http://meplainandtall.blogspot.com

44 DAYS

I have known my future husband for 44 days. and i have 44, 000 reasons why i would choose him again every day!!! (that was for you babe....kisses)

one day at a time

it was good to hang out this weekend. its so hard to come home sometimes because there is just not enough time to spend quality time with all the people i want to, but i enjoyed the party at cindy's place and the cookout at kate and jimi's....i definately needed it.
i got to hang out with my sisters and emma and steph. they havent seen me since before i left for california so we had a lot of catching up to do. it was a hard weekend emotionally because many hurts and scars from the past surfaced and i became scared that Nat was going to reject me. of course he has not given anything less than affirmation, but being away and not having the constant affirmation was somewhat of a struggle.
i hate my job, they are so mean. last night i was done with all my sidework and silver and stood there for 45 minutes waiting for todd (my least favorite, actually putting the word favorite at all is an overstatement), to cash me out. then on my way home, the exit i usually take was closed so i had to go the long way. its more frustrating because i really wanted to get home and see nat before he went to bed, but that was not going to happen.
i am starting to get some work with levi. i even have an email address (cbond@virtuallnk.com...multimedia developer) i am apprehensive but excited. it is a great time to learn but still i am somewhat on my own. he hasnt given me anything yet, but i should have projects by the beginning of next week. its more like a trial period i think, but he is still paying me (per project for now, then hourly eventually). i talked to a lawyer about filing bankrupcy. it will reduce my monthly payments by nearly 1200. that will be great. somehow have to come up with some lawyer fees, but i have a couple weeks to get my stuff together. i feel like such a great burden has been lifted from me, and i feel like i can do more in life without having to deal with it anymore. it sucks, but i really dont have any other options at this point.
nessa is in illinois this week and next, it sucks to work on the weekends!!! i am going to their moms house in sunday for dinner and then hopefully next week nessa and i will go to hang out together. i am glad she is here, its great to have oppurtunities to hang out with good friends.
i want a job where i dont have to work on the weekends unless i choose to. i go back and forth about what kind of work i want to do. at this point i just want to have a job where i dont have to work at Jonahs anymore. i think i am just over serving, despite the fact i am making decent money and it is on a day to day basis, but i am just done with certain people. i dont like feeling like someone will bitch at me at any time. one day i will lash back at him and he will not even know what hit him. cause i am like that...let issues boil up inside until i just get to a certain point then i just blow. i should really work on that.
i dread everyday that i have to go in there. the people i work with are so stuck up and the money is alright, but not worth the headache. i will stick with it until i know that i have a job that i can survive on, but as soon as that comes along, i am GONE. i think i am still going to work on the photo business, just because it is extra money on the weekends and stuff.
i have had so much time on my hands and there is still a long list of things i want to accomplish. it has more to do with the fact that i dont have the money to get it started. i would have to pay for photos and websites and advertising, so that is the main reason. but iw ill do it eventually, dont doubt me just yet.
You can only take life one day at a time. i cant expect to have it all figured out now...whether love, job, or future. I have to take each day and make the most of it. today i ran a bunch of errands and got alot accomplished. it was good. nat and i went on a walk, its always nice to take a walk with him. we talked about stuff. i really like him alot. he makes me happy!! you can only live day to day because there are no promises of anything else. so each day you have to decide what you want to do and who you want to be, and live that out. you just got to stop and BREATHE sometimes and let life give you the low blows to realize what you true desires are. i am so thankful for where i am right now. i am thankful that i have someone that is being SO patient with me, i dont think i do enough to show him how much i care.
just in case you hadnt noticed, i blocked anonymous from my blog, mainly because of ads and also because people that dont sign their name are rude. so they can suck it, cause if one thinks that they are "strong" enough to criticize, they also should have the confidence to sign their name....it really does bother me!! i got 4 anonymous posts within 2 minutes of posting...STOP THE SPAM!!
i am excited because its the beginning of FOOTBALL season, which means it is PATRIOT TIME!!! i know i am retarded but i think it is fun. luckily my team and nats team are in different leagues. He is a Packer fan (i really dont know if i can handle that...i mean he has to be MAD!! hahah) i like the Patriots because they play good football and they are a team that focuses more on playing a good game and being apart of a great franchise instead of making all the money. i am confident they will do well this year because there are so many great players although they lost their defensive and offense coaches and also bruschi will be out all year (had a stroke last year after the superbowl).
anyway, i am done...i am sure there is more i can talk about considering i havent for such a long time, but i think that will strain your eyes for now.
love you all!!
c.ALIce

dont really feel like it

i know that i havent written in a while. but frankly i just dont feel like it. nothing too interesting has been going on. i am trying to figure out how to come home this weekend, which depends alot on work. I would love for Nat to come with me, but it depends on when i will be off work. i am pretty homesick. today i cleaned. i had a list of things that i needed to get done and didnt accomplish much. but i have to say, the basement is clean, for the most part. Of course, like dad, I could always find something to do. i am trying to pace myself so that i dont get burnt out, but i actually enjoy it. Gives me something to do during the day and it will help to sell the house in the long run. I took pictures so that we could put it on FSOB.COM (for sale by owner). WE will see how it goes.
Yesterday was actually very busy, we went to church at Nat's dad's church. We were all supposed to go out to eat afterwards, but Nat had to work (he was oncall) so Ken/Dad and I went to Crackel Barrel, then we came back to the house and Nat and I went to Walmart, then Brinlee and Josh came over and we went to eat at Ruby Tuesday's. We then came back to the house and went on a walk (all four of us). Then Nat and I went to Ben and Joanna's to play Monopoly. I think that is the busiest day I have had since i got here. But it was all very fun. Its nice to hang out with other couples, and get to know other people.
Well I am sorta out of it, so I think I will stop there...see really not that interesting. But hopefully I will be able to come home this weekend and see everyone!!
later loves
c.ALIce

what should i do....

so a bit has changed. i took the jetta back yesterday, a long story, but i think it was the best decision. i have slept at brinlee and joshs for the last two nights...and that is ok. just trying to work through it i guess. met Nat's mom yesterday, we went to dinner and then back to her house for talking. told the story of how Nat and I met and also how her and her husband met. it was nice.
i have been pondering over past relationships with guys. Not that I have really had that many, but nevertheless. I just think about all the different people i have had crushes on, and the one i loved, and tried to figure out why i forced myself to try to be so intimate when deep down I knew it was wrong. It was like i was willing to settle because I didnt really think that anyone else would come around, and that how i really wanted was a pipe dream and didnt really exist at all. I dont want any of my friends to make lifetime commitments with someone that just doesnt seem right. But I understand that everyone relates to people in a different way, and sometimes I dont understand, but they are happy. Relationships between two people can be somewhat illusive. When my sister Carol started dating Todd, at first I was happy for her, she had finally found someone, then i was worried because I didnt understand why they bickered all the time over stupid stuff. Now if you saw Todd and Carol together, you just understand. They work well together. I also had concerns about Luci and "whats his name"...but apparently they are doing well too. It really is none of my business why certain people are together, but on the other hand, I do want them to experience love, without settling, but love that is unexplainable. I know I come off wrong sometimes, but I guess I have a little mothering in me.
So my thought for today....what am i supposed to do with my life? I battle back and forth between getting a career job, something that I can be successful at and also move up in the business. Then I think about how much i love my freedom, and how i dont want to be tied down with a monday through friday day job, but then i also dont want to work nights because i dont get to see Nat. Carol said today I should start my own business, what would i do though? I feel like the only thing i have any sort of experience in is serving tables, and although i like my job at Jonahs, i really dont think i want to be a career server. so what do i do? i know i have a degree in photography, but really what can i do. I really dont have the equipment that i really need. granted i can get it after a while...there is so much cost in just getting started.
I painted today. somewhat of an angry paint. I guess i am thinking too much today and that frustrates me. i just have to take advantage of the time i have to accomplish something, but i feel lost sometimes at what direction i want to go in. any ideas?
c.ALIce

dreams do come true

for a really long time, my worth was found in the approval of people around me. the irony of it all was that i was labeled a "rebel" and seen as someone that didnt care what people thought. do you know how hard it is to NOT CARE at all about what people think. so i have lived for nearly 27 years, and i think i got to a point where i really dont care. on the other hand, i feel drawn to respect those that i love, and their convictions. so some decisions may seem as if they are "hypocritical" (especially if one does not know all the circumstances/thought processes) but ultimately it is my life, and i will do what i want regardless of what people think, but i also have to be sensitive to protect certain relationships.
so i have been very confused in the past. the battle between doing what i think is right, and doing what i want, especially if i felt the two clash. sometimes doing what is right and doing what i want are the same, yet sometimes i have to choose. i think one thing that has changed in my heart within the last couple months is that i am truly happy (well thats been within the last 3 weeks), and i have really reevaluated the influence of people in my life. I dont allow people to make me feel inferior or allow them to confuse me in regards to what direction i feel like i should go. I am not allowing people's expectations become a cause for me to be held back. I am not allowing what others think i should do influence what my true hearts desire may be. once i set aside what i thought others wanted me to be. when i let go of others dreams for me. once i looked into who i am and saw what i really wanted. i really saw what i wanted. it was so simple, yet the letting go was somewhat complicated. so now i am happy. i am not continually trying to impress people, i can walk into a room and realize my worth without approval. i am truly fulfilling my hearts desires, or at least exploring what they are in a new light. I really dont think that i have ever been happier. more content, more at peace or felt more secure in my life. i am obtaining my dream life. simple, full of love, limited stress, companionship...I STILL REALLY LIKE HIM!!! yesterday i traded my car in for a Jetta, it was a really good deal. its white with a sunroof, its beautiful. it was just one more thing to make me see how much my dreams are coming true (since i have wanted one since before i could drive). I have someone in my life that I never thought i would ever have. He fits with me, and i respect him. I have a job that fits all my talents within the service industry (keeps burn out to a minimum). I am more focused on things that i like to do, and opening up to change and living at a different pace and with a different purpose in life.
there really is a freedom when you dont live to appease people. i am not fighting with God because i dont care if i maintain a rebellious image. because i dont care to impress people, i am more open to revealing my true self and my true desires. i dont stand back and wish i could (always worrying in my head what people will think), and not doing it, but just doing it. I am tending to live a more honorable life because i am not trying to prove a particular image to anyone. My worth or success is not based on what society, or anything else, but based on how my God views me. There is such freedom in only having to be approved by one, and the fact that HE took all the steps in order to make me approved...i simply had to decide to be approved. I think i am happy now because i am not fighting anymore. I am not trying to control life, i am simply allowing life to be lived. Freedom. My ultimate dream being fulfilled.
c.ALIce

really like it

last night i worked a banquet at work, it was a lot of fun. The restaurant overlooks the illinois river and there was a lighting storm, SO beautiful, how it lit up the entire sky. on my way home there are just corn feilds and a lighting storn in the distance and you could see everything. i love storms, rain, thunder, and lighting. reminds me of sitting on the porch in norwood with the candles lit with good friends and just talking.
i hung out with Brinlee yesterday, and finally met Josh (Nat's cousin). i am supposed to move in there today, but i dont think that there is much to move, other than clothes and some random items. i have a room and a bathroom to myself. It will be good i think. we have plans to meet the mother on tuesday. i think it will be fine. i am actually excited to meet her. i still need to meet grandpa pflederer...apparently he is "good stock"
i was supposed to work tonight, but they are short staffed so it wouldnt be efficient training..so i dont go back till monday. that means i get to hang out with my honey tonight. i miss him. i havent seen him as much this week as in past weeks because our schedules are opposite.
becky is coming back through tomorrow, so that will be great! i like having people familiar around (other than Nat). Brinlee seems really cool. I am going to do a womans bible study with her church...Beth Moore's Patriarchs. I think it will be cool to go through since it is about the Holy Lands, and having a new perspective from being there.
i fixed my schedule at work so that i am off sunday, monday and tuesday...that way i can come home more often. otherwise i would have to get people to cover my shifts in order to come home on the weekends because everyone has a set schedule and there are not request off books. i thought that was a good decision.
i miss everyone. i am going to try to come home soon...just waiting to get a little more established at work so i will have some money to travel with....and money to pay my bills. i am going to apply to be a substitute for tazewell county. i will be able to work days but still be out in time to go to work at Jonahs. i have considered teaching and this will give me a glipse into what it is all about. i think it will be fun actually...and it seems pretty flexible, its not steady monday through friday so that will still allow me to come home some weekends without having to work out a schedule. its really not that hard. all i have to do is get a physical and an original copy of my degree, then i am on the list!! i dunno, seems like a cool thing to do. i wanted to teach in different countries, and i think with a little sub experience, i can know whether or now i really want to do that.
Life is great. I feel very secure here, and surrounded by beauty. Some people may think that moving to no mans land was a limit to me, without oppurtunities, but i much prefer the simple life than the hussel and bussel of city living. i love sitting outside and hearing crickets and the potential for my own garden, and not all the stress and worry. I am truly happy here, though i miss everyone.
i hope everything is well with everyone!! love you all dearly
c.ALIce

birthday girl...CHERYL....26 again!

DID YOU ALL WISH CHERYL A HAPPY BIRTHDAY???? HER BIRTHDAY WAS THE 16TH..YESTERDAY!!!

the JOB, the CAR, the MOVE

I started last night at my new job, i really like it, though there is tons to learn. i did alot of standing around last night, listening to people tell me table numbers and drink garnishes. i am off tonight because Becky is coming here to hang out on her way to Minnesota. I am very excited. I went car shopping yesterday, found a jetta that wouldnt higher my payments, 2005, but i just didnt feel right about it. i am trying to get myself out of debt, not accrue more. I dont hate my car, the gas milage is much to be desired, but she still runs, and she can get me through the winter. my insurance would go up about $40/month, and that kind of defeats the purpose. plus they called today and said that the payment was going to be higher, because what they quoted me was "approximate" just like a car dealer eh? i think more than anything, i would just like to NOT have a car loan hangin over my head. I am glad that i have a job, but i am still bored. i am still looking into a day job, just to occupy myself and help get back ahead in my finances. I can totally relate with EVERYBODY, MONEY SUCKS!! I just really want to be done with it. I am tempted to sell everything i own just to get out of it, but unfortunately, everything i own will only get me like 3000, cause i dont have anything. i like it like that though, less you have to worry about moving, or getting taken from you. I think that i have really just got to the point where the whole stressing over money is over, i am just gonna kick it in the butt and move on with life. i am sick of dealing with it. its all about toys anyway, and i want to spend my earnings on something i bit more eternal i guess. i dont need much to be happy, and less is more.
So I am considering moving out of Nat's house. Such a hard decision though because I would really like to stay here, but I know that above all it is morally compromising. Part of me doesnt have a problem with it, and the other part of me knows its not the best solution. so i am going to talk to brinlee today (cousins wife) because they have an extra room with bath that they will let me stay in, though i am sure i will be here a lot of the time, or working, but i think it might be the best decision, if it works out the way it should. I dont know, its like do you let others allow their views to change your preception, or do you do what you want, even though what you want may not be "right" we will figure it out.
So thats whats going on here. Still working on getting everything in place and settled. Too much time not doing anything can drive me crazy, so i find things to do. i have a list of errands i have to run today...oh FUN!!!
love you all!
c.ALIce

Sisters: Part Three

Emma emma is one of those people (again that i stole from carol) that you can sit and talk to for hours, or you can sit and stare at each other and its okay. she sees life from a different perspective than most all my other friends, which is a relief. She is someone you can tell secrets to and not worry about whether she will judge you on a spiritual level. she is loyal to people even when they walk all over her, which shows her endurance, yet i think she is getting to a point in her life where she realizes what TRUE friends are and what they offer. she is smitten by an incredible guy, and honestly he is the lucky one!! she is real about who she is, what she struggles with and what her desires are, and they are not necessarily based on what she thinks GOD wants her to do. She is fun to be around and i really miss our tuesday night dates.
Jen Edwards oh girl you have been around!! jen is another one of those friends in which our time in the same city has been limited, but it doesnt matter. i know that i can call on her whenever i need to. she gives great advice and truly cares about you and your dreams. i dont think college would have been the same without the ransom notes and water fights, or her fridge with dijon mustard, white american and turkey!! she is beautiful and talented and daring and graceful. A classic beauty and a gentle spirit. she too is non-judgmental and allows me to be me with no exceptions.
Danielle oh what do we say about our smitten lover? how LUCKy is the man that gets to spend his life with such a loving and compassionate person?!?!? The best thing i could say about Danielle is that she loves, like no one else, and i seriously think that she has allowed for incredible healing since i first met her. She loves art, which is definaltey part of my heart and she can see your true desires without you saying a word. She listens like no one else. i can be sitting at dinner with her, mention that i want to go to Italy, and for a graduation gift months later i recieved a map of Italy and an Italian travel/phrase book...thats just what she does. she pays attention to the smallest details and makes them extra-ordinary. She cares deeply about using every oppurtunity to make you feel special and loved. She is an encouragement to me.
Sarah C Yes this is CRAYNON...my lover (hahahha =)) i seriously have SO much fun with her! People say she is anal...what?!?! With me she has always been laid back and cool. She is determined, TOO intelligent and always has something bigger and better up her sleeve. She has definately been there when i needed her most, never fails to answer the phone or at least call back. Still to this day we have no idea when, where and how we met...guess cause we were joined from another life! I have seen her figure out her spirituality on her own terms, and it is amazing to watch. She is so humble (though she has a streak in her)...and she is constantly seeking (which is a great quality to have, because when you think you have it all figured out, you are lying to yourself). I have never known her to be one to care what anyone else thought, shes just Sarah, and if she pretended to be anyone else, i wouldnt love her! She offers sound and wise advice, and has the strength of will to accomplish anything she puts her mind to.

There are many more people that i would put her, like Christian from Russia, Sarah Nunery from college, Mandi from Hopkinsville.....but i dont think that they even read this thing...but know that they all play a very special role in my life, but i just dont talk to them as much as i should/could.

now for the best of the best!! The Truest and best of them all. The 2 people i know would be with me from hell to high water and have proven their undying loyalty to me over years and years. i have had more fights and arguments with the two below than all the rest combined, but I also have had the most fun (maybe ten fold) than anyone else as well. I seriously think that there would be a void in my life if either one of them didnt exist. You cant really even put into words what having incredible sisters like i have really means. GOD truly knew what He was doing when He designed our family. Giving us the most complete and nurturing system for our individualities. Below is just an Exerpt, i definaltey could write novels on everything my sisters mean to me.
Cheryl is awesome, she is so generous and compassionate and beautiful beyond skin deep, yet she limits herself based on her view of herself based on the fickle views of society. i just wish that she could look in the mirror and really see...and not just see but KNOW who she is. She would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it. she sacrifices so much of herself for the benefit of others, and simply sits back and basks in the happiness of those she helps. she is a loyal friend, i have not known her to ever turn her back on a friend, and even continues to pursue friendships with people that may not really care about her, or value her as much as those closest to her. she puts on a good show at being the quiet reserved one, but dont let that fool you. she can cut up and be sarcastic with the best of them. She is fun to be with, playful and laid back. she is definately a security in my life. to know that whatever life throws at me, and whereever she is, she will open up her heart and door to me. If she could find a profession that allowed her to truly fulfill her hearts desires, i think she would forever live in mexico in a garbage dump, or be a stay at home mother. Her compassion and love for people of all races, ages and religion is unsurpassed. She has this determined bone in her, a stubborn one just like her dad, that wont allow her to just quit, although considered, she will always bounce back with 100 times more vigor and determination.
Carol is incredible as well. she awes me with this unfailing passion for God, and how it penetrates her entire life. i have seen her change into this graceful and determined individual, yet she is patient, compassionate and non-judgemental (how did we all end up like that?). Her heart swells with every oppurtunity to bust the myths of what people think GOD is and gentle puzzles them into realizing truth. She is an inspiration to anyone that meets her. Giving perfect strangers small glimpses of a true disciple, and the truth in that. the truth that it doesnt have to rule your life, or rather, its simple. not complex or a special formula, its just simply allowing GOD to reveal Himself to you. Thats what i love about Carol, is that she simply is who GOD designed her to be, no makeup, nothing false, and not trying to make it something its not, but a sincere ability to look into lives of other people and help you see that you are human, and giving an abundance of grace to regards to that. she doesnt try to change you, she just reaches out and allows GOD to use her to speak for Him. Her words will be the means of millions of changed lives. They will free captives of thought and performance, and encourage people to allow GOD to love on them, and the truth in that, is that allowing people to be loved, opens them up to allowing GOD to do that changing. She also is determined. and diligent. who in their right mind gets up at 5am to do homework?!?!?! She devoted her life, love and blood to truth. She is wise, and can see that things that most all of us are blinded to. She shares her revelations, with such energy that you cant help but want to see from her perspective.

Sisters: Part Two

Cindy She has been around for a long time. Although i have not held many long talks with her, i know that i could. She has developed this unbridled desire for God. She too is loyal. One that would do anything for you. She did not start out as my friend, but over time, she has become one. She is giving and loving. She is quiet about what she truly struggles with, and in that she is strong and independent. I have watched the transformation from new bethel to underground. She has always been one to soak up God. what i love about her is her love for music. she sees music as the ultimate avenue to reaching people for GOD. she wants to see young people come into a genuine relationship with God, because in that realness, lies endurance. She has been through so much, and i think over the years she has really allowed GOD to heal her hurts. She has learned to lean on Him for all her needs, and the reality of who He is and what HE is capable of has transformed her life from one of a follower to a great leader. She desires for being to see all the greatness of GOD, and restore their hope in what HIS LOVE can accomplish.
Kadie My kindred spirit...I consider that of the greatest honors. she is simply amazing. She is strong and determined not to allow life to destroy her. Oh i could sit for hours on end talking to her about anything. she can see into the soul and pull out your desires and love you despite yourself. she is supportive and is the free-est person i have ever met. Her concept of life is not that of fame, honor or wealth, but of simple obedience and bringing as many people into their true selves as GOD would allow her. She has a passion for art and using the talents and abilities God gave her to glorify Him, and trusting Him solely for her overall well-being. That is a trust that i lack, and if i could, i would support any endeavor she pursues because i know that she does not pursue them for personal gain, but for the glory of GOD. she is my dearest and lovely kadie, always pursuing after the joy of living a life sold out to GOD. she is one that really keeps me accountable, asking all the right questions and seeing life through the rose-colored lens of Gods love and will. she is so brave, and i respect her so much. she relys on GOD for so much, and most of the time i stand in awe at what she goes through to be all HE wants her to be, such strength in dealing with issues.
Nessa From the first moment i met her, i think i knew there was no getting rid of her, and i was not going to be one that complained. Nessa was seriously my life's grace in LA. i will forever love her for that. I think that we are kin from another life. somehow GOD knew years ago that we would step into each others paths and prepared it so that it was perfect timing. She has so much desire to draw close to GOD, and I seriously pray that GOD will bring strength and passion into her life to draw close on her own terms. She is kind-hearted and selfless. She has got a fire in her though, a strength that i know is there, but have yet to see. She is a free-spirit, someone that wants to experience every crevice of life, and to make it worth while. I know i will appreciate her more and more as time goes by.
To be continued.....

Sisters: Part One

I am really going to try not to talk about the boy, i am going to express some intense revelations.
i am truly overly blessed with incredible sisters, and you all know this because most of you have adopted them as your own as well. i really love the fact that my sisters are my best friends and that we live in a drama-free and supportive environment. i am lucky not to have nagging and judgemental sisters, that even though we are so different and have such unique personalities and talents, we get along so well and we have a lot of the same friends and can relate to them.
"Becoming real doesn't happen overnight, nor is it possible without some effort, but when it happens, we expereince a freedom unimagined."
i love this!! it was in cheryls blog. sometimes i wish people (especially those i love) to be able to see themselves as i see them.

Kati kati and i were friends from the first day we met, although I am sure exactly when that was because she came into my life and it was if she was always there. we have been through so much, through her boyfriends/love interests, through some college, through funky monkey and the "duck", we have been locked in a cage, and have experienced the joys and trajedies of life together. she has always been a sorta mother-hen in my life. always trying to make sure that whatever decision i made was truly for my best interest. its not a nosey, nagging kind of mothering, but a gentle love and true compassion from her heart. i truly respect her for all the sacrifices she has made in her life to live up to this incredible idea of who GOD would want her to be. she is a shining example to so many people with her quiet strength and unfailing love. she is the type of person that will envelope your soul in love and support, even to the point that it she allows you to make mistakes and learn on your own terms. she is physically phenomenal, absolutely stunning and classic. although she may not realize it all the time, i think she has truly come to terms with her value beyond skin deep. i think each day and each experience she goes through, she allows GOD to penetrate into her life and change her, and to be moldable by the most high is one of life's greatest achievments. you will forever be GOD's Lil Princess
Sa you all know her well, our (as her dad would put it) "little angel" It is so fitting. She is truly wise beyond her years, and as much as she would like to hide it, she is still young. She is giving with her love, her heart is magnificent. She draws closer and closer each day to this vision of what GOD desires her to be. At a crucial time in life where she has a choice to draw closer to GOD for guidance or figure it out on her own, she gentle lets Him lead her whereever, no matter how challenging or uncomfortable she may think it is. This level of obedience has taken most of us years to master, and to her, it just comes naturally. She is so artistic and creative and unique. There will never be another. What does she offer to me? I dont think i can figure it all out, but she offers me hugs when she doesnt know how much i need them. she offers me sincerity of her mind and soul. though quiet, she speaks volumes. she offers this silent spirit, and probing life questions and this simplicity, this great simplicity to learn from others and to not focus her life on things that will quickly fade away. She will continue to let GOD mold her life, because in the deepest parts of her, she KNOWS He is good and ever-faithful.
Becky although a new sister in the fold. and many of you havent been able to spend too much time with her, she is definately an extra-ordinary woman of GOD. She has been a witness to me in the element of faith in God and hope in God's plan. She loves and is loyal. She is also strong. She is learning to let God rule her life in every aspect, even if it is not what she really expected/wanted. She has a heart for people, and people that come in contact with her can see her genuity. She leads the struggling to fresh water, she encourages without words (at least not in english ;)) and can dig deep into your soul before you even know what hit you. She has a servants-heart and a passion for seeing people for who they are, not necessarily where they are. i am still in the process of learning Becky. She loves to dance, and have a good time and i love that about her, but she can also sit for hours and delve into the deepest crevices of life. i am so excited because becky is coming to visit on wednesday and she gets to meet NAT!!! shes so lucky!!!
Abbi oh she is so grown up!! but despite our minimal age difference, i never saw her as less than an equal with me. we too have been through so much in the past. growing up at new bethel all the drama insued there. she has always been very honest about herself. i cant remember a time when abbi attempted to be anyone but Abbi. she is so open to serve and help others with no regard for herself. she is unselfish and compassionate. she sees the needs of others and desires to be used by GOD to change the world. She has such a big heart and such big dreams, and a patience that surpasses me, to allow God to move in big ways in her life. She is ever striving to be honorable in every aspect of her life, and that is contagious.
Amber oh really, what can one say about amber!?!? i love her to death. she is always finding new ways to be a good friend, always striving to make sure you feel appreciated and loved. never fails to make you feel so special and loved. she is very strong individual and also very giving, honest and sincere. she will listen to you for hours, and always make sure that you feel like your feelings and experiences are valid. she is always available for you, and can always make you laugh about anything. amber and i unfortunately havent lived in close proximity for ver y much time as friends, but somehow we have managed to keep in touch after so many years (can you believe its been 8 years???). she too was one of those people i knew i would have in my life for a very long time, if not within distance, definately in our hearts and thoughts.
Steph Arvin Ya know what i love most about stephanie...everything. She lives her life with no regard for what others will think or how they will percieve her. She experiences life to its fullest, taking every oppurtunity to expand her intellect and experiences. She is easy to talk to and always has her door open. I love the fact that she lives to the fullest, and that she loves deeply. She truly surrounds herself with healthy relationships and rarely settles for anything less. She is non-judgemental and non-condemning and can truly be happy for you. It was rocky at first, but i love her dearly now and wouldnt trade her for the world's treasures. she really inspires me in many aspects of my life.
to be continued.....

time gets away

i feel like i write on here alot but i guess it has been a couple days. for those that dont know, yes i am living in illinois, yes i am living with my "boyfriend" (still feels sorta weird to call him that), yes, i am happy. it may come as a shock to some of you that i would decide to live with my beaux, especially only after knowing him for a week. its been about 2 and a half weeks since i met him. i was never one to be patient about anything, and as much as some of you dont agree with my decision, i feel very much at peace about it. thats the thrill of living life, is that you dont have to mimic it after anyone elses. and for only knowing him for 2 weeks, i feel like i have known him for a lifetime.
i miss everyone, but its not like in LA was i was desperately homesick. I definately wish that i lived closer to everyone, but its kind of a start over to be here and not know anyone, and making new friends. last night we played poker with like 13 other people. it was a very age-diverse group (and yall know how i love to flirt with the older men)...it was very fun. i actually did pretty well for not have ever played before. but i would like to be able to call people up and hang out or grab dinner or blue ice cream or long talks on the deck or go dancing, and i miss all those things, but i am here.
today we slept in and then Nat drove me to Peoria to show me around and how to get around construction. we went to lunch at cheddars, pretty good food. and we bought madden 2006, and i am afraid that i lost my boyfriend to the evil that is called "xbox". just kidding. i actually played with him for a bit, its fun, but frustrating because when i play video games, its just pushing random buttons to see what happens, but with madden, ya kinda have to know, although the computer does alot of the work for you. i am going to conspire and learn it while he is at work so i can kick his butt when we do play! maybe not, i am not sure my attention span is that good.
so i did get a job. I went to jonahs in peoria (seafood restaurant). prices are comparable to encore so i am not really worried about the money making, but i am also looking into still getting a day job because i want to pay some stuff off. i was very excited to get the job because i am broke and it seems like a great place to work, the manager loves me already (but really, how could you not?). so i start on tuesday night. the part that really sucks is that is the opposite of nat's schedule and i have a feeling i will be working weekends, so that means i will have to visit during the week. Nat and i were talking today about when he can come meet everyone, just seems like our schedules arent in sync for about a month. i really want you all to meet him, but being that i have so many friends, i also dont want to bombard him. mom wanted me to come down labor day weekend so that he come to the bond reunion on saturday and the burchett on sunday....are you crazy?? i wouldn't even put MYSELF through such torture. its one thing to meet all my friends at the same time, its TOTALLY different to meet all my family in two days. i mean, I AVOID family functions, not that they are not a great family, but all the questions....and weird looks and unknown faces and i just dont like it.
ya know, i really think that i will marry this guy. its so weird to say that, but at the same time, i really cant imagine myself with anyone else. i already love his family (future favorite sister in law being nessa) and dad is great and mom is yet to be determined. but there are just so many things i love about him, i dont want it to get old too quickly and being taken for granted anytime soon, i think thats what scares me the most. i just dont want it to fade away and then look back in 6 months and be bored. i dont really foresee that happening, but it still is something that crosses my mind. but i guess i feel like if it ever got to that point, there would be no one else to get through it with.
so life right now is good. i am looking forward to having a job, i think if i didnt have one much longer i would go stir crazy. but i keep myself pretty busy, its like a full time job looking for a job!! i also have some other things that i am looking into, so that should keep my days busy until i get a day job i am willing to take (i figure i can be choosey now that i have some means of income).
i kind of feel bad that i am not sharing any deep profound revelations about life, like i used to. i guess in the hussle and bussle of all this newness, i have pretty much thought about the man, the job, and all the things i want to do. if i write too much about the boy, ya'll will get bored. you all seem very supportive, despite the fact my time there was limited. its hard to get used to. i am definately trying to find those balances in life. the balance of boyfriend and friends/family, the balance of my time and not smothering, the balance of job and paying bills. i guess my view of life has transferred from where do i want to be and what do i want to do, to what will i do today and what can i do today to get me where i want to be. can you really take life more than one day at a time?
i love you all!!
c.ALIce

da J.O.B. search

well i went around yesterday to drive around to figure out where in no mans land i was. applied to a couple places around here, then today i went to an interview at manpower, its like a temp agency. it was like a two hour interview, and tomorrow i have to go and do some computer testing. i am way over-qualified. so i am still looking for a job, but i think i have some really good prospects here. i will figure it out. not super stressed out, but stressed anyway...i got bills to pay ya know.
so that is that. i am about to go to Jonah's for a nice serving job, even though i have an interview at applebee's tomorrow. hmmm, applebee's really doesnt appeal to me, but if its all i get, its all i get.
its hard looking for a job. because basically your availability is open to everyone, but then if you are sorta looking for two jobs, its hard.
last night i met brinley, the wife of his cousin. its sorta awkward at first trying to explain the situation, but she is really cool. i think i will hang out with her.
today i cleaned a bit, read a bit, and am now going to drive to jonah's. ill keep you updated. someone needs to get on my sisters so that they will be more blog-active, and katie, you are considered a sister. abby finally wrote today. i know i dont have much room to talk, but regardless, ya'll need to write more...like twice a day or something hahah =)
love you all
see you soon
c.ALIce

i wonder....

i was so excited when i got here yesterday. to just be here with him seems to make everything else in the world fade into nothing. i am somewhat amazed that it has happened so quickly. makes me wonder and be fearful that it will be one of those relationships where people go out for years and then break up. i cant imagine going through life with anyone else. he just knows, i dont have to explain everything to him. it is just nice that he talks openly with me, otherwise i would be such a mess trying to read his mind.
i guess enough about the boy...all you can really do is pray, because if this is not meant to be, i am really totally clueless.
so tomorrow i am going to go around town and see about getting a serving/bartending job somewhere. hopefully in the midwest, i wont have to go to 20 interviews and can get hired on the spot. i just want to make sure that my life is not revolving around him alone. its healthy to have some independance of my own. i am in a place where the only person i know is him, and i have a feeling that if we dont have some away time, that we will smother each other and end up being resentful. plus, i really miss the whole serving thing.
i did have an interview today at CSE. it went really well, but they are not sure about when and if they need to hire someone. the last thing i want to do is wait around for that particular job, but be proactive about paying my bills...cause honestly, thats the only thing that stresses me out.
i painted today. i havent painted in a really long time, and it was nice. listened to some great jazz, and just started, didnt try to figure out what i wanted it to look like, just did it. its still in progress, but overall i like it. we'll see how it goes. i am glad that i can finally be in a place where i can be free to do that. it gives me a chance to express myself, and it is overall very calming. Nat was watching baseball and i figured i would give him some alone boy time...all sports and stuff. he likes nascar too...and football...oh dear what am i getting myself into. just as long as he allows me to watch the patriots, i will be fine.
i will keep you all updated about my life...well duh, thats what blogs are for right? i miss you all. i wish i could've spent more time with you, but i needed to get back and get my new life together but i think i am going to try to come home at least once a month. but we will see about all that, gotta get a job first!!!
anyway, i am out love you all!!!
c.ALIce

my darling vanessa...i think this may be the only picture of the two of us. she is so perty aint she? she is my favorite LA Chica.

Here is a pic of Nat and me on the beach, see I told you we were alot alike!!!

My Beaux...

I am not sure where to begin. You seriously have to talk to me on a daily basis to find out what I am doing, and I am still not sure. I had this planto leave LA and move to Cincinnati to get outta the debt I accrued whilein LA, then move to Naples Florida with my old job from Cincinnati, to opena new location. I was very excited about it. It seemed like a great oppurtunityto grow with the company, and also doing something that I know I am good at and go in with that respect and seniority. Everyone I talked to said it was a good idea and that I should do what I think I need to do (but basically they knew I didn't like LA and I should get out). Now its not the case. Naples is a thing of the past. I don't even consider it at all. Living in Cincinnati would be nice, because I would be close to my friends and family,but even that is not a pull so much anymore. My entire life got flipped upside down in a moment.
you know when people talk about when they met the person of their dreams, they always say that it comes out of nowhere,and when you least except it. I spent many many hours trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Struggling with the fact I would never get married becasue I would never find anyone good enough, or someone that I could deal with, or someone that could deal with me. I was scared to even date because i wasn't good at it. I am not good at pressure situations, so being on a date makes me queasy, and very uneasy. Can you really be yourself in that situation, and regardless of how cool or cute that person is, there is that hidden stress of trying to impress or find a way to break up with them before you are officially going out...So I avoided that for as long as I could. Then along came Nat.
At first he was just vanessas brother, visiting LA from Illinois. There were no hidden agendas, no attempt to try to win him over or impress him with my humor or intellect. Actually, in this yet another huge transition in my life, I really wasn't looking to fall for anyone. Despite, it was actually good to have a "stranger" to talk to, especially in the situation I was in, trying to sort things out and get another perspective,but the conversation just flowed. We ended up talking openly and honestly about all sorts of things, and little by little realized how much we had in common and how alike we were. He would do these little things, like ask it I wanted something to drink whenever he got something for himself, getting a pillow before I even asked and just being a generous, kind-hearted and compassionate person. But still, up to this point, it was just a little crush, what would really come of it? I was moving to Cincinnati and to naples and he lived in no-man's land Illinois.
so I wasn't so sure when I was goin to leave LA. If ya'll know too much about me, you know I am somewhat of a spontaneous person, and that is somewhat of an understatement. So we were sitting outside, talking about me leaving and when, and how I dreaded the drive alone. He was catching a plane back to Illinois on Tuesday to be back to work on Wednesday, (though I am not really sure who asked who)but it ended up that he called work to get one more day off work and he said he would drive back with me. OH the relief, and he is good company so I was excited to have a comfortable person to go with me. So that's why I left on Monday, I really didn't know till Monday that he was able to come with me, and I wanted to make sure that he was back in time. Kind of last minute,but I was definitely thankful...And the best part, he likes to drive!!!
can you imagine 30 hours straight in a car with one person and not getting aggravated or annoyed and wanting to spend more time with them? And this is after a week of hanging out with him all the time, and at the same time being able to share all sorts of things about life with openness and honesty. He makes me happy. He talks to me, he listens to me, we have SO much in common. He is comfortable to talk to and he doesn't make it a mystery, he is not holding back and continues to reaffirm me. I trust him completely and respect his heart and desires. I really want to make sure that he is free to make whatever decision he deems necessary, but also that that freedom is mutual. I don't feel like I am settling, because seriously, can you imagine me living a boring life? A life of not doing things, but at this point, I am not scared of sacrificing all the things I want to do or have (he says I can have a PUPPY=)) to be with him, I just see myself accomplishing all those things with him. I can just imagine that no matter what conflict came up, that we could work through it and talk honestly about it.
yes, its been very quick. Believe me when I say that I did not expect it. We both were totally blindsided, but we are most willing to make it happen and work. I really dont mess around. I have no doubts really. Most of you know that I would totally run from all this, full speed in the opposite direction for my fear of commitment, fear of failure, fear of intimacy, fear of so much but I feel so "safe" its the only word that really fits. I feel safe that even if it doesn't work out (which of course at this point I doubt) that it is totally worth the effort.
I get lots of little butterflies when I think about him. So girlie!!! What is wrong with me? Absolutely nothing. He's addicted too. There is really nothing to lose, but so much to gain!
so that's that. I think that is a pretty good rundown of how I feel so that you all can understand. He makes me happy. I make him happy.
so what are the plans now? I want to be where he is. And I have more flexibility in life right now to make that change. I really don't know what will happen today . I do have an interview on Monday at a company in Illinois. You all probably think I am crazy, but really if you know anything about me, this is normal. But unlike everything else, I am not running away but running to something that is risky and dangerous but safe and comfortable.
so I guess that is it for now. Ill write more later about other things in life when I figure out what is going on.
c.ALIce

lost and found

my love, my life...and the two combined. i think i have really discovered how i cant plan things in life. just when i thought i had it figured it out. just when i thought that i knew what i was going to do, i got thrown one hell of a curve ball. and once i get the chance to tell you, your jaws will drop and you will not know how to react, hell i am not sure at this point if i know how to react. there are so many big decisions in life. you have one that will take you right back into your comfort zone, it is planned out and feesible. the other one, quite a different story, not so comfortable, but amazingly although scary and dangerous, just seems worth the effort. i am done trying to plan anything...and i think i have grown up an awful lot in my journeys. i am at a point right now where if i followed through with my plans, i would be running, but i dont want to run. its an adventure i have never been on, and life is too short. i know there is always an open door for me whereever my family is, thats a comfort that helps me to live life out. its not scary when there is always a safe place to fall back on. i want to try it out. and for me that is a big deal. i really dont take these decisions lightly. the way i think, i can come up with 1000 scenarios of failure and totally convince myself not to even give it a chance. i think maybe its situational, but even with my over-analyzing i cant shake it. the decision i am about to make is scarier than all the rest.
i know that i am talking in riddles. totally keeping myself from exposing it, but it wont be like that for long. i want to make this decision on my terms. not based on what others think i should do, not based on how i think others will view me, not based on the element of risk. i am going to make this decision for me, and not relying on anyone to formulate my ideas is scary...i have only talked with one person about it. there are so many factors to consider, the biggest of all the element of failure, or not being happy. but in another way, i really dont think that i can make a wrong decision (though i can make a bad one).
so i am quickly at another crossroad in my life. yet ironically in my running, i came to this point in the midst of running away, i found something. it isnt stratigically planned already, i am literally jumping blind and it is so exciting. i dont see what lies ahead, i have no expectations. its scarier than anything, its not comfortable, but safe.
i just hope that you all are supportive, with all the anxiousness of being homebound, i hate to disappoint. but its things like these that are impossible to plan...and rightfully so.
granted i must say, i have not made any concrete decisions yet, but i will need to soon. we'll see what happens.
love you all
chrissi

running....again (archive 1.26.05)

The question has been posed more than once that my moving to California is me running away from something. I admit it is true. I am running. I am desperate to get away from this thing that plagues and torments me on a daily and even hourly basis. I feel like that if I move away that it won't be as loud, it wont bother me as much. I am running, and the staying here for the time I am here is killing me. I can hardly take it anymore. I need to be away from it, I need to be refreshed and get a new perspective. I need a new daily routine so I am not constantly reminded of it. I need to get away from my friends and co-workers or anyone that knows me because being arounnd them reminds me of it. I want to be something different. I want to experience something original. I could stay here. I could manage here, but I think I would drive myself deeper and deeper into this issue that envelops around me. It is easy to say that I am not dealing with it, hell I dont think anyone even knows what I am dealing with. Can anyone really see the thoughts that fly through my brain. Does anyone really have the answer to be able to live with it and not let it chase me around the world. It is easier to say to "Let go and let God" but so much harder when you are the one holding on. I dont care if I go to California, Italy or Florida....New York or Bo-Dunk Kentucky. I need a change. Something so drastic that it will shake this off of me. So incredible that I will forget all about what I was running from in the first place. I am anxious at the starting line, waiting impatiently for the gun to go off so that I have the ultimate freedom to run without being disqualified. I am running, you all are all right. I underestimated your perseption of me. I mistook your observatory nature. I am running so far, so fast and so hard to get away from myself.
c.ALIce
i am sure that most of you dont rememeber even reading this blog because it was before most of you were avid readers. but this was written before i left for california. yesterday i was talking to someone that pointed out that i am running from myself. i am running from who i am because i am scared. with everyone that i have talked to , either friend, family or acquaintance, it was always "do what you need to do" whether they agreed or not, but no one ever put it like that. and frankly, up to this point, i didnt realize it either. maybe i am running from myself. running from the fear of failure, running from being who i am was meant to be. running back into that place i know is comfortable and more simple. back to where i didnt have to try. i dont know what i am supposed to do ever in life. she told me to get naked and stand in front of a mirror and ask myself what i wanted. as much of a good idea that really is...that scares the crap outta me. because in realizing what i want, is realizing who i am, and the things that i want to change, and making those big commitments to change the things i dont like and to pursue (rather blindly and timidly) to the things i want. staying the same and always being in your comfort zone is definately the easiest thing to do, but not really the most rewarding.
in the conversation, she asked me what i didnt like about myself, and i was saying how i let people determine how i am or what i do. i totally do that. instead of dictating what i want to do, i take up suggestions, weigh out the options and get lots of feedback then make a decision based on how others think i should act. it happens in all areas of my life. though it may appear that i am so strong willed and determined to some, i am actually not, i am fickle. i really think that is why i dont know what i want to do or where i want to be, because i have people on all sides giving me their suggestions and the stress i have is figuring out which person is right in regards to what I should do. to stand there and not have anyone telling me who i am or what i should do...i wonder what my answers would be. in the process you are not allowed to limit yourself by your abilities, like saying "i want to have a photography book published" and then contradicting that with "but that is so hard, i dont know how, i am not talented enough, i dont have time, or some other random excuse." you are only allowed to admit your strengths and weaknesses and what you want to accomplish without trying to figure it all out at that moment, but just realizing it. i would be there all day, i want, i cant, i am, what will they think, i will, when its feesible. i could battle with my own desires to dismiss everything. what do i want? physically, spiritually, emotionally, financially, in every aspect...then after realizing it, accomplishing it. i think one of the hardest parts about figuring out what you want to do, is realizing its what YOU want to do, not what others think you should do. Its your unique desires, your unique attributes, your unique spirit....and really no one can know better than i do.
who am i? at times i think it is pointless to try to figure out who you are because you are ever changing, but at the same time "its not what you do that defines you, but who you are inside" how can one really learn about what they want, if they cant confront who they are. one is far scarier than the other. and above that, how can you truly allow someone to love you, when you dont love yourself, and in order to love yourself, you have to know who you are. it doesnt take a lifetime to figure out. in some cases it could only take one day standing in front of a mirror naked. (naked is essentail!! cause its raw humanity)
sometimes in an effort to please people, i forget what really makes me alive. a struggle between what my heart truly desires and what "others" convince me is important. what do i want to live for? not to work to pay bills. who do i want to live for? definatley not for someone else, cause its my life. how do i want to live? at this point, i really dont know...but simply. when will i start living for me? not in the sense that i disregard my GOD, and live selfishly, but in the regards that i dont procrastinate...and i go full ahead towards something.
i am tired of running...if i dont stop now, i will run my entire life and look back on it when i am 50 and have accomplished nothing because i kept running.
i think its time to sit and take a breather.
c.ALIce

ya'll are so anxious

of course you all will say come home, you want me to...i dont blame you, i would want me around too =)
last night i was hanging out with Nat (Vanessa's brother) and we sat out on the porch for like 3 hours talking. talking about everything, but mainly my situation. ya know there are so many things i love about tiffany, she has this untamable aspect to her that most would find overwhelming or rather intimidating. she is determined to find whatever it is she is looking for. she is a survivor, and how can you not be thick-skinned after being raised at new bethel. she is fun. she is wild and crazy and entertaining. she is beautiful, and she can pull anything off. she has got a way about her that attracts all sorts of people, you can tell by the variety of people she hangs out with. she has a heart that will expose itself to pain just to help someone else. she has a great wit about her, and a "marvelous" sense of humor. she would do anything for her friends, and will sometimes allow others to step on her to a point, just to be loyal to someone she loves. she is forgiving (though sometimes it takes her a while)=). she is talented and i think it is sad that she doesnt really hone into it as much. she is creative and spunky and willing to try anything once. she is probably the most independant person i know, yet allows herself to rely on others, with the risk that they will disappoint her. time and distance doesnt hinder her friendships, she is loyal to people she loves.she is one of those people that you can share intimate details with (that you might not want to share with everyone) and she will not judge or condemn you for it. she is beautiful, inside and out. she is a great person to be friends with. she encourages you and also pushes you (even though sometimes it may be harsh she has the best of intentions). she holds people up to high standards only because she knows people are capable of incredible things if they would just recognize it in themselves. and so much more....i just love her, its hard not to.

ill never survive

i will never survive in life if i continually run from conflict. I write on this thing, then i think about what i wrote for hours on end. through out this whole situation, i keep realizing that i am willing to let go of a friend in lew of trying to deal with an argument. tiff and i have been friends for a very long time, despite our differences, that is what makes our friendship special. it is not because we have everything in common, but it is because we have really nothing in common (though we do), that makes the friendship unique. i truly do cherish her. we have somehow remained friends over a very long period of time. and i think about it, and part of me wants to shut down and run away and not have to deal with it, yet part of my realizes how immature that is. this is really the first fight tiff and i have been in, and honestly, i am not used to fighting with friends. i rarely get into fights (but that has a lot to do with being passive and just not making it out to be a big deal). it is ridiculous to think that because of this one ordeal that i would let go of our friendship. i wonder that if i am incompetent to deal with it that it will forever be my escape. can you imagine being married and 6 months into the marriage you fight, and you just decide to quit the marriage...not that easy huh? more of a hassel to get a divorce than to work it out. i want to work it out, but right now i think it needs time and space.

those days...

i really despise conflict. i have a really hard time living in an environment of hostility or tension. that is one reason i stayed away from home so much, although my parents love each other, they also love to bicker, and i just cant stand it. i dont regret alot in my life, but anything that hurts other people that i love, especially when it is ultimately my doing is something i regret. at this point its almost like the point of no return. i dont regret coming, i just regret that way it ended up being. i can't be perfect, and i also have to live my life. i just wish she would understand my perspective. but she wont no matter how hard i could try to explain it to her. life is too short to wait around. unfortunately she happened to be the person at a certain time in my life in which i realize things about me. i have learned a very valuable lesson in all this, but that will never make it ok. i know i am too much of a drifter to commit to anything, scares the shit outta me. i have no idea how to make it right, yet still live my life. i could say i just dont care, but i do. if i didnt care, it wouldnt hurt so bad. she thinks i think we are in the same situation, yet to the best of my knowledge i didnt say that. i know where she is, i see her perspective, i see her lack of trust in one more person scarring her for life. i cant talk to her though. i just sit there with all the conversations in my head, but no vocal cords. maybe i am wrong to think that me trying to do anything is worth it. i have had a migraine for days, probably deserve it right girl?
i am non-confrontational. when it comes to me, i run, i hide or i be as quiet as possible hoping it will pass away. just one more flaw. most of you know how long it takes me to open up, and the persistance you have to have to get me to admit or talk about anything. i am such a secretive person. no one knows everything about me, its all little bits and peices, and i have always been like that.
it doesnt matter how long i stay (because ultimately we will go through the same fight, if it was august or december), how well i try to explain it all, how great of a person i may be...at this point, it feels worthless. you know if she would support me and say "chrissi, i love you enough for you to be happy, and i think that this is a great oppurtunity for you and you should totally live your life out to your fullest and do what makes you happy" i think i would be alot more apt to stay and help her as much as i can. but since it came off to me like my desires were null since they didnt work out with hers, it makes me fight her more. she has never once said anything to support my decision, but more and more talk about how i am fucking up her life. thats what bothers me the most...i just want her to support my decision. despite all that, i know she reads this, and i know she is probably fuming thinking that i have it all wrong. believe me, i know, i am not "retarded" i dont have a skewed perspective, i see all the angles. dont think that just because i havent been on my own since 19 that i am nieve to how the world revolves. but again, i am sorry, sorry to leave in such short notice, sorry you cant trust me, sorry i am unreliable, sorry i fucked up one more time in regards to you, sorry that i am selfish, sorry i am not happy in la, sorry that i dont tell you everything, sorry that it happened this way, sorry i am who i am, sorry that i dont know how to potty train dogs, sorry i dont know how to do dishes right, sorry i moved things, sorry for "breathing", sorry for taking up your personal space for such a long time, sorry that this whole situation is not what you expected, sorry that i dont want to wait around, sorry that i packed (like a retard) without telling you, sorry i didnt tell you sooner, sorry the oppurtunity presented itself, sorry for not knowing how to deal with confrontation, sorry for disappointing you, sorry for not fulfilling all our pipe dreams, i am just sorry. but it just doesnt seem to make a difference.
c.ALIce

house sitting and the end

I have been sitting this house for a couple days. It is somewhat relaxing but at the same time, very lonely. I hate not having any friends nor being surrounded by people I love. Joel was off last night so Vanessa hung out with him. We are supposed to go to church tonight. I miss it. Ya know that feeling I had before I left Cincinnat, that anxioiusness of getting on with life, and here I am again waiting. I waited for carols graduation, even though I could have left earlier. Now I am waiting for the timing to fall into place, and for tiffany to find a roommate. I cant leave before then. I hope she understands that if she will not take my suggestions for roommates that I will leave despite the fact she hasn’t found someone on her own because she I not taking up my suggestions. She says she doesn’t want to live with some psycho, but I don’t understand the difference in living with someone you don’t know that someone you know suggested, or living with someone you don’t know at all. It all has to do with how she wants to decorate the apartment. She doesn’t want someone else coming in and destroying her plans. I really didn’t care, so I spoiled her. If she wants that much control, she should get an apartment just for her. I would like to help her in this search but I feel helpless. Maybe I should just go ahead and introduce her to certain people. I am sure that none of them will be up to her standards because I picked them out. Oh how frustrating. What can I really do? She will never know whether or not she likes someone until she meets them anyway. Ugh!! I don’t know what to do!!! I emailed her the emails and she emailed me back saying that it was pissing her off.
I think I figured it out. Tiffany loves me, but she loves an idea of who she thinks I am, not who I am. She loves the person I was at new bethel when I can 15-16, but like many in regards to her, she didn’t allow me to change. She thinks I am that person now, and I am not. I have grown up since then, I am not the person she thinks I am. I always wondered how we were even friends…we are so opposites. I really think it will be best in my life to let her go. I don’t think that we will be friends after this, a lot to do with the frustration and pain I caused her, but also, its past. Sometimes in life you have to let go of people, its just the way life goes.

im done

Living in someone else’s space is exhausting. Always trying to be considerate, and trying to always tred lightly on another person’s space. I think it was a little too long living in close quarters. I understand someone wanting their space back, I think I would too. It wasn’t how it was supposed to be. I was under the impression that I would be here for a couple months paying only 275-300 month, which fit into my budget. I was also expecting to have a job that I would be making good money at. Not the case. All of a sudden Joe came along…crowded. Mike is leaving (although tiffany wants him to leave). So now Joe is going home in august, mike is moving in august. Finally a room of my own.
I am done. I told tiffany today that I was leaving. Of course she was upset.
So I learned in my adventure to LA that I am unreliable, I am undetermined, I am lazy and really have no idea what I want to do….oh wait, I knew that already. But it feels so fresh when others make sure they point it out to you over and over again. Yeah, we had this fight already, me being unreliable and she couldn’t trust me. Do you know what not being trusted does in a relationship? I am the most blessed person in the world to be friends with people that truly trust and support me. I would say that those two qualities are in all of my friends. I think it is essential for me to feel needed, appreciated and that no matter what I do or how I am that my friends will not leave me on a whim (because one of my ultimate fears is being left). It was damaging. I am not sure that the friendship will survive this scar.
I really don’t want to leave nessa. She is by far my favorite person. I wish I could take her with me, but she understands and she supports me. I think we will be friends for a long time. She is one of the gifts I received by stepping out.
I really don’t regret the move. I really think it was something I needed to do, and it put lots of things into perspective. I learned not to rely on anyone. I learned LA sucks. I leaerned I am not a city girl, and ya know what, that is ok. “There is always something to do” but really, I would much rather stay at home because it is cheaper and I don’t have to fight in traffic. I really don’t like traffic.
I really appreciate trina and Patrick. I don’t know what I would have done without them giving me a job. I don’t know how to thank them enough. I don’t think a simple thank you will do. I feel bad leaving without anyone to replace me, but I have to. I am working on a manual so that the next person will have all the answers right in front of them and they really wont have to train one more person. I haven’t told them yet, I hope that they understand.
Anyway, I am definitely doing the naples thing. I have a job and a place to stay (if I risk trusting one more person). I know that I will like it there, at least the job and being in a new place. It is much easier to make friends when you have a place to work and are respected there, and of course I am cool! How could you not love me? Of yeah, cause I am not perfect…yeah well, she wont have to worry about it anymore. Please pray that she finds a roommate. I tried to help, I tried to “take care of her” by posting on craigslist. She of course doesn’t want to live with a stranger, understandable, but at least I tried, but she is one of those people that will always take care of herself. She knows the deadline and she has time. I had 6 people that would move in next week if she wanted to live with them. Of course Joe isn’t leaving till the first weeks of August, and mike (the one still in the room for rent) will be there until his place is ready, which I hope is very soon.
I sent out a lot of emails to photographers and only got one postive response. One actually wrote and said my photos were shit. Yeah well, why the hell do you think I want to work photographers? For fun? NO, to learn idiot! I don’t have to do that ya know. I can do whatever I want. Isn’t that the fun of living? I will settle down one day.
I had a Big Realization about leaving. Coming here I was running from Cincinnati, hungry for something different. But I think the reason I am so excited about leaving is because I am going towards something. I am not running from LA because I was unsuccessful. I really didn’t try all that hard because I knew within the first month that I didn’t want to stay here. I know you all are excited that I am leaving, but I am not coming back to Cincinnati, I am going to naples. I just thought I would remind you. Abby, remember when we went to naples? Wasn’t that fun? Anyway, at least it is closer than California..you can drive there in a day! Random road trips, you can fly there in 3 hours….better than an entire day at the airport.
I think that is it for now…ill keep you updated.
C.aliCE

what makes me so special

i wonder why i even want to be a photographer. is it because i went to school for it? is it because i actually think i am qualified for it? i am looking for some jobs. i cant stand not working. it drives me crazy!!! what are my other options? am having a ebay dispute, i know it was sent, buying is saying no. ugh...cant do anything till tiffany gets back. she comes back tomorrow.
what to do, what to do?!?!
i dont feel like typing anymore and bizou is getting on my nerves cause she keeps jumping on top of the computer and bothering me.now she is laying behind my neck, like a pillow. she is so in love with me. she follows me around right at my heels. she can be adorable, but more of a pain in the ass.
tiffany comes back tomorrow, i am glad. i am sick of revolving my life around the mutts.
im out
c.ALIce

here we go again

ok i think i have finally decided what i am going to do, granted everything works out in my favor. i am going to move to naples florida in november (approx). i just have to make sure that tiffany has a roommate and that i can afford the move. when i get there i hopefully will be working with encore. its like going back to something i know i am good at. i am still working here to hone my photography skills. i emailed like 50 photographers today if they need an assistant. havent got any responses yet, well two but they werent interested in me. this is the link i sent them to (http://chrissialice.blogspot.com) i was most impressed that i changed up the html so much to satisfy my needs!! hehe.
i did finish my website, but i have to fix some glitches and send it to levi and i figured that i needed something now so this is what i came up with. who knows if it will work. i was supposed to work today but patrick was no up to working so he called and told me to come in tomorrow. kristin said last night that she had a gig for me today, but imagine that..she never called back!
we went to the beach yesterday, it was awesome. we played volleyball all day and then when the tide came in we played mud-volleyball. it was fun. the tide was sweeping away the court so we switched sides every 5 points. it was SO much fun. i love volleyball so of course it was the highlight of my day. kelly and her friends play every sunday in santa monica. i am going to go with them this weekend. i am excited. they are really good, so it is a good game...none of that bad passing stuff. they were all amazed with my serving skills...kentucky headhunter. =)
i work with the catering company again on saturday, its cool. i like working with hosea. i went there last week and he gave me a hard time for being late..he said "you are late, it's 8:03" and i looked at him and said "so." like i didnt care, and i really didnt, from that moment on i was his favorite! how could i not be though..spunky and adorable.
well i gotta go get my laundry, ill be back later
c.ALIce

the argument

tiff and i got into an argument the other day (right before she left for vacation) because i said i wanted to move home and she thought i was deserting her...like i would leave without making sure she was taken care of, or had another roommate. she said the worst aspect i have is that i cant decide on anything and that i am always going back and forth and doubting myself allthe time. i told her its "one of many" she said that i am 26 and i should know what i want to do with my life...seriously? unfortunately i am not like others that have it all figured out. i want to do so many things that i dont know what i want to do. and being able to be successful at anything doesnt help. i am overall happy here, though i hate not having a job....i feel so useless, it was nice at first, like a
drawn out vacation, but now i feel the pressure to get on with life, and although i always find something to occupy my time, i would much rather be making money at it. i am working towards it though. baby steps right? not used to that...used to be given everything i ever needed, and working only slightly towards it. it was the best decision to get outta cincinnati, but i dont like LA. i think it was good to do, but the good part was realizing i really didnt have to. its ok i guess, and Nessa is my saving grace...my only friend and the one i hang out with all the time. otherwise i work a little and sit at home trying to figure out how to work other things out in my life. tomorrow i am going to call around to photographers to see if they need assistants. i am sick of waiting around for kristin to tell me i have a job....i will NEVER do that again!

move?

i finally finished my website. when it is online i will be sure to let you know and if you find time in your busy schedule you can check it out. went out tonight with some friends for trinas birthday.Encore is opening an new restaurant in Naples Florida this year and i am debating going there. it is closer to home, something i like to do and i could do pretty much what i am doing here as far as the photography stuff goes, plus levi is only an hour away and i could work with his company (they need photographers) we will see how it goes. there are no guarentees in life i am realizing, and do not rely on others to for your wellbeing. they will only let you down. i feel so torn. stay or go...am i giving it enough time oram i basing my decisions on being homesick and missing everyone. i can concoct so many ideas in my head and sometimes that drives me more crazy than actually doing what i am doing now. so tonight kristin (the one that has promised me a job since i got here) was telling me about another job op that may or may not start in either august or december. its basically a casting manager. she talks me up so much to everyone, she thinks i am so cool and put together (oh if she only knew i am a mess). its potential for very good pay. high stress though. i didnt get around to contacting photographers today because i finished the website, sent out pics to be printed, and am working on a "business cd" which is basically an autorun powerpoint presentation with my portfolio on it. i got some more contacts today though. a girl that needs headshots (like everyone in
LA) and a guy that holds photoshoots with playboy models, to assist without pay. weird people i meet...all connected in this amazing group of friends i happened to land in. i debate going to florida because somehow i feel like i am running back into my comfort zone and at other times i feel like its a good decision. its like my heart breaks with every decision i have to
make...cant someone just tell me what to do, who to be and where to go. does anyone else go through this? people seem like they have it all together and they really dont...no one really knows what they want to do. i have too much time on my hands. i am starting to go crazy. i am working with this catering company on saturday, i have to leave the apartment by 6:30 am (to me that is early) and work till 5pm. kind of sucks, but a girl has got to pay her bills yaknow. sucks being
responsible. sunday we are going to the beach, i am looking forward to playing some volleyball and hanging out with everyone. they are fun.
i learning that it doesnt really matter where you are, you can accomplish anything from whereever you are, but that home is where love is and finding what makes you happy, not what just pays your bills is the search of life. i dont want to live to work, i want to live it out, and you all know that, if i have to move 6 times in one year in order to find it, i will. that is not not giving it a try, that is being observant of my environment and realizing what i will live with and live without. i can live without traffic, i can live without people that pretend they want to be your friend but never call. i can live without making lots of money and living in an big house. i cannot live without freedom, whether in job or spirit. i cannot live without friends and family. i cannot live without encouragement around me that supports whatever crazy decision i decide to make. cause i will make some crazy ones, ya;ll just have to live vicariously through me and just always love me despite, and thats why i love you all, cause you are like that! thank you for not trying to rule my life and allowing me to be me.
i definately dont regret this move. but everyone says give it a year and to not let people tell you what to do...so am i cutting myself short if i dont give it a year? no...i am just not letting people tell me what to do with my life. i am on a search, and i am not about to waste my time waiting around for it to get better...when you get there you will know its where are supposed to do and if its time to leave, its time to go, no matter how long its been.
love you all
c.ALIce

good luck!!

http://www.quizyourfriends.com/takequiz.php?quizname=050713125101-965416

I am ALIve

I seem to always start my blog with an apology because I haven’t written in so long…so here goes, sorry. When I take so long to blog, then I find that I don’t have much to talk about even though I do.
Mainly I have been pretty depressed. Cant quite put my finger on it. I guess it is a cumulation of stress and boredom and frustration. I was very close to coming home, then realized that it wasn’t the right decision, even though it is definitely the easiest. I hope this is not one of those situations in which good friends become enemies because of living together. I am a pretty giving person, but if someone takes and takes I will rebel and not give anything at all. Part of being independent in your own right is not having to rely on people. I am stressed out because the independent streak in me is rebelling against having to rely on Kristin for a job. Apparently I start on the 18th, but do I really? After so many unfulfilled promises it is really hard to trust someones word. We will see on Monday. The thing that is great is that she is working with my schedule with Patrick so that I can work both jobs. I would not want to leave Patrick because he has been so good to me, seriously, if it wasn’t for that job, I would be utterly screwed. I am taking small steps towards being successful. Some of them are very scary because I don’t know if I am “good enough” even though there is a part of me that is somewhat cocky about being the best. How will I ever learn if I never take the steps towards it.
So today I posted on Craigs List (for those that still have no idea what I am talking about when I say that…go to www,craigslist.com and you will understand what I am talking about). I posted for anyone that needed a photographer. And I also looked through and contacted those that had posted saying they wanted/needed a photographer. I have been sitting at starbucks for almost 5 hours working on my website and I felt like I have got no where. Its frustrating. I am working on 3 websites right now. I have the vision in my head for 2 of them, but am having a hard time executing the design I want according to my high standards. Once it is done I will be sure to send you all a link. To both or all of them. I really do hope that we start work with Kristin on the 18th, that will really help pay my bills. I am looking into getting credit for my skymiles from Israel so I can have a free ticket, my problem is that I don’t know my skymiles number and that the number to call is always busy. Ill get it done eventually.
Ill write more later….going to movie with nessa and joel.
Love you all!!
c.ALIce

yeah i have not been here to write. not too much interesting going on here, just thinking too much which makes my heart bleed.
went to mosaic church on saturday night, it was very good, i think me and nessa are going back next week. erwin mcmanus is the pastor...very cool guy. very much like vineyard, but more like the northstar vineyard, smaller like that. good stuff
i need to get shit together.
i need a job.
i need a boost of self confidence
i need Jesus to make all my pain to go away.
i miss you all
i miss my sisters
i miss my friends
i miss my own bed
i want to be successful
i want my dreams to come true.
i want to figure out what my dreams are
i want this cloud to blow away

i refuse to become someone i am not
i refuse to let myself hold me back
i refuse to pretend
i refuse to fail

c.ALIce